this was shared with me from a friend and i thought it would fit in nicely here.
For every person with NPD, there is a back story of tragedy. It's one thing to tick off the symptoms, its another to really see the person. It's very close to sociopathy. Can also be very similar to borderline.
In my mother, it made her a very difficult person to love. She was born again, I am convinced of that. But she was broken inside. Growing up without familial love can have different affects on different people, this was how it affected her. Her family didn't consider her important, so she had to find her own importance. Her needs remained unmet, she had to learn how to make people serve her. How many hours she was locked inside a small dark closet as a little girl, I have no idea, only that it was to a point routine. Living in the shadow of her adored younger sister, I believe this was just the tip of the iceberg.
As a child she dreamed (pathologically) of the perfect family, up til she was married at 19. After she died, we found her scrapbooks, each filled to the brim with pictures cut from magazines, all of happy families, starting in her early childhood, up until she graduated high school, and then they stopped. 3 children and 4 years later, when her husband couldn't deal with her manipulations and self centeredness, he left, and what last shreds of thoses dreams that may have remained shattered.
After the violence and craziness that followed, by the time us children grew up and went our own ways, she had settled into a more manageable lifestyle, but I don't believe she every really had intimacy with anyone. It seemed that everything she did was calculated to manipulate someone into taking care of her, or was calculated to buy someone's love.
How horrible to live craving love that you can never experience! I'd like to think that there was some that actually got through. But I don't know.
As her health was deteriorating from TIA's and cancer (often the personal price for the inner anger, bitterness, and isolation), I was still rather young in the Lord. While I did my best to serve her, it was very difficult for me to actually love her. She was still a user - using whomever was near.
But as God has continued to soften my heart, and given me greater understanding, I regret that I was not able to love her more, and not able to give more to her.
NPD can make someone very difficult to love, but it's that love - true, freely given love - that they need so desparately!
I believe there is more to it than just being unregenerate. NPD is the scar tissue that grows over deep and serious wounds. And full healing may never come in this lifetime, even for those who are redeemed.
There are certain times I've experienced what I believe to be the unmistakable voice of God in my heart, and after she had become ill, it was one of these times, "She is My beloved daughter, and you will serve her." I could only obey.
After she died, God gave me the full assurance that she was with Him. In that moment between waking and dreaming, I saw her, surrounded in cloud, beautiful! And she said to me, Mark! It's so Wonderful! OK, I know, but I believe God has received her, and healed her, and given her beauty for ashes, as He does all of His broken ones.
Love in Christ,