Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?

[primaryjustice]

Hello. I'm new to this forum and was interested in seeking some council from other believers. My situation is not uncommon. Long story short, my wife has been having an affair with a man she met, who from day one I said was bad news. While no affair is simple, if it were a matter of committing infidelity, removing the affair, and seeking at all costs to repair the marriage, I would still be hurting but would dive in head first to try and fix the problem. What complicates this it that she is completely in love with the man. She has always had a difficult time opening her heart to me, or anyone, but apparently she did with this man. She gave him her heart, soul, and body.

The affair has been going on since mid-January, and although I'd been heavily suspecting it for months, I found out for sure last Tuesday. Immediately she told me I had no idea how deep it ran, and since my first reaction was to choose between him and me, she said she can't leave him, that it would be the end of her. Since then it's been crushing my heart to find out more and more details about just how intimate this relationship is (way beyond just physical). I've made the mistake of asking several questions and the answers have been devastating.

Even with all of that said, she says she still loves me, but had "checked out" of the marriage before this affair even started. Additionally, she knows the Bible well, and is very well aware of what scripture says about adultery. She says she knew going in, and that she made her choices, but she never wanted to hurt me, and she does not hate me.

We have talked to our pastors and have been referred to counseling, however I find it next to impossible to believe that it will do much unless there is a fundamental change in her heart and she makes the choice, of her own free desire, to end the relationship with the other man. This would indeed require that her heart change with God, and only then can restoration begin. I know I should believe in God for miracles, but is that what I'm doing here, or am I just being a doormat?

Any help / prayers would be greatly appreciated, both for myself and her. I still do love her very much, despite this mortal blow to our marriage. God is capable of resurrection.

[chosenone]

You are right in that the marriage wont work unless she decides to stop contact and work on it with you. While she is still seeing him, nothing will change.She does need to choose , but it sounds as if she has made her choice, sadly she will almost certainly regret it at some point but that is for her to find out.
Does she want a divorce so she can be with him? Does she intend to leave you?  Is the other guy a christian?
is she prepared to go to counselling? I cant see what use counselling is if she is going to carry on seeing him.

You may have to let her go, and pray. My husband went through this with his former wife. She met another man, a non Christian, and had an affair and wanted to marry him. She divorced my husband and then broke up with the other man 2 months later. The grass always seems greener, but it rarely is in practice. It turned out that he wasnt her 'knight in shining armour' after all and never wanted to marry her.

if I were you, I would ask her to choose, and then if she choose him that she must move out. I could not live with a person who was cheating on me, especially if they had no intention in stopping..  She is treading on thin ice with God. She knows full well what she is doing but is doing it anyway. Their relationship will NEVER be blessed by God, and we do reap what we sow. I just hope that at least he isnt married so that his family dont have to suffer as you are.

[son of God]

been through it myself.  Choosenone is correct: she must choose to repent and change her ways.  She must choose to stop seeing him.  If she hasn't yet, she hasn't repented yet. 

As to kick her out until she repents, there is scripture for that, too.  If she is a believer, she is living in sin and knowingly doing so.  Having confronted her, then take another believer.  If she still doesn't listen, take her to the church.  She won't come along for that, of course, so deal with it incognito.

However, that is for another situation, I believe, but others would apply it here, so I gave it.  I think that the Word gives another scenario to follow, and that for those such as your wife.  It says that if you see a believer in sin, to confront him in love.  If the believer continues, do so a second time.  If the "believer" doesn't repent, then we, and you, are to have nothing to do with that person: not even to eat with such.

How does this apply to divorce being sin?  Separating from her is not divorcing her.  Those are two totally, totally different things, and they incorporate the use of different words.  Let's be sure not to confuse or mix the two, as one and the same thing.  Separte from her for the second scenario stated in conjunction with the Word, but do not divorce.  Forgive, even as Christ forgave you.

When there is repentance, then you can have reunion -- unless she has remarried, of course.  That is one of the most damnable things about divorce and remarriage: it completely preclude reconciliation, which is the foundation of the very gospel itself.  When we place a person in the position where they cannot be restored to fellowship at a later date when they have a change of heart, we have done spiritual violence to the kingdom of God.  If they do that, we cannot do anything about it, but it surely doesn't then free us to go and do likewise, does it?

These heavy things of the heart and mind are not easy to carry out, but they must be done in Him.  They must be done in light of all of the scriptures that He has given us on it.  Let not one outweigh or negate the other, in any way.  When in doubt, take the conservative, purest way, and God will reward us spiritually by the truck load.  Stay the course, no matter the pain.  God will indeed set your face like flint, so that you will not be taken down by it -- provided you acknowlege the Lord (folow Him) in all your ways, and lean not on your own understanding, but take His word at face value and live completely by it, no matter the cost.

Count the cost...

And he who puts his hand to the plow, and looks back, is not fit for the kingdom of heaven. 

Press on, dear man of God.  Press on, and remain faithful to Him through it all.

And may the God of peace guard you heart and mind in Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior!  (He gave Himself totally for our restoration.  He paid the total bill.  Go and do thou likewise.)

[BAH-BLAH]

I was in that same seat too friend. Mine got within a week of a final divorce, and after a 1.5 yr seperation.
God did something VERY blunt in my case, LONG after I'd basically moved on and was actually OK and resigned to the new life (after literally torture for months, sickness, weight loss, no sleep, etc)...I was OK, THEN she shows up ready to reconcile. I was thinkin, "Thanks God.....why now?"

Anyway, I was led to hear Him saying hey bub this is what you wept for, this is what you begged and prayed for....here it IS....See I am faithful!!!

So I (reluctantly) reconciled and thats been 5 years.

Point is, there is hope, thats all Im trying to convey. Be open to Him and His leading, even if it seems like its not the shortest path to where you want to be.

[son of God]

Good word, BB

[primaryjustice]

Thank you all for your responses and prayer. I am trying to take this one day at a time, but throughout I feel God's peace and assurance that no matter what happens, he remains in control. Nothing has changed in the situation, but at least my wife is willing to go to counseling. While I doubt her motives, I appreciate the action. At least some hope remains.

I am prepared for the long haul in this, and through prayer and advice of others, I'm coming to recognize that my joy is not dependent on her or our marriage, or even the outcome of this situation, but on my relationship with Jesus Christ. That most important of relationships that suffered while I made the mistake of putting my wife ahead of Him has now become my primary focus in life. God truly is good.

[son of God]

Excellent, PJ!!!

[BAH-BLAH]

Thank you all for your responses and prayer. I am trying to take this one day at a time, but throughout I feel God's peace and assurance that no matter what happens, he remains in control. Nothing has changed in the situation, but at least my wife is willing to go to counseling. While I doubt her motives, I appreciate the action. At least some hope remains.

I am prepared for the long haul in this, and through prayer and advice of others, I'm coming to recognize that my joy is not dependent on her or our marriage, or even the outcome of this situation, but on my relationship with Jesus Christ. That most important of relationships that suffered while I made the mistake of putting my wife ahead of Him has now become my primary focus in life. God truly is good.

Well dont be surprised that you recognize that in degrees. I do not expect it happens and sticks very fast. Peeks through the murk are great, then you get dragged back under,and its normal.

Keep bobbing up ands down, eventually you will float to the top and stay there

[johntwayne]

 

[JohnDB]

Thank you all for your responses and prayer. I am trying to take this one day at a time, but throughout I feel God's peace and assurance that no matter what happens, he remains in control. Nothing has changed in the situation, but at least my wife is willing to go to counseling. While I doubt her motives, I appreciate the action. At least some hope remains.

I am prepared for the long haul in this, and through prayer and advice of others, I'm coming to recognize that my joy is not dependent on her or our marriage, or even the outcome of this situation, but on my relationship with Jesus Christ. That most important of relationships that suffered while I made the mistake of putting my wife ahead of Him has now become my primary focus in life. God truly is good.

Look...you may not like the sound of this but any relationship where one partner is not concerned with God but is more concerned with their own personal wants and desires instead of serving God together with you....you don't want it.

Besides...the world is full of women who really want a good Christian man. The picking and choosing is yours...There are way more women than men.

[son of God]

scripture advises you to stick with him that he might be won to the faith.  Christ is our total example in this, which we are to follow.  Isn't it interesting how we can demand this from God on our behalf, even though we were wicked from the get-go, and He suffered all for our sake, even while we knew nothing of Him, and worse than that, knew that what we were doing was sin.  The wife is commanded to submit to the ungodly husband, even if he is harsh, as this is the way of Christ, which He did for our sake.  We are told to do the same, to have the same mind as Christ, yet many who demand this of God for their own selves, and most gladly partake of the fruits of it for themselves, say that you shouldn't have the mind of Christ for others if it is unpleasant for you.  Novel.  I think that the word in the Bible for that is "hypocrite".  "forked tongues" is another one.  "speaking of that which they know not, affirming it..." is yet another one.

[Magnificat]

Hello. I'm new to this forum and was interested in seeking some council from other believers. My situation is not uncommon. Long story short, my wife has been having an affair with a man she met, who from day one I said was bad news. While no affair is simple, if it were a matter of committing infidelity, removing the affair, and seeking at all costs to repair the marriage, I would still be hurting but would dive in head first to try and fix the problem. What complicates this it that she is completely in love with the man. She has always had a difficult time opening her heart to me, or anyone, but apparently she did with this man. She gave him her heart, soul, and body.

The affair has been going on since mid-January, and although I'd been heavily suspecting it for months, I found out for sure last Tuesday. Immediately she told me I had no idea how deep it ran, and since my first reaction was to choose between him and me, she said she can't leave him, that it would be the end of her. Since then it's been crushing my heart to find out more and more details about just how intimate this relationship is (way beyond just physical). I've made the mistake of asking several questions and the answers have been devastating.

Even with all of that said, she says she still loves me, but had "checked out" of the marriage before this affair even started. Additionally, she knows the Bible well, and is very well aware of what scripture says about adultery. She says she knew going in, and that she made her choices, but she never wanted to hurt me, and she does not hate me.

We have talked to our pastors and have been referred to counseling, however I find it next to impossible to believe that it will do much unless there is a fundamental change in her heart and she makes the choice, of her own free desire, to end the relationship with the other man. This would indeed require that her heart change with God, and only then can restoration begin. I know I should believe in God for miracles, but is that what I'm doing here, or am I just being a doormat?

Any help / prayers would be greatly appreciated, both for myself and her. I still do love her very much, despite this mortal blow to our marriage. God is capable of resurrection.

I will pray for you.  I also believe that you need to pray as a couple. You need to pray for the Holy Spirit to come into both your hearts so that you can work through this.

[Ben]

Well brother I hear what you are saying and my prayers are with you since I know EXACTLY what you are experiencing because I too was at one time right where you are now, with the exception my (now ex) wife was not saved.  She chased her fantasy with her new lover for about six months, then found out that he had bad breath and his hair was a mess in the morning just like me, so she made a pitiful attempt to get me back in her arms. I say pitiful because I didn't even realize it was an attempt until 12 years after the fact!!!

My suggestions? 

Don't listen to the legalists they love dragging you down with legalism. 

Do listen to what the Holy Spirit is telling your heart.

Don't ever stop unconditionally loving her.  God loves us unconditionally, and we are God's children so we must love as He loves.

Start keeping a journal EVERY DAY.  Write what you feel and the scriptures God gives you that day.

Stay close to your brothers and sisters at your church. DON'T judge them if they seem to be avoiding you.  Since they don't know what to say to you they don't say anything. 

Talk with your counseling pastor frequently.

If an older and wiser man at church contacts you about sitting down over a cup of coffee and discussing your situation DO IT!

Ben

[yesult]

I personally think that Ben is giving you very sound advice. Particularly the point of listening to the Holy Spirit first and foremost.

Loving someone who has discarded you is a terrible place to be in. I'm so sorry for your pain. Will pray for you as well.

[primaryjustice]

Haven't had a chance to check the post in a bit, but again I'm thankful for all of the additional responses.

Blah; you're absolutely right. While I do keep landing on what I posted about putting my relationship with Christ first and foremost, the past three weeks have absolutely been the wildest emotional roller coaster I've ever been on. It does feel like I'm bobbing and keep getting pulled down underwater, but I still have that lifeline and know it's not going anywhere.

JohnT; thanks so much for your prayers. Please pray for my wife as well!

JohnDB; you're right about there being plenty of Christian women out there who do want to serve, and in myself I really do feel like just letting go, but I believe and feel led to try as much as possible to love unconditionally as much as I can.

Ben: I agree with what you're saying. I am praying and seeking as much counsel on this as possible.

Quick update. The rollercoaster of emotion and anger peaked for me this monday, and I gave my wife an ultimatum to break off the affair or leave the house. I regret this, not so much because of the ultimatum, but because I did it in anger and unloaded on her in ways I shouldn't have. Unfortunately, my wife's emotional health was not in the greatest shape, and she tanked and attempted to down almost an entire bottle of Tylenol PM pills while on the street at night. Thankfully she survived and is now in a hospital where she has been since yesterday morning, however it has completely changed the dynamic of this entire process. I am truly concerned for her safety right now, and I may just completely back off of everything and let her do as she wishes for now. I'm not sure it was even recommended that she come back to the house but instead stay with a friend. That may be best until she stabilizes again.

Please continue to pray for her wellbeing and guidance in her heart. Please pray for strength in mine to endure this trial, and please pray that God gets a hold of our marriage and uses all of this for his glory.