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Author Topic: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?  (Read 4727 times)

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Offline saintsfan80

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help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« on: September 11, 2011, 09:26:22 PM »
hello everyone..new here...anyways i have been in a relationship with a woman for going on 3 yrs now..we actually broke up last year but remained "friends" and still go out usually once a week......well..ever since we broke up i understood it to bethat we were gonna be just friends and see what happens....but this year she started to see this guy and i got insanely upset and jealous..i didnt expect myself to respond that way..it surprised me..i begin to question if i still had deep feelings forher.....she constantly has told me that i destroyed our relationship,etc...that neither of us will ever find a love like that again...etc etc.....during the time we dated neither of us were close to God..He wasnt in our relationship at all.....we had sex nearly everyday....i would feel really guilty for it to the point i felt so far from God and so sinful it was hurting......i tried to put a stop to it but just couldnt ...all the while in the relationship i began to have my doubts as to us working out in the future......i did my share of wrongs...flirting behind her back..lies,etc..that caused alot of pain......when we broke up i wanted to really start focusing on my relationship w/God....finding a church home..etc.....getting in the Word......but now since we have been talking again all the confusion is back and i dont know what to do and i feel far from God again because we have had sex a couple times lately....im depressed,stressed,confused ,filled with guilt and shame for things ive done.....not sure if God is wanting me to go back to her or not to .... i get insanely jealous when she starts to try to move forward..yet i cant bring myself to committ and question whether or not it is the right thing to do ..i just dont want to make the wrong decision....i feel far from God and do not like that cuz i was feeling close to Him until i got back into confusion.....any advice ??

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help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« on: September 11, 2011, 09:26:22 PM »

Offline livingforhim

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2011, 08:50:57 PM »
Hey there :-) that must have taken a lot to write down, you're obviously really struggling with this. You say a couple of times that you feel far from God, especially when you're having sex with this girl. That's really a self-answering problem. Unless you feel ready to propose to this girl and marry her, you really need to stay away. Sometimes we might think it's a great idea to try and stay friends with our exes, but intense relationships like the one you've described is not really a basis for a good friendship.

You're right that you ignored God in your relationship because of sleeping together etc. Surely this shows you that it might be a better idea to try and move on. You were heading in the right direction in wanting to find a church and delve into His Word, but you can't do that with this girl around.

"im depressed,stressed,confused ,filled with guilt and shame for things ive done....." then this girl is not right for you, maybe God has given you these emotions because deep down you have to know it's not the right relationship. People say stay away from temptation which is of course true. This girl is your ultimate temptation and you need to pray for the strength to get past this.

Does any of this sound ok to you? I have been there, trying to kid myself that God just wants us to be happy, here's this guy who says he loves me and we have a great time together but it wasn't a healthy relationship, God wasn't at its centre and that's just wrong.

So...my advice is to pray, seek His strength and grace and read His Word, His girft to us.

 ::smile::

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2011, 08:50:57 PM »

Offline contactdaniel24

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2011, 06:02:03 PM »
Move on dude. It sounds like the relationship did work for a reason. Sounds like you got jealous cause you think she is the best you can do. My advice, cut it off completely and go out and date A LOT. You can't depend on anyone, but God to make you happy. She won't, because she is human and imperfect. I encourage you to man up and realize that maybe there is a more grounded, beautiful, and mature women out there. If she is seeing another guy, then you should go see another girl. And not just to make her jealous. You will find love again, but a inter-dependent love that does rely on another person to survive. I used to sound like you, now I realized that there are a lot of great girls out there. I can't stand it when people say, "one day you'll find that ONE special girl." Get that out of your head, you can have a healthy relationship with many women out there. Right now girls out number the guys on Earth, so stop worrying about one girl. Trust me... she is not that special. You just think she is because perhaps you've been viewing relationship incorrectly.

If I told you that you and I were going to be locked into a warehouse for 5 days, with 100 people, and we only get 5 bananas each to sustain us for those 5 days... would you share? (no) Because everyone got 5 each, and I will need it to be sustained for being locked in for 5 days.

Now, what if just me and you were locked into a warehouse for 2 days, and we had 6,000 bananas each. Would you care if I took one? No, right (of course not) This is what my world is like. Their are millions of women on this Earth, and I'm not going to get sad and lonely over one.

God created you to be a man, so start acting like it. Start being the man you want, and not the one you think everyone says you should be. What women say they want is not want they respond too. Good luck man.

Offline saintsfan80

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2011, 06:05:04 PM »
it does make sense ... its not just the sexual temptation ..its that i cant seem to say no to her or even have the guts to explain how wrong it is...and im always scared shes gonna go off on me or get mad at me. ..... we have these fights and im so mad and i wanna just ignore her and walk away and turn off my phone....then the next day she apologizes and is so sincere and even gets upset and i just wanna give her a hug..i keep getting pulled back and forth both directions ..its wearing me out

she even mentioned we should get back together and try and grow in our faith together .... but i dunno if that would work at this point

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2011, 06:05:04 PM »
Pinterest: GraceCentered.com

Offline contactdaniel24

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2011, 06:19:18 PM »
You're "relationship" if that is what it is called sounds crappy and complicated. You sound weak, and that is not how God created you. Be strong, and do yourself and her a favor and cut it off. I promise this game will only continue. You need to man up and go date some other girls. I'm sure her apologizes sound sincere, but actions speak louder than words. You need to see yourself as a better, stronger man.

Do you think Gladiator or the king from 300 would be putting up with this nonsense. Love is a emotion that is considered insanity to many psychologist. True love flows from the mind. Your heart will tell you what you want to hear, your mind will tell you what you need to hear. Don't let her tool you. AND DON"T BE A VICTIM OF YOUR EMOTIONS.

I have nothing further to add other than I know exactly what you're experiencing. Believe me I do, I've been there. I had to handle this area of life; just like you know you have too. How you ask? Start dating other girls, and enjoy it. Step out of this lousy comfort zone and experience life in the uncomfortable scary places; which is where you true self will be tested.

Good luck.

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2011, 06:19:18 PM »



Offline saintsfan80

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2011, 07:28:44 PM »
thanks for the reply....it makes sense....problem is when we were real serious i did bad things behind her back..flirted,etc...lied about alot of things..it got craaazy...and i just feel like ive caused so much pain etc....i realize how wrong i was in doing those things and i am truly sorry for the pain i caused..YET that doesnt change the fact things are like this now with us

Offline butterflykisses96

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2011, 03:40:01 PM »
Let me start by saying all things are possible with God. If you have been with this girl for 3 years then I feel it safe to say that you both must love each other very much. Lots of Godly couples had sex before they were married and are now in happy godly marriages. Your sin does not mean that God will not bless your marriage. If the temptation is so great then why do you not marry her? I feel you should explain to her how you feel and if she truly loves you she will understand. If she is wanting to grow in her faith with you, sounds like maybe she is struggling with this also. All couples argue, so don't think you will ever find a perfect relationship with no arguing. The flirting and dishonesty you speak of, has she forgiven you for it? Have you shown her that you are truly sorry so that she will not feel insecure within the relationship with you? With Gods help and the two of you putting God in the center you can either salvage the relationship or realize it's time to move on. You have to decide what she is worth to you. If you truly love her I feel you should believe with some good Godly counseling and putting God in the center that your relationship could be a beautiful one. I hope things work out for the both of you.
God Bless both of you.

Offline bobby1luv

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2011, 09:01:36 PM »
I have made a couple of observations from your issue. You are experiencing a really sad situation but I want to say that I am happy about one thing; you know you have an issue at hand. Knowing you have a problem, they say, is half the solution.

In your story, you made mention of both of you being very far from God. That's sad but I want to say that all hope is not lost. We all have a past we are not proud of. I have some good news for you: you cannot go back in time and have a brand new start, but you can start now and be hopeful of a joyful ending.

Here are a few things you can do to make things better;

1. Rededicate your life to God by surrendering your whole life to Him.
2. Consider Isaiah 1:18 and Galatians 2:20
3. Get more into the Word by studying the Bible everyday.
4. Find a Bible believing Church and devote yourself to it by joining groups and participating in                     church programs.
5. Finally, you may find some useful tips in this article on "how to fix a complicated relationship: http://theyouthforjesus.blogspot.com/2011/07/how-to-fix-complicated-relationship.html"

Offline saintsfan80

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #8 on: September 16, 2011, 10:51:11 PM »
thanks for the info everyone .... now im a bit confused still becuz a couple of u say to try and fix things and some say to leave....guess i gotta just make up my mind...of course im struggling with anxiety and depression and its a bit difficult

Offline comfy

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2011, 07:13:48 PM »
I would say not to try now to decide to go all the way one way or the other, but first just get with God as well as you can. And see who you can share with who is mature and you trust this person or couple or people. Someone who knows you and even both of you would be good, and that one is a sound Christian whose example works for you >

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

Deal more with getting with God, first, before trying to figure out what to do > with God, we can have peace and a sound mind so we can think straight and feel things out right better.

And if this does not work well . . . keep at it. And as you get stronger and wiser, you always can change from things that were not right.

But I would not get alone with her. Stay with people you trust until you are clear.

Offline saintsfan80

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2011, 07:56:21 AM »
so you're saying basically to work on things with God right now..and to seek wisdom from GOdly ppl correct???

Offline comfy

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #11 on: September 19, 2011, 08:28:22 AM »
Yes. And being with someone who has your problem can multiply the problem. You both need to be with God and with people who are good examples. And, yes, I fail in this; so I need to confess to God however I know I have failed and keep trusting Him to make me better. Keep on seeking Him and seeking Him to make us honest about however we fail and get in messes. And we are praying for you and her and the ones God has as His good examples for you. It is not for do-it-yourself, but with ones you can tell are for real and encouraging but who do deal with how we can be wrong. We need to get over our wrong stuff but mainly seeking how we can be with God, instead. So, admit the failures, but keep the attention on how God is able to have us living all that He says in the New Testament, in His love making our character so this grows easier and stronger and better with growing, not just showing and trying.

By the way, if she just goes off with some other guy and has done this very quickly, instead she needs to get with God; because her character made her do wrong things with you, so her character can just get her in more trouble with someone else, instead of finding out how to love. Getting away from you needs to be so she can get with God, not just get with some other guy with problems. Like I offer > if we hang out mainly or only with people like ourselves, we can help each other to get more into our faults and failures and problems. We do not need to be guilt-tripping ourselves, but not be excusing things but have hope and prayer that God is able to have us doing much better.

Offline saintsfan80

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #12 on: September 19, 2011, 11:23:48 AM »
so you're saying since it sounds like we both have some of the same issues we should focus on God right now..not focus on getting back together or what not..right?

Offline Nyoka

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #13 on: September 19, 2011, 04:53:59 PM »
Comfy is correct.  All relationships should be God first, the other person second and me last.  If this is not happening with you both then you have some serious issues to sort out.  You may need time apart to get God first and then trust Him to sort the rest out.  But God must be first.  I am talking from  experience here as my husband and I had similar problems and we split up for about 8 years but in those eight years we each learnt to put God first and now we are back together with a stronger, deeper and sweeter relationship that you wouldn't believe.  I don't know if you will stay with this girl or not but I do know that if you don't put God first you will make the same mistakes in future relationships and end up with no one.

Offline saintsfan80

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Re: help with relationship..should i stay or leave?
« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2011, 12:43:21 PM »
man im getting totally confused .... its almost like i cant live without her....yet its like i dont really feel like i want to be committed right now ...im dealing with some spiritual depression,etc...and i just get easily stressed and want to be left alone alot.....its like i wont committ but it kills me if she says somethign like "maybe i should start dating someone else" orsomething .... i dunno what to do ....its my first relationship i had