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Offline s1n4m1n

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Wife won't clean house
« on: June 10, 2010, 11:02:50 AM »
I'm disgusted with my wife in that she is the full time "homemaker" and yet doesn't fulfil her role. On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd put it at a 2. It seems like she has very little concern for how we live (we have 3 children), other than "prettifying" or 3 year old daughter when we go out in public.

This has been a continual problem in our marriage (married 13 years). Examples of the types of problems:

1) I would repeatedly tell her to make sure that diapers were properly thrown away - I come home from work, diapers or pull-ups laying on the floor (thankfully this has stopped since our children were potty trained)

2) I come home for lunch from work almost everyday - who fixes lunch for the children during this period, I do, many times the wife doesn't even know what food in the house to prepare

3) Doesn't prepare dinner - wife said she couldn't cook because the stove we had was too old, I bought a $700 stove exactly what she wanted and she still doesn't prepare dinner. Either I do the cooking or we eat out. I don't mind cooking so this isn't that much of a problem, except I end up coming home from work, cooking dinner, setting the table, and wait on everyone hand and foot during the meal

4) House cleaning is virtually nonexistant - if I don't do it it doesn't get done with the exception of clothes washing and dish washing. Literally food and mess laying on the floor for weeks, if I don't clean it up.

This has been the essential dispute between my wife and I our entire marriage, I consider it to be slothfulness and a sin. I would understand if she worked full-time or even part-time but this is her only job.

I'll ask her what she did for the day and she'll reply "I don't have to tell you", stuff like that.

I've tried for years and years and I'm at the end of my rope. Finally, I've told her that if she doesn't change I will divorce her. I'm tired of the yelling and fights that we have (in front of the children too) about the same issue over and over. It's like she doesn't care.

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Wife won't clean house
« on: June 10, 2010, 11:02:50 AM »

Offline walker starr

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2010, 12:46:08 PM »



   I know my answer may displease every one or almost everyone on this forum.
    My first wife was a great deal like that.  I don't mean she didn't help housekeep but
she constantly was quarrelsome.  I stuck it out for 17 years.  But enough is enough.
    It is not good it is harmful for children to hear their parents constantly yelling at each
    other.  I know that my children(grown now) were harmed psychologically.  They
    have been much better off if I hadn't waited 17 years  and taken them with me.
    GOD bless.

  Ps I was too young to know any better at the time.

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2010, 12:46:08 PM »

Offline Silvia

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2010, 12:56:50 PM »
Do you find things to compliment her about? That she has the 3 year old fixed up nicely, etc. Do you speak kindly about the things that she *does* do?

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2010, 12:56:50 PM »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2010, 01:46:19 PM »
I am sure it is frustrating, but cant see that it is a cause for divorce. Have you tried counselling to help sort this out? Has she always been so messy and unable to want to cook?

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2010, 01:46:19 PM »

Offline phoebe

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2010, 04:30:52 PM »
I've been reading your posts on GCM for a long time and have always respected you.  Am wondering why you waited so long, until you are in a crisis moment, to seek help, when you've obviously been needing it for years?

Get help.  Insist on a counselor with the understanding that if she doesn't go, separation for your mental health and the physical and emotional health of your children will be the next step.  She needs motivation to which she can respond.  Ask Doc Roberson for direction.


In the meantime, my suggestions:

1)  Stop doing her work.

2)  Invite someone over.  Explain to them in advance your dilemma so they won't be shocked at what they will see.  Don't be surprised if she bolts and leaves you holding the bag.

3)  www.FlyLady.com  For her, not you.  Trust me.  If one is overwhelmed by the tasks at hand, this is the place to go.

4)  Be compassionate.  It is sometimes the result of a form of depression and/or extremely low self-esteem (why she needs counseling).


It seems she has closed her spirit-door to you.  There is a reason(s) for it that may or may not have anything to do with you.  Whatever it is, you need to find out why, and then work at re-opening that door, if, indeed, it ever was open to you.




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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #4 on: June 10, 2010, 04:30:52 PM »



Offline BobsRib

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2010, 08:26:02 PM »
Threatening to leave will really help(sarcasm) ::frown:: Her problem is probably due to depression. Stay at home Mom's rarely get much praise. It is a job that is often called a "thankless" job. People that don't live it day in and day out can't see it. Do you have any idea how many women get jobs outside the home because they can't hack it??? Of course I don't mean all working Mom fit into this category. but many do.

What can you do? Help her with the housework without acting all "holier than thou". It just make it worse if you help and act mad. You might as well not do it.


Show that you value HER not just what she is supposed to do for you and your children.

She "pretties" up your daughter.... maybe because she doesn't feel like a person on her own.... just through someone else.... like her daughter.

Asking her "what have you been doing all day?". to her, is an accusation, not true interest in HER.

Asking someone over for dinner might just help. Give her notice. Volunteer to cook outside. This will give a chance to clean up the house and not worry about dinner.

Make sure you let her know the dinner guest are for a fun evening for BOTH of you. Hire a babysitter to feed the kids (in another room) and put them to bed.

God commands you to love and UNDERSTAND your wife. Poor housekeeping skills are NOT an excuse to put her down and threaten to leave her.  If there is arguing and fighting over this... it is your fault. Sorry walker You are way off base. I guess if the Hubby doesn't mow the yard often enough or take out the trash or service the cars on time, then wives should take to the streets and hire lawyers.

This is a tough time in marriage. Job demands, kid demands, financial demands, couple are tired and stressed. It is not the time to turn on each other.  Live with you wife in understanding. and pray.

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #5 on: June 10, 2010, 08:26:02 PM »

Offline BobsRib

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #6 on: June 10, 2010, 09:01:04 PM »
I would like to add one more thought.

If your wife had posted about how her husband was griping constantly about how bad she was keeping the house and not cooking, I would remind her about her duty to God to be the wife her husband needs. I would tell her to read the book A Woman After God's Own Heart for ideas about how to show her love to her husband by keeping his home a sanctuary he can't wait to come home to.  It is not a one sided deal. But since I can't tell your wife what she needs to do to improve the marriage .... I can only tell the husband how he can and should work on the marriage.

Prayer is part of spiritual warfare!!

Offline phoebe

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #7 on: June 10, 2010, 10:23:17 PM »
BobsRib - I agree with much of what you have said, esp. the biblical part about the husband being called to "understand" his wife.  Your comments have brought to my mind the following questions:

• Where is the wife's "sanctuary"?
• What haven does the husband provide for his wife?
• Where can she go for a few moments of respite and guilt-free peace, with no one disturbing her few moments of refueling solace?
• Does a husband ever think of his wife's needs in this way, or is this need reserved only for husbands, and to be provided by his wife? 

When the place of solace is the source of the stress, there can never be any solace, no sanctuary. 








Offline lightshineon

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2010, 10:34:25 PM »
 Truth- She needs to do much better
 
 Truth- no reason for divorce

 Truth- she is doing something else, facebook, drugs, My Space, TV, whatever not cleaning house.

 Truth- Prayer changes things, love her where she is right now, things can change by God's hands, use the love Ch 1 thirteen, to motivate you.

 Truth- You could marry and OCD, humming bird like me, that never sits still, and nothing is ever clean enough.

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #8 on: June 10, 2010, 10:34:25 PM »

Offline s1n4m1n

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2010, 08:54:30 AM »
Do you find things to compliment her about? That she has the 3 year old fixed up nicely, etc. Do you speak kindly about the things that she *does* do?

Yes I do. Though I admit I'm not lavish in my praise. Sometimes I'm not sure to praise or not, for example when she washes the boys clothes (I normally do it) but then leaves them in the basket in the hall for 5 days and I end up putting everything up even though I've asked her everyday to put it up.

Offline s1n4m1n

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2010, 09:16:31 AM »
I am sure it is frustrating, but cant see that it is a cause for divorce.

Its the continuing unresolved conflict that is tearing at our marriage. Frankly I don't have much respect for her anymore, I'm not asking for anything special, just to do what she said she wanted to do before we were married. She said she wanted to be a homemaker which was apparently a lie as she never really put any effort into it.

Quote
Have you tried counselling to help sort this out? Has she always been so messy and unable to want to cook?

I'm up for counselling, I've told her to find one (so I don't get of accused of picking someone on my side) and we'll go, so far she hasn't even looked. Our conversations on this have run the gamut from calm reasoned discussions to yell-fests. She knows my position on what I think she needs to do. Her position is that I'm to love her unconditionally therefore I have no right to complain.

Yes, she has always been messy and not a cook. It was my fault for not seeing these problems before we were married. Her parents weren't going to say anything, my parents live out of town and didn't know her well enough and the church we were members of knew the problems she had but decided to keep quiet about it.

[/quote]

Yes,

Offline chosenone

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #11 on: June 11, 2010, 09:59:44 AM »
I am sure it is frustrating, but cant see that it is a cause for divorce.

Its the continuing unresolved conflict that is tearing at our marriage. Frankly I don't have much respect for her anymore, I'm not asking for anything special, just to do what she said she wanted to do before we were married. She said she wanted to be a homemaker which was apparently a lie as she never really put any effort into it.

Quote
Have you tried counselling to help sort this out? Has she always been so messy and unable to want to cook?

I'm up for counselling, I've told her to find one (so I don't get of accused of picking someone on my side) and we'll go, so far she hasn't even looked. Our conversations on this have run the gamut from calm reasoned discussions to yell-fests. She knows my position on what I think she needs to do. Her position is that I'm to love her unconditionally therefore I have no right to complain.

Yes, she has always been messy and not a cook. It was my fault for not seeing these problems before we were married. Her parents weren't going to say anything, my parents live out of town and didn't know her well enough and the church we were members of knew the problems she had but decided to keep quiet about it.


Yes,
[/quote]n 

 Well I never cooked till I married at 19, but I soon learnt or we would have starved lol.
 I really think that you need to maybe write her a letter, telling her all of this and how seriously this is affecting you and the marriage, so much so that you are considering a separation. That may just give her a bit of a shock and get her to fond a counsellor and/or start to pull her weight.  Really it isn't that hard to cook and keep a  house in reasonably good condition and wash the clothes.I know that looking after three kids is hard work but you say she has always been like this so it cant be that. If it is just laziness then she can do something about it.
What would happen if you didn't go home lunchtime? Would the kids starve?
 Maybe you could also decide between you  which jobs you will do from now on and which she will do, and do them and nothing else. Don't do her jobs. It isn't fair that you work and do most of the house work as well.

The only other alternative is for her to work full time and get a cleaner and child minder/nanny for the kids. Maybe give her that option?Telling you that you must put up with it whatever isn't right.


Offline vonny

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #12 on: June 11, 2010, 10:26:49 AM »
I feel for you, and am not sure what to say...

However, my take on this, that I'm getting from your post, is that you are, rightly, very frustrated and hurt,and don't really want it to come to separation? I think you really need her to pay attention to what you are telling her and for her to show some love. Her comment that you 'should love her unconditionally' goes both ways, in that she ought to also love you, and love is shown by how we treat one another.

MY second thought is the same as someone else has said; she may well have 'cabin fever', a sense of depression and boredom being at home for a long time. Believe me, it can get you down if you don't get out enough, if you're short on sleep or if there are other extenuating circumstances. Only you will know whether there may be any factors that could be leading to depression in her. Depression doesn't have to be a totally obvious thing, it can be a low grade, subtle apathy about life, a loss of being bothered about things, a loss of perspective. Sometimes we need to get a fresh perspective, get out more, spend time with our spouse alone, and talk.

The only one who may be able to answer whether depression is involved is your wife, and she does need to counsel with someone, and you. Honestly, I feel for you, and know you want to be a good husband, but you are not wrong for feeling so frustrated.

I will mention your situation in prayer, and ask God to be near you and undertake for you right now. ::groupprayer::

Offline JohnDB

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #13 on: June 12, 2010, 05:17:31 AM »
Truth- She needs to do much better
 
  Truth- she is doing something else, facebook, drugs, My Space, TV, whatever not cleaning house.

 Truth- Prayer changes things, love her where she is right now, things can change by God's hands, use the love Ch 1 thirteen, to motivate you.

 Truth- You could marry and OCD, humming bird like me, that never sits still, and nothing is ever clean enough.

Ummmm  Rhonda...you are already happily married to your husband. God only made one of ya.  rofl

(the world couldn't take any more)
 rofl


and as far as the OP is concerned...try this:  ::destroyingcomputer::

considering your financial situation she needs to help...and sitting on the computer ain't gonna help at all. She is showing a complete lack of respect for you or for herself.

Offline Eagle

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Re: Wife won't clean house
« Reply #14 on: June 12, 2010, 01:03:14 PM »
I am sure it is frustrating, but cant see that it is a cause for divorce. Have you tried counselling to help sort this out? Has she always been so messy and unable to want to cook?


Chosen this is only sorta on topic....

If the husband was not working/will not work/had not worked for 13 years just sat around making a mess   would you say
Quote
..... but cant see that it is a cause for divorce....


You liked her enough to make 3 kids she must do something right.    I could not live in the mess i would leave and take my kids.  Hoping to wake her up.


I agree Light