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Author Topic: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?  (Read 21958 times)

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Offline IAMOK

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Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« on: Fri Apr 29, 2011 - 23:10:40 »
Just gonna throw that out there to see if there is any interest. Seems to be on the rise today. Plus I think My spouse qualifies.
I said think because my mind is kinda putty from all the abuse and confusion and control...I will comment further after some replies..
Thanks
!amok.

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Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« on: Fri Apr 29, 2011 - 23:10:40 »

larry2

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #1 on: Fri Apr 29, 2011 - 23:41:50 »

I think you're talking about narcissistic personality disorder, and there is much online information about it.

I hope you find the answer because it sounds to be very destructive to the individual and the family.

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #1 on: Fri Apr 29, 2011 - 23:41:50 »

Offline IAMOK

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #2 on: Sat Apr 30, 2011 - 15:04:44 »
You are correct. Really hard to deal with and stay sane. I have read and researched over the top on this. Whats the hardest thing is the your all wrong I'm all right attitude. Esp with a person who claims to be Christian..

larry2

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #3 on: Sat Apr 30, 2011 - 15:40:09 »

My experience with mental illness is that a Christian can suffer all the sickness that a non-believer can. I might ask if she is receiving professional counseling, and has she been diagnosed and being medically treated?

There's so many things that affect a person and many times there is stimulus creating the problem if she hasn't suffered with it all her life. For instance a dear friend's wife began having panic attacks, fearing for her life, afraid to go into public, etc. for over two years I believe. He took her to every doctor he could, and finally one found that she was suffering from mercury poisoning due to fillings in her teeth I think it was,

This might sound trivial under the circumstances, but I have links posted to a marriage seminar at the following link. Each link is approximately two pages and you may discover a great deal of insight as to what is happening in your marriage if she does not have NPD..

http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/marriage-seminar-links/

God bless you in Jesus' name.
 

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #3 on: Sat Apr 30, 2011 - 15:40:09 »

Offline IAMOK

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #4 on: Sat Apr 30, 2011 - 23:03:14 »
Been to many counselors and she's a smooth talker so basically no she won't admit anything so her getting help has been hard.
Seems to be worse around pms time and alcohol helps her calm down some. I'm pretty much useless as the man of the house as she does what she wants.. Feeling entitled and all that. When I try to lead she tells me I'm just wrong so to keep the peace I keep those times to a minimum. It goes in cycles it seems. I deal with it well..The verbal abuse is horrendous. Tries to change everything about me.
Thanks for the links but she would disagree with your stance. I think you are right on. I have had lots of that. If the counselors around here had a clue I'm sure they could help her but they are terrible..Just pray with her they say..I do and she laughs at me. Problem is we don't believe in the same bible it seems. I do what it says she does how she feels and says "nobody's perfect" Its like living with satan at times..
This is the best description I've seen..
http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/21/relationships-with-borderline-narcissistic-personality-women/

Thanks
« Last Edit: Sun May 01, 2011 - 00:05:54 by IAMOK »

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #4 on: Sat Apr 30, 2011 - 23:03:14 »



Offline zoonance

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #5 on: Sun May 01, 2011 - 08:19:13 »
I looked it up. Sounds like every kid.   I suppose we are supposed to grow out of this!

Narcissistic personality disorder

Last reviewed: November 14, 2010.

Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition in which people have an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with themselves.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The causes of this disorder are unknown. An overly sensitive personality and parenting problems may affect the development of this disorder.

Symptoms

A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:

React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation

Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals

Have excessive feelings of self-importance

Exaggerate achievements and talents

Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love

Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment

Need constant attention and admiration

Disregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy

Have obsessive self-interest

Pursue mainly selfish goals

Signs and tests

Like other personality disorders, narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed based on a psychological evaluation and the history and severity of the symptoms.

Treatment

Psychotherapy (for example, talk therapy) may help the affected person relate to other people in a more positive and compassionate way.

Expectations (prognosis)

The outcome depends on the severity of the disorder.

Complications

Alcohol or other drug dependence

Relationship, work, and family problems

References

Blais MA, Smallwood P, Groves JE, Rivas-Vazquez RA. Personality and personality disorders. In: Stern TA, Rosenbaum JF, Fava M, Biederman J, Rauch SL, eds. Massachusetts General Hospital Clinical Psychiatry. 1st ed. Philadellphia, Pa: Mosby Elsevier;2008:chap 39.
Review Date: 11/14/2010.

Reviewed by: Linda Vorvick, MD, Medical Director, MEDEX Northwest Division of Physician Assistant Studies, University of Washington School of Medicine; and David B. Merrill, MD, Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry, Department of Psychiatry, Columbia University Medical Center, New York, NY. Also reviewed by David Zieve, MD, MHA, Medical Director, A.D.A.M., Inc.



A.D.A.M., Disclaimer
Copyright © 2011, A.D.A.M., Inc.

Offline IAMOK

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #6 on: Sun May 01, 2011 - 11:26:53 »
Exactly.!!!!.I have heard it said: "Do you feel that you are living with the most immature person on the planet"? Or "Has she remade you yet"

Offline FOHdude

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #7 on: Sun Jun 05, 2011 - 07:48:31 »
This is so relieving and so sad for me at the same time.  I have been living in hell with a wife with these symptoms for 20 years, have 4 kids, great house, great job, and I can never do anything right.  All these years I thought it was me, but with the help and encouragement of strong Christian men, got honest with my wife a few months ago, and it crushed her.  I thought it was BPD, but just recently  read about NPD and I really think it is that.  I have been going to a counselor to get my self healthy, learn to set boundaries and that has worked.  We have been going to see a counselor together but we have hit a roadblock.  She refused to forgive me for things (not huge things) that happened 15 years ago. ( I shared details about our difficult marriage with a woman without her permission- it was wrong and I apologized, about 10 times)  She does not trust me in anything, so we have a cordial business relationship.  I have never been physically unfaithful, never have hid money or any thing else.  I have given her grace and forgiveness for the abuse she has, and continues to give me for the past 20years and am ready to move on, start new, rebuild. She is not. Wont let me touch her.  Havent had sex since last fall, and now temptation is everywhere, its killing me.   I told her to leave if I'm really that bad, I am prepared for that.  My counselor has told me not to expect her to change, that it will get much worse, and if I divorce, it will be an absolute nightmare for me and the kids, not to mention a financial disaster...I make good money.  How did it get this way?  Bottomline- I was a Christian when we got married but lets say not practicing. I was getting laid, the sex was great, she was fun, so WTF lets get married.  After we were married it started changing, I started agreeing I was the screwup...after all the sex was great.  20 years later I'm a shell of a man, letting her abuse me all the time.  So I guess I wait till all the kids are out of highschool then ditch her?  Thats a LONG time a way.

Offline JohnDB

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #8 on: Tue Jun 07, 2011 - 20:57:49 »
There are some other tactics...they aren't exactly...comfortable for her.

I have been through this.

Lets speak more about grace, respect and forgiveness to her with respect to the fact that you are a Christian household...

IOW

When she doesn't extend grace to anyone...including yourself you mention it to her that she needs to do better.

When she is a "fault finder" she needs to be reminded that her words are not forgiving or respectful of others efforts.

When she claims to know another's motives she is being judgmental and that is forbidden to us mortals and is reserved only for Jesus.

And a reminder that we are forgiven much...and as such need to be forgiving of others.

harp on these lessons.

and what is true is that the whole time she is doing this...know that inside she is feeling rather insignificant...and small...and that she doesn't measure up....so reassure her that you do love her for her fine qualities of her taking care of you and the family and the diligence she shows in that regard.

in the meantime...

while she is trying to fix herself...something every narcissist believes they can do...

When she eats nasty food and yet claims it is gourmet...ignore her
When she does no chores around the house in protest and claims with a false intention that she needed the rest...act like you believe her.
When she claims that she physically isn't up for physical intimacy tell her that you two need to see a physical doctor to find out the reason and that you will spare no expense of getting her tested with all kinds of blood tests and pap smears and pelvic exams to find out the cause.

And follow through with it even when she claims that it will be better in a couple of days. Tell her it doesn't matter and that its been too long and that she surely needs medical attention.

ON the plus side...

Your success at your career is partly her fault...when the only positive reaction has been from your employers for your labors...well...you tend to do better at work. And so you have been giving your job a lot of attention...and hence the raises and promotions.

BUT

And where I know you are hurting...the hell you feel is nothing compared to what your children are feeling...their own self loathing and feelings of worthlessness as they grow up.   You need to do what you can to counteract that with lots of "Good Job!" and "I am proud of you"


Offline Wycliffes_Shillelagh

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #9 on: Wed Jun 08, 2011 - 20:23:11 »
Hey!  There's a scientific name for what my ex does now!  Excellent!  Now I can stop using all those other words for it!

Offline canuck

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #10 on: Fri Aug 19, 2011 - 17:24:24 »
You are correct. Really hard to deal with and stay sane. I have read and researched over the top on this. Whats the hardest thing is the your all wrong I'm all right attitude. Esp with a person who claims to be Christian..

Narcissism is certainly no byproduct of the process of a Christian's sanctification. The Holy Spirit begins moving the true disciple of Jesus Christ to be far less concerned with self than he/she was prior to regeneration (but certainly not disconnected from ones needs and natural desires).

The born-again believer should begin to show a distinct concern for reaching the lost with the gospel;
with the spiritual welfare of the brethren; and with the temporal needs of those who are incapable of
looking after themselves. A born again believer should not be tied to an " I'm all right, Jack" attitude. There
should be a reasonable consistency with regard to showing graciousness, temperance and care for the feelings of others, though his conduct may at times, offend cf. James 3:2.

I'm unfamiliar with this " NPD " (we have labelled at least a score of "disorders" that weren't even heard of 50 years ago.) But to be obsessed with self is simply not consistent with the fruit of the Holy Spirit and this truth suggests that your wife may not be regenerated by the Spirit of God. There is, of course, the possibility of backsliding on her part. But if she has never displayed a genuine love (especially toward the brethren cf. 1 John 2:10,11 ; 3:14), by virtue of wanting to be helpful and kind to others, she probably has never experienced the love of God shed abroad in her heart as per Rom. 5:5.

canuck

Offline IAMOK

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #11 on: Mon Aug 22, 2011 - 23:15:35 »
I agree with you! But take this example

Person has extreme low self worth which by itself clouds their worlds view. Everything is distorted and their reality isn't truth.

They have fantasies of what life is supposed to be like and how they are supposed to be treated..LSW people get that way from 

childhood or some traumatic event. When a person with LSW becomes a Christian they use Christ for their own purpose because of

the lie's inside their head. So yes the majority of people with NPD are not saved and most npd's are LSW. It goes hand in hand.

Look here! http://www.theselfesteeminstitute.com/about-self-esteem.html.

A so called Christian with NPD is a disaster. Always telling you whats wrong with you when they have no clue what they are talking about and could care less about how you feel. They also get into spiritual abuse..Most people with NPD and LSW have many fears and are judgmental and rude.

Remember nothing will change until the npd person changes..People who live close to them can exhibit PTSD over time. Same thing as our guy's in war.

If anyone needs info please PM me as I have done my homework..  Praying is what I do! Its the only thing.

One more thing. Chances are if you go to counseling you may get beat up more..NPD's tell a good story. And they believe it.

IAMOK

Offline clearblue03

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #12 on: Wed Sep 07, 2011 - 00:20:56 »
I have an NPD wife. Feel free to PM me.  I've experienced the manipulation and lies first hand.

Offline Redjack

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #13 on: Tue Oct 04, 2011 - 01:38:56 »
I have been struggling with this for nine years of marragie, I have just stumbled across this forum and after reading it realised this is what is going on in my marrage. MY wife is very controlling. I am nervous that she will find this post as it is. At least her video monitors that used to watch me around the house have all had accedients. I am despreate to escape. MY family and friends at work are encouraging me on. This summer she was creating a situation when we had a air conditionaire company giving bids on our house. She wouldnt let me talk and would curse at me and tell me to shut up if I wanted to ask questions about the product. She stuck her hand in my face and waved it around till I swatted it away. She then started saying I hit her and was trying to get the saleman to testify for her in court. He looked scared and got out quickly. She got her way and a new 12000 dollar air conditioner was installed. She has called police to the house in the past accusing me of abuse. The cops didnt buy her story.  She wants more done to the house that I do not agree on. She makes it clear, she deserves this, its for the kids, I can move out if I want but I will be paying for it no matter what. I feel helpless as she will get her way. WE are at a desperate time as she is pushing ahead and I need to get out and provide the kids a place to stay part of their lives where they can see normal people and relationships. MY parents have opened their home to me and the kids. BUt I am struggling to get the courage to do this. I do not hate her and I want her to be and do well. I have had my mind on work and the world. I am attempting to get my thoughts wrapped around Jesus again. As I am accumulating my funds now and I have a lawyer lined up. I expect the worse from this divourse.
All tips, words of encouragement, prayers are very much welcome.
 ::help::thanks.
John

Offline clearblue03

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #14 on: Thu Oct 06, 2011 - 04:10:51 »
Sorry to hear that John.  I know what you are going through because I went through the same thing. From the information you have provided, it looks like a pretty classic NPD case. While I don't advocate divorce, there is really no other option with an NPD. They will never humble themselves to God. They will never even admit they have a problem. The narcissism keeps them from ever changing their behavior. As a Christian man, you are head of your household. All decisions must go through you unless you have given you wife authority to make those decisions. By attempting to usurp your authority, she has violated the marriage covenant.  The only thing you can go is to put her out of your household.  The current society does not permit you to punish her or have her shunned by the community.
Don't lose hope!! You can get through this! But, you must fight her. That's right. It's going to be a fight.

What to do before the divorce:
- Document her insane behavior.  Gather police reports, emails she has written with threats of violence or suicide. Get witness' statements in writing. Get a list of people's names (like the Air Conditioner sales person) you can subpena into court. Put cameras in your home to record her tantrums.  You need proof in court. NPDs are very good at 'acting' and twisting the truth in court. They will try to paint you as the bad person. FIGHT BACK! Don't let her beat you down! Get as much proof as you can.

- Create a safe space. Either move in with family or rent an apartment. NEVER tell her where your safe place is. Gather all personal items and sensitive financial material and secretly move it to the safe location.  When she blows up next time, she might just destroy your most cherished possessions.  Or she might post your Social security number on the internet. STOP DIRECT DEPOSIT of your paychecks. Collect as much cash as possible so you are sure to have something to live on.  ALL TRUST OF HER SHOULD BE AT ABSOLUTE ZERO.

- Fight the war. Sorry to say but you are already in a war.  Being compassionate to her will not change her heart one iota. In practice you have to be prepared to capitalize on her mistakes. If she strikes you and draws blood, call the police and go to a neighbor's house immediately.  Have pictures taken.  If she threatens suicide (manipulation tactic), call the police and tell them your wife is trying to kill herself.  DO NOT SHARE PERSONAL INFORMATION WITH HER.  Do not tell her how you are feeling or what your priorities are.  She will remember and use all information against you in a court of law.  For example, do not say, "Honey, I won free courtside tickets for the Lakers game on Thursday. I've never been courtside. This will be great!".  This is what she will say in court, "Your Honor, my husband bought these expensive courtside basketball game tickets while we didn't have enough money to get our children braces.  Please see exhibit CL which is a photocopy of the tickets and a note from the dentist stating that the children needed braces."  Only make small talk and never give real information.  Do not throw receipts in the garbage. She will search the garbage and your pockets every night.  Pay cash for as much as possible. Starve her for any information without being obvious.

- Get an alibi: When she is served with the divorce papers she will go absolutely ballistic... even if she knows the divorce is coming. Be in a safe location with witnesses.


-What to do during the divorce:

- Stand your ground. Be a man. She will say the most horrid evil things about you in court. There will be members of the public in the room and all will be recorded by the court recorder. Remember that God knows the truth and his opinion is the only one that matters.  Never engage her in court or anywhere else in a shouting match.  Just turn your thoughts to other things. In my divorce, my ex-wife starting talking about our bedroom activities in a very graphic manner. I told her to shut her filthy mouth in open court and she suddenly got a smile on her face.  She got me.  If the NPD can make you angry then she has control over you and it's makes her feel wonderful. You have to treat an NPD like a machine more than a person.  It's doesn't do any good to get angry at it. It does what it does. That's it. When you finally start to win the divorce, she will switch tactics and pretend that she is hurt by your 'cruel' actions and really loves you and wants to change for you. DO NOT GIVE IN TO THIS!! She is lying. Just walk away.

- Develop a support network. Find family, Christian male friends, and others you really trust to help you through this difficult time.  Anyone who can't see that she is crazy or is sympathetic to her, doesn't understand the situation and should not be in your support network. She will try to contact everyone you know to turn them against you. The flurry of emails and phone calls will be unreal. She is trying to isolate you so she can regain control.  Really lean on your support network. Some of us men want to be self-sufficient which is a good quality but we also need to see when help is required.

Well I tried to give you some of my thoughts on this.  If you have things you want to ask me in private, I think you can send me a private message in this system. I will be praying for you everyday.
God bless,
blue




Offline Redjack

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #15 on: Fri Oct 07, 2011 - 00:43:38 »
Thanks Blue for responding.
I have been wavering in my desire to face this. She has been so reasonable lately since she has caught on that I am changing. I have been trying to deny what she is to myself forever. But after I read the link that IAMOK posted to shrink4men, my mouth dropped open. She fits every detail. Sure, she isn't operating in full predator mode right now. but she has recently. I can't take her any where in fear she will acted out. She draws pleasure from humiliating me.
There are strange moments when she truly seems to care for me, except for most of the time where is shes she is seeking to destroy me.
We have 4 kids, we live in her house. I have a house, but I have excellent renters and wouldn't try to return there.
It is really good to be able to talk with someone who understands. As for christian friends? I have a couple I can think of. MY parents and even her parents support me. Saw a old friend a couple months ago. he surprised me by telling me he never calls anymore because my wife told him to stop calling. The week before God lead me to this forum, I was telling my lawyer how my wife is going to try to accuse me of abuse and fight me over the kids. She has been talking about that for years. I kept asking her why she talks this way, after all we are supposed to be married. She doesn't support me taking the kids to church and won't go to church with me as I'm such a hypocrite. I mean, how could she actual believe the crap she is saying? Not sure how far she will take it in court. She used to say I would never get the kids, Now she is happy for me to take them on weekends. I am praying for her to not go nuts. She is dependent on me of course, on disability. I believe she is capable of working since she is able to run around the state and do fun things that she wants to do.
For the longest time I have just thrown up my walls to her yelling and hounding me. I go to work, she spends everylast dime on stuff for her and the kids. Well enough about that.I'm just venting and bolstering up my courage to take this bull by the horns.
Thanks. I plan on making my move soon.

Offline woody25

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #16 on: Mon Oct 17, 2011 - 12:46:53 »
To All,

I have been dealing with this all of my marriage, but it's only recently that I discovered the problem. While not diagnosed, I think it's NPD. My counselor seemed to think so based on what I told him. In my humble opinion, you definitely have to set some boundaries. Unfortunately, with those boundaries also comes some emotional detachment. It's a necessary evil unless you want to ride the emotional rollercoaster that comes with it.

I think my situation is even harder because everything in her life supports this behavior. Her mother, who I also think is NPD wields way too much influence in her life. Unfortunately, they both go to an unbalanced (and I think unhealthy) Church. I planted a church last year and it's been very hard without the support of the wife because she feels no need to support me because as she said "I have my own ministry in my own church". The members of the new church plant know the situation but want me to stay because they feel they are growing in the ministry but I of course have my doubts about continuing in the role because of my family situation. Hopefully you all will keep me in prayer.

The hardest thing about my wife having this is her feeling that she does not need help. She cannot take the slightest criticism with out getting enraged. We can't even talk about the scriptures because if I point out the meaning of a passage based on the context of it, she will get angry and defensive. For example I mentioned to her a brother who I learned some things from but somehow mentioned to her that he smoked. She basically condemned the person to hell. When I tried to convince her that God's grace COVERS all or OUR sins, it was like she could not process that or even agree to disagree. I was almost pulled into the madness.

So anyone going through anything remotely similar, you have my prayers and support. I definitely need yours.

Offline Redjack

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #17 on: Fri Oct 21, 2011 - 01:02:45 »
Well after asking for us to go to counseling together and getting turned down. I tried to reason with her about other financial issues. The only option is her way or move out. I said I was moving and and declared I was going to divorce her. I called her parents for witnesses. She went crazy and smashed my computer as I wanted to take it with me.
I left.
Amazingly she has let me see the children.
Apparently she is changing the locks on the house and won't let me retrieve any of my belongings. I find that frustrating. My son tells me she is wanting to catalog all my belongings and is specifically searching for some dirt to fight me in court with. I don't get it. I just want to be free from her and to provide a new house of peace and quiet for me and the children. She is raging and gearing up for a prolonged and bloody battle.
I ask for peace, she says I am harassing her. The belongings I am asking for are from before I was married. I only have a few items and clothes, living with my parents. :)
Wow, she fits the Narcissist role exactly.
Prayers thankfully accepted,
 

Offline clearblue03

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #18 on: Mon Jan 16, 2012 - 02:28:51 »
Hi Redjack,
Yep. Looks like her actions are classic NPD. Sorry this is happening to you and your children. I went through a similar process with my ex-wife so I know how hard it can be.  You wife actually can't change the locks and restrict you from the house. You are a legal resident of the house and you have the right to enter and take your belongings.  Simply call the police and tell them that your wife has locked you out of the house and you need a police escort to enter the house. If the police refuse tell them you have reason to believe she is violent (smashed your computer) and fear for your safety. With the police there, she will be on her best behavior.  I know this sounds mean or like an over-reaction but trust me, it's the only way to deal with NPDs. 
Feel free to message me if you need to talk.
God bless,
blue

Offline DaveW

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #19 on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 10:56:06 »
I'm unfamiliar with this " NPD " (we have labelled at least a score of "disorders" that weren't even heard of 50 years ago.) But to be obsessed with self is simply not consistent with the fruit of the Holy Spirit and this truth suggests that your wife may not be regenerated by the Spirit of God. There is, of course, the possibility of backsliding on her part. But if she has never displayed a genuine love (especially toward the brethren cf. 1 John 2:10,11 ; 3:14), by virtue of wanting to be helpful and kind to others, she probably has never experienced the love of God shed abroad in her heart as per Rom. 5:5.
It could be a lack of growing up (properly submitting to Jesus as LORD) or it could be something else.

Have any of you men been to someone with a proven gifting of Discerning of Spirits to make sure it is not a case of demonic attachment?

Offline epiphanius

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #20 on: Tue Jan 17, 2012 - 14:56:48 »
Amazingly she has let me see the children.

Redjack,

Isn't it great that God is allowing you this blessing amidst all these sorrows?

May the love of God see you through this time of trial, and afterwards bring you to a place of peace and refreshment.


Offline Redjack

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #21 on: Wed Jan 18, 2012 - 01:18:56 »
Yes clearblue03,

 I have no doubt at all what she is now. I was lead to this forum and then this thread by God and everything fell into place. I can predict her actions and have not been deceived by her attempts to lure me back. She has not wavered from the narcissistic description. She was threatening me in texts today, furious about money. Never, ever, has she admitted to any fault in our marriage. She sends me texts claiming to love me but when I pick up my children from her house she flies into a rage if I ask for my belongings back. She started screaming "IT's mine! all mine!" when I asked to get a spray can of paint from the garage for my kids pinewood derby car. I had to flee the house as she started getting physical with me. I will not try to get my stuff back without a court order as the confrontation is just not worth the pain and physical illness and emotional turmoil I experience when we clash.

I have temporary custody and visitation rights until February 29th. We go to mediation then. I had to get a emergency triage court order as she started keeping the kids from me. She actually thought she could take the court on and only succeeded in angering the Judge. Fortunately the Judge has seen this before as he focused in on her and when she started lying he called her on it.
 The real fight is ahead. She is making accusations against me of course and is going to fight me over every last belonging and every dime.
I absolutely have to provide a home of peace for my three children. Her house is chaos. She is abrasive and aggressive. Since I left in October my life is such peace and quiet. I have been truly blessed of God. The children are torn of course. My 3 year old daughter says things like I have been mean to mommy and took all her money and mommy is going to find her a new daddy. MY 7 year old son and thirteen old son are under pressure from her as she beats males down mentally. My daughters she grooms to become like herself. Yet, she lavishes gift on the children and is spending money she does not have hand over fist. She is headed to implode at some point.

Offline Redjack

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #22 on: Wed Jan 18, 2012 - 01:40:46 »
Hi DaveW,

I do not doubt it is demonic. NPD appears to be the very description of evil. Now do I think she is influenced? possessed? I can not say. What is amazing is I can read her personality profile on the web. Narcissistic personality disorder. She even says the same phrases, sentences, and words that these people use to threaten and bully. It is the same spirit behind the scene. What ever the problem is it is growing worse. I had been feeling my life was in danger. My sister who lives several states away and did not know what was going on in my life, had told our mother that she had been having dreams of me being in eminent danger of my life. I fled.
 The situation is very deceptive. One moment she is all smiles and seductive, then she explodes into a screaming rage. She is calculating and without empathy for me. Yet I believe she loves the children... ? The answer is prayer.

Offline Redjack

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #23 on: Wed Jan 18, 2012 - 01:49:02 »
Thanks epiphanius,

Yes God slapped me out of the illusion of helplessness. He will thresh my life over the next year. I know I will prevail in this conflict because He is with me.
I will be a better parent then I was before. I have grown closer to the Lord.
I ask all for prayer and guidance.
Thanks

Offline JohnDB70X7

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #24 on: Tue Mar 20, 2012 - 21:59:21 »
 ::announcment:: We must also be careful not to misdiagnose this in our own spouse.

For example, a woman who insists on being the primary concern of her husband is not being narcissistic but rather biblically wise. We guys (especially early in the marriage) want to go out with the boys and she is not onboard with it and we react like she's a narcissist and a killjoy.

If you wanted to run with the boys... you didn't need to commit to starting a family.

Don't get me wrong... the fashion industry, the cosmetics industry, and the cosmetic surgery industry all exist as testimony to the narcissistic world we live in (both genders) in the hundreds of billions of dollars annually... in America.

Dare I bloody some toes here?

The nice car, new computer, ipad, smart phone... sports package on the dish...

"You ain't preachin'! You's meddlin'!"

I know

I know...

The OP may have a legit case here, so I am not saying he doesn't... but I suggest he make a list of his narcissisms / indulgences and dock the equivalent from the list he's keeping of hers (yes, there's a list, it may be mental, but there's a list)... now take off some that are not so much narcissism on her account but rather centered around making a good home for you and your family to live in...

Is the list pretty small now?

If not, consider also that we live in a narcissistic society and women have been pushed into ever more traditionally male roles and they deal with it as best they can with a feminine nature and it sometimes comes across as being stuck on themselves.

How's the list doing now?

Yeah yeah it's a traditional gathering point for us guys to crab on and on about how unreasonable our wives are... but most of us have it better than we think.

Oh, and bear in mind that women are very insecure.

If we lavish today on our wives the attention and compliments etc like we did in the beginning when we were trying to get the ring on her finger... you'd be amazed how un-narcissitic she would be!

Offline Redjack

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #25 on: Wed Mar 21, 2012 - 23:57:35 »
::announcment:: We must also be careful not to misdiagnose this in our own spouse.

For example, a woman who insists on being the primary concern of her husband is not being narcissistic but rather biblically wise. We guys (especially early in the marriage) want to go out with the boys and she is not onboard with it and we react like she's a narcissist and a killjoy.

If you wanted to run with the boys... you didn't need to commit to starting a family.

Don't get me wrong... the fashion industry, the cosmetics industry, and the cosmetic surgery industry all exist as testimony to the narcissistic world we live in (both genders) in the hundreds of billions of dollars annually... in America.

Dare I bloody some toes here?

The nice car, new computer, ipad, smart phone... sports package on the dish...

"You ain't preachin'! You's meddlin'!"

I know

I know...

The OP may have a legit case here, so I am not saying he doesn't... but I suggest he make a list of his narcissisms / indulgences and dock the equivalent from the list he's keeping of hers (yes, there's a list, it may be mental, but there's a list)... now take off some that are not so much narcissism on her account but rather centered around making a good home for you and your family to live in...

Is the list pretty small now?

If not, consider also that we live in a narcissistic society and women have been pushed into ever more traditionally male roles and they deal with it as best they can with a feminine nature and it sometimes comes across as being stuck on themselves.

How's the list doing now?

Yeah yeah it's a traditional gathering point for us guys to crab on and on about how unreasonable our wives are... but most of us have it better than we think.

Oh, and bear in mind that women are very insecure.

If we lavish today on our wives the attention and compliments etc like we did in the beginning when we were trying to get the ring on her finger... you'd be amazed how un-narcissitic she would be!


I'm sure you are just playing the devils advocate, but NPD is much much more then what you are describing.
No, women are wonderful. Nothing like a NPD.
It may be hard to explain to a person who has not suffered the manipulations and sociopathic behavior of true Narcissistic personality disordered predator.
Personalty, my diagnosis of my disordered wife has been confirmed to me by our marriage counselor and our family doctor on a professional level. Friends pull me aside and and say they don't know why I put up with her behavior as long as I have. I have no doubt. You know the truth when it hits you over the head. Thank you Lord Jesus!
I have had 9 years of marriage to think it over, examine and reexamine. The best option is leave and create a household where my children can experience peace and order part of the time and choose for themselves their future. Not screaming, chaos, manipulation, emotional abuse, extravagant spending, selfishness, hoarding behavior and deception on every level.
Believe it or not I still care for her. I just know how to handle her and she has lost her power over me.
I forgive my wife and wish she was OK, but I must be on guard against her ways.
Yes, I am a flawed too. But I can provide a better life for my sons and daughter, single at this point in time.
« Last Edit: Thu Mar 22, 2012 - 01:20:19 by Redjack »

Offline psalm22

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #26 on: Mon May 21, 2012 - 18:02:55 »
      My prayers to all of you who are suffering through this.  I am on the recovering end myself of  a badly broken relationship and dealing with a former wife who is much like what has been described here.

John,   
     I understand your feelings about the children and staying for them or not wanting to hurt them.  Ask yourself one simple question.  What kind of relationship are you and your wife modeling for them right now?  What you show them today, you will become tomorrow.

Redjack,
      It may be past the point of relevant but It sounds to me like she has more going on than NPD.  The overly watchful or extremely suspicious controlling behaviors you mentioned earlier are indicative of something else.  If she were only dealing with NPD your behavior or what you were doing would not really even be on her radar.  Anyway,  I am glad you are moving in the right direction.  There is healing and there is hope.  Feel free to reach out to me anytime.  John, that goes for you too.

JohnDB,
      You are correct to say that this is not something anyone should try to self diagnose.  However,  NPD has little to do with materialisim.  Someone with NPD is the ultimate in egocentricity.  They are the center of their universe and beleive they have the right to be the center of anyone elses.  In mild cases they are able to justify any action or behavior on their part as correct.  In extreme cases, as with a friend of mine, they are absolutely remorseless.  They do not belive there should be any negative consequense for their actions.
       This is extremely dangerous in the extremely religious as they consider their actions and decisions backed by divine mandate.  Yes,  Jim Jones was a classic example of extreme NPD.  NPD or sypmtoms of severe NPD are one of the defining traits of serial killers. 
        The ultimate expression of NPD is Lucifer himself.  The possibility of demonic influence or possesion should be taken seriously.

Anyone else,
        NPD is still considered rare but it is very real and can be dangerous when other documented psycosis are present.  It is very different from being in a relationship with someone who is OCD controlling, overbearing or simply a nagging hen.  In any case, someone earlier very wisely recommended setting boundries.  It is vital in anycase but nearly the only way to get through to someone who is affected by NPD.  You must avoid being critical or appearing judgemental of the other person.  Instead keep the focus on communicating from you.  How does it make YOU feel.  What do YOU expect.  What is crossing the line for YOU.  You must be strong.  Strong in God and strong in LOVE.  Keep your compassion and forgiveness in the front of your heart but stand strong on your convictions.

Offline Redjack

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #27 on: Tue May 22, 2012 - 19:22:53 »
 I now realize my wife is not 100% NPD she is a blend of Narcissist and Borderline personality disorder.
And who knows what else?
This is based on the opinion of the marriage/family therapist and our family doctor who both know her.
She would never submit to being diagnosed as she can not tolerate any counseling at all. She can never, ever accept
any blame for any mistake. Impossible for her to accept fault. She will explode into rage or pseudo tears(if it can manipulate the situation in her favor) to change the direction of the conversation.
She has definitely deteriorated since we married. My divorce should be completed in June, except she is doing all she can to delay it.
She is focused on plundering my assets as much as possible. The average person can not grasp how entitled these people believe they are, their goal is to win and control.
It's diabolical.
I look forward to moving beyond this stage of healing and to begin to rebuild my life. My relationship with my children has never been better. In fact much improved as she was always trying to undermine my authority in the household and to diminish me in the children's eyes. I can now be a parent!
« Last Edit: Tue May 22, 2012 - 19:39:20 by Redjack »

Offline psalm22

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #28 on: Thu Jun 07, 2012 - 13:27:22 »
I understand how you feel Redjack.  Her persistant delay falls back to her not being able to grasp that someone would our could divorce her.  Sorry about the raid on your assets.  Unfortuately most of my assesets were already gone by the time I filed.  Of course she wanted half my 401 (k) but when I said Ok but then she would take half the communal debt her lawyer told her to give it up.

I am so glad to hear that you feel like a parent again.  My role as a father and my relationship with my boys has really blossomed in the last year.  I am thankful.

Offline masondog

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #29 on: Fri Jun 08, 2012 - 08:12:39 »
Just came from the Bossy wife post. Now this. Never heard of NPD . I just thought I hadn't discovered the secret to making her happy. I have been to Men's breakfasts, Mens bible studies for how to be man, Max men , etc.. I am getting the message that I am reaping something that I sowed because of my ignorance of not sowing everything I should have been sowing.
   Here is one from the pulpit. " Treat your wife like a queen and she will treat you like a king."  That is so screwed up. It should just read "Treat your wife like a queen for no other reason than God asks you to."   

Offline psalm22

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #30 on: Fri Jun 08, 2012 - 11:52:58 »
I often said that I wear the pants in my family but she tells me which pair to put on... 

     I think our culture today has a sincere issue.  The past number of decades have seen so much focus on empowering women.  OK girls, before you get all bent out of shape, I am not saying it is all bad.  The by product of that, I believe, has been a near systematic emasculation of the male of the species.  In most cases we have no one to blame but ourselves.
     In the worst cases, we see where some women feel so empowered and entitled in a relationship that it blurs traditional roles in the family.  It is a swinging pendulum for sure.  Gone are the days when a man ruled the household with an Iron fist or the wife had no rights to speak out, own property and make legal decisions or transactions on behalf of the household.  Gone are the days when an ill behaved wife faced unconscionable repercussions up to and including death.
      Believe me,  I am not lamenting the loss of the ability to beat my wife when she gets out of line.  However,  we have allowed the pendulum to swing too far in the other direction and we have given up the authority that God has granted us over our household.  I see so many posts from men who are frustrated because of wives bad behavior.  I challenge anyone in that situation to look back and see how or when YOU gave up your authority.  Not pointing fingers, mind you, look at it as commiseration.

      What do you do about it?  I think the answer is different for everyone.  I am always a fan of love in all things.  Forgiveness, love, prayer and and honest effort on both parts is imperative to maintain any healthy marriage or repair a broken one.  One thing I will say, love and forgiveness do not translate to tolerance.  You would not tolerate inappropriate or ungodly behavior from your child and you should not tolerate it from your spouse, man or wife.

      Men, you are granted authority by God.  With it comes many admonitions and responsibility.  If your wife shares your faith then there should be little argument.  Make certain that you are upholding your responsibility first.  If you do, the times you have to assert or claim your authority should be few.  When the time comes that you must assert your authority, then DO IT, and do it with LOVE and the POWER that God has given you.  That being said,  if you have been struggling for some time, do not expect to stand and strike your staff upon the ground like moses and have the seas part for you instantly.  YOU are the one who has given up your authority and over time lost the respect and obedience you deserve.  It will take time to get it back.

Persevere brothers, take heart and be steadfast and go with love and the Lord goes with you.

Offline PeterEnergy

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #31 on: Fri Jun 08, 2012 - 12:08:54 »
What is NPD?

Offline JohnDB

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #32 on: Fri Jun 08, 2012 - 12:21:18 »
Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The women in question are borderline cases. The full monty of this disorder usually end up residents of the penal system as they often exhibit a lack of concern for anyone else to the point of criminality.

Offline PeterEnergy

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #33 on: Fri Jun 08, 2012 - 12:55:47 »
Oh, in that case, I think most men do not experience NPD but institutionalized misandy.

I think it is critically important to not feel the burden to reduce everything to a medical malfunction, like disorder. The main opposition we face is thinking and the choices people make in their thinking. Christianity is about love. Some choose hate. This thread is about wide spread hating - of men.

Offline 7angels

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Re: Anyone married to a wife who experiences NPD?
« Reply #34 on: Fri Jun 08, 2012 - 15:58:50 »
this was shared with me from a friend and i thought it would fit in nicely here.

For every person with NPD, there is a back story of tragedy. It's one thing to tick off the symptoms, its another to really see the person. It's very close to sociopathy. Can also be very similar to borderline.

In my mother, it made her a very difficult person to love. She was born again, I am convinced of that. But she was broken inside. Growing up without familial love can have different affects on different people, this was how it affected her. Her family didn't consider her important, so she had to find her own importance. Her needs remained unmet, she had to learn how to make people serve her. How many hours she was locked inside a small dark closet as a little girl, I have no idea, only that it was to a point routine. Living in the shadow of her adored younger sister, I believe this was just the tip of the iceberg.

As a child she dreamed (pathologically) of the perfect family, up til she was married at 19. After she died, we found her scrapbooks, each filled to the brim with pictures cut from magazines, all of happy families, starting in her early childhood, up until she graduated high school, and then they stopped. 3 children and 4 years later, when her husband couldn't deal with her manipulations and self centeredness, he left, and what last shreds of thoses dreams that may have remained shattered.

After the violence and craziness that followed, by the time us children grew up and went our own ways, she had settled into a more manageable lifestyle, but I don't believe she every really had intimacy with anyone. It seemed that everything she did was calculated to manipulate someone into taking care of her, or was calculated to buy someone's love.

How horrible to live craving love that you can never experience! I'd like to think that there was some that actually got through. But I don't know.

As her health was deteriorating from TIA's and cancer (often the personal price for the inner anger, bitterness, and isolation), I was still rather young in the Lord. While I did my best to serve her, it was very difficult for me to actually love her. She was still a user - using whomever was near.

But as God has continued to soften my heart, and given me greater understanding, I regret that I was not able to love her more, and not able to give more to her.

NPD can make someone very difficult to love, but it's that love - true, freely given love - that they need so desparately!

I believe there is more to it than just being unregenerate. NPD is the scar tissue that grows over deep and serious wounds. And full healing may never come in this lifetime, even for those who are redeemed.

There are certain times I've experienced what I believe to be the unmistakable voice of God in my heart, and after she had become ill, it was one of these times, "She is My beloved daughter, and you will serve her." I could only obey.

After she died, God gave me the full assurance that she was with Him. In that moment between waking and dreaming, I saw her, surrounded in cloud, beautiful! And she said to me, Mark! It's so Wonderful! OK, I know, but I believe God has received her, and healed her, and given her beauty for ashes, as He does all of His broken ones.

Love in Christ,
Mark