Double Standard Love

[divabylaw]

Double standard love may be an oxymoron considering the biblical attributes of love; however, this is an aspect of relationships (be it platonic or otherwise) to which I say I am allergic. Just the same, I am curious to know if I am being petty because many people consider double standards as normal.

There is one in particular where one mate freely visits frends of the opposite sex, but questions the mate who may also visit friends of the opposite. The impasse occurs when the mate who questions is offended and defensive against any attempt to simply talk about the issue.

Mind you, no accusations are made, but the intent to discuss is taken as an implication of being accused of cheating. Seeing that communication is key to a healthy relationship, there is conern this double-standard-discomfort will be the thorn of the relationship.

In light of an old saying, "everybody tolerates something in a relationship," I would like another viewpoint before making my decision to set aside the issue.

[fassopony]

I'm not married but that would be a deal breaker for me.  Marriage is a choice to promise to love and uphold someone during their life.  Visiting other gals by himself?  That also is a choice.  Not being understanding of why this would bother you?  Another (selfish) choice.

I would choose to be with a guy who loved and honored me not demanded or expected time with other females :)

I love group outings anyway, mixed couples and singles tearing up the town!  Why the need to go solo, KWIM??

[divabylaw]

I like group outings myself. I even understand him hanging out with the guys, but I do not like the idea of him not being willing to hear my thoughts, let alone empathize at all. I am not one to pretend something does not bother me for the sake of being able to say I have a man. Your response shed light I am not being unreasonable.

[fassopony]

I hope he has male Christian friends who know that spending time alone with the opposite sex can bring trouble.  These friends will help him so much!

If all his guy friends are not Christian, well, that is going to be a long road.

Don't settle!  God wants you to be holy, not happy at all costs!

Can you imagine sitting home waiting for your dear hubbie who is late 'cause he's out frolicking with Jane, Sally, etc?  Uh, NO WAY for me LOL!!  *shudder*

[Lavender]

I hope he has male Christian friends who know that spending time alone with the opposite sex can bring trouble.  These friends will help him so much!

If all his guy friends are not Christian, well, that is going to be a long road.

Don't settle!  God wants you to be holy, not happy at all costs!

Can you imagine sitting home waiting for your dear hubbie who is late 'cause he's out frolicking with Jane, Sally, etc?  Uh, NO WAY for me LOL!!  *shudder*

In my opinion, fassopony is right on the money.  To me, her attitude is a breath of fresh air, as I have stated before.  I believe too many women today are too eager to jump into matrimony out of desperation for a husband for whatever reasons.  Fassopony says don't settle.  She is so right and wise.  She's a lady with her eyes wide open and her brain definitely in gear. 

[divabylaw]

I doubt his friends can persuade him. Though he thinks highly of his pastor, I am sure he will not divulge this matter to him. I can't imagine my happy-ever-after being part of a make-shift harem.

[divabylaw]

Lavender, this time my eyes are wide open. Deprogrammimg from societal influence is a challenge. I wanted to get objective thought on it because my patience will just prolong the matter.

[chosenone]

if he thinks that something is ok for him but not for you, that is a red flag to start with. If hasnt got appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex that is another.

[divabylaw]

Chosenone, it's a red flag with sirens and flashing lights. I know. This particular double-standard only came to light within a month of our one year anniversary. Had it happened earlier, it would be easier to walk away. If it seems he has no intention of finishing the business of this issue, I will take steps to wean myself from him. I've been stalling because we have so much in common. We love the simple things like what I call private mini-concerts where we share favorite music, write poetry, play board games, but not wanting to discuss the double-standard has placed me back into a guarded mode.

[chosenone]

If he refuses to talk about something so important,  that doesn't bode well for any marriage either.

[divabylaw]

And there's the rub. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life with someone who refuses to discuss what matters to me; and then, expects me to accept being disregarded, let alone disrespected.

[DaveW]

And there's the rub. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life with someone who refuses to discuss what matters to me; and then, expects me to accept being disregarded, let alone disrespected.

That is just plain selfish.

[divabylaw]

DaveW, the oddest aspect is he called me spoiled and selfish. I never tried to change a man, but I did wait (too long) for change to come in my marriage.

[graciemay]

What's good for the goose and is not for the gander is a load of hooey!

In all seriousness, there shouldn't be a double standard. It's not acceptable and should not be tolerated.

I just want to put this out there. As someone who has attached male friends (I'm single), sometimes friends of the opposite sex really are just friends. It is possible. So, there may be nothing going on. But that's besides the point. The issue here is the fact that he doesn't respect how you feel. You may have a lot in common and I'm sure he has other wonderful attributes but you have to weigh it out. His lack of regard for how you feel is a big problem you can't afford to ignore and outweighs the other stuff. This is a problem that will not get better. If you were to spend the rest of your life with him, it would become a reoccurring theme in your relationship. You don't deserve that.

[divabylaw]

Graciemay, I believe it is possible for the opposite sex to be just friends. I really do not believe he has another interest. If he does, it may explain why he made remarks saying I did not keep the pace of texting or calling when in company of my male friends.

After explaining I didn't want to be rude, I made a point to text and call. However, I wanted to discuss to find out why he did not want me to expect the same from him when he slacked up calling while visiting his female friends. I asked how many times did I confront him about his impromptu outings. He could only answer that I never did.

Anyway, though it is the only issue we have, I wanted to hear what other people had to say to see if I was overreacting to a matter that could possibly be overlooked. I have made a decision how to handle it.

Thank you for taking time to read and respond. Geese, ganders, and ducks. I wonder if it looks like a goose and acts like a goose ... is the same rule that applies to ducks?