When I see threads such as this, I always check out the person posting to see the types of post they have done before and seeing you have made about eleven posts, and all of them speaks to me of a person that either is a person that should be pitied and help, or a person just posting to see how folks on this forum would react.
You seem to be the person that should seek help from a person that you trust the most and let them know your struggles and tell them you need help from inward voices that are tempting you to do evil, for if you delay in seeking help, you are either going to hurt yourself or someone else, or both.
There's a good chance you are long gone since it has been almost six months since you made a post~even though you did visit 1-7-2021.