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Author Topic: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?  (Read 8705 times)

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Offline SolitaryDisciple

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My wife and I have been married for three years. But now, it looks like the marriage is coming to an end. She says that she is very unhappy.

Today is my birthday. It hasn't been the greatest. She revealed a few things to me today that were unpleasant. She has a problem of a sexual nature that I will not go into right now, but it is taboo. People generally frown upon it. Her ex-boyfriend was supportive of the practice, but I forbid it. It is an abnormal attraction to certain things.

She just told me today that she had contacted her ex-boyfriend by E-mail a few months ago. Lately, things have been getting progressively worse. She has told me that she did not want to see a pastor or a marriage counselor. She is sort of drifting towards Deism, but she says that she is still a Christian.

I am upset, but I did not get enraged about this betrayal. But she is married to me, and so in a way, it was kind of adulterous, because she was apparently wanting to have an emotional affair on me at least. A lot of people have really discouraged us from the divorce, but I think that now, it is inevitable. The marriage is not working. She is unhappy, and wants out of the relationship.

How should I feel about her having contacted her ex-boyfriend? How would you feel if you were me? What should I do now?

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Offline Redjack

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2012, 06:02:47 PM »
 I am no wise man, as I have divorce papers sitting on the table next to me.
Did she contact him once or twice? Or is she in constant contact with him?
This is what I experienced. My wife has been in contact with her ex-husband on a regular basis for probably a couple years.
They text back and forth all day long. In her opinion it is none of my business. I would like to say our marriage took a turn for the worse when her contact with him started, but I have no idea.
I can say that it is poison. I recommend a good christian based marriage counselor. If she won't go to counselling then there is nothing much you can do.
 If she is still in contact with him let her know you don't approve. If it was a one time thing I would not make a big deal of it. Do not retaliate. Keep yourself innocent of blame. Be loving.

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2012, 06:02:47 PM »

Offline Edenlife

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2012, 10:10:18 AM »
You contact your pastor and discuss with your pastor. Let him counsel you on what to do. Go out and buy Christian resources on marriage and devour them as quickly as you can. Pray for your wife, give her space, and let God lead you on what to do concerning her. It is sensitive, I don't think there is ONE answer as to what to do or how you should feel.

RECAP
1. Discuss with your pastor (regular sessions- it usually takes more than one session to get all burdens of your chest)
2. Buy books, audio/video teaching (Christian) on marriage. Check amazon and other Christian sites- DEVOUR THEM QUICKLY- trust God to open your heart to revelation as to what to do and to speak to your heart and also heal your heart
3. Give her space, PRAY PRAY PRAY about the situation, and keep doing all you know to be right in the relationship

You don't want to get entangled in her tango. As in you don't want her problems to drag you down also

Stay strong!

Offline Carwhisperer

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2012, 11:08:51 AM »
If it hasn't happened already you are likely to have many books thrown at you. At the risk of getting lost in the white noise might I recommend "Love Must be Tough"? James Dobson I think. It is a pseudo-classic and coined the term "tough love" I think. The gist is to continue to love but don't be a party to any sinful behavior. Don't approve of the negative behavior. Be willing to set boundaries such as "If you are going to continue communicating with your ex I cannot live in the same house with you. I will wait (if you are willing) but not indefinitely. I am willing to work on things with you but this behavior has to stop."

There is no guarantee that it will work but in my view it is the only thing that will work. Of course there are variations on the theme but the idea is to lovingly show that you stand up for what is right and you are not a doormat.

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2012, 11:08:51 AM »
Pinterest: GraceCentered.com

Offline Carwhisperer

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2012, 11:14:14 AM »
I am no wise man, as I have divorce papers sitting on the table next to me.
I was moved by this statement. I am going through a divorce myself. I tried to pm you but your inbox is full. PM me if you want to talk.

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2012, 11:14:14 AM »



Offline Ben

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2012, 03:29:27 PM »
A wise old marriage counselor told me one time that if a man is giving his wife EVERYTHING she needs she won't need to go looking for anything elsewhere.  A dog prefers to drink from his water bowl but if his master will not fill it with water he will go and drink from the toilet.

Ben

Offline Link

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2012, 09:06:08 PM »
She need to have godly people talking into her life.  Do you know an older married couple with a really godly, dedicated, devout, submissive, holy wife?  maybe you could hang out with them.  If you can't find someone that fits the profile, find a young couple that is the same way.  try to surround your wife with women she can open up to and confide in who will talk some sense in to her.

Provide your wife more than enough in the way of sexual fulfillment.  Bend over backwards for her, within the limits of your conscience.  Give her all the quantity she needs.

She needs to get away from that boyfriend. 

She also needs to be in church or fellowshipping with fellow believers who will teach her the word of God.  Pray with her every night and read the Bible to her.  Disciple her.  It can make a huge difference.

And keep on praying for her.  It is amazing how powerful that can be.

Offline JohnDB70X7

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2012, 03:45:40 PM »
Many people get married for the wrong reasons. And I blame the pastors / church members for not filling them in on the life commitment issue that is the very fabric of marriage. Instead, most parents and pastors and fellow church goers are quick to shove them into marriage to stave off fornication (sex outside of marriage).

Young couples should spend time with older couples (one at a time). Watch Fred fart in front of Agnes and watch Agnes throw something deadly at Fred. Watch how they resent each other (even if they can't do without each other). Ask them how it was in their dating days and see how it will be in their future once the romance has worn off and the sexual familiarity has worn on...

Then spend time with potential in-laws. That nose picker his father turned out to be will be him in twenty to thirty years. And that sack of potatoes with horn rimed glasses of her mother will be her in twenty or thirty years... and if there is any nuttiness on either side... you will be stuck with them!   

I personally married up... way up... 31 years ago. And it took me nearly 31 years to see it. So you can imagine what hell I put her through.

I simply believe most people have no idea what they are getting themselves into when they marry and they are not the honest committed types they think they are... and the Church is doing little to nothing to educate them about it. As I said, they are quick to give them their blessing to head of any further fornication than most are guilty of already.

That being said, you wife sounds like she was not the marrying kind. That or you are withholding information (as people tend to do when they are the guilty party or as much a part of the problem as the spouse they complain about is).

Women sometimes call their exes out of bewilderment about their husbands' actions... sometimes they do it out of frustration or wanting to consult a male who they knew intimately and feel they can count on their advice... My mother did it with one of her five ex husbands. My wife did it with her ex husband when we went through a very bad patch (separation) at about the same point of your marriage about 3 years in).  I don't have an ex. Girlfriend or wife. I dated but had no steadys. Certainly none I'd call... but come to think of it men wouldn't make that sort of call as to the fact it would convey to an ex he had failed at a successive relationship... hmmm the male ego and all.

   

Offline masondog

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2012, 09:40:43 AM »
A wise old marriage counselor told me one time that if a man is giving his wife EVERYTHING she needs she won't need to go looking for anything elsewhere.  A dog prefers to drink from his water bowl but if his master will not fill it with water he will go and drink from the toilet.

This wise old Confusus say statement belongs in the myth column.  Certainly any man needs to take an accounting of his role in the good and the bad of this world. But this statement implies way to much and also simplifies way to much. Consequently it confuses a man in the midst of crisis.

This is in response to Ben's statement a few rows back. I don't have the quote box thing down yet.

Offline Ray in Florida

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2012, 05:15:28 AM »
Dear Brother ...

If I may, have you had an opportunity to watch the movie "Fireproof"? If not. I would highly recommend it ... and along with it, get yourself a copy of "The Love Dare" ...

Prepare yourself for a very long journey ... with lots of work and little reward along the way ... save the renewing of your relationship with Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ ...

Persevere ... stay strong and unshaken in your Faith ... and you will be rewarded ... perhaps not in a way that you can presently envision, but rewarded none the less ...

If your DW is determined to leave, then leave that to GOD ... and take up the rebuilding of yourself in Christ ... I have traveled the path that you and our brother Carwhisperer now find yourselves on ... and I share with both of you my experiences in my own journey towards redemption ... and the eventual restoration of my marriage ... the process was long ... painful ... and frustrating ... I yelled and screamed at GOD many times ... and every time I did, HE was patient with me ... HE listened to me ... and when I was through "venting", HE still loved me ... slowly, I came to the realization that it wasn't about my relationship with my DW ... it was about the relationship that I needed to build with HIM first ... I had to allow HIM to do the work that I could no longer do in my relationship with my DW ... it was hard to realize that I was not equipped to do that job ... only HE could accomplish such a miracle ...

And, over the course of almost 6 years ... HE DID !!! Our marriage has been rebuilt ... and we are closer to each other than at any other time in our marriage ... none of which could have happened without first allowing GOD to do the work I asked HIM to do ... both in her, and most importantly in me ... HE used the opportunity to rebuild me into a vessel HE COULD USE ... and through my transformation, HE was glorified ... and slowly, my DW's eyes were opened once again ... and she saw in me the man she had always wanted to see ... and our relationship was transformed ...

There are no guarantees in this process ... free choice is what it is ... but if you can approach this with the mindset that, no matter how things work out, you need to do this for yourself ... and your own relationship with CHRIST ... you will be rewarded, as I said earlier ... so please, have FAITH ... and COURAGE ... and the STRENGTH to persevere ...

May you experience the GRACE and PEACE that comes with the acceptance of JESUS CHRIST into the center of your life ...

Ray in Florida
 ::cool:: ::prayinghard::

Online Carey

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #10 on: June 21, 2012, 08:56:48 AM »
Firstly I would address the question, "How should I feel about this?"

You feel how you feel, it is valid, ask for a reality check by all means, but never consider your sorrow invalid.  She should be aware of how you feel, and this is where a professional mediator can be a huge asset in helping two people express their feelings appropriately without falling into many of the pitfalls that go along with such communication. 

I so wish and pray that she and you may seek counselling together.  If she won't, seek allies, appeal to others important in her life,  friends, and family,  and maybe even, although perhaps unlikely, include the ex-boyfriend.  ::shrug:: I am kind of working blind here. 

If she won't go to counselling talk to your pastor, a pastor, or a counseller on your own.  A good one will not impose his/her values on you but rather reveal your own, and make your position clearer to yourself.  Given the "problem" you eluded too, it may be better to seek someone disconnected from your life, someone who you and her do not "see" except professionally.

Do not give up early, you made a vow before God until death, He expects you to put all your effort into keeping that vow.  That is not to say your marriage may not fail, but you owe it to yourself to know you tried your best.  That is also not to say you should throw your own values and morality into the dust bin to please her.

I don't know if this has helped, these are just some of my thoughts.  I  know the amazing things that can happen in a marriage, taking it from horrid, unhappy lows, and raising it up again to unbelievable heights.  God can have a major impact on your relationships, ask for His help frequently and sincerely and with FAITH that He will answer.

I pray that He will speak to her, that He will speak to you, that both will know His will and His power. Also that His will may be you stay whole in your relationship. ::prayinghard::

I must again express that these are just my thoughts, I know little of the situation,  I know very little period. ::shrug::

Best wishes,
Carey.







Offline tannic

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #11 on: June 25, 2012, 08:46:17 AM »
My wife and I have been married for three years. But now, it looks like the marriage is coming to an end. She says that she is very unhappy.

Today is my birthday. It hasn't been the greatest. She revealed a few things to me today that were unpleasant. She has a problem of a sexual nature that I will not go into right now, but it is taboo. People generally frown upon it. Her ex-boyfriend was supportive of the practice, but I forbid it. It is an abnormal attraction to certain things.

She just told me today that she had contacted her ex-boyfriend by E-mail a few months ago. Lately, things have been getting progressively worse. She has told me that she did not want to see a pastor or a marriage counselor. She is sort of drifting towards Deism, but she says that she is still a Christian.

I am upset, but I did not get enraged about this betrayal. But she is married to me, and so in a way, it was kind of adulterous, because she was apparently wanting to have an emotional affair on me at least. A lot of people have really discouraged us from the divorce, but I think that now, it is inevitable. The marriage is not working. She is unhappy, and wants out of the relationship.

How should I feel about her having contacted her ex-boyfriend? How would you feel if you were me? What should I do now?

As for being in contact with her ex is disrespectful on her part and not being enraged is good on your part. I just google Diesm and I can't say I'm not impressed about this. Diesm IMO is just another belief system. However I don't see how can you be a christian and say you don't believe in healing. That's like saying "I believe in God" but I believe in "man" for the other things. Example is healing ... I believe in healing and I believe in the supernatural. Is this the "God is a counselor" type belief I read on the internet a few years ago.

Offline psalm22

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #12 on: June 26, 2012, 02:04:14 PM »
SD,
     I feel for you and your situation.  You both are in my prayers.  I have been through a divorce and have since become engaged again and each relationship has posed unique issues.  My ex-wife could not stop spending money.  I tried for years to make it work and more years to make it stop.  I tried everything I could think of and it finally came down to me letting her know that I loved her and I wanted to make our relationship work but I simply could not continue to be in a relationship with her if those behaviors continues.  Three strikes later she was out.
      With your situation, she has come to you and told you about, what I assume, is a previously undisclosed sexual proclivity.  Aside from the interest in Deist beliefs, it seems to me that your biggest problem is that this behaviour of hers has come to your attention after you were married.  Unfortunately you cannot change that.  A few years in you get a surprise dropped on you in the form of what you percieve to be a flaw in your mate.   You likely feel shocked, hurt, betrayed, angry and a lot of other things.   When learning of this you, in your words, forbid it.
     Now, I know this is likely to get some folks dander up, however, fully consider this from her perspective in a more abstract or emotional point of view.  There is something that she has done, does or likes to do.  I think it is safe to assume that she was sufficiently worried or embarrased about it with regard to you that she kept it hidden for some time.  She likely even abstained for your benefit.  Time passes and she continues to have the urge to engage in this behavior and because she has in the past it is not a curiosity but a reality for her.  She comes to a point that the urge has become strong enough that she has had to work up the courage to talk to you about something she has not been honest about.  When she tells you, her husband, she is met with all of the above emotions and your ultimate action is to FORBID  her from engaging in it.  I understand I am making a lot of assumption but considering your absolute reaction to this, I am not surprised that she decided to reach out to somone she thought would be more understanding.
      We are all fond of saying here that a sin is a sin and there are no degrees of severity.  What if she had confessed to you that she had a previous drug addiction and was feeling weak or like she wanted to do it again?  What if she told you that she had a habit of shoplifting before she met you and recently had done it again?  Would your reaction have been different?
       We as humans are interesting creatures.  Why does sex matter so much more than the rest.  I had many people assume that adultery was involved in my divorce.  It was never an issue.  That being said, I have also thought and said well at least she was not running around on me.  Even I took comfort in the fact she did not go there but is that right?
       In the end, I can only tell you what has worked for me since then.  I met and fell head over heels for a wonderful woman whom I will marry in November.  It has not been all smooth sailing though.  Early in our relationship I made it very clear that the most important thing to me was honesty.  I told her I did not care how bad the truth seemed that to me I could deal with it.  I have learned since then that it takes a great deal of trust to tell someone you love something you think may hurt them.  We have both worked very hard to earn that trust with each other.  Our personal mantra has become "No matter what".  What is behind that is an acknowledgement that neither of us are perfect and a promise that no matter what happens or how we may stumble that we can always go to the other with the truth and without fear of losing our relationship.
      That being said, you also must set boundaries.  Boundaries are personal to you and are vastly different to forbiding someone else to do something.  You may say to her "I love you with all my heart and I want to find a way to make this work, however, I can't accept how this makes me feel and I can't be in a relationship with you if you continue to ___________."  As someone said before, express your patience but also make it clear that the patience has limits."  You can love the sinner and hate the sin.  If you are in love with an alchoholic you are in love with an alchoholic.  Love them for who they are as Christ loves us. 
      Christ gives us a great example of love.  He loves us unconditionally, he tells us the life we should live but he understands we will fail but his love does not.  His forgiveness is free and unlimited for those that seek it.  Yes, the bible and Jesus tell us many things about how we should and should not live our lives.  In spite of that, he tells us that all we need to be with him for eternity is to believe in him and love him.  He says this in full knowledge of our sinful nature.  When we sin and we are guilty or hurting because of it, Christ wants us to come to him.  He wants to love us sins and all.
      Look at your wife through Christ's eyes and love her.   I know some of the things she has done have hurt you.  Christ paid heavy price for us and his love for us even though he knew we would continue to sin.  If you really want to make it work with her, go to her, give her a huge hug and tell her you love her and how much.  Tell her how you have been feeling about what she has done and then appologise for your reaction.  Tell her that you want to talk about her issue and listen.  Ask her why she likes it, how it makes her feel, why she did not feel comfortable talking to you about it, and why she still finds it appealing.  You might gain some insight into why this plagues her.  Once you feel like you really understand why she is attracted to this then take a closer look and if it is not abjectly opposed to your values or faith and if it is possible, then try doing it with her.  If it is one of those obvious no no's then try asking her how she would feel if you did the same.  If those are not appropriate then at least try and discern what feelings this behavior gives her and try to find something more appropriate to fit the bill.   If it is possible to recreate the situation with the two of you by role playing a bit then by all means give it a shot.  Tell her how you feel about her reaching out to her ex but also tell her that you accept your part in the why she did it.  Tell her that you want to be her answer and safe place for everything.
       When my then girlfriend and now fiancee confessed an indescretion to me it hurt like nobodies business.  I held to my promise of no matter what and the first thing I told her was that and that I still loved her and wanted to be with her.  In the end, I understand why she did it even if I do not approve and she understands the impact it had on me.  I thanked her and loved her for her honesty and her deep trust in me with the hard truth.  I never once forbid her from doing it or doing it again.  More than a year later I asked her if she had ever felt tempted again.  Her answer was that she had thoughts sometimes but never felt really tempted because she understood the impact it had on me and that she never wanted to do it again.  I believe that our love is so strong because neither of us judge each other and we accept and love each other for who we are.
      I see a lot all over this board about being firm and standing fast, putting your foot down and making your wife submit to your god given authority.  I also see just as many posts from men who complain of being brow beaten by bossy and overbearing women.   Personally, I would just say to try and love your wife like Christ loves you both.
      If anyone of you have read this far, thank you and I am sorry to be so wordy. 

SD  I think you can save your marriage if you want to.  If you do, as much as it may hurt, losen your grip a bit and love her even harder.

Peace and blessings to you brother.

Offline NowFound

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #13 on: July 02, 2012, 11:58:06 AM »
I think all of these responses have been great.  Y'all have well thought out suggestions and sincere prayers.

However, the original poster, SolitaryDisciple, hasn't been online in over 5 months.  Someone recycled the thread by posting a response to it.

Maybe SD will be notified by email that there have been additional postings or maybe someone else reading will find wisdom in the responses. 

Who has known the mind of the Lord?  Rom 11:34

Offline WIT

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Re: My wife contacted her ex-boyfriend- how should I feel about this?
« Reply #14 on: July 07, 2012, 09:44:16 PM »
Hi read your post I would like to say I been through somthing similiar and here's my advice sometimes we cling to the wrong person to our own detriment even though God is giving us all the clear warning signs that somthing is definately not right why not heed it. (People can tell you to read hundreds of books but it will never apply specifically to your case)

On a deeper level why are you clinging on to her (you can't change some ones true will councilling etc etc the person must themselves do it only and then they are submitting their will to God and not yours!) what are the weakness in you which spurs you on to do it? Does this whole thing actually come as a shock to you? Or did you just rush into marriage? Did you really get to know your wifes character before you commited to her?

If you earnstley seek and ask yourself these questions and trace your memory back I am sure there will be one or two things which should have been spiritual warnings to stay clear. But alas now of days marriage is such  materialistic thing now of days then really a spiritual thing to both develop each others souls to ascent into heaven and also help raise humanity how many people view marriage like that?

 In addition to this what about you do you examine yourself why would you attract somebody with this type of nature is there somthing about you that you havent fully examined or explained?.


One thing I will say is try to answer these questions yourself and you will have your explanation.

what I will do is pray that you receive clarity , that God gives you discernment, strength helps you to tackle the issue properly and allows you to have a learning experience so you can perfect yourself and character (which is what GOD demands from you in tough situations). This is what will be beneficial for you