getting past trust issues

[AshleighNA]

Every time I have the chance to be with someone I go into some kind of defense mode where I avoid the person, stop showing interest, and eventually lose interest. It's not that I mean too. It's like a subconscious thing. Only thing I can figure is that I just stop myself from getting hurt. That, or I have some pretty hardcore commitment issues to where I don't even try.

I've tried ignoring it but it's impossible.


How could I possibly get over this?

[larry2]

Dear Sister AshleighNA, it's sure good to see you here again. I'm not sure if you're looking in this direction, but I'm posting a series of a study on "Principles of Godly Courtship" on the "Marriage Forum" that may be of great gain to you.

The following link starts with the first CD of six in the series, and at the end there are links to subsequent CD's. So far I've only posted three of the six CD's so as to not crowd the page too much. I hope they are of benefit to you in Jesus' name.

Part One - http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/principles-of-godly-courtship-cd-1-of-6/

[AshleighNA]

Dear Sister AshleighNA, it's sure good to see you here again. I'm not sure if you're looking in this direction, but I'm posting a series of a study on "Principles of Godly Courtship" on the "Marriage Forum" that may be of great gain to you.

The following link starts with the first CD of six in the series, and at the end there are links to subsequent CD's. So far I've only posted three of the six CD's so as to not crowd the page too much. I hope they are of benefit to you in Jesus' name.

Part One - http://www.gracecentered.com/christian_forums/christian-marriage-forum/principles-of-godly-courtship-cd-1-of-6/

Thanks, Larry2! I'll be sure to read it 

[Nathanael]

Hi..I don't know how old you are but maybe you are not ready for the commitment of a serious relationship? It may be that you need to meet the right person who inspires confidence and trust in you, and reach the point where you are ready to be committed to dating someone long-term.

If its down to fears of being hurt, then thats something you have to resist. We can have baggage that makes us pull back before we get hurt. The person could be totally reliable, but our own mind and emotions impose thoughts about them letting us down, due to self esteem issues or past rejections.

You have to choose to recognise its inner fears and not the other person, and be brave enough to risk hurt. Ultimatley all human relationships have an element of risk, we can not know the future. But we can strive to use Godly wisdom in choosing whom we risk to trust with our heart.

[AshleighNA]

Hi..I don't know how old you are but maybe you are not ready for the commitment of a serious relationship? It may be that you need to meet the right person who inspires confidence and trust in you, and reach the point where you are ready to be committed to dating someone long-term.

If its down to fears of being hurt, then thats something you have to resist. We can have baggage that makes us pull back before we get hurt. The person could be totally reliable, but our own mind and emotions impose thoughts about them letting us down, due to self esteem issues or past rejections.

You have to choose to recognise its inner fears and not the other person, and be brave enough to risk hurt. Ultimatley all human relationships have an element of risk, we can not know the future. But we can strive to use Godly wisdom in choosing whom we risk to trust with our heart.

Everyone let's me down lol. It's nothing new but doesn't get any better or feel any better any time someone does.

I don't beleive I'll meet any guy that won't hurt me. All relationships have ups and downs it's a matter of me getting rejected, heart broke, and left feeling like I'm nothing. It's happened to me so many times even by my family members and friends that I can't seem to let anyone in.

I want a serious relationship. My trust issues and fears are holding me back. I can't get around them. I just shut down lol.

[amberliv]

I can relate to you. The only solution I have found is to draw near to the Lord during the hard times. Its all we can do. Maybe some counseling would also help you?

[Apothecary 4 Christ]

Every time I have the chance to be with someone I go into some kind of defense mode where I avoid the person, stop showing interest, and eventually lose interest. It's not that I mean too. It's like a subconscious thing. Only thing I can figure is that I just stop myself from getting hurt. That, or I have some pretty hardcore commitment issues to where I don't even try.

I've tried ignoring it but it's impossible.


How could I possibly get over this?

Hi AshleighNA,

I really don't know you or the details of your experiences.  It must be very frustrating for you.  It sounds like you have tried to get over this, but have not been successful.  I could tell you a few things.  These apply to all sorts of problems, but I think they are particularly relevant for what you describe.


1) It sounds like you have developed a bad habit.  A pattern.  It repeats itself, and you have actually practiced repeating this for some time.  So......be aware...habits take a little time to break.  But they CAN be broken!  ANY pattern of behavior can be broken.  ANY! 

You must believe this.  Christ can change ANYONE.  A Christian can never say "never."  The Bible says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

2) What you are describing as a "defense mode" and "avoid the person" is really, to be frank, a lack of love.  You will change this habit much faster if you just call it what it is.  I know it sounds harsh.  But by withdrawing and defending yourself you are not able to show Biblical love to someone.  Love is the greatest commandment.  So focus on showing love to others, and especially when you feel yourself drawing away.  Read I Corinthians 13.  Memorize it.  Do it.  Keep a list of "loving things" you can do for others.  Do them.  Keep track.  Write them down. 

And make careful note of when you find yourself drawing back from someone.  Try to see if certain things are provoking this.  Avoid them if possible.

You will need to make this a matter of earnest prayer, and I would also suggest asking a friend to pray for you too. 

But you CAN change...that is my big point here. 

Blessings,
Jason

[Nathanael]

Wise words Jason.

Ashleigh, I do understand that feeling of inevitable rejection. Wounds from how people have treated can and do shape how we act and react to people we are seeking to grow close to and build a romantic relationship with, and even friendships too.

All I can say it to repeat the advice, as someone who has had immense rejection from girlfirends and then my wife, is that you learn to recognise which is operating between these two places;

- when its those old wounds triggering fears, and not due to specific behaviour of the other person

- when its common sense caution because of the other persons behaviour, eg; boyfriend flirts with another girl, or consistently does not contact you at a time they said they would..etc

Walk with the Lord, as Jason says, walk in love for everyone around you, guard your heart romantically until the person proves over time that they are true. Boats are made for open water, not the harbour. We can never fully know what someone else may do in future, but we can navigate away from obvious storms and steer towards blue skies. Don't let thoughts of storm clouds that may never come into those blue skies (there are people around who remain true for always) make you flee to the harbour and tie yourself to the quay wall forever ! :) be brave little one !