5 and a half years and still not married - Advice please

[Leigh]

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 and a half years now, and he still hasn't asked me to marry him. He knows that I want to get married

We have been living together for 3 years (I am a reborn Christian and would not have moved in with him if I had, had the faith then that I have now)

I guess I have two main questions

1) Is it ok to live together if we are not 'living in sin'?
2) Is the relationship going no where as we are not married after so long and there is no proposal on the horizon?

Alll of your comments and advice are greatly appreciated. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask

[JohnDB]

I got a question...

do the two of you have any children or do you or he have a child that looks at the other one in a parental role?

[Leigh]

Neither of us has any children.

[son of God]

A few thoughts here.  Marriage liscences aren't necessary to be married.  Sound far fetched?  For thousands of years they've not been required, right?  But what was required for a couple to be considered married?  "official" recognistion by society that they are married.  Ceremonies might follow, or not, depending on the society.  Usually do, though.  So what does our society hold?  Perhaps it would be prudent to conform, so as to not create a problem, both for yourselves and others who know of you.  Even without the licenses, in our society we have our union registered legally at the courthouse.  All you need to do is write a statement that you are husband and wife, have it signed, and turn it in.  You are then legally married.  Thus, by the standard of the authorities instituted by God for our wellbeing, we are not married in the eyes of the law until that happens.  Hence the conclusion that without that legal standing, you are not married.  Thus, living in sin.  God says don't do that, which you know.  So either get married, or leave him.  Not many choices here, are there?

If after 5.5 years he still doesn't want to marry you, there is a serious issue (or more) that will raise it's vile head later on -- or there wouldn't be the problem now!  And if you think that it will be resolved just fine in the future, you have your head in the sand, because he would have resolved it already if he was going to -- and you've tried for quite some time now, right?  Once married, the person considers the relationship "safer" than before marriage, so where's the impetus or leverage for him to change after you're married?!!!

I don't know how else to say it, and hope that this doens't sound harsh or something, but there's a famous saying that I think fits the situation, and would give you insight as to your course in this situation: wake up and smell the coffee.

Guys know guys better than gals do: either he goes for it, or you leave him.  And if he goes for it under "duress", he has a cop out in the future.  It's thin ice you're treading on, and if you remain with the ice, you will fall through and drown.

Sorry, but that's how I see it.  And I've been around a bit.

[Leigh]

Thank you Son Of God.

I think that if I am being totally honest that is what I have been telling myself. I guess I needed to someone to post it on here to reaffirm it for me.

[JohnDB]

I guess it is going to be a question to you of what is more important to you.

God...or him.

I ain't saying leave him...I would rather see you two in a happy and healthy marriage.

And I think that is what you would ultimately really like to have as well. But most likely as a result of your pressuring him in ways that he seen as nagging or disrespectful he has said something or done something that made you come on here and post this thread...Maybe that wasn't the initial cause of his actions...but either way something is making you question the relationship that you are having with him...

You are either looking for justification for leaving him or continuing on with status quo or looking for strength to pressure him some more.

Ignore the pic...I am an old guy who does know a little something about womens...
More of that blonde is grey than what the pic shows...but don't tell nobody eh? LOL

The reason I say that it is a question of what is more important is that I don't have to tell you that this lifestyle is sin. You know that already. The problem began when you became a real Christian.  It requires an identity and set of behaviors that go along with that identity...and that is where the real root trouble lies.

Then there is the "life" issue. The one constant in this world is that nothing ever stays the same...

You can and might become pregnant. (yes, in spite of contraceptives it does happen...even for the "careful")

One of the two of you might get seriously hurt or killed in an accident. His family nor your family (while nice to you presently may not be really so kind) has to give the other one any insurance proceeds that the other one might really need to keep finances afloat in their world.

Where there might be a fear of divorce in his mind...and seemingly making marriage disposable, There is nothing so disposable as a live in girlfriend/boyfriend. A legally married spouse isn't so disposable as the position you are currently in.

Most churchs that I know will not let you have membership if you are not legally married but simply living with another person. This means that any service that you might want to render back to God aren't going to be allowed until you join and have membership there...and part of being a Christian is being all about giving...it is just a natural reaction...and one very difficult to not want to do. About the only thing you can give back is money...and money (except to the greedy) is about worthless.

Marriage means commitment before God. And if this guy is not a Christian I would be very hesitant to want to get married to him if I were you. Drag him to church if you think it will help...divorce really sucks...and most of the time it is because one of the two involved only played Christian instead of really wanting to be one.

I ain't there...only you can make this call. Use a lot of prudence and discernment before making any decision. I can appreciate the feelings of wanting to be married...it is good to be married. It isn't good for mankind to be alone. But simply choose your steps very wisely in this scene. It could work out great...like it did for one couple at my church...they finally got married and officially joined...but they are one of the very very few that it ever works out this way for.

Nobody wants a heartbreak...but sometimes it is a matter of damage control...a smaller heartbreak now or a huge one later with a lot of baggage to go along with it.

[chosenone]

In your place I would separate and see what happens. I would have given up waiting for him to ask me ages ago, but if you have been living together then why does he need to be married?, You are living as a married couple anyway, so why will he ever ask you?
You haven't actually said if you are still having sex but if you are then stop. If he still refuses to marry you then after all this time I think you will have to call it a day.
By the way I don't agree that you don't have to be legally married to be married as someone said,  you are either married or you are not and you aren't actually.
Its a sad situation but how long are you prepared to wait? I think if you separate and give him the chance to ask you then, you will know one way or another. Also is he a christian?If he isn't then you shouldn't be thinking of marrying him anyway.

[Lynette_g2000]

He does not need to marry you.  He has the benefits and none of the obligations now. 

If you seek the will of God in your life you will be asked to do some hard things and die to your own desires. 

God is not going to drag you out of there by your hair.  He will not force his will upon you either.  He is a gentleman who will only come where you invite him. 

Is living this way his highest and best?  No.  Will it hurt to get out of that? Most likely.  Is this THE MAN for you? Only God can tell that. 

You need to learn who you are in Christ and hold yourself to the standard that God has sent his son to give you. 

[inspired4him]

I don't think its right for both of you to live together, as it is not a good testimony to those without. How can a person explain to a non Christian that we live together but nothing happens?  I think it has a strong effect to taint your witness and just not worth it.

I have no idea why he has not asked the question, but l think your priority is t move out.

Overfamiliarity sometimes causes problems so move out and take it up from there.

[janine]

Decide what you want in your life, depending of course on whether or not God will allow what you want -- then go get it.

If you and Boyfriend have not done the legal things to merge your lives, then you don't have a marriage.  No, where you live, you might not need a "wedding" or even a "license".  If the law has regulations about what you two would need to do, legally, to separate your selves and your assets, then you are married as far as I'm concerned.

But if you guys have been together all that time, and not only have you not gotten a marriage license, but you've also not bought a house or car together, you have no joint financial assets -- then it's certainly not a marriage.  It's not even a partnership.

You know God's perfect way is not where you are now.  What you do with that is between you and God.

[babe]

The replies are showing you the clear direction you must go.  The question, really, is not what but how to do it.

I'm a man,  the nickname is for homeruns.  Here's your home run.

Tell him you've given up, there's nothing more to to it.  Tell him you've realized it's been wrong all along, and that now yhou're going to live consistent with the commandments of God.  Nothing else even matters.  Tell him you hope he will make the decision for God in his own life.  And say goodbye.

Leaving, and  keeping the door open, will not succeed.

You need strength to do it, and maybe a lot of support from a girlfriend or two,  or from a brother or sister, or  from the Christian ministry  where  you've  found some place (hopefully).  Few  people are strong enough to do this alone. 

" I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" is the thought to hold on to.  Nobody (notice I did not say "few" here). . . . . Nobody can make this change truely without God.  Oh yah, a lot of folks do it without God, but for them it's just a practical decision, not a faith decision. 

The homerun here is to make it a faith decision.

A lot of folks in here are offering you sweet compassionate understanding.  Feed on it.  Make and keep  friends like these.

If you do it this way,  you will avoid placing him on the spot to make a decision he is not prepared to make.  That is, in fact, a huge kindness and an act of compassion on your part.

If he will, he might re-think his life and make the decision for Christ.  If he does, and comes around to tell you about it, take it slow.  Ask him if it's for God or for you, and plead with him not to do it forf anyone but God.

If you later see clearly he has made the clear decision for Christ on his own, and he is respectful towards you (not pressuring you), you might tell him then that you'd like to start over, like a first date, and follow the  rules. 

Tune in to Dr. Laura and listen to her for a few months. 

Consider getting some counselling help to address why you haven't valued yourself and respected yourself enough to stand up for  your own interests.

The little debate in here over legal technicalities is not helpful, really.  When it comes to legal issues everyone  should really just nail it down right in every possible respect and from every angle from the start.  The reason we have laws is to protect people in their persons and property.

So look for the real deal, and make sure of it.

Don't give up your bargaining position before the committment is legally real.  And spirtually real.

Sorry if this sounds  harsh or anything.  You're a sweet person, it's clear, and precious in God's sight, and should be precious in your husband's eyes too.

Don't settle for less. 

I really think this is the greatest kindness anyone can do for you, to be supportive of everything you ultimately deserve.