Author Topic: Struggling with Sexual Desire  (Read 333 times)

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Offline kjp082278

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Struggling with Sexual Desire
« on: Fri Feb 08, 2019 - 08:24:03 »
I'm struggling with sexual urges because my wife and I are unable to have intimacy.  She has become disabled over the last six years and she's in too much total body pain.  Even placing my hand on her arm, leg, face, etc can often be too painful.  Also, due to her medications, her sex drive has dropped to zero.  I don't mean sexual urges with having an affair.  She can't help what happened to her and I still love her very much.  That being said, she has told me to use "self gratification" to take care of the urges.  She forgives me because there's not any other way.  My concern is my relationship with God.  I repent of my sins but repenting of this is very hard because my wife forgives me and prays to God for forgiveness of it too.  She's aware that my mind can wander and fantasize but she cares more that I remain her husband and care for her because of the daily physical pain.  Anyone have any thoughts, no matter what they may be?

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Struggling with Sexual Desire
« on: Fri Feb 08, 2019 - 08:24:03 »

Offline Dave_UK

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Re: Struggling with Sexual Desire
« Reply #1 on: Fri Feb 08, 2019 - 11:06:58 »
I can understand brother! - am in a similar situation, due to physical (on both our parts) circumstances. So no close intimacy with my wife for some 30 years!!!  Yet wouldn't dream of straying.  The problem I have is using "wicked imaginings" as a "solution" - and then confessing/repenting in a wretched often repeated cycle.  I recently read a helpful Godly answer in a book by David Hernandez on the action of the Holy Spirit in each book of the Bible.  The chapter on the H.S.'s work in the book of Zechariah struck me so much, that I emailed the publishers (so as not to contravene copyright law) to ask permission to quote what David wrote - for use in a helpful post here on how to "win" in the struggle between the "flesh and the Spirit". Am awaiting their reply! If they don't respond within a reasonable time, then I will "lift out" bits and express them in my own words - but using the same Bible quotes!

Offline kjp082278

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Re: Struggling with Sexual Desire
« Reply #2 on: Fri Feb 08, 2019 - 12:26:36 »
Thanks Dave_UK.  I appreciate the response.  It's been difficult but looking forward to the advice from other wonderful Christians!

Offline kjp082278

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Re: Struggling with Sexual Desire
« Reply #3 on: Fri Feb 08, 2019 - 18:08:56 »
Dave_UK, when I said I was looking forward to hearing from other wonderful Christians, I meant you included.  I didn't want to you to think I was moving on to other possible responses, because you were waiting for permission to use the quotes.  Whenever you can share them or a paraphrase version, I'm ready and willing to listen.  Thanks again! 

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Re: Struggling with Sexual Desire
« Reply #3 on: Fri Feb 08, 2019 - 18:08:56 »
Pinterest: GraceCentered.com

Offline Dave_UK

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Re: Struggling with Sexual Desire
« Reply #4 on: Sat Feb 09, 2019 - 02:41:08 »
Hi "kjp082278"!

Yus! - it's me again with further thoughts.  In the frontispiece of the book I mentioned, where it gives the usual copyright warnings - it does say "The use of short quotations or occasional page copying for personal or group study is permitted and encouraged.

On the basis of that statement, I will go ahead and do the quote!  I hope it does not disappoint your expectations - all of us have different views, it did "chime" with me, but may leave you unmoved.

Quote from David Diga Hernandez book "Encountering the Holy Spirit in every book of the Bible" (published by "Destiny Image")  from the chapter on Zechariah, page 182-185) : -

"...What comes after this mourning? (referring to Zech 12:10) A cleansing fountain is opened (see Zech 13:1) 

Before we can receive from the fountain of salvation, we must be drawn to the fountain of salvation.  The Spirit of grace draws us to that fountain. Nothing about salvation can be experienced without grace.  You can't know of salvation, desire salvation, or live in the benefits of salvation without grace.

   Many have said that grace is "unmerited favour" I believe that is true, but it's also more than that. What comes with God's unmerited favour? What undeserved blessings does He bestow upon us? Forgiveness? Yes.  Mercy? Yes.


   But what else?

   Grace is the Holy Spirit within you.  The grace of God is the empowering presence of the Holy Spirit.  Grace is God, by His Spirit, doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.  Grace is God, by His Spirit, giving to us what we don't deserve. Grace is God, by His Spirit empowering us to do what we could not do without Him.  Without the Holy Spirit of grace, not only could you not be saved; you wouldn't even desire salvation.

   Think of all the Spirit of grace empowers us to do and be.

Grace empowered Paul the apostle to carry out his ministry (1 Cor 15:10)

      But whatever I am now,  It is all because God poured out His special favour on me - and not without results.  For I have worked harder than any of the other apostles; yet it was not I, but God who was working through me by His grace.

   Grace enables us to resist evil desires.

(James 4:6) But He gives us even more grace to stand against such evil desires. As the Scriptures say , "God opposes the proud but favours the humble.

   Grace teaches us to deny ungodliness.

(Titus 2:11-12)  For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world.

  It is by grace that we serve God acceptably.

(Hebrews 12:28) Wherefore we receiving a kingdom which cannot be moved, let us have grace, whereby we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear.


   Grace is all we need to overcome the weakness of the flesh.

(2 Cor 12:8-9) Three times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness"  So now I am glad to boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

   Grace and holiness are not opposites that need to be balanced.  Grace is the power to live in holiness.

(Psalm 142:10) Teach me to do your will, for you are my God.  May Your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.

   The Holy Spirit within you helps you fight to resist the temptations around you.

(Gal 5:16-18) So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you wont be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses.



   You are not left alone to fight the battle against then flesh.  I love the way that King David cried out to God for help against his own flesh.

(Psalm 141:3-4)  Take control of what I say, O Lord, and guard my lips. Don't let me drift toward evil or take part in acts of wickedness.  Don't let me share in the delicacies of those who do wrong.

(Psalm39:8) Rescue me from my rebellion. Do not let fools mock me.

   When you understand the true nature of grace, you avoid the extremes of legalism and liberalism.  Legalism says that your salvation depends on you works. The Scripture clearly refutes legalism : -

(Eph2:8) God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God


   And liberalism tells us that we can live however we want without consequences. The Scripture clearly refutes liberalism too :-

(Jude `1:4) I say this because some ungodly people have wormed their way into your churches, saying that God's marvellous grace allows us to live immoral lives.  The condemnation of such people was recorded long ago, for they have denied our Master and Lord, Jesus Christ.


   Grace is the balance. Grace is God working in us to accomplish His own will. Grace is freedom from sin.

(Romans 6:14) Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead you live under the freedom of God's grace.

   We dont walk in holiness to receive salvation; we walk in holiness as a result of salvation.

   But how have we received this grace?  How are we empowered? We are empowered by the Holy Spirit within us.

   The Spirit of grace lives within you.  He enables you to live in holiness.  He enables you to live free of sin's dominance.  The Holy Spirit weakens your flesh and strengthens your desire to do God's will.

(Gal 5:16)  So I say to you, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives.  Then you wont be doing what your sinful nature craves.

   The key to overcoming the flesh is not willpower, discipline, or self-loathing.  The key to overcoming the flesh
 is surrendering to the Spirit of grace.  Recognize that it's not your power; it's His.

  When temptation pulls on the desires of your flesh, call upon the Holy Spirit. Stop what you are doing, look upward, and say"Help me Holy Spirit.  I'm in trouble.  Spirit of grace, give me the power to resist this." And dont stop calling upon Him until the ungodly desire wanes.  You dont have to fight the flesh on your own.  You're not powerless to live the will of God.  You can live your life to the glory of God because you have grace within you.  The same Spirit who showed you salvation and drew you to salvation, is the same spirit who will help you to live in salvation.  And He will empower you to do much more.

   He is the Spirit of Grace.


End of quote! - Hope there are no "typos" in the above!
« Last Edit: Mon Feb 11, 2019 - 02:53:49 by Dave_UK »

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Re: Struggling with Sexual Desire
« Reply #4 on: Sat Feb 09, 2019 - 02:41:08 »



Offline kjp082278

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Re: Struggling with Sexual Desire
« Reply #5 on: Sat Feb 09, 2019 - 08:03:26 »
Thank you for the helpful biblical readings.  I want to accept the grace of God.  I know it's the only gift that is going to save me.  It's very hard to fight temptation, especially in today's world.  I ask God how can I reject the feelings I'm having, when there is the constant void of physical female companionship, especially because I'm married?  I fear hell and I use that to fight the temptation.  I know our life here is nothing compared to eternity and want to accept the grace of God and the belief in Jesus to be my salvation.  My other great fear though is what if I screw up with this issue in the future, even once.  Maybe, I would not physically act out the sin again but thoughts could still come into my mind, which is not easy to control.  I know I would have to repent but how many times could I lose control of my thoughts and it wouldn't matter how much more I repented?  I believe in Jesus Christ and accept him as my Savior and pray for the strength to fight these temptations.   

Offline Dave_UK

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Re: Struggling with Sexual Desire
« Reply #6 on: Sun Feb 10, 2019 - 03:14:49 »
Hi "kjp082278"!

I've finished modifying my reply above - quote job now finished!  I would really like you to look at the "bolded" last few lines from David's chapter - particularly the portion I have "highlighted" in green!

If you look at some of my other replies to topics in this section of the forum, and also in the "sexual" sub-forum.  You will immediately see that I too have grave problems. - Yet despite it all - "Love covers a multitude of sins!" - His merciful, gracious love is beyond all measure.  Whenever you "fall" (as sadly we are so wont) go straight to Him - confess and seek His fellowship again.  I know for sure He will welcome you back - our failings are "water under the bridge" - and His simple words "Up! Let us go forwards!" that Jesus spoke at the end of the Last Supper Discourse in John's Gospel, before making His way to Gethsemane - those few words set our attitude and direction!

If you are blessed in "hearing" His "still small voice", of the indwelling Holy Spirit - you may be comforted to hear within your mind words similar to those I "heard" after a "fall" - "You do not surprise Me, I know you!".  You know the Scripture "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just, and will forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.".  I take comfort from those simple words I "heard", for at the Judgement (the separation of "sheep" and "goats"!) -  words may be spoken "Depart from Me you workers of iniquity - for I never knew you.".  He knows us, through it all!

It is no great surprise, that in my being so very far from the Lord's goal for us - that one of my favourite songs/hymns" is :-

"How deep the Father's love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure."


The last verse ends with the touching lines - (hot tears roll down my cheeks as I type this!) : -

"But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom."


It may come as a shock to some - but we Christians are never alone - we are living in a fellowship with the Holy Spirit - "He in us and we in Him"!  I know we too often fail by "pleasing ourselves" - but if we "keep close to the Shepherd".  He will correct and guide us - so don't be surprised when the "still small voice" draws you away from your own self-pleasing choices!

There is one point of importance to be aware of!  If we continue to "fall" into sin without bringing our failing to the Lord and asking for His forgiveness and help to turn away from what grieves Him - then we cannot be surprised if the "still small voice" becomes ever fainter - muted by our own determination to please ourselves! If we do not "regard evil in our hearts", then He will patiently hear us! The answer lies in submitting to His leadership - He knows what is best for us, in all circumstances.  Things may not go the way we hope - but we just have to remember, as the old song says "Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus - but to trust and obey!"

"God-be-with-you" brother, and help you to do what is right in His eyes!

« Last Edit: Tue Feb 12, 2019 - 02:45:12 by Dave_UK »

Offline Dave_UK

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Re: Struggling with Sexual Desire
« Reply #7 on: Tue Feb 12, 2019 - 01:51:55 »
On the business of repeating our prayers - as suggested by David Hernandez in the tail-end of the quote I typed in my earlier post!

  Please do not casually dismiss this idea - see Luke 18 first 8 verses, in which Jesus tells the parable of the "unjust judge" persistently badgered by a widow seeking redress over some matter.

 I once read an old classic book by the Bennets in which this earnest repetition of prayer was convincingly advocated.  I have used it in the past over relatively minor health problems of my family and self - with success!  The Lord graciously helped us through our difficulties.  I cannot remember the full details, but a "template" for such prayer might take the form : -

   DEAR LORD! - I HAVE ACCEPTED YOUR LOVING GIFT OF <specify your need> FOR <myself, or on the behalf of some other person> FOR HEALING AND WHOLENESS.  AND I CONTINUE TO AFFIRM IT BY FAITH, SO THAT IT WILL BECOME WHAT <I, or the other person>  HAVE "BY SIGHT".  THANK YOU FATHER, IN JESUS NAME. AMEN!


 Note in that simple "template" above, the expression of gratitude for something not yet realized, and of the faith that it will be realized, because of the Lord's concern for us.  The purpose of your repetitions is to show the Lord that you truly mean business, and are looking to Him for help!!!

   I would also draw your attention to 1 John 5:14-15 : -

      "We can approach God with confidence for this reason: if we make requests which accord with His will He listens to us; and if we know that our requests are heard, we know also that the things we ask are ours."  (NEB)


IMO any prayer repetitions need to be vocalized to ourselves quietly, almost "under the breath"  - it is between Him and us!  I don't think there is much value in just "thinking" through a prayer - we have to go through the lip, tongue and vocal chord actions.  For variety in your repetitions - try putting the emphasis on different words of your prayer.  How often to do it?  That's up to you!  When can you stop?  When the Indwelling Spirit indicates that your request has been heard and accepted - you can then "rest" and trust in Him!
« Last Edit: Tue Feb 12, 2019 - 02:58:36 by Dave_UK »

Offline Ohan

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Re: Struggling with Sexual Desire
« Reply #8 on: Sun Feb 17, 2019 - 18:55:26 »
Self grad ~ You know I think that is between the three of you ~ counting the Lord ~ and no one else has to know ~ God love you brother ~ take care of the wife as you are doing ~ the Lord is with you  ```

Lord take care of these ~ your children ~ please help and protect them ```

Offline kjp082278

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Re: Struggling with Sexual Desire
« Reply #9 on: Sun Feb 17, 2019 - 22:23:23 »
Thank you very much for your prayer and kind words.  We will be looking even more to God for help and leave it to him for answers.