Break up or get engaged? Reasonable thought? So confused...

[amberliv]

My boyfriend and i have been dating 5 months. I'm a single mom of a 3 1/2 year old so it makes things a little harder, but he is great with her. He loves us both.

I'm ready for marriage...I "know" and I thought he "knew" but he seems like he's confused. One day he knows the next he's scared.

He calls me his best friend, he says he could never imagine me walking out of his life. He tells me how he knows where God is bringing this relationship, and its very evident....and When breaking up is mentioned its quickly dismissed because it just doesn't seem like what God is doing in our relationship. It seems like he's moving us towards marriage.

But he's so scared. Scared of change....scared of being a dad and husband...And it hurts me. I feel like he wants to keep me and wants me to never leave but he's not "sure" if I'm the one or at least that he's ready to marry me. And God has confirmed so many things for us it almost makes me resentful like he just doesn't want to accept it.

Any words of advice for me? I'm trying to be patient, but sometimes it hurts. Is it right for me to "know" and be ready for engagement and for him not to be ready yet? It seems like a painful way to go about things. Maybe its just me? Then I think if he doesn't "know" then maybe I'm not the one for him? I'm so confused. I draw near to the Lord and all I hear is be patient but its so hard.

[Nathanael]

Hi and welcome to the forum :)

I think perhaps that 5 months is not that long, have you been able to spend plenty of time with each other getting to know one another well? I understand it being difficult for you but its a good thing that your boyfriend is reflecting on it and wanting to be sure, marriage is for the rest of your lives. Your child needs someone who is going to stay around for the duration too, so its good that he is scared in a sense, it may be a symptom of how serious he is recognising the commitment, rather than anything about you. Marriage is a big big step, especially when there are children from a previous relationship, more so if he has not been married before and does not have children. I would say 'patience' is the key for you just now. sorry I can't offer you a magic answer. I do hope it all works out for you both and for your little one.

[chosenone]

I agree with Nathanael to a large extent. I don't know how old you both are, but for many, 5 months is very quick to be ready to marry.This is especially true when there is a child involved. Give it time and stop any pressure.
After say, a year, he may well feel differently, but there is always the possibility that God is not giving him the peace about this, and that he isn't the one for you, but only time will tell. I would just stop pressuring him,stop talking about getting married, just get to know each other more, and enjoy just going out, and pray for clear direction.

 My son and his fiance went out for 18 months before they got engaged. Theres no hurry and the last think that you want is to make a big mistake. He will ask you if, and when, he is ready.

[amberliv]

Thanks for the responses. Honestly I just need prayer. I think I have a lot of baggage because I can't fugue out why else I'm having such a hard time with patience. I'm having  hard time with this stuff. I honestly feel like running away hard and fast. I'm struggling and I'm ready to give up. He's the greatest man of God I can imagine for us, and he's my best friend. And I feel like all my emotions are going to cause me to lose him. Please just pray for me if you can. Thanks everyone.

[comfy]

So, Amber you are not perfect; so "possibly" you can't be perfectly sure.

However . . . we need to grow more so we can do things with God without getting confused and impatient and afraid (1 John 4:18).

Grow to get better with God, for a while, and grow so you are better in loving any and all people like Jesus wants > Matthew 5:46.

And if you are growing in God's love with each other, you will see how your relating improves, then see how God satisfies and guides you in His peace. As you grow in God's love, God will give your personality a major makeover about things that you want; so be open.

"For God is not the author of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints." (1 Corinthians 14:33)

"But God has called us to peace." (in 1 Corinthians 7:15)

Yes, Amber, it is possible for emotions to break a relationship. So, we need to deal with this, "with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

To me, personally, "all lowliness and gentleness" includes emotional gentleness and humble emotions, not driving and won't-take-no-for-an-answer passions and possessive reacting and angry blowups. Jesus says about how He is in His love, "I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (in Matthew 11:29)

So - - - by getting into Jesus Christ's way of loving . . . right now, whether you marry him or not, you two can get into the very best of what is in God's kind of marriage, by getting more into His love's "all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering" "rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." (1 Peter 3:4)

But in case someone does not belong with someone else, and God does know this . . . it is good to be putting God first so we deal with this calmly and being pleased to be honest with God. If we don't belong with someone, He is not going to make us deeply emotionally sound for what He does not want. His love will make you better and better so you are doing everything "without complaining and disputing" (in Philippians 2:14). So, trust God, test honestly with peace, and enjoy finding out how good His will for you is.

[amberliv]

Thank you so much! We actually had a tense day today...i went to church and came home, when he called I didn't even want to argue but all I could do was talk about the cool time I had with the Lord. God puts everything back into perspective. So what you say makes perfect sense. I've already gotten that confirmation from the Lord, so thank you for reminding me of where my focus needs to be. I guess I just always thought things would be easier than this. But I was never intended to be a single mom either which complicates emotions. I am blessed with a great boyfriend. I just gotta relax and spend good quality time in the presence of Jesus as often as I can.
All your words spoke life into my situation and confirmed what I've already experienced so thank you so much for your faithfulness. I am encouraged, and would so appreciate prayers! :)

[Seva]

waiting is fine, but that means "waiting" for everything. don't give into sexual temptation. It will ruin things later on. Do it by the Book this time.

You've probably heard this before. My 21 yr old daughter gets tired of me preaching to her. but it's said in love.

blessings

[Nathanael]

Well done Amber, you wont go far wrong if you continue in your present determination to be patient and be in fellowship with God. will be praying that you can put into practice those things chosen and comfy outlined so well.

[Apothecary 4 Christ]

Hi amberliv,

Just another thought...

Are there any things about your relationship that still need attention "before" you move too quickly into marriage? 

Things like:

Some good premarital counseling (or a plan to get this)
Membership in a solid local church where you will both faithfully attend after marriage too
Finances reasonably in order
Past relationships fully discussed

I just mention these things because, maybe, the Lord is delaying your marriage until other things in your lives are addressed??

Just a thought.

If EVERYTHING is in order...and you both are committed to purity in your relationship right now...then it shouldn't be long before this guy realizes what a gem he has found and he gets over some of his expressed fears.

May the Lord bless you both!!

Jason

[comfy]

I would say trust is part of loving.

On the Net, I have read of one who will say she does not dare to talk about something with someone she "loves" so much. But if you love someone, truly, with security of God's love and good sense (Philippians 1:9, Hebrews 5:13-14, 1 Corinthians 13:11), I believe you will have trust so you can talk about whatever you need to deal with.

So, if you are not sure . . . do not push something, but pray and wait for how God makes things clear. God makes things clear in His peace, not in arguing

He will make you both sure, if you are obeying Him in His love. He will make sure you get together on whatever He believes in for you. But if He does not believe in something for you, He won't bless you with peace and security to do what He does not agree with.

So, trusting God is even more important > "casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)