Personally, I think the one thing you really forgot to do is PRAY. That's right, I said, PRAY! God has said that he would never forsake anyone who accepts (or has accepted) Him.
'Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for The Lord Thy God, He it is that doth go with thee; He will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.' - Deuteronomy 31:6
'And The Lord, He it is that doth go before thee; He will be with thee, He will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.' - Deuteronomy 31: 8
'Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.' - Hebrews 13:5
Is the Bible just another book? Are these nothing more than nice sounding words? Deep down inside do you believe that there is some sort of, 'intellectual disconnect' between you, your own life, and the scriptures of the Holy Bible? (I think, in truth, you do. You may not be consciously aware of it; but, I'd say that this, 'disconnect' is definitely there!)
Here's a little story for you: A few years ago I spent several months fighting for my life. I experienced a sudden episode of congestive heart failure. One episode turned into two; and two turned into three. During this time I was, for all practical intents and purposes, existing on, 'death's door'. Time as the conscious mind usually perceives it just seemed to fade away. I could lose entire days and not even know it! It seemed as if I were only existing in order to breathe.
During these, 'in and out' episodes and my frequent return trips to the hospital I got to see, both, the very best and the very worst of people. (Not all doctors are benevolent healers; some are actually incompetent, even malicious, miscreants instead!) I've never told anyone this story; but, as a favor to you, I'll describe it now:
A short time after heart surgery I had a doctor come into my room, roust me from a quiet slumber, and ask me whether or not I wanted my name added to a list of recipients for a possible heart transplant? I fully woke up, looked at this man; and replied, 'Doctor, I'm a Christian.' 'I would never do something like that.'
The Doctor replied, 'I'm a Christian, too; and I'm offering you a second chance to live!' I answered, 'Apparently, we're different kinds of Christians.' 'I'd appreciate it if you'd allow me to die as I've lived - In accord with my Christian conscience.' The Doctor recoiled! He left my room in what appeared to be a fit of rage.
A day or two later this same man came back to my room at a very early hour of the morning. His first words were, 'Mr. Angel, I've got some bad news for you.' 'Your X-rays and tests have come back.' 'You have cancer; and there's nothing much we can do about it!' 'Your heart is, also, very weak.' 'Right now, you've got an ejection fraction of only 15%; and that isn't good.'
So there I am, flat on my back, debilitated, helpless, and fighting for my life - Which, all of a sudden, didn't seem worth fighting for anymore. THAT is when I remembered these verses! A sudden, genuinely inexplicable, calm came over me. I should have been afraid; I should have been depressed; but, instead, I became overwhelmed by a sudden sensation of, 'another presence' inside my room. I had no particular reason to hope; I remember thinking to myself; 'Why am I not scared?' but, I wasn't!
My overwhelming sensation was one of everything being all right. I drifted off and time, 'disappeared' again for awhile. A day, or two, later another doctor came into my room. He asked me how I was; and I facetiously told him, 'How should I be?' When he questioned me he seemed surprised. He looked at his watch, remarked that the lab was still open, and said that he would go downstairs to review my results.
About an hour later I saw this doctor come running - running - down the hallway toward my room. He stepped inside with the words, 'You do NOT have cancer!' 'You've got several environmental toxins in your blood; but, these are things we can work with.' My recovery was not fast; I took months and months for my health to improve; and a good part of that time I was not allowed to return to my home.
A year later I was in my cardiologist's office. He was running tests on me when he suddenly let out a low whistle. I looked at him; and he said, 'This doesn't usually happen!' 'What' I asked? 'He looked at me and said, 'This isn't supposed to happen; but, your ejection fraction is all the way up to 45-50% - Almost normal for a man your age!'
My only thought, both, then and now remains that it had to be God's stated promise as well as the extraordinary power of prayer! It is written that the devil lusts after our souls; that he wanders to and fro throughout the Earth, trying men's hearts, and looking for souls, 'to steal'. We, all, have to be careful not to ever allow ourselves to become divorced from God - From the salvation (the relief) of His promises.
Frankly, I think you've allowed yourself to slip. OK, God will allow you to get back up on your feet again. Personal foibles and emotional errors are part of conscious existence. These things happen to all men - Including this author. The important thing is to be able to recognize when you've either gone, or are going, too far as well as to be willing to, at least, try to get yourself back up on the, 'straight and narrow'.
I suspect that life isn't a heck of a lot of fun for you right now. That's because, somewhere along the line, you've managed to acquire an active Christian conscience! (Good for you!) That, 'force of conscience' is one of the most powerful personal motivators inherent to the conscious mind. Until you turn yourself around again (And I think that you shall!) you're not going to know any real peace.
PS: A little side note for you: During my first outpatient visit to the second doctor's office (The one who told me I did NOT have cancer.) my curiosity got the better of me; and I just had to ask! I said to this doctor, 'Are you a religious man?' He said, 'Yes, I think that I am.' Curious, I followed with, 'May I ask what religion you are?' The doctor smiled at me and replied, 'I doubt you'll like what you hear.' 'I answered, 'Tell me anyway.' The doctor paused for a moment; then he said, 'I'm a Muslim; and I've heard about you and your incredible Christian faith; I hope you won't hold being a Muslim against me.'
I thought for a moment before replying, 'Doctor, you may be a Muslim; however, I want you to know that you've been more of a Christian to me than any number of others within my own faith.' The doctor just smiled and looked away.
True story, every word of it!