Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?

[Redjack]

Thanks Blue for responding.
I have been wavering in my desire to face this. She has been so reasonable lately since she has caught on that I am changing. I have been trying to deny what she is to myself forever. But after I read the link that IAMOK posted to shrink4men, my mouth dropped open. She fits every detail. Sure, she isn't operating in full predator mode right now. but she has recently. I can't take her any where in fear she will acted out. She draws pleasure from humiliating me.
There are strange moments when she truly seems to care for me, except for most of the time where is shes she is seeking to destroy me.
We have 4 kids, we live in her house. I have a house, but I have excellent renters and wouldn't try to return there.
It is really good to be able to talk with someone who understands. As for christian friends? I have a couple I can think of. MY parents and even her parents support me. Saw a old friend a couple months ago. he surprised me by telling me he never calls anymore because my wife told him to stop calling. The week before God lead me to this forum, I was telling my lawyer how my wife is going to try to accuse me of abuse and fight me over the kids. She has been talking about that for years. I kept asking her why she talks this way, after all we are supposed to be married. She doesn't support me taking the kids to church and won't go to church with me as I'm such a hypocrite. I mean, how could she actual believe the crap she is saying? Not sure how far she will take it in court. She used to say I would never get the kids, Now she is happy for me to take them on weekends. I am praying for her to not go nuts. She is dependent on me of course, on disability. I believe she is capable of working since she is able to run around the state and do fun things that she wants to do.
For the longest time I have just thrown up my walls to her yelling and hounding me. I go to work, she spends everylast dime on stuff for her and the kids. Well enough about that.I'm just venting and bolstering up my courage to take this bull by the horns.
Thanks. I plan on making my move soon.

[woody25]

To All,

I have been dealing with this all of my marriage, but it's only recently that I discovered the problem. While not diagnosed, I think it's NPD. My counselor seemed to think so based on what I told him. In my humble opinion, you definitely have to set some boundaries. Unfortunately, with those boundaries also comes some emotional detachment. It's a necessary evil unless you want to ride the emotional rollercoaster that comes with it.

I think my situation is even harder because everything in her life supports this behavior. Her mother, who I also think is NPD wields way too much influence in her life. Unfortunately, they both go to an unbalanced (and I think unhealthy) Church. I planted a church last year and it's been very hard without the support of the wife because she feels no need to support me because as she said "I have my own ministry in my own church". The members of the new church plant know the situation but want me to stay because they feel they are growing in the ministry but I of course have my doubts about continuing in the role because of my family situation. Hopefully you all will keep me in prayer.

The hardest thing about my wife having this is her feeling that she does not need help. She cannot take the slightest criticism with out getting enraged. We can't even talk about the scriptures because if I point out the meaning of a passage based on the context of it, she will get angry and defensive. For example I mentioned to her a brother who I learned some things from but somehow mentioned to her that he smoked. She basically condemned the person to hell. When I tried to convince her that God's grace COVERS all or OUR sins, it was like she could not process that or even agree to disagree. I was almost pulled into the madness.

So anyone going through anything remotely similar, you have my prayers and support. I definitely need yours.

[Redjack]

Well after asking for us to go to counseling together and getting turned down. I tried to reason with her about other financial issues. The only option is her way or move out. I said I was moving and and declared I was going to divorce her. I called her parents for witnesses. She went crazy and smashed my computer as I wanted to take it with me.
I left.
Amazingly she has let me see the children.
Apparently she is changing the locks on the house and won't let me retrieve any of my belongings. I find that frustrating. My son tells me she is wanting to catalog all my belongings and is specifically searching for some dirt to fight me in court with. I don't get it. I just want to be free from her and to provide a new house of peace and quiet for me and the children. She is raging and gearing up for a prolonged and bloody battle.
I ask for peace, she says I am harassing her. The belongings I am asking for are from before I was married. I only have a few items and clothes, living with my parents. :)
Wow, she fits the Narcissist role exactly.
Prayers thankfully accepted,
 

[clearblue03]

Hi Redjack,
Yep. Looks like her actions are classic NPD. Sorry this is happening to you and your children. I went through a similar process with my ex-wife so I know how hard it can be.  You wife actually can't change the locks and restrict you from the house. You are a legal resident of the house and you have the right to enter and take your belongings.  Simply call the police and tell them that your wife has locked you out of the house and you need a police escort to enter the house. If the police refuse tell them you have reason to believe she is violent (smashed your computer) and fear for your safety. With the police there, she will be on her best behavior.  I know this sounds mean or like an over-reaction but trust me, it's the only way to deal with NPDs. 
Feel free to message me if you need to talk.
God bless,
blue

[DaveW]

I'm unfamiliar with this " NPD " (we have labelled at least a score of "disorders" that weren't even heard of 50 years ago.) But to be obsessed with self is simply not consistent with the fruit of the Holy Spirit and this truth suggests that your wife may not be regenerated by the Spirit of God. There is, of course, the possibility of backsliding on her part. But if she has never displayed a genuine love (especially toward the brethren cf. 1 John 2:10,11 ; 3:14), by virtue of wanting to be helpful and kind to others, she probably has never experienced the love of God shed abroad in her heart as per Rom. 5:5.

It could be a lack of growing up (properly submitting to Jesus as LORD) or it could be something else.

Have any of you men been to someone with a proven gifting of Discerning of Spirits to make sure it is not a case of demonic attachment?

[epiphanius]

Amazingly she has let me see the children.

Redjack,

Isn't it great that God is allowing you this blessing amidst all these sorrows?

May the love of God see you through this time of trial, and afterwards bring you to a place of peace and refreshment.

[Redjack]

Yes clearblue03,

 I have no doubt at all what she is now. I was lead to this forum and then this thread by God and everything fell into place. I can predict her actions and have not been deceived by her attempts to lure me back. She has not wavered from the narcissistic description. She was threatening me in texts today, furious about money. Never, ever, has she admitted to any fault in our marriage. She sends me texts claiming to love me but when I pick up my children from her house she flies into a rage if I ask for my belongings back. She started screaming "IT's mine! all mine!" when I asked to get a spray can of paint from the garage for my kids pinewood derby car. I had to flee the house as she started getting physical with me. I will not try to get my stuff back without a court order as the confrontation is just not worth the pain and physical illness and emotional turmoil I experience when we clash.

I have temporary custody and visitation rights until February 29th. We go to mediation then. I had to get a emergency triage court order as she started keeping the kids from me. She actually thought she could take the court on and only succeeded in angering the Judge. Fortunately the Judge has seen this before as he focused in on her and when she started lying he called her on it.
 The real fight is ahead. She is making accusations against me of course and is going to fight me over every last belonging and every dime.
I absolutely have to provide a home of peace for my three children. Her house is chaos. She is abrasive and aggressive. Since I left in October my life is such peace and quiet. I have been truly blessed of God. The children are torn of course. My 3 year old daughter says things like I have been mean to mommy and took all her money and mommy is going to find her a new daddy. MY 7 year old son and thirteen old son are under pressure from her as she beats males down mentally. My daughters she grooms to become like herself. Yet, she lavishes gift on the children and is spending money she does not have hand over fist. She is headed to implode at some point.

[Redjack]

Hi DaveW,

I do not doubt it is demonic. NPD appears to be the very description of evil. Now do I think she is influenced? possessed? I can not say. What is amazing is I can read her personality profile on the web. Narcissistic personality disorder. She even says the same phrases, sentences, and words that these people use to threaten and bully. It is the same spirit behind the scene. What ever the problem is it is growing worse. I had been feeling my life was in danger. My sister who lives several states away and did not know what was going on in my life, had told our mother that she had been having dreams of me being in eminent danger of my life. I fled.
 The situation is very deceptive. One moment she is all smiles and seductive, then she explodes into a screaming rage. She is calculating and without empathy for me. Yet I believe she loves the children... ? The answer is prayer.

[Redjack]

Thanks epiphanius,

Yes God slapped me out of the illusion of helplessness. He will thresh my life over the next year. I know I will prevail in this conflict because He is with me.
I will be a better parent then I was before. I have grown closer to the Lord.
I ask all for prayer and guidance.
Thanks

[JohnDB70X7]

  We must also be careful not to misdiagnose this in our own spouse.

For example, a woman who insists on being the primary concern of her husband is not being narcissistic but rather biblically wise. We guys (especially early in the marriage) want to go out with the boys and she is not onboard with it and we react like she's a narcissist and a killjoy.

If you wanted to run with the boys... you didn't need to commit to starting a family.

Don't get me wrong... the fashion industry, the cosmetics industry, and the cosmetic surgery industry all exist as testimony to the narcissistic world we live in (both genders) in the hundreds of billions of dollars annually... in America.

Dare I bloody some toes here?

The nice car, new computer, ipad, smart phone... sports package on the dish...

"You ain't preachin'! You's meddlin'!"

I know

I know...

The OP may have a legit case here, so I am not saying he doesn't... but I suggest he make a list of his narcissisms / indulgences and dock the equivalent from the list he's keeping of hers (yes, there's a list, it may be mental, but there's a list)... now take off some that are not so much narcissism on her account but rather centered around making a good home for you and your family to live in...

Is the list pretty small now?

If not, consider also that we live in a narcissistic society and women have been pushed into ever more traditionally male roles and they deal with it as best they can with a feminine nature and it sometimes comes across as being stuck on themselves.

How's the list doing now?

Yeah yeah it's a traditional gathering point for us guys to crab on and on about how unreasonable our wives are... but most of us have it better than we think.

Oh, and bear in mind that women are very insecure.

If we lavish today on our wives the attention and compliments etc like we did in the beginning when we were trying to get the ring on her finger... you'd be amazed how un-narcissitic she would be!

[Redjack]

We must also be careful not to misdiagnose this in our own spouse.

For example, a woman who insists on being the primary concern of her husband is not being narcissistic but rather biblically wise. We guys (especially early in the marriage) want to go out with the boys and she is not onboard with it and we react like she's a narcissist and a killjoy.

If you wanted to run with the boys... you didn't need to commit to starting a family.

Don't get me wrong... the fashion industry, the cosmetics industry, and the cosmetic surgery industry all exist as testimony to the narcissistic world we live in (both genders) in the hundreds of billions of dollars annually... in America.

Dare I bloody some toes here?

The nice car, new computer, ipad, smart phone... sports package on the dish...

"You ain't preachin'! You's meddlin'!"

I know

I know...

The OP may have a legit case here, so I am not saying he doesn't... but I suggest he make a list of his narcissisms / indulgences and dock the equivalent from the list he's keeping of hers (yes, there's a list, it may be mental, but there's a list)... now take off some that are not so much narcissism on her account but rather centered around making a good home for you and your family to live in...

Is the list pretty small now?

If not, consider also that we live in a narcissistic society and women have been pushed into ever more traditionally male roles and they deal with it as best they can with a feminine nature and it sometimes comes across as being stuck on themselves.

How's the list doing now?

Yeah yeah it's a traditional gathering point for us guys to crab on and on about how unreasonable our wives are... but most of us have it better than we think.

Oh, and bear in mind that women are very insecure.

If we lavish today on our wives the attention and compliments etc like we did in the beginning when we were trying to get the ring on her finger... you'd be amazed how un-narcissitic she would be!

I'm sure you are just playing the devils advocate, but NPD is much much more then what you are describing.
No, women are wonderful. Nothing like a NPD.
It may be hard to explain to a person who has not suffered the manipulations and sociopathic behavior of true Narcissistic personality disordered predator.
Personalty, my diagnosis of my disordered wife has been confirmed to me by our marriage counselor and our family doctor on a professional level. Friends pull me aside and and say they don't know why I put up with her behavior as long as I have. I have no doubt. You know the truth when it hits you over the head. Thank you Lord Jesus!
I have had 9 years of marriage to think it over, examine and reexamine. The best option is leave and create a household where my children can experience peace and order part of the time and choose for themselves their future. Not screaming, chaos, manipulation, emotional abuse, extravagant spending, selfishness, hoarding behavior and deception on every level.
Believe it or not I still care for her. I just know how to handle her and she has lost her power over me.
I forgive my wife and wish she was OK, but I must be on guard against her ways.
Yes, I am a flawed too. But I can provide a better life for my sons and daughter, single at this point in time.

[psalm22]

      My prayers to all of you who are suffering through this.  I am on the recovering end myself of  a badly broken relationship and dealing with a former wife who is much like what has been described here.

John,   
     I understand your feelings about the children and staying for them or not wanting to hurt them.  Ask yourself one simple question.  What kind of relationship are you and your wife modeling for them right now?  What you show them today, you will become tomorrow.

Redjack,
      It may be past the point of relevant but It sounds to me like she has more going on than NPD.  The overly watchful or extremely suspicious controlling behaviors you mentioned earlier are indicative of something else.  If she were only dealing with NPD your behavior or what you were doing would not really even be on her radar.  Anyway,  I am glad you are moving in the right direction.  There is healing and there is hope.  Feel free to reach out to me anytime.  John, that goes for you too.

JohnDB,
      You are correct to say that this is not something anyone should try to self diagnose.  However,  NPD has little to do with materialisim.  Someone with NPD is the ultimate in egocentricity.  They are the center of their universe and beleive they have the right to be the center of anyone elses.  In mild cases they are able to justify any action or behavior on their part as correct.  In extreme cases, as with a friend of mine, they are absolutely remorseless.  They do not belive there should be any negative consequense for their actions.
       This is extremely dangerous in the extremely religious as they consider their actions and decisions backed by divine mandate.  Yes,  Jim Jones was a classic example of extreme NPD.  NPD or sypmtoms of severe NPD are one of the defining traits of serial killers. 
        The ultimate expression of NPD is Lucifer himself.  The possibility of demonic influence or possesion should be taken seriously.

Anyone else,
        NPD is still considered rare but it is very real and can be dangerous when other documented psycosis are present.  It is very different from being in a relationship with someone who is OCD controlling, overbearing or simply a nagging hen.  In any case, someone earlier very wisely recommended setting boundries.  It is vital in anycase but nearly the only way to get through to someone who is affected by NPD.  You must avoid being critical or appearing judgemental of the other person.  Instead keep the focus on communicating from you.  How does it make YOU feel.  What do YOU expect.  What is crossing the line for YOU.  You must be strong.  Strong in God and strong in LOVE.  Keep your compassion and forgiveness in the front of your heart but stand strong on your convictions.

[Redjack]

 I now realize my wife is not 100% NPD she is a blend of Narcissist and Borderline personality disorder.
And who knows what else?
This is based on the opinion of the marriage/family therapist and our family doctor who both know her.
She would never submit to being diagnosed as she can not tolerate any counseling at all. She can never, ever accept
any blame for any mistake. Impossible for her to accept fault. She will explode into rage or pseudo tears(if it can manipulate the situation in her favor) to change the direction of the conversation.
She has definitely deteriorated since we married. My divorce should be completed in June, except she is doing all she can to delay it.
She is focused on plundering my assets as much as possible. The average person can not grasp how entitled these people believe they are, their goal is to win and control.
It's diabolical.
I look forward to moving beyond this stage of healing and to begin to rebuild my life. My relationship with my children has never been better. In fact much improved as she was always trying to undermine my authority in the household and to diminish me in the children's eyes. I can now be a parent!

[psalm22]

I understand how you feel Redjack.  Her persistant delay falls back to her not being able to grasp that someone would our could divorce her.  Sorry about the raid on your assets.  Unfortuately most of my assesets were already gone by the time I filed.  Of course she wanted half my 401 (k) but when I said Ok but then she would take half the communal debt her lawyer told her to give it up.

I am so glad to hear that you feel like a parent again.  My role as a father and my relationship with my boys has really blossomed in the last year.  I am thankful.

[masondog]

Just came from the Bossy wife post. Now this. Never heard of NPD . I just thought I hadn't discovered the secret to making her happy. I have been to Men's breakfasts, Mens bible studies for how to be man, Max men , etc.. I am getting the message that I am reaping something that I sowed because of my ignorance of not sowing everything I should have been sowing.
   Here is one from the pulpit. " Treat your wife like a queen and she will treat you like a king."  That is so screwed up. It should just read "Treat your wife like a queen for no other reason than God asks you to."