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Offline dingmel

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Hi. New on the Single Bandwagon
« on: May 03, 2011, 07:57:16 AM »
Hey there everyone.

I stumbled across this site a while back while searching for topics online regarding getting over breakups from Christ's perspective.

Let me share my story,

I have had my share of relationships during high school, but none was as serious as the one I got into when I entered university; or so I thought.

I entered my junior year fresh off a broken relationship with a girl (she was not a Christian) that I met before leaving high school. We had a relationship for about a year, which ended sorely when I had to leave and she, being my junior by a year, was left behind. As I went off to Pre Uni, life got busier, and given the distance, I found out one day, painfully, that she was seeing someone else. With that, we broke up or rather, it ended badly with me feeling really bitter over being betrayed.

So here I was in my Junior year, getting into things, trying my best to forget my painful past, focusing on my studies and getting on with life.

I couldn't say I was very successful, as all that while, although I have been serving in church, (and was born into a Christian - Church going, God fearing family) I took my faith for granted once too often.

So a year passed, I entered my sophomore year, and I learned to pick myself up slowly from what I saw as a past mistake.

Then I met Jen. She was this sweet, petite, cute little thing that caught my attention almost right away. Standing at a mere 5'1, i stood at 1 foot taller than her. I knew she was something special the moment I saw her, I almost forgot what it felt like to be alone, all that pain and suffering I felt the past year from the relationship I'd like to see as betrayal seemed to pale.

So I asked her out one day, and we talked over drinks. I asked her at one point, if she went to Church, which she said that she did, much to my delight. I later found out that she was a Christian, one that did her daily devotion daily, never missed Service, loved the Lord. She was also in a long distance relationship with someone back at home that she has been going out with for the past year. As sparks flew (the attraction was mutual), we slowly grew closer to one another.

As time passed, she broke off with the guy back home, only to start a relationship with me.

Perhaps I should better describe Jen and myself. I was just your typical guy, I loved hanging out with my friends, I loved computer games, and doing "guy things" - just to cut the list short. I am not the type that is romantically/emotionally driven but rather I prefer to use reasoning or "logic" to see things. I have served in the music ministry as a musician for a long time and still am.

Jen on the other hand, was someone that loved her family a lot, was a faithful servant in church, did all the housework back home, she cooked, she took good care of everyone (me especially) - basically, she was every single guy's dream.

The following 6 years, she took good care of me - she cooked for me, she washed up after me, looked after me when I was ill, studied with me when it came to those times when you needed to cramp just before that last minute test, she did the grocery shopping, cleaned the room up, and yet managed to get good grades amidst all of that.

I should tell you however that our relationship was not one that glorified the Lord. It was very physically driven, despite our backgrounds, we indulged in many things that should not even be mentioned. Life was filled with sin.

The 6 years was a like life on a pendulum - we drifted back and forth - sinning, repenting (or so I thought), sinning, and repenting yet again and so on.

Even though we attended church regularly, I was a shadow of my former self. I knew deep inside that I was sinning, and yet, the sinful desires of my heart kept prompting me to continue even after telling myself repeatedly that it was wrong. It got to a point where I had to stop serving in the music ministry out of guilt and rumors being spread around in the campus. So life wasn't going to well after all.

It got to a point where the only person I could talk to was Jen - she was my other half, and also my best friend.

Life wasn't always smooth either. You see, Jen had one serious problem - being faithful. There was this one time where she met up with her ex (the long distance bloke) sometime 1 year after we have been going out, and she did some things she shouldn't have. I was heartbroken at that point. I turned to the pastor of the Church I was attending at my University. In tears I sought the counsel of his wife and him.

Both of them told me at that point that I needed to reevaluate this relationship I got myself into. That it started off unhealthily and despite all the good times and good things, it was going to end in a disaster. I was ever so reluctant, and holding on more tightly than ever, i was obstinate and pushed for control over the situation - I spoke to Jen without committing the matter to the Lord, and without heeding my Pastor's advice. After some persuasion and lots of talking, we decided to put the incident behind us and continue life together.

The next 5 years, things weren't much better. I found myself drifting further and further away from the Church (not like I was a strong Christian to begin with).

I should remind you that I'm not the best at being romantic, and Jen, given her attractive nature and love for surprises, our characters couldn't be more conflicting. She constantly had her friends around her remind her that she deserved better (I wasn't the best boyfriend out there, as a matter of fact, i'm quite terrible at being one). She stuck by me despite all of that and she became not only my other half, but my best friend. We were constantly reminded of the things we were doing that were not pleasing to God, and she would listen, and sometimes talk to me about it, and I would sometimes listen, and we'd set ourselves straight for a while, and then, I'd somehow persuade her to sin again.. (the way I see it, I am a stumbling block for her) She would remind me every now and then that I needed to pay more attention to her, to talk more to her, to care for her more etc, and I would listen, only to slowly revert to my old playful ignorant self over time every now and then.

Anyway, life went on with many more things happening in between, all of which have become things that I have vague memories of, but I will share as they come back to me.

The next big turning point was when we became seniors. We were both in our final year, prepping up for our finals. In the midst of all the hustle and bustle, the second turning point in our relationship occurred. I found out one day by accident that she had feelings for a classmate of hers that was a mutual friend of ours. He too was in a relationship of his own and he wasn't a Christian. One of our friends told me that she walked in on them while they were doing something they shouldn't have been doing. (i will not elaborate further).

I found out, confronted Jen once again a very upset person, and the only explanation she could give was because she found him attractive, they had lots of things they liked in common etc. Long story short, she cheated on our relationship (second time). I took matters into my own hands and tried to take control of the situation, giving her the benefit of doubt, I stood up for the wrong thing that she did, and in the process, lost a few friends and made a lot of people upset, but I didn't care at that point - or so i thought.

A few Sundays later, during service, one of her friends came up to her in Church and asked her what was happening, and for an explanation to the rumors she kept hearing that she cheated etc, while they were talking, our Pastor walked up and he found out what had happened. After a long talk with her, I found out that both his wife and him wanted us to break up cleanly, and to both turn back to God, and to sort our lives out, to not have anything to do with one another from then onwards, as that was the only way to solve this mishmash. We were both upset, as our finals were around the corner and we thought that her breaking off with me would only mess up my finals, and we both were under the impression that we could get through this whole incident together - supporting one another. So once again, we put ourselves before the Lord and took matters into our own hands - or rather I took matters into my own hands... and the relationship went on for a while.

We both graduated, went back to our hometowns some 150 miles apart. I thought we had put that whole incident behind us, and have both grown to be an inseparable couple. When the time finally came for us to commit to being in a long distance relationship (I had to work in a hospital that was about 200 miles away from where she was) we said our vows/promises. I was reassured, and I started work.

Life as an intern has sure kept me busy... so busy that my life for the first few weeks was tethered between work and sleep. Life was so busy that I sometimes had no time to talk to her, though I told myself that she understood, I never could have imagined the pain she was going through.

You see, she had to work in a place about 50 miles from where she lived, in a district hospital, where she had to live in the hostels alone, with people she was not acquainted with, where the only edible food was 5 miles away, and that was an insane distance to travel when you cannot drive, so yeah, life for her was tough.

I did however have a good friend that was 1 year our senior (in terms of school years) that worked in the same hospital as she did, and when I heard that he was taking care of her (feeding her and providing transport), I was very much relieved.

That particular week, work was as busy as it got, and we did not talk to each other for 2-3 days. When i finally got down to messaging her, the only thing she could say was - she wanted out. She wanted to break up with me.

I was devastated naturally, as it came off when I did not expect it. I thought we were on good terms. I found out later that the guy she was leaving me for was that good friend of mine that was caring for her. He wasn't a Christian, so when they were close earlier, I never thought anything like that would've happened, given Jen's love for God, and to be unequally yoked was a fundamental sin. Needless to say, I tried to take things into my own hands, and rushed over to meet her, to plead with her to reconsider and the sort. I prayed, I begged, I cried, I yearned for her to see things the way I did. They had been doing things they shouldn't have and I saw that as another act of betrayal and was deeply hurt.

You see, this girl was the girl I intended to propose to later that year. Our families were well acquainted, we were well past that casual relationship.

* I Paraphrased most of it - and yet it seems so long  ::frown:: *

-------------------------------------------------------All of this happened 6 months ago. ---------------------------------------------------------------------

Here I am now, it was one of the toughest times in my life, coming out of a relationship where I was cheated on, only to be cheated on again. Thank God that he has been merciful, even though I am struggling to turn back to Him at this point (my pastor - the one that I've mentioned several times, has been very gracious in supporting me in this tough time) I often look back at the good times, even today and I wonder at times, if I was the reason why someone that loved the Lord that much, ended up like this. Perhaps God has a lesson he wants the both of us to learn, perhaps he's molding us more and more into his image everyday.

I sit back and wonder everyday if things would've been any different should I have listened to my pastor the second time. Perhaps things would have been different if we worked in the same hospital? Perhaps things would've been different if I was more romantic? Who knows. There are too many variables in the whole experience, but in the end, one thing has not changed - God is gracious, and His Love endures forever. I only wish things could be easier - even though it has been 6 months, it hurts as though it happened yesterday. I still look back fondly at her profile, and at the good times we had. I sit and wonder what she's up to, whether she regrets the decision she made that fateful day. I guess I'll never know. Up till today, I still yearn for someone to talk to everyday. I still find it hard to wake up fresh everyday since that incident... sometimes memories do come back and they keep me awake more often than not.

Right now, its all mixed up inside of me...

One good thing though. Typing all of this out does help me look back at things from a slightly different perspective. At least i'll get through tonight i hope  ::uhh::


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Hi. New on the Single Bandwagon
« on: May 03, 2011, 07:57:16 AM »

Offline comfy

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Re: Hi. New on the Single Bandwagon
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2011, 11:26:03 PM »
So, how are you doing?

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Re: Hi. New on the Single Bandwagon
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2011, 11:26:03 PM »

Offline dingmel

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Re: Hi. New on the Single Bandwagon
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2011, 05:47:23 PM »
So, how are you doing?

To be honest, there were times I wish I was better... Even after 6 months, there come times when I lie on my bed the whole night, wide awake. Just the mere thought of her being with someone else after so long is a difficult thought to digest. I'm just worried that it might become pathological at one point.

Its like when I'm with other people, I still tend to compare them to her and they always seem to fall short, just like how i'm always falling short of his Glory  ::frustrated::

Its like i'm still stuck in this cycle of grief, and its been so long !

Offline comfy

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Re: Hi. New on the Single Bandwagon
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2011, 11:46:13 AM »
Here's an interesting thing that you said, Dingmel >
Quote
Perhaps things would've been different if I was more romantic?
You don't have to compete with what worldly people are able to give her.

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Re: Hi. New on the Single Bandwagon
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2011, 11:46:13 AM »

Offline JohnDB

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Re: Hi. New on the Single Bandwagon
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2011, 02:56:16 PM »
Woulda, coulda, shoulda never helped anyone with spilt milk.

Living well is the best revenge for divorce.

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Re: Hi. New on the Single Bandwagon
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2011, 02:56:16 PM »