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Author Topic: How to find a spouse God's Way?  (Read 13494 times)

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Offline wwjdn2007

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How to find a spouse God's Way?
« on: Sun Nov 19, 2006 - 21:27:44 »
The question: "How to find a spouse God's Way?"

I would love to hear some advice on courtship and the way it should be.
« Last Edit: Sun Nov 19, 2006 - 21:35:33 by janine »

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How to find a spouse God's Way?
« on: Sun Nov 19, 2006 - 21:27:44 »

Offline janine

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #1 on: Sun Nov 19, 2006 - 21:33:55 »
Have you got in mind that God has only One True Way to find a spouse?

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #1 on: Sun Nov 19, 2006 - 21:33:55 »

Offline wwjdn2007

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #2 on: Sun Nov 19, 2006 - 21:41:58 »
Well back when I was 16yrs old in bible study, the teacher was telling us the godly way to courtship. Her and her husband didn't Kiss until their wedding day. They got to know each other without involving the physical.

Offline janine

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #3 on: Mon Nov 20, 2006 - 05:05:38 »
Random thoughts here --

There has been some attention to the whole courtship idea in recent years -- as opposed to dating, you know?

I've always told my children "You have no need (no right!) to date until it's time to find a mate."  That is, even before courtship started gaining popularity again, I was against the tying-of-hearts-together that happens with "going steady" or any variant thereof.

I'm not talking about avoiding the opposite sex, I'm not talking about not going to a movie or a  party or some other event with "a date" --

What I mean is, the way the kids want to pair up, that's a recipe for disaster.  Either you're "breaking up" and breaking your heart over some boy or girl and you think your life is over at 14 -- or you've "successfully" managed a string of boyfriends or girlfriends by the time you're an adult.  It's like divorce practice!

I don't think it's too much to ask for my sons to handle social contact with women the same way their father does.  One of my sons is married and one is only 14, but they both should pay attention to the reputation of girls and ladies, not letting it appear that there's something going on between them. 

Yes, it's a free country, and yes, you can't help it if other people think evil where there is none.  Still, within reason, insofar as our singles can control it, attempts ought to be made to avoid "the appearance of evil" thing.  And that's not even to avoid offending "the world".  "The World" out there could care less if two people live together.  It's more for the benefit of the effort to remain chaste that needs to go on between you and your loved one and God.  And of course for the possibilities of Christian witness.

It might be a good thing if marriages could be put together between people who come to know and admire and love their partners for a period of time before they ever do so much as kiss.  That would be lovely.  It's not always going to work out that way, of course, but it's nice to have a target to shoot for.

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #3 on: Mon Nov 20, 2006 - 05:05:38 »

Offline msbradley

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #4 on: Mon Nov 20, 2006 - 05:42:10 »
I agree Janine. When I was young, I went through more guys than I use paper towels. I wasn't a Christian. I was promiscuous in the heart, but not in sex. I didn't give every guy a chance, but I sure gave quite a few guys chances. Some I would date just a few times, others a few months, others longer. Now, the interests come very far and few between. I remember having someone unexpectedly ringing my doorbell and me pretending I wasn't at home. Now, no one rings my doorbell!!
Sometimes, I wonder how broken I must have been. The ones I chose to spend time with were the bad boys. I was super shy, such a wallflower, but I sure got attention. I remember going out with my friends a couple times and getting tired of getting hit on, so while my friends were all dressed up, I was in jeans and a flannel shirt to not be noticed and I ended up being the only one of us who met someone.
I see where revolving dating can be an intro to the divorce factor. You end up not cherishing relationships and find them so easy to be disposable. That is what I think I experienced. Even though I am alone and have been for over 16 years, I do believe my past experiences of dating and my experiences of being alone have given me quite a lot of wisdom on the honor and cherishing and commitment a relationship is to hold. Mine will, if I ever get the chance again.

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #4 on: Mon Nov 20, 2006 - 05:42:10 »



Offline spurly

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #5 on: Mon Nov 20, 2006 - 07:56:23 »
The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
-- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her.
-- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
-- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
-- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
-- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.
-- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
-- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
-- David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.)
-- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
-- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me."
-- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
-- David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law).
-- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
-- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife? ...NOT!!!
-- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Offline admin

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #6 on: Tue Nov 21, 2006 - 09:15:02 »
Well back when I was 16yrs old in bible study, the teacher was telling us the godly way to courtship. Her and her husband didn't Kiss until their wedding day. They got to know each other without involving the physical.

Well, that might be fine for them, but I couldn't do that. I wouldn't be able to marry a person who had never kissed me. Physical affection is part of a relationship and I wouldn't feel loved without it. And if I didn't feel loved, I couldn't marry her. I'm married to a wonderful woman and part of the reason we got married is because we no longer could hold back. I think that is normal and natural. You want to marry someone you can't resist. If those two could go a year or more without kissing....well, I've got to wonder just how much passion they had for each other.

But before anyone tells me that they had SO MUCH passion that they waited....spare me.

The Bible tells us not to have sex before we get married. It doesn't say we can't kiss, hold hands, hug, etc. Those things are natural and HUMAN. Plus, it builds a relationship. And in order to get married, the relationship has to GROW.

Offline phoebe

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #7 on: Tue Nov 21, 2006 - 14:33:14 »
rofl   Loved it, Spurly!

I prayed for mine. God brought him to me, and I almost missed him because he is.... height challenged.

Offline starla

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #8 on: Tue Nov 21, 2006 - 23:01:42 »
I've been single single 2001.Was with my ex boyfriend for five years before that.Had to break up with him because he was slick and dishonest. He was a Christian in the Lords church. It was like in the beginning he was sweet but then later on in the relationship, I was the one that always asked him would he like to go out or would he mind taking me to such and such a place.He never invited me to his aunt house nor invited me to meet his family.I always begged him to take me to see his house and his aunt.To this day,I regret having a relationship with the guy.Anyway after him I talked to a couple of guys and gave them my phone number but it never went anywhere.The last guy I talked to he was kind of arrogant.He kind of liked me because he asked me out one time.I told him no and that I would like to get to know him a bit more.Since that night he asked me out on the phone, his attitude was like he didn't know me .What made it so bad is when I would see him in church he would act like that he was not interested in me like he wouldn't sit with me or would not make an effort to stop and talk to me.So now I am dateless and waiting on the Lord to send me that good and perfect mate from above.I almost had the possibility of meeting Mr.Right, one or two times. Unfortunately that did not happen because I was with Mr.Wilson,the ex i was with for 5 years.Is it possible that you could have the possibility of meeting Mr.or Miss. Right in the past and unfortunately end up missing that blessing because of some hindrance in your life?Maybe somehow I missed my blessing and there is not another chance,I don't know.

Offline Trinity

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #9 on: Thu Nov 23, 2006 - 22:04:30 »
Even though I am married, I would venture to say that you should just pray.  I think that if you tell God what you are looking for, He will send you a mate.  I believe that God will provide for you according to His will, so just keep praying and keep your eyes peeled.  One day, it will happen.  When you least expect it.  Just be persistant in prayer, and in His time, He will answer.  Until then, I will pray for you. ::nodding:: ::prayinghard::

Offline angeleyes

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #10 on: Tue Dec 05, 2006 - 22:05:52 »
Well I've been praying for a special someone whom I have been in love with for about 10 years to be saved and for him to be the one that God has for me. We have so much in common that it is scary. I met him in high school and we started dating after I transferred to another high school and I've been in love with him ever since. We broke up after only dating for a  few months but we shared such a deep and profound connection that I have never had with anyone ever before. At that time I wasn't a Christian and neither was he.

When I turned 19 I gave my heart to the Lord and became a Christian. I was a newborn Babe in Christ and still struggled with fornication. Needless to say, we reunited and became even closer for two years.

I finally overcame my battle with fornication and he of course still wasn't a Christian so he moved on. Deep in my heart I still believe that if God is willing, when he saves him that he will definitely be the one for me.

Then I also think that maybe because I had a relationship with him in sin that I blew my chances of God blessing me with him as a husband or maybe God does have someone else for me.

Who knows maybe I am destined to be a great Christian by myself and to stay single.

Only God knows the answer to that , meanwhile I'll just wait patiently and pray. ::prayinghard::

Offline janine

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #11 on: Wed Dec 06, 2006 - 21:38:35 »
I don't think that God necessarily keeps people apart based on sin in their past life together.

Look at David and Bathsheba.

Or rather, consider them.  You don't want to look at them.  He liked to dance around naked and she liked to take baths on the roof.

Offline angeleyes

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #12 on: Wed Dec 06, 2006 - 22:05:18 »
JAQ Do you think that the man is supposed to find the woman or is the woman supposed to find the man? ::shrug:: Does it really matter and which one if either is God's way?

Offline msbradley

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #13 on: Sun Dec 17, 2006 - 05:46:46 »
I don't think it matters who does what first. It's if the other reciprocates that determines what happens next.
I don't mess around with the niceties in the beginning of a "might could be relationship". I almost point-blank ask their moral standards when we first get together. I let them know up front that we are never going to have any kind of sex not being married. Even at my age (50) I still have some who think I just "challenged" them.
I so want to be married. I do find interests, just not many. I've had one that was DETERMINED he was going to get me to change my mind and be with him. I tried, almost as many times as he tried. There was just something missing.
Just after Thanksgiving, I was pouring out my heart to one of my friends and she came back at me with such shocking truth that I was dumbfounded. She griped at me that she knows of 4 people in the past year that I have told her about that showed interest in me and I turned them away or ignored them or just acted like I was clueless of their actions. She has put me to a challenge and after a bunch of negotiating, we came to an agreement. For 90 days, I cannot turn down anyone unless I have concrete evidence they are not right for me. I agreed, because if I do this, she has agreed to stop smoking and start a healthy diet and to exercise.
She wanted me to let people know I am doing this, but I'm not. So far, I have said yes to one and I have a problem with him because he smokes. He doesn't smoke around me, but sometimes I smell it and can't stand it. I wanted to turn him down, but my friend said that wasn't a big enough moral issue for me to say no. He says he'll "go along" with the no sex rule. I know he's not a "keeper" like his grandma said she hopes we are. He's nice. He goes to church, he works for the electric company, he's 41, has a 20 year old son who lives in another state, going to college. This guy loves to indulge and that's just not me. In 2 weeks time, we have been out to eat 4 times, gone to the movies twice, ice cream places 3 times, to a small town to see their Christmas lights display and to see the Nutcracker. I have met many of his family members as we went to his Grandma's for her 80th birthday. We talk and talk, we laugh and laugh. We have a lot of things in common. He wants to meet my kids and I haven't even told my kids of him or my challenge. I don't want them to expect anything, or pressure me into something I don't want. I have told him my heart just isn't in this and he just says "well, we're havin' fun, aren't we darlin". I met him by opening the door for his sister who had her hands full and I was just walking past the building downtown that she was heading for. The very next day, I was walking to the post office downtown and she noticed me. She stopped me and told me she couldn't get me off her mind. That my opening the door for her was the nicest thing she can recall a stranger doing for her and that I must have a "heart for God". About 2 minutes into our conversation, she asked me if I was married or in a relationship because she had a brother she'd like to see with someone with "substance". (Fat on their bones???) I was in the process of telling her I wouldn't do that and wouldn't even feel comfortable doing that when my friend who gave me the challenge called me right then. No joke!!! I stepped away and laughing through my "right then" situation, my friend said "you don't believe in coincidence and you can't say no". So, I spent the next 10 minutes nervously talking to Rachel about me and her brother, David. 6 hours later I'm sitting in Outback with a nice, but complete stranger.
So, in my opinion, like I stated 8000 words ago, to me it doesn't matter who does what first, it's what happens next that counts.

Offline angeleyes

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #14 on: Sun Dec 17, 2006 - 06:29:49 »
Well I hope that all goes well for you and your challenge msbradley. From what I'm hearing from you, he sounds like a nice guy but you don't think that there is any chemistry there. As for the smoking, I'll be praying for him that he quits smoking because I believe it to be a type of addiction and it is really hard to quit but we both know that God is able.

I know that your friend has given you a challenge, but have you asked God if this is what he wants and do you think that there is no chemistry because of David's smoking problem?

Offline janine

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #15 on: Sun Dec 17, 2006 - 07:12:41 »
My mother chose my husband for me.

Offline msbradley

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #16 on: Tue Dec 19, 2006 - 23:55:14 »
Angeleyes, you ask too many good questions.
I don't know what to do. So, I'm doing nothing about anything right now.
I have told David several times my heart just isn't into this, or that I don't appreciate all of the entertainment indulgence. I like "home". I like coming home after work and staying there. I like cooking dinner at home. I like eating at home. I like being home!!
I love to play games-cards, dominoes, all kinds of board games, even silly ones. To sit at my kitchen table, listening to the stereo, playing silly games at the table with a friend is an awesome time well spent. He doesn't like to play games. He likes to watch sports on TV, but goes to as many games as possible. He likes NASCAR, goes to Talladega, Kansas City, Atlanta, Texas, and some place in Tennessee. Goes to the Hornets games here. Kansas City and Dallas for football and baseball. Oh yeah, Las Vegas for NASCAR and basketball. Likes OU football, baseball and basketball. I like all those sports, but I don't see the need to go to all those places. He's going to the Fiesta Bowl Jan 1st. Well, he's leaving Friday the 29th and coming back Wednesday the 3rd. They're also going to Las Vegas. No interest to me. I like soccer, but he doesn't. He's really a nice, sweet, kind guy. He's been divorced for 12 years. Says he started dating again 2 years ago when his son left for college. He tells me I should start living for me since I have been a mom since I was 16. He says I keep sitting at home like my 18 year old is going to show up at my door any minute to come back home and it's not going to happen. I do believe he has that part of me figured out. I do keep thinking my son will come back home, but I know he won't, he didn't like my rules. David wants me to go on a cruise. He wants me to go away for a weekend, separate rooms, no "hanky-panky" (he called it that!!) to someplace in Arkansas. He wants me to go to some expensive spa here and have all kinds of stuff done to me. That's just not me.
Yes, I do not like his smoking. My friend who I agreed to do this challenge for says she likes me not being alone now. She hopes something happens between David and me. She says she has slipped 3 times and had 1 cigarette each time since December 1st. for that part of this challenge, I am very thankful she is doing so good. I told David my friend is trying to quit and he said that's the only bad thing he can't get a grip on. He says he likes to have a cigarette once in awhile, especially after a good (I almost freaked out here!!!) meal. He says he smokes about 1 pack, but sometimes 2 packs a week. That's not really that bad. But, deep down, I don't want to even deal with 1 cigarette a week from someone. I feel like I'm being really shallow here. I'm not a great catch like it seems like I think I am. At night, when I'm trying to do my Bible study, all of a sudden, something will pop into my thoughts about how I should be thankful I even have someone who is so nice even showing an interest in me. This guy is just plain nice. That's why I'm not doing anything that I really want to. I really want to tell him I'm not interested, but I made a pledge I cannot say those words again until March 1st!!!
I was pm'd by someone about my situation. I told them I'd get back to them when I got all my thoughts together. I wonder when that will be? March 1st?
Janine, I should have listened to my mom. She didn't approve of either person I married.
Chemistry-hmmm, I've never had a problem with chemistry. I don't let anything even begin to happen if I don't think there's some chemistry going on or willing to see if there could be. Though, I have been just friends with someone and then the more I got to know them and be around them, then there'd be feelings that weren't there before that were there later. But I've never started dating someone where there was no chemistry or hopes of chemistry.
Oh well, I've got some searching to do. Goodnight!!

Offline janine

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #17 on: Wed Dec 20, 2006 - 22:30:35 »
Goodness, girly!  If David is so very interested in 100% innocent, totally hanky-panky-free outings, tell him I'll go with him!

Offline msbradley

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #18 on: Thu Dec 21, 2006 - 21:46:35 »
Janine, I wish things were that easy!! He does comment once in awhile that he can't last forever (not doing anything), but he doesn't mind waiting. Or, "just wait, the right time will come." Or, yesterday it was "One of these days that'll be us" and as I looked up at the TV, 2 people were waking up in bed.
I tell him I'm not going to do anything. He acts like I finish that with a silent "right now".
I told him about my challenge from my friend that I can't say "I'm not interested" or tell anyone "no" until March 1st. I asked if he thought I was just playing games and he said he could see where I have trust issues with men, but he doesn't think I'm playing games, but that I'm afraid to commit to something that might want me back. He always says "I've got nothin' but time." He has told me he has seen nothing from me that he doesn't like or can't stand. He says he wishes I didn't feel I have to wear a wig. He says he sees I have insecurities, and can tell I have depended on others to make me feel important. He says trust isn't supposed to be a "given", that I trust people up front, just so they can break that trust, then I can justify walking away from them and don't have to worry about being dumped by them and this makes me be in control and not get hurt (as bad). He asked me tonight if he'd quit smoking completely, would that get us anywhere quicker. I felt really pressured. I told him I'd love for him not to smoke, but I'm not holding out or putting out based on whether he smokes or not. Tonight, I told him that 3 weeks ago I didn't even know who he was and here we are talking about sex. He said if he has gone to bed with someone he was dating, it never took 3 weeks. I told him I will never go to bed with anyone I'm "dating". I even told him he is insulting me by acting like he doesn't believe me.
I came home. Was home for about 2 minutes when I heard some loud music, to find my 18 year old son had just pulled up in my driveway. Well, needless to say, it wasn't a "Hallmark" moment. I was honest with everything I said, though. I think he was, too.
This is the first time I have seen him since August 13th, and I've been hurting, but I didn't realize how much. I couldn't just be superficial and cheery with "how are you doing?" and fake cheesy smiles. I asked questions, from my heart, and I spoke from my heart, they just weren't "happy" heartfelt words. He wouldn't or couldn't look me in my eyes. I have to just let him go away. He is exactly like his father and I can't take it anymore.
Hmmm, can we tell I'm not doing too great tonight? Sorry.

Offline starla

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #19 on: Thu Dec 21, 2006 - 23:08:04 »
Janine, I wish things were that easy!! He does comment once in awhile that he can't last forever (not doing anything), but he doesn't mind waiting. Or, "just wait, the right time will come." Or, yesterday it was "One of these days that'll be us" and as I looked up at the TV, 2 people were waking up in bed.
I tell him I'm not going to do anything. He acts like I finish that with a silent "right now".
I told him about my challenge from my friend that I can't say "I'm not interested" or tell anyone "no" until March 1st. I asked if he thought I was just playing games and he said he could see where I have trust issues with men, but he doesn't think I'm playing games, but that I'm afraid to commit to something that might want me back. He always says "I've got nothin' but time." He has told me he has seen nothing from me that he doesn't like or can't stand. He says he wishes I didn't feel I have to wear a wig. He says he sees I have insecurities, and can tell I have depended on others to make me feel important. He says trust isn't supposed to be a "given", that I trust people up front, just so they can break that trust, then I can justify walking away from them and don't have to worry about being dumped by them and this makes me be in control and not get hurt (as bad). He asked me tonight if he'd quit smoking completely, would that get us anywhere quicker. I felt really pressured. I told him I'd love for him not to smoke, but I'm not holding out or putting out based on whether he smokes or not. Tonight, I told him that 3 weeks ago I didn't even know who he was and here we are talking about sex. He said if he has gone to bed with someone he was dating, it never took 3 weeks. I told him I will never go to bed with anyone I'm "dating". I even told him he is insulting me by acting like he doesn't believe me.
I came home. Was home for about 2 minutes when I heard some loud music, to find my 18 year old son had just pulled up in my driveway. Well, needless to say, it wasn't a "Hallmark" moment. I was honest with everything I said, though. I think he was, too.
This is the first time I have seen him since August 13th, and I've been hurting, but I didn't realize how much. I couldn't just be superficial and cheery with "how are you doing?" and fake cheesy smiles. I asked questions, from my heart, and I spoke from my heart, they just weren't "happy" heartfelt words. He wouldn't or couldn't look me in my eyes. I have to just let him go away. He is exactly like his father and I can't take it anymore.
Hmmm, can we tell I'm not doing too great tonight? Sorry.

Sorry to read that you and your son cannot get along.What is with the friction between you and your son,if you don't mind me asking?

Offline Serenity432001

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #20 on: Thu Dec 21, 2006 - 23:12:33 »
God bless you msbradley.   I so feel your pain with your son.  I've been to hell and back with mine and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do was to set boundaries with him.  You'll be in my prayers about your son and your dating situation.  Dating in this day and age can be so tough.  Back in the 90's I think most guys I went out with had a 3 date rule--if you didn't sleep with them by the third date something was wrong with you--I can imagine how it must be today.  It is tough to find someone these days that also wants to wait till marriage.  Again, you are in my prayers

Lisa P

Offline msbradley

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #21 on: Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 05:05:04 »
Thanks Lisa. I think I'm going to tell my friend I just can't do this. I will give her encouragement to help her quit smoking, but I'm just not interested in dating around. Hmmm, I didn't say dating, I said dating around. I think that proves I think this challenge is degrading. If I want to say 'no", for whatever reason, I should be able to say it!!!
Starla, as for my son...like my daughter has told me a million times, he has always been more than I could handle all by myself. He didn't respect me and wouldn't obey my rules. I'd tell him he couldn't do this or that and he did it anyway. Constantly threw it in my face that I couldn't stop or control him. He'd ask to borrow my car, when I'd say no and explain why, he still walked out the door and took off in it. We'd be home, then he'd be gone. He wouldn't ask or even tell me he was leaving.
I asked what was different about the rules here than at his father's and he said "none, really". I said "yes, there is, you obey him and wouldn't obey me" He says it's better there. "More structure. Someone is always home." (His step-mother). I asked if his dad knew he drinks and he said yes!!!!!!!!!
Said his dad lets him drink at home, just doesn't want him to drive when he's been drinking!!!!!!!!! It just makes me sick!! I was speechless (after I said "oh my gosh" in disgust!!! I asked why he came to my house to have sex with some girl and make me have to clean it up and he just said "I don't know". I said, it was just another way for him to show me he disrespects me. I asked if he gets his Social Security money ($520 a month because his dad turned 62 last year and started getting SS). He said yes, he gets the money and that's how he was able to buy his car. I asked if he knows I'm going to have to pay over $400 a month child support for him and he said his dad has told him any money I pay will be given to my son!!!!!!!!!!! Proof my ex doesn't need my money to help support him. This boy, is going to be handed around $1000 a month!!!! I think the whole thing is totally irresponsible!!!!!!! It just makes me sick.
Hmmm, I'm beginning to see why I woke up at 3:50, with only 3.5 hours of sleep...

Offline Serenity432001

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #22 on: Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 20:17:00 »
Boy, your scenerio with your son sounds so familiar.  Mine ended up in detention since he would not mind me and it was the one time I was actually glad that his biological father was not in his life or I would not have been able to do what I had to do as hard as it was I still think better than dealing with an ex--my heart goes out to you but I know nothing is too big for God and He will see you through!  Many blessings

Offline msbradley

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #23 on: Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 22:34:03 »
Serenity, you honestly don't know how much you and your replies mean to me. I am so grateful to be here just because of people like you and Starla.
I called my son 4 times today to just get his voice mail. My daughter told me she was afraid my son had come over to visit me and all I did was gripe to him. I understood what she meant. Like he sat here going "and here goes Mom, gripe, gripe, gripe, gripe." I really wasn't griping. I was honestly speaking from my heart, trying to reach his. I have first hand experience knowing there are people who don't have a conscience. My ex doesn't. There is some chromosome messed up or missing in my ex and my son seems to be like him. Well, finally around 6 pm my son called to tell me he just got out of the emergency room from having a bad carwreck today. In April he had back surgery having 2 disks fused together. He said they did x-rays and his back is OK. He said he hit his head on the window and a knee on the ...something. I talked with him the whole time my ex's wife was in Wal-Mart getting his prescriptions filled. I miss him tremendously. I have been in this boy's life everyday of his life except for the past 4 months. His father has only chosen to do the bare minimum-every other weekend, every other holiday and 2 weeks in June and 2 in August. $100 a month, no more, no matter the need or the situation. I wish him dead. Don't bother telling me that isn't right. I am aware of that. You can pray for me, I do. I was better for about 10 years, but those feelings have surfaced again. This horrible man has been in my life since I was 18. You better believe I WAS HARD on my daughter when she was a teenager about her responsibilities to have good character and morals. Only once did she have a scary yucky boyfriend. All the others were super nice, caring, gentle young men. Her husband is a very good husband and daddy. I love and respect him very much for the way he treats my precious girls (my daughter and her 1 year old daughter).
Well, for the dating part...my friend who lives by Ft Worth called me this morning and we had an hour long talk. I told her everything I could remember and everything I am feeling and going through with my 18 year old. She is my "earthly, talking" rock. I know God sent her to me and she says she feels the same, and neither of us can figure out what the other sees in the other. Well, I saw David unexpectedly tonight. We had no plans since I always have to work on Friday nights. After I talked with my son (for about 45 minutes), I called David. We met for dinner and I told him there is just too much going on that I need to pay attention to and don't have time to be throwing dating in the middle of it. He said he isn't letting me go. He wants to do Christmas with me tomorrow, since he is going out of town Sunday morning and won't be back until Tuesday and then leaves early Thursday for Las Vegas and Arizona and won't be back until the 2nd or 3rd, I forgot when... He says I only have to put up with him for one more day (tomorrow) and then he'll be gone for a week and a half and that will have given me time to go through all my emotions and situations. He said "you're worth fighting you for". I thought that was really cute. I was crying and that made me crylaugh!! He said I'm expecting him to want to run away from me because I have a life just like everyone else that has things happen in it that I wish wouldn't and don't know how to handle. He and my friend did remind me I'm going through this for a reason. He told me to stop looking for the reason and just deal with stuff as it comes.
Please pray for my son and his injuries and his heart and relationship with me. I miss him.

Offline spurly

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #24 on: Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 22:38:04 »
Msbradley, I'm sorry to hear about Dalen.  Hopefully one day the light will go on - that is my prayer anyway.  Take it slow this week and just catch your breath.

Offline msbradley

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #25 on: Fri Dec 22, 2006 - 23:04:50 »
Kevin, please keep him in your prayers. It hurts so much.

Offline janine

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #26 on: Sat Dec 23, 2006 - 00:00:36 »
msbradley, you are right to not let a man, no matter how well-intentioned he seems, no matter how much you wish you had someone to lean on -- you are right to not let him set the two of you up as... sheesh, what would you call it?  Friends with bedroom privileges? Booty buddies!?

Can you remind us how old your son is?  And whether or not he has diagnosed mental/emotional difficulties?

Offline msbradley

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #27 on: Sat Dec 23, 2006 - 01:31:18 »
Janine, my son just turned 18 Sunday. Diagnosed? Last month, I did receive a bill for a psych visit for my son, but I don't know the reason for or the outcome of the visit. Diagnosed? By me, yes, by a prof, I don't know. His father and I divorced when he was 1. All his life he has believed attention for bad behavior is good because, after all, it is still attention. He totally disrespects me. I used to be very intelligent, but he knows he is way smarter than I, so I am stupid. I asked him tonight if he really thought he would ever pull back his fist and hit his dad or his dad's wife in the jaw like he has me and he said they don't ever make him mad like I did. I tried to explain to him it is because he respects them and not me. One time he jumped up and punched me in the jaw just because I was trying to get him to get up and go to school.

I just realized it's after 1:30. I've been up since 3:50. So, if I stay up for another 2 hours and 15 minutes, it will be like the good ol' days in my 20's...nahhhhh!!


Offline janine

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #28 on: Sat Dec 23, 2006 - 03:23:46 »
This computer has GOT to be wrong.  It says it's almost 3:30 a.m.!!!

Might it have helped to hold the boy responsible?  Like, to have called the law on him?

Offline sassi

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #29 on: Fri Jan 26, 2007 - 15:04:57 »
The question: "How to find a spouse God's Way?"

I would love to hear some advice on courtship and the way it should be.


But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. - Matthew 6:33-34

i'd say this verse is something that everyone who is in a relationship or wants to be in a relationship needs to apply first and foremost in their lives. The important thing to do is to make sure our lives are in line with what the Lord wants and be willing to allow Him to have His way in our lives. We need to be constantly growing closer to Him so His desire become our own.

Offline starla

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #30 on: Fri Jan 26, 2007 - 22:54:29 »
 ::amen!:: ::amen!:: ::amen!::

Offline msbradley

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #31 on: Fri Jan 26, 2007 - 23:24:24 »
Hey this is totally off topic, but I saw janine's post, when we all were a bit younger, so I thought I'd respond to her.

This computer has GOT to be wrong.  It says it's almost 3:30 a.m.!!!

Might it have helped to hold the boy responsible?  Like, to have called the law on him?

Hey janine, I just saw your question because of the new post here.
To answer, I called the police on him one time when he was being bad. He pushed me down a couple times, and I knew I needed help. The police woman went into his bedroom, griped at him and used cuss words and told him to look around at all the things he had. How he lives in a really nice neighborhood, has a really nice house, furniture, clothes, mentioned how many shoes he had, the nice high school he gets to go to and mentioned the 4 cars at our house and how privileged he was that 3 of them were his. I wasn't in the bedroom, but listened through the door. I didn't give her my opinion, because I had called for help. But I wanted so bad to tell her that was all material things she mentioned that he had. Material things don't make you happy or good. I decided I would leave the police out of our problems because I didn't want my son to end up with a police record just because he didn't like me.
I know that doesn't sound like the right thing to do. But I actually have experience in this situation.
When my oldest son was 18, he got arrested for public drunkenness. He was at a party at a friend's apartment. Someone called the police because of the noise. When the police came, the boys were talking and griping to the police. A policeman asked my son to come out onto the breezeway, and when he did, they arrested him for public drunkenness. A year later he enlisted in the Army. He took some test, the recruiter excitedly called another recruiter to look at my son's test results and they handed my son a book and told him he could actually choose to be anything he wanted. Later, when they received his police record, my son was limited to a small career choice that didn't interest him.
I know you have consequences for your choices. I am all for being responsible for your actions. But when it came down to me being the one to make the choice to have my son have a police record, I chose not to do it.
When my youngest son had his Driver License for 3 weeks, he got into a situation where he sped from a man who began chasing him in our neighborhood. My son was scared of what this man was going to do to him, I wasn't home, so he went to a friend's house where the parents would be home. It ended up being an undercover police officer and all kinds of things happened. 4 marked police cars were there in a flash, guns drawn on my son, a retired fireman across the street being arrested because he looked in the unmarked police car to see if he was a policeman...My daughter just happened to know many policemen. A couple days later, several policemen were talking about the incident with my son and my daughter told them that was her brother. They said the policeman decided to follow my son because he looked suspicious. The policeman told my daughter the policeman who chased him had told my daughter's friend he thought he would find drugs and stolen property in his car. This was a very bad experience for my son to go through. I didn't want him to end up with nothing but bad encounters and bad feelings about our legal system.
I know to some, my decisions might not sound right, but I had to make the decisions I felt were most beneficial not only for the present, but the future. I wouldn't have continually not sought help. I knew there was some way we'd get through this.

Offline janine

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #32 on: Sat Jan 27, 2007 - 20:18:45 »
Quote
... I decided I would leave the police out of our problems because I didn't want my son to end up with a police record just because he didn't like me...
No, your son should have ended up with a police record because he raised a hand to you, not because he didn't feel warm and fuzzy towards you.  Consequences for actions, yeah.

I understand, though, where you're coming from.  It's a sad fact that officers of the law are just people, only human, like everyone else, and in some times and places we find ourselves needing protection from them.

Like, when your other son was arrested, did they do a sobriety test on him at that time?   If he was not drunk, how did they make that public drunkenness charge stick?  Even if he was, if they didn't test him and prove it, how did they make the charges stick?  It makes you wonder who was railroading people with the approval of whom.

Anyway -- The messes we get into that we might have avoided -- or at least had some help with! --  if only our spouses had been Godly people -- amazing, ain't it?

The troubles we've been discussing do belong in a thread about finding a Godly spouse, if only as a cautionary tale about what happens when the man (or woman) we thought was The One turns out not to be.

Offline internationalelf

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #33 on: Tue Aug 05, 2008 - 09:00:21 »
The question: "How to find a spouse God's Way?"

I would love to hear some advice on courtship and the way it should be.

As people, we differ greatly from each other in terms of personality, life experience, spiritual maturity, etc. Given these differences, I think it follows that God's way is different for each person; I don't think there is a one-size fits all approach. A Christian can become disillusioned when well-meaning teachers or leaders try to force him or her to adopt an approach that isn't right for him.

Some people are really outgoing and social, others aren't. Some have lots of experience with the opposite sex, some don't. Therefore it makes no sense to expect them to both use identical approaches in finding a spouse.

It is good to ask "How to find a spouse God's Way?" but it is half of the equation, the other half is to ask "What is a way of finding a spouse that allows me to be myself and best fits my personality?"

Offline Wycliffes_Shillelagh

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Re: How to find a spouse God's Way?
« Reply #34 on: Tue Sep 09, 2008 - 18:41:56 »
Stop looking.

Focus on loving people in general without regard to what might be in it for yourself.

Jarrod