I have enough.
I can't look myself in the mirror.
I can't see myself as a man. And nothing can change that. Having a penis, beard, nice clothes, having a motorcycle, and other stereotypically manly stuff.
I'm just not a man. And so many things remind me about that every day, and it's heart-crushing.[The above introductory remarks and your later reference below to mental issues, and inability to get emotionally involved with anyone, or even the Lord - disturb me greatly, I do not know if I am able to confidently say much about them. But I will attempt that, in the final portion of this post which I have called my "P.S", after talking about my wife's apparent "status" with the Lord!]
Why did God create me in the first place?
Is God pleased that he made me a man unable to 'leave his father and mother and join with his wife'?
Is God pleased that he made me so lame? After all, it's him who does that. Exodus 4,11 [That's an interesting point that I had not given much thought to before - the last verse of your "quote pointer" refers in my NEB to "...Who makes him clear sighted or blind..." - I am extremely short-sighted (which has caused many associated difficulties in life) - but no-one in my family line has ever had such poor sight before - why me?
Why did he make me a man who will never be able to use his genitals in a godly way? Excuse me being this plainspoken. Why did he gave me my genitals then?
I'll never be able to have a wife, first because I'm not entirely heterosexual [You are not alone - some "alpha" males are obviously "hetero" (involved in manly striving in sports for instance, or adventure - into possibly high-risk stuff) but think a large % of us are in roughly the mid-point of the Kinsey sexual scale - we are not alpha-males but definitely not effeminate or "camp" - that is distasteful. OK, so we admire those chaps with a good physique etc (wish we had spent more time getting trim!), but we also like attractive ladies! We mostly tend to be just easy-going, "comfortable", run-of-the-mill "also rans", i.e. not "leaders" out in the fore-front of things!] , second because I have other mental issues going on that make me unable to create relationship with any woman, and any person overall, even God. I just can't connect emotionally.
And God won't listen, won't change anything, doesn't care. I was praying so much yesterday evening to God to show me and convince me that he actually exist, but he didn't respond in any way. So many years I've been trying to connect to God, and I can't. He doesn't heal, he doesn't make things easier. It seems he doesn't care for my broken heart. If he could just tell me he loves me, and that I'm his beloved little boy, it would make things a lot easier. But that doesn't happen. I don't even know what to believe anymore. Apparently God doesn't care whether I believe in him or not either.[See what I've written below about my wife's very long-standing problem and her inability to hear from the Lord!!!]
I no longer believe in 'God has a great plan for your life' stuff.
Hi brother! Sorry I've taken to augmenting the "quote" of your original post at the points where I felt a comment was needed right off - my bits are in "[...]" square brackets - and there's "a bit" of red/blue highlighting!
I read an article in our D.M. paper yesterday about the death at 88 of a Carmelite nun (Sister Wendy Beckett, later a "Reverend Mother") who for a while (in the 1990s) was a "down-to-earth art critic" on TV. She said a number of shocking things that you certainly would not expect to hear from a nun, like "Sexual organs were just part of the apparatus God made for us, and nothing to get embarrassed about". She was, so the article said, "refreshing and unafraid to speak her mind, whether about Leonardo's 'preference for boys' or denouncing modern British artist Damien Hirst as "really pathetic".
I can understand your pain, because although married for nearly 50 years now, and having an almost 50 year old daughter - things aint rosy! After a series of un-successful ops to try and cure poor urine flow, the medicos tried a TURPs op that turned out to be a disaster from a man's viewpoint - it resulted in the problem of E.D., but cannot be rectified by "popping a pill" to improve blood flow to that part of the anatomy, because that could so easily in my case of extreme short-sightedness result in loss of sight - a risk am not prepared to take. My wife has severe bowel prolapse (due to straining too much when giving birth to our daughter - they should, because of her small build, have used a "Ceasarian" delivery, instead of a forceps one) - and haemorrhoids - she has had one remedial op to cut away part of her colon and several ops for the bleeding piles. But like my last prostate op - that was unsuccessful too. The result is that neither of us have enjoyed intimate love-making for some 30 years now. Believe me when I say that poses psychological problems!
Also, as a result of me being a very bad snorer, we sleep in separate rooms of our multi-storey town house - so there is no physical contact between us now - just faithful
You say you "will never be able to have a wife" - "Never" is far too strong a word! There are many around the mid-point of the Kinsey sexual scale, that can and do, go on to enjoy a rewarding loyal companionship with a wife, and "father" children - living in what many would deem a happy fruitful relationship. Perhaps we all need to think about what Jesus said in John's Gospel about "abide in Me" so as to go on and bear much fruit - and the children you may "father" are some of that good fruit I reckon - they are a natural by-product of God's planned means for you to be "fruitful" with your body (using your semen in a Godly way).
I would guess from your post that you might be in the 20-35 age bracket - just because you haven't found a partner to share life by this time - don't despair! I was "slow off the mark" living at home till I was 29, so that I could help support my mum financially (first as a lowly-paid apprentice, then later in a decent well-paid job) - since my dad had "skedaddled off", leaving her to struggle financially, doing jobs like school canteen assistant etc,. I thought I might find a young lass, by joining a "Ballroom Dance Club" and practiced/studied carefully, getting through the various bronze/silver/gold medal stages - but do you know what! - I got big-headed at my ability
, and got "choosy" in picking out partners to dance with. The funny thing is that it was all a waste of time - my wife is not keen on dancing! It was not till I had left home to go "up north" for a good job at age 30 and living a quiet bachelor life, in an "executive flat" in a multi-storey block - that I put an advert in the "personal columns" of the paper in my home area (I was a bit "home-sick" for the style/speech/ways of my south coast home area!) produced an encouraging response. Although not much of a Christian at the time - I did pray about my action and particularly over the few replies I received to my advert. After prayer I opted for the reply of a young student nurse undergoing training. We "courted" for a while, and then when her training was finished we "took the plunge" - I was 34, and my then wife, 7 years younger. As for most ordinary people - things haven't always gone smoothly - life is full of "ups and downs" - but it is infinitely better to share life with a faithful partner, than to live a solitary life!
In my case, all the normal manly "cum" stuff has dried up anyway due to old age now - coming up for 83 soon - (as they say - "If you don't use a thing you may lose it!") - leaving me feeling rather less than a man! The trouble is that although the "kit" doesn't work as it used to - one still gets "wild" feelings. (Have to consciously avoid things that may arouse "base passions" - anything erotic!) A fertile breeding ground for wrong fantasies, just "fabricated" sensual dreams, with little release of sexual tension. To "cap it all", I suppose on the "Kinsey Sexual Scale", am about "mid-way" - so some of my "fabricated dreams" are rather "G-0-Y" in nature (some yearning for close intimate contact with my own kind) - i.e. bi-sexual!?
Is it possible for 2 men to "enjoy" comradely close association with each other, without getting involved in sex - to be dearly concerned and deeply caring??? I don't know the answer to that, but I know that it is a very "dangerous situation", easily spilling over into wrong action. IMO the trouble is the matter of "sensuality", a touch, or glimpse that may lead on to other less innocuous things - yet the Lord gave us our "senses" to experience the life He gives us - it's all too difficult for my "noddle"!
At about 12 or 13 years old, I had an unhappy "sexual explorative adventure" with a like-minded "friend". For a period of a few weeks, I had barely restrained sexual lust for contact with that "friend". Not that we did anything considered as "normal" for "gays" in these days
- NO mutual masturbation, NO anal penetration, not much more than briefly "frotting" together - until
my "friend" showed interest in trying anal penetration! That was the end of our "friendship"
, and I made a "proclamation" to myself, a sort of "vow", which has effectively ruined the rest of my life (Beware "The Power Of Words" that we utter!) - I said to myself "I am unworthy to have a friend - I cannot be trusted!"
. As an "introvert" - making friends is a difficult matter for me. I have many acquaintances - but no real friends! In later years, from reading the Scriptures, I came to realize the degradation that I had for a while embraced. "Lust indulged sickens a man, and fools are loathe to change their ways"
So, is there any "answer" for those with such problems? I am sure despite all the difficulties the answer is a resounding "YES!". I don't know if the Lord had been "softening me up" for a while beforehand - but at age 40 He "touched" my life and gave it a new meaning (it was I suppose, what is called the "new birth") a realization of the gift of the Indwelling Holy Spirit - so I am no longer just living my own life - but it is a partnership with the Lord - He in me and I in Him. That doesn't mean that everything is "all roses" - He is my Resident Boss and if (as often happens) I am inclined to make the wrong immediate choices, He will correct me with His "still small voice" - so I quite often "hear" a warning "NO!" , "Do not go there!", "You do not need that!", or similar short response to "warn me off" some unwise choice of mine!
If as a Christian, you do not
hear the Lord's "still small voice" to lead/correct you - then there has to be something radically wrong in one's life - the Lord is "holding back", grieved until you "have it out" with Him and submit to His way of doing things - He is the Boss and submission is the only way to get peace!
If you make"contact" with Him , then life does
open out! It is written that He is a "rewarder of those who seek His face"
, and you will begin to notice those countless kindnesses He shows you, as you travel through life. As you respond with gratitude ... Always approach the Lord with a grateful heart - Still breathing? - Alive and kicking? - Able to use your senses etc,? - Then there really is something to be grateful to the Lord for! ("I will enter His gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter His courts with praise!")
... that delights Him even more - and He will form an even closer bond with you! It is rare for Him to "speak into my mind" more than a few pithy words at any one time. I treasure what He has told me, or my delighted responses - I have made a note in my Bible of those which have deep meaning for me, like "I have a Father who loves me!"
, or to my boundless gratitude (particularly after some wretched "fall") I have heard "You do not surprise Me - I know you!", "You will be with Me!"
- what a joy, what a truly Great Friend! So - as with the rest of humanity - although my sins be many - He has purchased me and all my kind from "the pit". He owns me - and I am glad of it!!!
Scripture says "No man can purchase himself from the pit - the price would be forever beyond his ability to pay."
, Yet as our great spotless perfect "sin offering", Christ, our Great High Priest, has done it all for us! "One only, was good enough to pay the price."
Don't be put off by those who say that you have to pray earnestly for the gift of the Indwelling Spirit - that's wrong - because when Christ ascended back into heaven He said He would ask the Father to send the Holy Spirit upon us - because Christ is now glorified, we all have access to the indwelling Spirit. Unless...
we have a "blockage" that needs to be dealt with! ... For example
, my wife is a firm Christian, although seldom going to church because it "clashes" with her (essential in her opinion) trips to the swim pool/gym etc, (I mostly go by myself now!), but is (has been) struggling with an "eating disorder" since our daughter was 12 - she is classified as a bulimic, although she doesn't make herself sick after foolishly gorging secretly
. She has, over the years, had much prayer/ministry to overcome the problem - but gets quite upset if anything intervenes to spoil her own efforts, and her exhausting daily exercise routines, to deal with it. The root cause of her trouble was due to neglect when she was a child - not knowing when the next meal might come! Her "answer" (at 75) is to exercise "like crazy" to keep her weight under control. She does not hear the "Resident Boss", 'cos IMO she keeps to doing things her way - instead of the Lords way, of submitting to His guidance. She's a real stubborn lass!
(At the current time she is suffering from a very bad "attack" of urticaria, with no idea what initiated it. She has a terrible itchy rash on most of her body and despite many means of alleviating the itching - Aloe Vera, Calamine lotion etc ... you name it, she has tried it - can find no relief, it evens inhibits proper sleep! The Lord has not said much about it in response to my pleas for help, but I think He is pointing to her "gym-monkey" obsession as a cause. At 75 her skin does not behave as it did when younger, so she is susceptible now to things that did not affect her when younger. She has Raynaud's Syndrome which means poor circulation in extremities - so after swimming in the pool for maybe over an hour, she is "freezing" so she says - and then goes into the steam-room for some 20 mins just to get warmed up. This seems to result in a bad "heat-spot" rash, so she scratches and scratches - it's quite bad now! If I've heard the Lord correctly - an answer would be to drastically reduce her exposure to cold/heat. But she says (stubborn as ever!) "I can't do that - what would I do with myself instead?!"
. She "pooh-poohs" the idea of seeing a doctor about it - having heard from others, that urticaria can go on for ages and the medicos have little real idea of a cure! Oh Lord - Please help us!!!
You wrote that you "cant look yourself in the mirror"! That "screams out" to me that you may - as many others do - have a poor "body image" view of yourself. Let me explain - for instance, some anorexically-inclined people look at themselves in a mirror, and all they can "see" with their eyes/mind is "DISGUSTING FAT!", and proceed to punish themselves still further by "fleeing from food", until they approach starvation point and death! This is clearly the work of "the forces of darkness" out to destroy people! I can understand that particularly when young, a chap wants (and is deeply concerned) to look his best, well dressed and groomed, so as to increase his chances of attracting a partner. There is so much more to us than our outward appearance - our characters, the sound of our voices, the way we move, etc,. At my age it's a bit late for a "mirror image" assessment, the ravages of the years are self-evident and not much can be done to alter them - so I believe we have to get "comfortable" with ourselves - accepting ourselves as we actually are (with a wry smile perhaps). OK so we can do minor improvements - more disciplined eating perhaps, to reduce that waist girth, tidying up a bit. But no great physical alteration may be possible - so just accept it with a degree of resignation - be considerate of your poor frame! (I have as a result of surgery, one ear much smaller than the other - a big slice cut out of the ear' helix to cut-away a carcinoma, and edges stitched together. There is a 15 degree permanent tilt of my head to one side - and am definitely now, or even when younger, not exactly handsome!
) Accept yourself for what you are, and make the most of your good points!
You wrote that "I am just not a man."
, but from your post it seems you have the necessary "kit" to be one, and are hopeful that one day you may find a partner. Just what is it, in your opinion that makes a man??? You refer to having a beard, so you have the usual male "secondary hair" placement. Is it that you have a higher pitched than normal male voice? Don't
be upset by that, there are some masculine-type women with quite low-pitched/gruff voices. (There is one such lady working in the team at our daughter's Pharmacy Hub. If she answers the phone when our daughter is not available, she sounds so much like a man! On the other hand, I've heard an instructor at the gym/pool I use, talking in the changing room, his voice is so deep, I think he must be on Testosterone injections - makes me feel like a "wimp"!
Maybe, since you wrote later that you "are not entirely heterosexual"
you think that is a major problem for you (commiserations!) - I have already in my "doctored quote" of your post said something about this - and you can read from the stuff above that I evidently have a similar problem. You are what you are, and only the Lord can truly change us - our efforts to change by our own "will-power" will not be successful - our wills are far too weak - we may succeed for a short while, then WHAM! We have to be "gracious with ourselves" and accept things until He changes us. This immediately leads on to another important issue - we cannot love others properly until we have learnt to love ourselves with all our obvious failings
it's this business of being "gracious" to ourselves. It is said that "No man is an island", every action we take has some effect on the lives of others" - like ripples from a stone dropped into a pond. We must not live for ourselves but have compassion and care for others!
Sometimes in life we may get "used" like a doormat (trod on!) - but we still need to maintain that right attitude of caring for others, despite how they may treat us! Do as you would be done by! Above all things - because of the "sexuality" problem - do not allow yourself to be drawn into any action that later you would be ashamed of, and most deeply regret - i.e. "step back from the brink" and in your right mind, deal with the matter as the Lord would have you!!!
I didn't really want to throw Bible verses at you concerning this, but there is one Paul writes of in Romans 6:12-14 which "nails" the situation exactly - starting with the statement : "So sin must no longer reign in your mortal bodies, exacting obedience to the body's desires ..."
. This is the real problem - the body's desires - Oh how we enjoy the momentary intensely pleasurable sensations - but if it's not in a "Godly" situation (according to His planned intent) - they draw us further away from the Lord!
His is the purity, holiness and righteousness that is way beyond our comprehension!
There can be, so I understand, great love and comradeship between 2 men, without "sex" getting in the way. Each ready to lay down their lives in the best interest of the other. I don't think that women can have such a depth of companionship between them. This can be seen in the final parting of David and Jonathon in which they wept over each other - David fleeing from Saul's wrath. In David's lament for the death of his dear friend Jonathon (2 Samuel 1:26), he writes " I grieve for you Jonathon my brother; dear and delightful you were to me: your love for me was wonderful, surpassing that of women."
. So there can
be nobility in such a relationship! That reminds me of Jesus saying to His disciples "Greater love hath no man, than he who lays down his life for his friends
" - which is what Jesus did for us all, in the Work of the Cross - in purchasing us from Sin.
I sincerely hope that my comments may prove helpful to you somehow in your situation! Keep us posted!!!