Wife is "head over heels" in love with another man - is there any hope?

[haveahope]

PJ - hi, haven't been on here for a couple days.  I read through the last page pretty quickly.  One thing stands out to me.  The OM - has kids? And you are not sure if he is married, says he isn't but is listed with a woman?  I think it's time to find out for sure.  Do a search of county records.  IF HE IS married, his wife has a right to know what is going on. I mean every right to know!! 

HAH

[primaryjustice]

Charles - I believe you are right with your observation, and just recently I think I've admitted to myself that a) There is a degree of fear of the conflict that will happen if/when I ask her to leave but, b) It will come soon, regardless of that conflict. I went home yesterday and literally devoured half of the book I mentioned earlier, "Love must be tough". Bottom line; if the spouse wants to leave, open the cage door, set them free, and make sure they know there's no guarantee you'll be there later. Makes sense, and Dobson does use scripture to support his position. He does recommend prayer and talking to a counselor/pastor beforehand to make sure you have all your ducks in line, but then moving forward boldly without trying to cling at all.

HAH - I think that isn't a bad idea and now since my curiosity's peaked, I will go and check. On one perspective, I don't really care since it doesn't change what my wife has done. For the sake of the other spouse however, if he is married, it might be good for me to know. Like I've said, 21 years older, 2 kids (supposedly), divorced (?), doesn't want her in his home...this won't end well for my wife...everyone we've spoken with tells her the same thing, which is one of the reasons she's pushed everyone away completely. All I can do is continue to pray for her, and once she leaves the house, I'll continue as well, but will most likely file for divorce quickly thereafter.

Once again, please continue to pray for her, myself, and our marriage. Many thanks!

[Mere Nick]

At least you seem to be seeing to it she is the one who leaves.  There is someone else with a similar thread saying the wife is telling him to leave.  The one who wants out or is stepping out should be the one to pull bags, not the one being cheated on.

[primaryjustice]

Mere - I agree. I think it's the ultimate insult for someone to commit adultery and then ask the faithful spouse to leave. At least my wife hasn't done that. If she did, I would unleash such emotional outrage and pain on her (never physical; I will never, ever strike any woman, especially not my wife) that it would break her completely. She's already not 100% emotionally stable, so it wouldn't be too hard.

That said, I'm now officially working toward a separation, although I'm still fervently praying for God's will and for restoration of my marriage. Since digital evidence can sometimes come back and haunt us, I'm not going to post any more details on here (also this is an open forum that anyone can read if they wish), but suffice it to say there's concrete steps taking place. It hurts my heart heavily, but through prayer, reading the Word, talking with Pastors and other believers, posting here and finally the Dobson book I'm almost done with, I've come to understand that true love does not equal being a doormat for sin, or standing by and allowing it to take place.

As always, please continue to pray for us. The steps I'm taking are going to be very painful for both of us, but sometimes pain is part of doing what is right.

[lightshineon]

 praying.

[primaryjustice]

lightshineone - Thanks for your prayers. The more the better right now. I truly appreciate it.

haveahope - A two minute call revealed that no one under this mans name (or under the woman's name he's listed with) has filed for divorce in the past six years within the county. While I may have missed something such as he may have filed for divorce elsewhere or may have been living in another county when he filed, I'm seriously starting to think this man is still married. I'll leave it at that.

Thanks again for all of the prayers.

[haveahope]

PJ - hope you are doing fine and taking care of yourself.  Eat, drink get some rest.  Tylenol PM worked wonders for me.  Get stronger meds if you need them for a time. 

 I'm sorry you are going through this.  It's a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, if I had one.  If I were a betting person I'd bet that man was still married and is cheating on his wife.  Pray the Lord reveals to you what you need to know.  Have you had any contact with your wife?

Keep on praying, I'm praying for you too.
HAH

[primaryjustice]

hah - Thanks for your concern. Definitely trying my best to take care of myself. It feels like the past few days have been extremely difficult, yet I've still managed to sleep relatively well considering. I thank God for that. All this has taught me the meaning of praying without ceasing!

Wife is still in the house, however I'm finalizing a few things and have been in heavy prayer and talking with pastors and others before precipitating crisis. It will come, though, and it will be initiated by me.

I'm willing to bet he's married as well. I called again the next day and verified my information, even asking them to search with variations of his name. Nothing came up. It would clearly explain why he doesn't want the affair to reach his home.

Thanks again for your prayers! They keep me and others in difficult situations going.

[chosenone]

PJ have you mentioned to your wife that he may be married?It does seem strange that he wont let her in his house and also it seems strange that she doesnt think that is anything to worry about. I guess we can close our eyes to things that we dont want to see.
Is she still seeing him?
Its sounds as if you are doing all the right things. If she refuses to stop seeing him then I dont think you have any alternative. No one should be expected to live with a spouse who is having an affair and wont stop.Its also good that you are getting so much godly support and advice. God Bless

[primaryjustice]

Asked my wife to leave the house last night. She went to stay with her brother for a few days this morning. Told her if she wanted to work things out she was welcome to come back. She was having a panic attack this morning and is in really bad shape because the only job she has is a part time seasonal job she's starting next week. Please pray for her. I love her with all of my heart but can no longer be of any help to her. It's between her and God now. She still has not given up the other man, although I don't think their relationship is the same any more.

[chosenone]

Asked my wife to leave the house last night. She went to stay with her brother for a few days this morning. Told her if she wanted to work things out she was welcome to come back. She was having a panic attack this morning and is in really bad shape because the only job she has is a part time seasonal job she's starting next week. Please pray for her. I love her with all of my heart but can no longer be of any help to her. It's between her and God now. She still has not given up the other man, although I don't think their relationship is the same any more.

 How do you know she has had a panic attack? It may be a good idea of you dont have any contact unless she wants to come back as she may well try to manipulate you again.
I think you did say that she has told you that even if this relationship broke up, she still wants to leave, was that right? if that is the case then she needs to be looking for a full time job now.

I know it is hard for you. if we love someone we dont want to see them hurt, but as that book says love has to be tough sometimes and her carrying on having an affair while living with you was terrible behaviour.

Sometimes people have to go right into the pit before they cry out to God

[lightshineon]

 PJ, what a sweet man you are asking everyone to pray for the one who harmed you. How Christlike you are. OK, I do not want to but I will, because you love her with all your heart. I might though tend to agree with Chosen One, at least until the other man is gone. I would also be tested for various diseases, that could be transmitted by having relations. God Bless you, and God please help PJ wife get her mind right.

[primaryjustice]

chosenone - I'm pretty sure based on physical factors that she was having a panic attack. She calmed down after a bit and was able to collect her thoughts well enough to contact her family for help finally. She's been looking for a number of jobs in the past month but I suppose the economy being what it is all she was able to find was part time seasonal work.

You are right. Last week was horrible. I was driven to a point where while I wasn't considering suicide, I really had begun to not want to be alive anymore, the pain was so great. The sorrow was starting to overwhelm me, and I think part of it was I realized something had to be done. Now that it's done, I still have a great deal of sorrow and am praying for my wife almost all the time, but I feel like there's more order and focus, and I can at least start going forward slowly. The one comfort I have is that I know she hasn't touched her Bible in weeks, but when she left, she took it with her. I'm praying she opens it, reads it, and starts to let God's word into her heart again.

lightshineone - Thank you for your prayers. God knows we need them right now. I can't help but love her and be concerned about her, but I have fully accepted that I can't be of any help to her right now. Early on in prayer God revealed to me that he wanted me to get out of the way so he could work with her, but I don't think I've fully done that until now. It's now fully in God's hands, and the choice is ultimately hers. On her way out, I told her my heart is still open, but it has to be her choice and I'm not going to force her.

Re: testing; I had a number of tests done weeks ago, despite her assurances. Thank God everything was fine, and one of the definite conditions of reconciliation would be for her to be fully tested as well. I don't trust this other man in any way, so who knows what he could be carrying.

Thank you all again for your prayers. As always, please keep my wife in prayer. Like chosenone said, sometimes people have to go to the pit before crying out to God. I hope she starts crying out to Him and actually listens when he answers.

[primaryjustice]

Just wanted to keep requesting prayer for myself and especially my wife. Haven't spoken with her since Sunday morning, so I don't know what's going on but I certainly ask we keep her in prayer. One change I've noticed in me is that having her out of the house has dissipated my anger and all I really have for her now is great love and compassion. My heart is open to forgiveness if she so chooses, but regardless I'm praying for her constantly.

Many thanks!

[lightshineon]

  I am praying. The good news is God is in the restoration business. I find, it interesting that having her leave helped you with your anger. Maybe, that was the Lords plan of you getting out of the way. Sometimes, we do not realize how good we have things until it is gone. Your wife took for granted the jewel of a husband she has in you. I am also praying for Utah dad.