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Offline army1234

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Wife wants divorce
« on: Fri Jun 08, 2018 - 17:01:57 »
My wife and i have been together for 5 years and married for almost 1. i joined the army a year and a half ago and after getting married i reported to my first duty station. Within a week i was told I got orders to go to Germany for 9 months. We spent less than a month in our house living as husband and wife. About a month ago (2 months before returning home) she called me and said that she had gotten drunk one night and had a one night stand. Hearing that killed me. To know that our sacred vows that we professed before god had been thrown away. She then proceeded to tell me that it happened two days prior and that she couldnt live with the guilt of not telling me. She also said that it made her realize that even though she still loved me. She wasnt in love with me. This made matters worse and completely destroyed me. I have never been the most religious man, going to church every other sunday was about all. I started going to church 3-4 times a week and speak to the chaplain and his assistant. I think i am still in love with her and want to get to the bottom of all this and go to counseling to see if she said this because she meant it, or because the alternative would be to hard. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and do not want to throw everything we have been through out the window. I would appreciate any advice on how to keep this marriage for both our sakes. Or if it would be wiser to just give her the divorce once I come back hope. Thank you and God Bless.

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Wife wants divorce
« on: Fri Jun 08, 2018 - 17:01:57 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #1 on: Fri Jun 08, 2018 - 19:13:38 »
This is a tough one. Being that you have been married such a short time and she has already cheated, it may be the best thing for you if the marriage ended. Biblically she has already broken the covenant, and if she wants out of the marriage then it may be best if she can't even be faithful for such a short time. You are in the army and you need a wife who will be faithful while you are away. 
This 'I love you but I am not in love with you', is usually what those who are having an affair say. Could it be that this affair is more than she has let on? That she wants to be with the other man? 
Whatever happens, God wants a closer relationship with you. Have you ever made that decision to follow Jesus Christ?

Offline Alan

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #2 on: Fri Jun 08, 2018 - 19:35:52 »
As chosen has said, this is indeed a tough situation. I think one of the keys here is whether your wife wants a divorce because she doesn't want to be with you or is she trying to bow out due to her shame? Either way, if you feel you would like to make the marriage work and she agrees to try you will have a long road ahead of you rebuilding trust.

You will really need to seek God here and fervently seek His council.

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #2 on: Fri Jun 08, 2018 - 19:35:52 »

Offline Alan

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #3 on: Fri Jun 08, 2018 - 19:37:09 »
 
This 'I love you but I am not in love with you', is usually what those who are having an affair say.


Should be an illegal phrase.

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #3 on: Fri Jun 08, 2018 - 19:37:09 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #4 on: Fri Jun 08, 2018 - 19:45:19 »

Should be an illegal phrase.
 

Yes its horrible. Usually because the affair to them seems like 'real' love compared to the more normal deep love of a marriage. Of course its not, because that initial 'high' will die down as well. No doubt they will then be seeking another person to get that high.   

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #4 on: Fri Jun 08, 2018 - 19:45:19 »



Offline Johnb

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #5 on: Fri Jun 08, 2018 - 21:35:36 »
I am retired army just wondering about a 9 month tour to Germany.  That is normally a 3 year tour. Any way like the others it is time to cut the ties.

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #5 on: Fri Jun 08, 2018 - 21:35:36 »

Offline RB

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #6 on: Sat Jun 09, 2018 - 05:09:29 »
My wife and i have been together for 5 years and married for almost 1. i joined the army a year and a half ago and after getting married
Why? I just do not understand why a man would join the armed forces and leave a wife behind~it just does not make sense to me. It certainly is not wise to do so, for either party. One reason would be you the problem you are now dealing with. It's hard to expect a wife to remain faithful with her husband gone from her and most likely she's working around other males, which within itself is not good either with you at home or not home, but you away makes it a very tempting situation, for any person, spiritual or not spiritual.
Quote from: army1234 Yesterday at 17:01:57
Within a week i was told I got orders to go to Germany for 9 months.
That's is not good, to be very blunt and honest. I been with my wife for over fifty years and have been away from her at night very few times, I can count them on my hands. There will be cases when that's not possible but they should be minimized as much as possible.
Quote from: army1234 Yesterday at 17:01:57
We spent less than a month in our house living as husband and wife.
You did not have enough time to cheer her up, if you know what I mean...That was not fair for your wife and YOU place her in a very vulnerable situation, and yourself, but especially your wife.
Quote from: army1234 Yesterday at 17:01:57
About a month ago (2 months before returning home) she called me and said that she had gotten drunk one night and had a one night stand. Hearing that killed me. To know that our sacred vows that we professed before god had been thrown away. She then proceeded to tell me that it happened two days prior and that she couldnt live with the guilt of not telling me.
Sad, but it happens all the time and many times could be prevented with godly wisdom.
Quote from: army1234 Yesterday at 17:01:57
She also said that it made her realize that even though she still loved me. She wasnt in love with me.
I have heard that before, but must confess, I have no idea what that means and NEITHER does the person saying it. We LEARN to love people and are commanded to do so. Husbands CAN LEARN to love their wives~what some call love is no more than sexual attraction, but love is defined for us by God in 1st Corinthians 13 which the world knows nothing of. I have LEARNED to love my wife, I was really sexually attracted by her (and still am) looks and her body, but knew not one thing about loving her....it took a few years to get this thing call LOVE down according to God's definition.
Quote from: army1234 Yesterday at 17:01:57
I think i am still in love with her and want to get to the bottom of all this and go to counseling to see if she said this because she meant it, or because the alternative would be to hard. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and do not want to throw everything we have been through out the window. I would appreciate any advice on how to keep this marriage for both our sakes. Or if it would be wiser to just give her the divorce once I come back hope
Good for you, for having such a forgiving spirit that is the beginning of loving a person. If she is willing to work on her marriage with you, then do so,. BUT, if you truly want to make your marriage work, then you MUST forget her past and NEVER bring it up again AGAINST HER, especially the first time she may say to you~honey, I am tired can we wait? Your mind would be tempted to throw up her past and that would not be good. Forgiving is FORGETTING.
Quote from: army1234 Yesterday at 17:01:57
God Bless.
May God be gracious unto you as you seek spiritual advice and truly heal your marriage and make it 100 times better than you ever dream could be. The Lord Jesus Christ be with you spirit and guide and comfort you in paths of peace, joy, and happiness is my sincere prayer for you~at least you are seeking spiritual advice, which is good and is pleasing to God.
« Last Edit: Sun Jun 10, 2018 - 02:59:45 by RB »

Offline Johnb

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #7 on: Sat Jun 09, 2018 - 07:56:03 »
RB  As retired military folks join for many reasons mostly for love of country.  All military family's have periods of separation.  The divorce rate is no better or worse than the rest of the country.  If there is love for one another separation does not destroy the marriage.  If she is not asking to be forgiven to keep the marriage alive it is dead.

Offline RB

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #8 on: Sat Jun 09, 2018 - 08:14:45 »
RB  As retired military folks join for many reasons mostly for love of country.  All military family's have periods of separation.  The divorce rate is no better or worse than the rest of the country. 
Johnb I agree with you, but why for a young man just marring? A love for one's spouse is more than a love for one's country, at least it should be.
Quote
All military family's have periods of separation.
When I see mothers separated from their children because they have joined the military that to me is against nature~something is not right. I'm sure there're exceptions, but it should not be the rule.

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #8 on: Sat Jun 09, 2018 - 08:14:45 »

Offline Texas Conservative

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #9 on: Sat Jun 09, 2018 - 11:25:15 »
It's hard to expect a wife to remain faithful with her husband gone from her and most likely she's working around other males, which within itself is not good either with you at home or not home, but you away makes it a very tempting situation, for any person, spiritual or not spiritual.

This isn't biblical RB.  It isn't hard to expect a woman to be faithful or a man to be faithful.  She cheated because she doesn't really love the guy in the OP.  If he was smart he'd divorce her in a heartbeat.  This guy needs to push his emotions to the side for a minute and use his brain instead of his feels, because what I am saying is the truth.

Women who love their husbands don't cheat.

Offline Texas Conservative

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #10 on: Sat Jun 09, 2018 - 11:26:23 »
My wife and i have been together for 5 years and married for almost 1. i joined the army a year and a half ago and after getting married i reported to my first duty station. Within a week i was told I got orders to go to Germany for 9 months. We spent less than a month in our house living as husband and wife. About a month ago (2 months before returning home) she called me and said that she had gotten drunk one night and had a one night stand. Hearing that killed me. To know that our sacred vows that we professed before god had been thrown away. She then proceeded to tell me that it happened two days prior and that she couldnt live with the guilt of not telling me. She also said that it made her realize that even though she still loved me. She wasnt in love with me. This made matters worse and completely destroyed me. I have never been the most religious man, going to church every other sunday was about all. I started going to church 3-4 times a week and speak to the chaplain and his assistant. I think i am still in love with her and want to get to the bottom of all this and go to counseling to see if she said this because she meant it, or because the alternative would be to hard. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and do not want to throw everything we have been through out the window. I would appreciate any advice on how to keep this marriage for both our sakes. Or if it would be wiser to just give her the divorce once I come back hope. Thank you and God Bless.

You want to be cheated on again, and live with continual heartache?  Stay with her.  She doesn't really love you or she wouldn't have cheated.

Want to use your brain?  Divorce her.

Offline Johnb

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #11 on: Sat Jun 09, 2018 - 13:53:42 »
TC one of those rare occasions that we agree.

RB as a military recruiter it is quite common for newly married of both sexes to join the military.  The ones with real love survive.  There are many jobs that require long periods of separation (river boat, truck driver and railroad just to name a couple)  almost all folks joining the military are newly married or will get married in their first enlistment so your argument IMO is nonsense.

Offline mommydi

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #12 on: Sat Jun 09, 2018 - 14:31:42 »
You want to be cheated on again, and live with continual heartache?  Stay with her.  She doesn't really love you or she wouldn't have cheated.


True.

General rule of thumb-

When a married man cheats on his wife, he'll often say he still loves his wife and has no intention of leaving the marriage.
When a married woman cheats on her husband, the love is gone and her marriage is basically over.
Men compartmentalize their feelings much easier. They can cheat and still love their wives because they can keep the lover and the wife compartmentalized in their minds.
When a married man cheats, he'll often say it had nothing to do with his wife. (compartmentalizing the women)
When a married woman cheats, she's doing it because she feels neglected, abused, or unfulfilled by her husband and no feelings of love.

I don't know army123's wife, but if she's the typical woman, when she slept with another man, that was a sign her marriage was over.


 
« Last Edit: Sat Jun 09, 2018 - 14:47:08 by mommydi »

Offline Jean74

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #13 on: Sat Jun 09, 2018 - 21:41:34 »
Praying for you and that the Lord will help you. Just remember let Him lead this situation. And hope that you both can get some counseling and seek the help and love of God.

Offline RB

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #14 on: Sun Jun 10, 2018 - 02:54:58 »
RB as a military recruiter it is quite common for newly married of both sexes to join the military. 
Well say what you will Johnb as an "twenty-first century" military recruiter, but women should NOT be in the miltiary~it's against the bible and common sense, but common sense is not too common anymore~and bible convictions are even less. Women were created to be a help meet for her husband at home~now by saying that I am NOT saying she cannot work outside the home, but again it is AGAINST nature and common sense, to believe women can go into combat with males, INSANE....an evil pestilence of our day, and will only get worse and worse. Not much surprises me anymore, especially so when men lean on their own wisdom and understanding and do not seek true wisdom from God's word.

There may be rare exceptions, but God did not create women to be able to go face to face with males in war, how many women did David have?  David was a man of war and had many mighty MEN, not ONE woman among them. I'll stop, but the scriptures would shame any person who believes otherwise.
« Last Edit: Sun Jun 10, 2018 - 03:05:13 by RB »

Offline Johnb

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #15 on: Sun Jun 10, 2018 - 06:08:11 »
RB  we are off topic here but women have been in the military for as long as we have had one.  However, until recently they were restricted to non combat roles.  I was not in favor of the change for a number of reasons but mostly because even with all the denying the physical standards are lowered and that makes our army weaker.  That being said I see nothing in scripture that forbids women from being in the military or any job that is legal and moral.  No different than being a truck driver or a thousand other jobs.  That is a restriction in your mind not found in scripture.
« Last Edit: Sun Jun 10, 2018 - 06:10:37 by Johnb »

Online Ginger Rella

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #16 on: Sun Jun 10, 2018 - 07:54:59 »


There may be rare exceptions, but God did not create women to be able to go face to face with males in war, how many women did David have?  David was a man of war and had many mighty MEN, not ONE woman among them. I'll stop, but the scriptures would shame any person who believes otherwise.

I won't argue for this by any stretch. There are just so many things that make this totally idiotic IMHO.

BUT... with all that I could name wrong with women being in the combat zone... Israel has had women for as far back as I remember and they do seem to do an excellent job.




Offline Ray in Florida

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #17 on: Sun Jun 24, 2018 - 10:50:26 »
I have been where you are ... it's been almost 15 years (2003-04) now ... wife had an affair with a co-worker ... went on for almost a year before I found out ... we survived ... then, in 2010, she wanted a separation ... I was devastated ... knew that, no matter what she decided to do, I wasn't equipped to go forward ... got into 2 classes at my church ... and, after 6 months ... and much prayer ... we were back together ... we've been married now for over 30 years ... and by the grace of Our Lord, we'll have many more ...

Let me share something I learned along the road we've traveled ... "Love is something we articulate in the vocabulary of ACTION ... Love is a VERB … a CHOICE! It's not a feeling you get from another PERSON … it's an experience you receive as a result of DEEDS YOU DO for another person!!"

Prayers to you ... ::cool:: ::groupprayer::

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife wants divorce
« Reply #18 on: Sun Jul 08, 2018 - 14:55:49 »
True.

General rule of thumb-

When a married man cheats on his wife, he'll often say he still loves his wife and has no intention of leaving the marriage.
When a married woman cheats on her husband, the love is gone and her marriage is basically over.
Men compartmentalize their feelings much easier. They can cheat and still love their wives because they can keep the lover and the wife compartmentalized in their minds.
When a married man cheats, he'll often say it had nothing to do with his wife. (compartmentalizing the women)
When a married woman cheats, she's doing it because she feels neglected, abused, or unfulfilled by her husband and no feelings of love.

I don't know army123's wife, but if she's the typical woman, when she slept with another man, that was a sign her marriage was over.
 

Sometimes people cheat just because they have low moral values and no character.

 

     
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