I just joined recently, so do not know you personally yet. But I can understand your frustration. Marriage is a partnership. If it seems one partner simply doesn't care, where do you go?
There are some excellent thoughts already posted. I trust you will seek God's wisdom in discerning which best apply to your situation.
Here are my thoughts. Please accept that they are well intended.
Relationships are often just hard for guys to talk about, but I sensed an approach to your original post that makes me feel like you just may be working too hard to "manage" both your wife and the situation. Maybe it is simply how you have come to cope with it over time...but you seem (to my ears) to be emotionally distanced from her.
I don't mean to be judgemental. I'm just trying to pull from my own experience to give you something that might be of help. A husband can love a wife dearly, and be beating his brains against the wall trying to do the right thing. But all a wife can see is that her husband looks angry...
Some small suggestions:
Again, you must discern if any even apply. These are directly from my own history.
Be wary of micro-managing. It steals the identity of others.
Ask what you can do to help in a manner that excludes any judgement. There might still be a backlash..but a kind word does turneth away wrath! (mostly)
Make little inroads into finding out more about who your wife is as a person. You both need and deserve that.
Try to express to her your own joy in your three children. Be "in tune" with her when she does the same.
Basically, help her to feel more like a true partner and less like a burden...if that seems to fit. True enough, being an at home mom and knowing your husband is out there working himself to the bone can make you feel that way.
If you can find it in yourself to do so, maybe even make that appointment with a counselor yourself. Hopefully she will understand what it meant for you to go that distance.
Also, for you... please be kind to yourself as well. I don't know you yet, but you do seem to care deeply about your marriage. Go with that, and may you be Blessed with a happy resolution.