Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?

[primaryjustice]

We actually rent an apartment, so it's that much easier. I just spoke with our landlord (also happens to be our Pastor), and he said he would look into it. I want to make sure that going forward if I ask her to leave, I have the legal right to do so. Our lease is under both of our names, and to rewrite it would require both my wife and myself to agree on it.

Still praying for miracles, because God can do anything, but trying to make sure my bases are covered as well.

[chosenone]

We actually rent an apartment, so it's that much easier. I just spoke with our landlord (also happens to be our Pastor), and he said he would look into it. I want to make sure that going forward if I ask her to leave, I have the legal right to do so. Our lease is under both of our names, and to rewrite it would require both my wife and myself to agree on it.

Still praying for miracles, because God can do anything, but trying to make sure my bases are covered as well.

 

yes miracles do happen, but if a person has hardened their heart God cant make them do anything without them repenting and turning back to Him.
An alternative may be for you to move out into another appt, and to put the appt in her name only, and for her to stay in that one. I know that doesnt  seem fair for you, but it may be  easier for you in the long run.
Keep on praying and being open to what God says.
God Bless

[primaryjustice]

I thought about doing that as well...leaving her to the apartment. Only problem with that is I know she can't afford it, and the owner is actually our (well, mine now) pastor, so I don't want to cause him any trouble in all of this. We just moved here a few months ago (long after the affair was already in full bloom but before I knew), and it's a really nice place. In part I feel that I shouldn't have to leave since I'm not the one trying to wreck our marriage. It's definitely on my mind though, and it's another option I'll discuss with the owner next time I call him.

[lightshineon]

 This different of course in nature somewhat, but I will tell you a story PJ. When I lived in Arkansas for a while, I was very young, and not married very long. We went to an assembly of God church there. Very, very, nice loving people. The song leader, was married with children, and his wife moved her homosexual over in the home. The man permitted it, though, he hated it. They ask him to step down from leadership, because he was not in control of his own family. At the time being the young dummy, I was, i felt sorry for the man. Through the years and as I matured in Christ, I see now why, they ask him to step down. The man is the Spiritual leader in the home, and Will be judged as such, and if he, lets sin reign in the home. He will fall out of fellowship with God, not talking about salvation. Here is another thought, I could not stand my husband coming home smelling of another woman. She does not respect you, because you teach people how to treat you ( Dr. Phil), it is true though. This is unhealthy, destructive, and unholy. Now, if she repents, I am praying she does, but, until then my home would be a Godly home. I cannot believe the Church encouraged you to have her live with you. Where is her winner of a stud muffin? I am praying Gods will, and she changes, and you guard your heart above all things, which is the well spring of life.

[lightshineon]

I thought about doing that as well...leaving her to the apartment. Only problem with that is I know she can't afford it, and the owner is actually our (well, mine now) pastor, so I don't want to cause him any trouble in all of this. We just moved here a few months ago (long after the affair was already in full bloom but before I knew), and it's a really nice place. In part I feel that I shouldn't have to leave since I'm not the one trying to wreck our marriage. It's definitely on my mind though, and it's another option I'll discuss with the owner next time I call him.

 Did he not encourage you to let her move back in? If she cannot afford it, well maybe her boyfriend can chip in.

[Daddy Long Legs]

Hello. I'm new to this forum and was interested in seeking some council from other believers. My situation is not uncommon. Long story short, my wife has been having an affair with a man she met, who from day one I said was bad news. While no affair is simple, if it were a matter of committing infidelity, removing the affair, and seeking at all costs to repair the marriage, I would still be hurting but would dive in head first to try and fix the problem. What complicates this it that she is completely in love with the man. She has always had a difficult time opening her heart to me, or anyone, but apparently she did with this man. She gave him her heart, soul, and body.

The affair has been going on since mid-January, and although I'd been heavily suspecting it for months, I found out for sure last Tuesday. Immediately she told me I had no idea how deep it ran, and since my first reaction was to choose between him and me, she said she can't leave him, that it would be the end of her. Since then it's been crushing my heart to find out more and more details about just how intimate this relationship is (way beyond just physical). I've made the mistake of asking several questions and the answers have been devastating.

Even with all of that said, she says she still loves me, but had "checked out" of the marriage before this affair even started. Additionally, she knows the Bible well, and is very well aware of what scripture says about adultery. She says she knew going in, and that she made her choices, but she never wanted to hurt me, and she does not hate me.

We have talked to our pastors and have been referred to counseling, however I find it next to impossible to believe that it will do much unless there is a fundamental change in her heart and she makes the choice, of her own free desire, to end the relationship with the other man. This would indeed require that her heart change with God, and only then can restoration begin. I know I should believe in God for miracles, but is that what I'm doing here, or am I just being a doormat?

Any help / prayers would be greatly appreciated, both for myself and her. I still do love her very much, despite this mortal blow to our marriage. God is capable of resurrection.

The only example where Jesus tells us it is acceptable to dissolve a marriage is one of infidelity.  I believe that He does so because it is too painful and marriage was instituted to be an intimate relationship between two people and representative of the relationship that Christ has with His Church (us).  A violation of this covenant is contemptible to God.  See the Old Testament where Israel acted as a harlot with idols, etc.

[primaryjustice]

I should clarify something in defense of the church and our pastor; his and their initial encouragement was in the first couple of days after I discovered the affair, when they believed there was a strong chance for our marriage to survive if we both committed to it. At the time my wife had agreed to go to couples counseling (though I really doubt her motives about why), so they felt she was trying to work through this. In those first couple of days, I had already began filing for divorce and splitting up our finances, but was motivated to give it a good go believing restoration was possible.

Since then, my pastor/owner has become gradually disgusted by my wife's behavior, and while he hasn't officially told me she should move out of the house, we've had "man to man" talks where he's opened up a bit and told me what he truly feels. It was very difficult, very painful for him and the church to let her go, since she'd been there over five years and was like family, but they did make her resign because of her unrepentant adultery.

Right now I haven't made any final decisions regarding asking her to leave the house again, and I'm praying for God's guidance and timing. I'm trying to search God's word, guard my heart, and be open to the leading of the Spirit.

DLL - You're absolutely right about infidelity being one of the clearest biblical reasons for divorce. Christ very clearly says that it's an acceptable reason for divorce. I do believe though, and may be wrong here, that God always pursued his people even when they went astray. Again, I'm not as knowledgeable in the Bible as I wish I were, but I'm definitely trying. I'm trying to differentiate between my emotions/my heart (which can be deceitful) and doing what's right by Gods word. My heart is broken and in a lot of pain/anger/hurt right now...I can't let it be my guide. But I don't want to go against His word. If anyone has any scripture they could point to here it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again for everyone's prayers. I know I'm getting long winded with these posts!

[Charles Sloan]

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through, there really is no betrayal that runs deeper than adultery. I applaud your willingness to try and work things out, especially with how impenitent her behavior has been. Honestly, I don't know if I could deal with your situation as well as you have.

But I would think about a few things. First it seems like you wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. Since you haven't given an ultimatum or thrown her out, it seems like you have become an enabler to her behavior. I know this was never your intention, but with you knowing she is cheating and there being no consequences, for the time being she has the best of both worlds. If things don't work out with her boyfriend, she can always go back to you. Plus, as long as you tolerate her behavior, she has you taking care of the bills, mortgage, rent or whatever your contribution is to the household. I'm not sure of your financial arrangements, but I'm sure you see what I'm driving at.

My second point is that she might be bluffing. She says that she checked out of the marriage before this happened, and she is completely in love with Mr. Homewrecker, but for whatever reason she hasn't left and completely committed herself to this new relationship. For whatever reasons she has, she either doesn't fully trust this guy or has doubts about their future; or she doesn't want to burn her bridge with you. If this is the case, if you called her out and kicked her to the curb she may just break down and dump the boyfriend and beg for forgiveness. But I am totally speculating here, it just seems weird to find your "soul-mate" but continue living in your current relationship that your not happy in. I don't know, it just doesn't seem to add up.

I really hate to give advice in a situation like this because I don't have to deal with the consequences if things don't work out. But I hope maybe these observations might help put something in perspective, otherwise I really hope this works out for you.

[chosenone]

the trouble is Charles that her boyfriend wont have her in his house, and also the last time PJ attempted to set boundaries and asked her to leave,she pretented to committ suicide thus manipulating him into having her back.

[Charles Sloan]

the trouble is Charles that her boyfriend wont have her in his house, and also the last time PJ attempted to set boundaries and asked her to leave,she pretented to committ suicide thus manipulating him into having her back.

I see.

The suicide threats kind of reinforce the idea that shes bluffing. Since if she is seriously considering killing herself as an alternative to homelessness or supporting herself she needs to be committed. Either she needs to get some help if she is really suicidal or she needs to face the consequences of her actions. If she doesn't it seems she will continue taking advantage of the people around her and using their compassion to manipulate them.

One a side note, why does the new boyfriend say she isn't allowed in the house?  

[chosenone]

the trouble is Charles that her boyfriend wont have her in his house, and also the last time PJ attempted to set boundaries and asked her to leave,she pretented to committ suicide thus manipulating him into having her back.

I see.

The suicide threats kind of reinforce the idea that shes bluffing. Since if she is seriously considering killing herself as an alternative to homelessness or supporting herself she needs to be committed. Either she needs to get some help if she is really suicidal or she needs to face the consequences of her actions. If she doesn't it seems she will continue taking advantage of the people around her and using their compassion to manipulate them.

One a side note, why does the new boyfriend say she isn't allowed in the house? 

 Pj will have to answer that one but maybe it is that he doesnt want the responsibility of her full time. He is happyto have an affair but without the full time committment maybe?Apparently he (the boyfriend)has offered to set her up in a flat but why she wont take him up on that only she knows. I just hate to see people manipulated and taken advantage of. I have seen tot much if it.

[primaryjustice]

Charles - Thank you for your responses and insight. Regarding the suicide attempt, I think it absolutely was her way of not wanting to cope with the consequences of her actions. I believe it was chosenone who said upon hearing about the suicide attempt that it was absolutely a form of manipulation to which I agree in hindsight. One things for sure, she hasn't brought it up again after spending a week in the hospital and almost causing permanent damage to her liver.

From conversations I had with her early on, she told me her "lover" never wanted this affair reaching his home. He has two kids which he apparently doesn't want "involved" in his affair. She said they had both agreed it was never the intent for her to leave and move in with him. What she says she wanted and wants is to move out on her own and date him. Not sure how much of that is her and how much of that is his manipulation. That's only one of several red flags that have come up in that relationship. So far, she's lost her marriage as it was, her job, and almost lost her life. I don't think this man has lost anything at all in this relationship so far. But alas, someone in her state can't really see that since she's put up some pretty big blinders.

chosenone - I appreciate your concern about the manipulation. I know what she's doing is blatantly manipulating, and if I'm not mistaken, the reason she's still in our house is because she doesn't have a job that pays her enough to move out, and the reason she hasn't filed for divorce is money/doesn't want to lose her health insurance. That said, in addition to a lot of prayer and searching the Bible, I'm starting to take steps to cover myself so that if/when I do ask her to leave again, it's permanent and can't come back and bite me. On the one hand, that buys her a bit more time to find some kind of employment and maybe actually snap out of this, but on the other hand, it gives me the time to rationally have a plan in case she decides to try something unpredictable when I ask her to leave. That's why I'm talking to my pastor/landlord, and I may seek legal counsel if necessary to cover all of my bases.

Still hoping and praying!

As a sidenote, has anyone ever read "Love must be tough" by Dr. Dobson? Just picked up a copy. I'm interested in seeing what kind of advice it offers.

[chosenone]

Hi PJ
have you actually told her that she has to leave soon? It may be best for her to have proir warning.is she OK about that?
She does indeed seem to have blinders about this man. Is she sure that he isnt actually still married? Are his children living with him?Its actually very sad as you can see from a mile off that their relationship isnt going to work, but what can you do? He wants the affair but not the responsibility it seems.
Thats really good that you are seeing your pastor, so that you can have His support and advice, about the appartment  and the situation as a whole.  As for the medical insurance, well if she doesnt want you she cant have that for ever can she. It is one of the things that she will have to sort out herself.

[primaryjustice]

Yep, we've discussed it and she's made it sound like it's what she's wanted from the beginning. Not sure how true that is, if she's bluffing, or what she really wants, since I hate to say it but I don't trust much of what she says anymore.

As far as the other man being married, sure, could be for all I know. Sounds like my wife completely, 100% trusts the guy (again, red flag...you 100% trust a guy who just helped a woman wreck her faith/marriage/job/mental health), and she says he's been divorced for a few years. Interestingly enough, I wonder if she's ever done a basic online search for him. His white pages listing online shows a woman in his household. Might be his ex and the listing is old, might be he's hiding quite a bit. Doesn't matter really, doesn't change what she's done. I don't trust him one bit.

Not too worried about the medical insurance. That'll be on her if this ends in divorce.

[Charles Sloan]

Charles - Thank you for your responses and insight. Regarding the suicide attempt, I think it absolutely was her way of not wanting to cope with the consequences of her actions. I believe it was chosenone who said upon hearing about the suicide attempt that it was absolutely a form of manipulation to which I agree in hindsight. One things for sure, she hasn't brought it up again after spending a week in the hospital and almost causing permanent damage to her liver.

From conversations I had with her early on, she told me her "lover" never wanted this affair reaching his home. He has two kids which he apparently doesn't want "involved" in his affair. She said they had both agreed it was never the intent for her to leave and move in with him. What she says she wanted and wants is to move out on her own and date him. Not sure how much of that is her and how much of that is his manipulation. That's only one of several red flags that have come up in that relationship. So far, she's lost her marriage as it was, her job, and almost lost her life. I don't think this man has lost anything at all in this relationship so far. But alas, someone in her state can't really see that since she's put up some pretty big blinders.

Sounds like he doesn't want her apart of his personal life, but he isn't too concerned about the collateral damage this affair wreaks in her life. There is one thing I would just like to point out again, it seems like you are enabling her behavior since there seems to be no consequences for her actions whatsoever. If she feels she can do whatever she wants and you will be there to pick up the pieces, even if this affair blows over there will always be another similar situation in the not to distant future.

This is just an observation, but it seems like you will always be holding the short end of the stick.