Can you learn to love?

[Carwhisperer]

I wrecked a 16 year marriage to a wonderful woman (sweet, good Mom, good cook, pretty, nice figure, God loving) because I was always waiting for something better to come along. I didn't cheat before we separated but I asked her to leave and then had some other relations. I later sought reconciliation and we almost got back together but it didn't happen.

Now I've got a girlfriend. She is wonderful also but I get distracted by other women. I am constantly trying to prove my self worth based on who I can attract. I believe it has something to do with my relationships with my brother and mother when I was a child.

I wish I could be one of those guys who is so head over heels for his wife that he would never think of cheating and just be thrilled to have his wife. I don't have an ongoing porn problem though I have looked. My problem is with the real thing.

Any advice beyond pray which I have done?

[Cally]

I think some men may do this thing for sport. I don't mean to be "preachy," but I think the attitude towards women needs reevaluating. On one level, they're simply "people." A spouse is a "life partner," so whatever sport or challenges you take on as a man, she's your support. I feel that it's a good thing to make up our minds that catching women (and women do the same thing with men too) is just a foolish sport. I guess it's tempting because we're talking about "coveted items" which can always seem like trophies, but in the end the issue is finding someone who you can live with.

Women (or men, of course) can be visually appealing, but they're simply "people." I've trained myself to just ignore the outside (and if anything, people who spend tons of time and money on their appearance I find less impressive).

My thoughts.

[johndoo]

My advice is to see a Christian therapist. 
We are the happiest and most content when we live within our values and a Christian therapist can help you with that and understand the past with your family.  If you are using these outward thing to validate yourself, then there may be issues about self esteem. 

If you marry again,  it is God's will that you have a stable marriage and this becomes a higher priority than getting this external validation from women. 

Work to keep the relationship exciting and evolving to ward off boredom.
"Bounce the eyes"  -- the continued gazing and thinking about other women is a problem. 

[DaveW]

I echo the advice to see a christian counselor.  You need to correct this problem or any future relationship you have will fall apart as well.

Is your ex wife still "available?" (not remarried, open to a reconciliation)

If so, you are much better off biblically speaking to make it right with her.  Both of you need to do some counseling (perhaps even your daughter)

[epiphanius]

I wish I could be one of those guys who is so head over heels for his wife that he would never think of cheating and just be thrilled to have his wife.

CW,

One thing I have learned about love is that it has two primary components, which I refer to as "passion" and "commitment" (used in this sense, the word "passion" refers to the sense of delight the lover finds in the beloved).

In the early part of a relationship, this is usually what feeds the commitment in the heart of the lover, but it never stays that way--passion will always diminish over time unless the commitment has grown enough to where it now feeds the passion.

When you speak about wanting to be "head over heels," you're speaking about a very intense passion. Many of us never experience this level of intensity, while for some it is strictly an illusion, but even in those cases where it is real, I believe that what keeps it alive is the commitment.

The good news is that you recognize the problem:

I wrecked a 16 year marriage to a wonderful woman (sweet, good Mom, good cook, pretty, nice figure, God loving) because I was always waiting for something better to come along.

Some people never get to that point, and spend the rest of their lives blaming others. Pray for them, and thank God He has given you a chance to be different!

[JohnDB]

Unfortunately I can answer your question from the perspective of experience.

I'm on my third wife. I also have had many girlfriends.

Today, I aint proud of my past but I have to own it.

The problem as you have noticed isn't with the women mostly. The problem lies within you on this one. Your self confidence is really suffering because you have used this crutch of "gaining a better girlfriend/wife" for so long it might be too late. When your identity of self worth comes from this instead of Christ it is always empty, hollow, and of course fleeting.

Somehow you have to recognize who you are (as God made you) and accept that and be satisfied and be thankful.

If you can't think of yourself as a good man with gifts, talents, and abilities that are of real value without the need of proving it by some kind of superficial token of a "trophy wife" you might not ever.

Learn to be OK with being alone and single. Bachelors are more free to do a lot of things that married men aren't. And with a double handful of platonic friends your life really won't be lonely.

You are supposed to be able to love your wife as much as yourself. Not love yourself because you have a great wife.    Subtle but important difference. The right attitude can make or destroy a home. (As you have already discovered)

[LucasCowles28]

You need to try to change your perspective I think. when we "fall in love" it is purely a selfish love. when you say you love someone people say I know she is the one! she makes me feel so good,she really understands me. The bible says the heart is deceitful. to love is the love God gave us that's the love he wants us to give to everyone especially our wives. God loved us why we were yet sinners. That means god love for us was not based off of anything we did for Him. God willingly  loved us despite the fact we are wretched. So when my wife wakes up if she decides to be in a bad mood and gripe all day i lovingly talk to her and explain how i feel do i want to love her not really i get frustrated.But to love is not based off emotions it's based on will it's not based on how they treat you it's based on will,for that's how God loved us.

I always find t puzzling god says love your enemy but men will not be a real man role up his sleeves and fight for his wife.marriage ain't easy and it ain't for the weak it's forever God never intended for us to leave our spouse.Paul said when i was a child i thought and reasoned as a child when i grew up i put away childish things. CW, put away childish things be a man. each of us have an internal war going on between the flesh and the spirit. you Lusting after women is not what a real man does.I see pretty women but i advert my eyes or think of something else i fight that battle so t does not become lust. You have to fight that battle to.

Jesus said not to put away your wife except she commit adultery. I'm going to tell you straight you put her away for pleasure  for the flesh. Now the kudo's you know what your problem is FIGHT IT pray God help you.I will pray for you to. You haven't had the gf that long tell her you sorry you made a terrible mistake be a man and do whatever it takes to get your good Godly wife back. Just my thought's

[sesantek]

The truth of the matter is that you may not have the true God kind of love as a nature. Only born again christians have this. This type of love is a nature. You should have it before you can begin to look forward to loving your wife or even loving God.

If you love God, you won't cheat (sin). Likewise if you love your wife you won't cheat on her.

The solution is not about prayer for now, it is about you checking yourself to see whether you are truly born again or not. If you are born again, probably you are still struggling with Holy Spirit against sinful habits.

Sir, your wife can come back to you if you want her back. Don't make 16 years a waste. Have you thought about the effect on your children.

I will pray with you.

[masondog]

I am not sure it is wise to challenge another persons salvation because of their problem with particular behavior. We know very little about this man's life. If he feels hopeless and discouraged this only strenthens the enemies foothold. I am not a very good debater and theological discussion but I have seen scripture used to suppport many divergant points of view.

Men struggle with porn and masterbation more than any other sins. They/we/I  look for respit from their struggles in their work and find no rest. They return to the alter begging for deliverance from their bondage. This man struggles with his own doubt that he can be loved and then return love. I see women struggle with this more often only because some of them are more transparent about it. They are cursed in Genises by the propensity to seek the affection of their husbands and not find satisfaction while man is cursed to toil the earth and never find rest. But this does not mean that that is the only bondage that we need deliverance from. Nor do I see that a man or women is instantly delivered from these and other bondages.
   The children of Israel were delivered and still struggled with doubt and unbelief. Hence the need for sacrifice, for true deliverance, and the command to look to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
   
I would have more doubt about a man who can do all worldly relationships with ease and has no need for the community of believers to corporatly look to Jesus for healing. Perhaps this man needs four men to lower his crippled mind down through the roof.
It is to easy in a forum to tell some one to lower themselves at the the alter rather than to encourage them to seek help in God's people. Counselors are good but they should not be a substitute for the workers/friends/intimacy of the body of Christ.

  Peter failed miserably to love Jesus and yet Jesus knew what would help him with his failure. Go feed sheep. His failure in his deliverance from his inability  to love had nothing to do with the command. Peter knew very well how to feed sheep in those days but to encourage and protect God's sheep was purely an act of odedience. Not a feeling driven behavior. Peter was going to need every kind of help he could get from God to do this.

I live around sheep farms and I am in the process of keeping a half dozen sheep for a person who raises them for 4H who is moving. They are stinky , dirty, stupid , in constant need , and always need checking up on to see if they may half gotten their leg or wool stuck in a hole or or bad piece of fence. They can't see their back sides so their butts are full of dried feces. Sound like anybody you know ? Me , myself , and I ?