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Author Topic: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?  (Read 19681 times)

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Offline IAMOK

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Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« on: April 29, 2011, 10:10:40 PM »
Just gonna throw that out there to see if there is any interest. Seems to be on the rise today. Plus I think My spouse qualifies.
I said think because my mind is kinda putty from all the abuse and confusion and control...I will comment further after some replies..
Thanks
!amok.

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Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« on: April 29, 2011, 10:10:40 PM »

larry2

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2011, 10:41:50 PM »

I think you're talking about narcissistic personality disorder, and there is much online information about it.

I hope you find the answer because it sounds to be very destructive to the individual and the family.

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2011, 10:41:50 PM »

Offline IAMOK

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2011, 02:04:44 PM »
You are correct. Really hard to deal with and stay sane. I have read and researched over the top on this. Whats the hardest thing is the your all wrong I'm all right attitude. Esp with a person who claims to be Christian..

larry2

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2011, 02:40:09 PM »

My experience with mental illness is that a Christian can suffer all the sickness that a non-believer can. I might ask if she is receiving professional counseling, and has she been diagnosed and being medically treated?

There's so many things that affect a person and many times there is stimulus creating the problem if she hasn't suffered with it all her life. For instance a dear friend's wife began having panic attacks, fearing for her life, afraid to go into public, etc. for over two years I believe. He took her to every doctor he could, and finally one found that she was suffering from mercury poisoning due to fillings in her teeth I think it was,

This might sound trivial under the circumstances, but I have links posted to a marriage seminar at the following link. Each link is approximately two pages and you may discover a great deal of insight as to what is happening in your marriage if she does not have NPD..

http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/marriage-seminar-links/

God bless you in Jesus' name.
 

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2011, 02:40:09 PM »
Pinterest: GraceCentered.com

Offline IAMOK

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2011, 10:03:14 PM »
Been to many counselors and she's a smooth talker so basically no she won't admit anything so her getting help has been hard.
Seems to be worse around pms time and alcohol helps her calm down some. I'm pretty much useless as the man of the house as she does what she wants.. Feeling entitled and all that. When I try to lead she tells me I'm just wrong so to keep the peace I keep those times to a minimum. It goes in cycles it seems. I deal with it well..The verbal abuse is horrendous. Tries to change everything about me.
Thanks for the links but she would disagree with your stance. I think you are right on. I have had lots of that. If the counselors around here had a clue I'm sure they could help her but they are terrible..Just pray with her they say..I do and she laughs at me. Problem is we don't believe in the same bible it seems. I do what it says she does how she feels and says "nobody's perfect" Its like living with satan at times..
This is the best description I've seen..
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/

Thanks
« Last Edit: April 30, 2011, 11:05:54 PM by IAMOK »

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2011, 10:03:14 PM »



Offline zoonance

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2011, 07:19:13 AM »
I looked it up. Sounds like every kid.   I suppose we are supposed to grow out of this!

Narcissistic personality disorder

Last reviewed: November 14, 2010.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition in which people have an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with themselves.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The causes of this disorder are unknown. An overly sensitive personality and parenting problems may affect the development of this disorder.

Symptoms

A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:

React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation

Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals

Have excessive feelings of self-importance

Exaggerate achievements and talents

Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love

Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment

Need constant attention and admiration

Disregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy

Have obsessive self-interest

Pursue mainly selfish goals

Signs and tests

Like other personality disorders, narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed based on a psychological evaluation and the history and severity of the symptoms.

Treatment

Psychotherapy (for example, talk therapy) may help the affected person relate to other people in a more positive and compassionate way.

Expectations (prognosis)

The outcome depends on the severity of the disorder.

Complications

Alcohol or other drug dependence

Relationship, work, and family problems

References

Blais MA, Smallwood P, Groves JE, Rivas-Vazquez RA. Personality and personality disorders. In: Stern TA, Rosenbaum JF, Fava M, Biederman J, Rauch SL, eds. Massachusetts General Hospital Clinical Psychiatry. 1st ed. Philadellphia, Pa: Mosby Elsevier;2008:chap 39.
Review Date: 11/14/2010.

Reviewed by: Linda Vorvick, MD, Medical Director, MEDEX Northwest Division of Physician Assistant Studies, University of Washington School of Medicine; and David B. Merrill, MD, Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Department of Psychiatry, Columbia University Medical Center, New York, NY. Also reviewed by David Zieve, MD, MHA, Medical Director, A.D.A.M., Inc.



A.D.A.M., Disclaimer
Copyright © 2011, A.D.A.M., Inc.

Offline IAMOK

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2011, 10:26:53 AM »
Exactly.!!!!.I have heard it said: "Do you feel that you are living with the most immature person on the planet"? Or "Has she remade you yet"

Offline FOHdude

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #7 on: June 05, 2011, 06:48:31 AM »
This is so relieving and so sad for me at the same time.  I have been living in hell with a wife with these symptoms for 20 years, have 4 kids, great house, great job, and I can never do anything right.  All these years I thought it was me, but with the help and encouragement of strong Christian men, got honest with my wife a few months ago, and it crushed her.  I thought it was BPD, but just recently  read about NPD and I really think it is that.  I have been going to a counselor to get my self healthy, learn to set boundaries and that has worked.  We have been going to see a counselor together but we have hit a roadblock.  She refused to forgive me for things (not huge things) that happened 15 years ago. ( I shared details about our difficult marriage with a woman without her permission- it was wrong and I apologized, about 10 times)  She does not trust me in anything, so we have a cordial business relationship.  I have never been physically unfaithful, never have hid money or any thing else.  I have given her grace and forgiveness for the abuse she has, and continues to give me for the past 20years and am ready to move on, start new, rebuild. She is not. Wont let me touch her.  Havent had sex since last fall, and now temptation is everywhere, its killing me.   I told her to leave if I'm really that bad, I am prepared for that.  My counselor has told me not to expect her to change, that it will get much worse, and if I divorce, it will be an absolute nightmare for me and the kids, not to mention a financial disaster...I make good money.  How did it get this way?  Bottomline- I was a Christian when we got married but lets say not practicing. I was getting laid, the sex was great, she was fun, so WTF lets get married.  After we were married it started changing, I started agreeing I was the screwup...after all the sex was great.  20 years later I'm a shell of a man, letting her abuse me all the time.  So I guess I wait till all the kids are out of highschool then ditch her?  Thats a LONG time a way.

Offline JohnDB

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2011, 07:57:49 PM »
There are some other tactics...they aren't exactly...comfortable for her.

I have been through this.

Lets speak more about grace, respect and forgiveness to her with respect to the fact that you are a Christian household...

IOW

When she doesn't extend grace to anyone...including yourself you mention it to her that she needs to do better.

When she is a "fault finder" she needs to be reminded that her words are not forgiving or respectful of others efforts.

When she claims to know another's motives she is being judgmental and that is forbidden to us mortals and is reserved only for Jesus.

And a reminder that we are forgiven much...and as such need to be forgiving of others.

harp on these lessons.

and what is true is that the whole time she is doing this...know that inside she is feeling rather insignificant...and small...and that she doesn't measure up....so reassure her that you do love her for her fine qualities of her taking care of you and the family and the diligence she shows in that regard.

in the meantime...

while she is trying to fix herself...something every narcissist believes they can do...

When she eats nasty food and yet claims it is gourmet...ignore her
When she does no chores around the house in protest and claims with a false intention that she needed the rest...act like you believe her.
When she claims that she physically isn't up for physical intimacy tell her that you two need to see a physical doctor to find out the reason and that you will spare no expense of getting her tested with all kinds of blood tests and pap smears and pelvic exams to find out the cause.

And follow through with it even when she claims that it will be better in a couple of days. Tell her it doesn't matter and that its been too long and that she surely needs medical attention.

ON the plus side...

Your success at your career is partly her fault...when the only positive reaction has been from your employers for your labors...well...you tend to do better at work. And so you have been giving your job a lot of attention...and hence the raises and promotions.

BUT

And where I know you are hurting...the hell you feel is nothing compared to what your children are feeling...their own self loathing and feelings of worthlessness as they grow up.   You need to do what you can to counteract that with lots of "Good Job!" and "I am proud of you"

I wanna die like grandpa, peacefully and in my sleep; not like the passengers in his car...they were all screaming and panicking.

Online Wycliffes_Shillelagh

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #9 on: June 08, 2011, 07:23:11 PM »
Hey!  There's a scientific name for what my ex does now!  Excellent!  Now I can stop using all those other words for it!
I cannot do anything for God.  God can do anything through me.

Still waiting for God to show up?  Good news - He's already here.

Offline canuck

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2011, 04:24:24 PM »
You are correct. Really hard to deal with and stay sane. I have read and researched over the top on this. Whats the hardest thing is the your all wrong I'm all right attitude. Esp with a person who claims to be Christian..

Narcissism is certainly no byproduct of the process of a Christian's sanctification. The Holy Spirit begins moving the true disciple of Jesus Christ to be far less concerned with self than he/she was prior to regeneration (but certainly not disconnected from ones needs and natural desires).

The born-again believer should begin to show a distinct concern for reaching the lost with the gospel;
with the spiritual welfare of the brethren; and with the temporal needs of those who are incapable of
looking after themselves. A born again believer should not be tied to an " I'm all right, Jack" attitude. There
should be a reasonable consistency with regard to showing graciousness, temperance and care for the feelings of others, though his conduct may at times, offend cf. James 3:2.

I'm unfamiliar with this " NPD " (we have labelled at least a score of "disorders" that weren't even heard of 50 years ago.) But to be obsessed with self is simply not consistent with the fruit of the Holy Spirit and this truth suggests that your wife may not be regenerated by the Spirit of God. There is, of course, the possibility of backsliding on her part. But if she has never displayed a genuine love (especially toward the brethren cf. 1 John 2:10,11 ; 3:14), by virtue of wanting to be helpful and kind to others, she probably has never experienced the love of God shed abroad in her heart as per Rom. 5:5.

canuck

Offline IAMOK

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #11 on: August 22, 2011, 10:15:35 PM »
I agree with you! But take this example

Person has extreme low self worth which by itself clouds their worlds view. Everything is distorted and their reality isn't truth.

They have fantasies of what life is supposed to be like and how they are supposed to be treated..LSW people get that way from 

childhood or some traumatic event. When a person with LSW becomes a Christian they use Christ for their own purpose because of

the lie's inside their head. So yes the majority of people with NPD are not saved and most npd's are LSW. It goes hand in hand.

Look here! http://www.theselfesteeminstitute.com/about-self-esteem.html.

A so called Christian with NPD is a disaster. Always telling you whats wrong with you when they have no clue what they are talking about and could care less about how you feel. They also get into spiritual abuse..Most people with NPD and LSW have many fears and are judgmental and rude.

Remember nothing will change until the npd person changes..People who live close to them can exhibit PTSD over time. Same thing as our guy's in war.

If anyone needs info please PM me as I have done my homework..  Praying is what I do! Its the only thing.

One more thing. Chances are if you go to counseling you may get beat up more..NPD's tell a good story. And they believe it.

IAMOK

Offline clearblue03

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #12 on: September 06, 2011, 11:20:56 PM »
I have an NPD wife. Feel free to PM me.  I've experienced the manipulation and lies first hand.

Offline Redjack

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #13 on: October 04, 2011, 12:38:56 AM »
I have been struggling with this for nine years of marragie, I have just stumbled across this forum and after reading it realised this is what is going on in my marrage. MY wife is very controlling. I am nervous that she will find this post as it is. At least her video monitors that used to watch me around the house have all had accedients. I am despreate to escape. MY family and friends at work are encouraging me on. This summer she was creating a situation when we had a air conditionaire company giving bids on our house. She wouldnt let me talk and would curse at me and tell me to shut up if I wanted to ask questions about the product. She stuck her hand in my face and waved it around till I swatted it away. She then started saying I hit her and was trying to get the saleman to testify for her in court. He looked scared and got out quickly. She got her way and a new 12000 dollar air conditioner was installed. She has called police to the house in the past accusing me of abuse. The cops didnt buy her story.  She wants more done to the house that I do not agree on. She makes it clear, she deserves this, its for the kids, I can move out if I want but I will be paying for it no matter what. I feel helpless as she will get her way. WE are at a desperate time as she is pushing ahead and I need to get out and provide the kids a place to stay part of their lives where they can see normal people and relationships. MY parents have opened their home to me and the kids. BUt I am struggling to get the courage to do this. I do not hate her and I want her to be and do well. I have had my mind on work and the world. I am attempting to get my thoughts wrapped around Jesus again. As I am accumulating my funds now and I have a lawyer lined up. I expect the worse from this divourse.
All tips, words of encouragement, prayers are very much welcome.
 ::help::thanks.
John

Offline clearblue03

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #14 on: October 06, 2011, 03:10:51 AM »
Sorry to hear that John.  I know what you are going through because I went through the same thing. From the information you have provided, it looks like a pretty classic NPD case. While I don't advocate divorce, there is really no other option with an NPD. They will never humble themselves to God. They will never even admit they have a problem. The narcissism keeps them from ever changing their behavior. As a Christian man, you are head of your household. All decisions must go through you unless you have given you wife authority to make those decisions. By attempting to usurp your authority, she has violated the marriage covenant.  The only thing you can go is to put her out of your household.  The current society does not permit you to punish her or have her shunned by the community.
Don't lose hope!! You can get through this! But, you must fight her. That's right. It's going to be a fight.

What to do before the divorce:
- Document her insane behavior.  Gather police reports, emails she has written with threats of violence or suicide. Get witness' statements in writing. Get a list of people's names (like the Air Conditioner sales person) you can subpena into court. Put cameras in your home to record her tantrums.  You need proof in court. NPDs are very good at 'acting' and twisting the truth in court. They will try to paint you as the bad person. FIGHT BACK! Don't let her beat you down! Get as much proof as you can.

- Create a safe space. Either move in with family or rent an apartment. NEVER tell her where your safe place is. Gather all personal items and sensitive financial material and secretly move it to the safe location.  When she blows up next time, she might just destroy your most cherished possessions.  Or she might post your Social security number on the internet. STOP DIRECT DEPOSIT of your paychecks. Collect as much cash as possible so you are sure to have something to live on.  ALL TRUST OF HER SHOULD BE AT ABSOLUTE ZERO.

- Fight the war. Sorry to say but you are already in a war.  Being compassionate to her will not change her heart one iota. In practice you have to be prepared to capitalize on her mistakes. If she strikes you and draws blood, call the police and go to a neighbor's house immediately.  Have pictures taken.  If she threatens suicide (manipulation tactic), call the police and tell them your wife is trying to kill herself.  DO NOT SHARE PERSONAL INFORMATION WITH HER.  Do not tell her how you are feeling or what your priorities are.  She will remember and use all information against you in a court of law.  For example, do not say, "Honey, I won free courtside tickets for the Lakers game on Thursday. I've never been courtside. This will be great!".  This is what she will say in court, "Your Honor, my husband bought these expensive courtside basketball game tickets while we didn't have enough money to get our children braces.  Please see exhibit CL which is a photocopy of the tickets and a note from the dentist stating that the children needed braces."  Only make small talk and never give real information.  Do not throw receipts in the garbage. She will search the garbage and your pockets every night.  Pay cash for as much as possible. Starve her for any information without being obvious.

- Get an alibi: When she is served with the divorce papers she will go absolutely ballistic... even if she knows the divorce is coming. Be in a safe location with witnesses.


-What to do during the divorce:

- Stand your ground. Be a man. She will say the most horrid evil things about you in court. There will be members of the public in the room and all will be recorded by the court recorder. Remember that God knows the truth and his opinion is the only one that matters.  Never engage her in court or anywhere else in a shouting match.  Just turn your thoughts to other things. In my divorce, my ex-wife starting talking about our bedroom activities in a very graphic manner. I told her to shut her filthy mouth in open court and she suddenly got a smile on her face.  She got me.  If the NPD can make you angry then she has control over you and it's makes her feel wonderful. You have to treat an NPD like a machine more than a person.  It's doesn't do any good to get angry at it. It does what it does. That's it. When you finally start to win the divorce, she will switch tactics and pretend that she is hurt by your 'cruel' actions and really loves you and wants to change for you. DO NOT GIVE IN TO THIS!! She is lying. Just walk away.

- Develop a support network. Find family, Christian male friends, and others you really trust to help you through this difficult time.  Anyone who can't see that she is crazy or is sympathetic to her, doesn't understand the situation and should not be in your support network. She will try to contact everyone you know to turn them against you. The flurry of emails and phone calls will be unreal. She is trying to isolate you so she can regain control.  Really lean on your support network. Some of us men want to be self-sufficient which is a good quality but we also need to see when help is required.

Well I tried to give you some of my thoughts on this.  If you have things you want to ask me in private, I think you can send me a private message in this system. I will be praying for you everyday.
God bless,
blue