How to find a spouse God's Way?

[janine]

My mother chose my husband for me.

[msbradley]

Angeleyes, you ask too many good questions.
I don't know what to do. So, I'm doing nothing about anything right now.
I have told David several times my heart just isn't into this, or that I don't appreciate all of the entertainment indulgence. I like "home". I like coming home after work and staying there. I like cooking dinner at home. I like eating at home. I like being home!!
I love to play games-cards, dominoes, all kinds of board games, even silly ones. To sit at my kitchen table, listening to the stereo, playing silly games at the table with a friend is an awesome time well spent. He doesn't like to play games. He likes to watch sports on TV, but goes to as many games as possible. He likes NASCAR, goes to Talladega, Kansas City, Atlanta, Texas, and some place in Tennessee. Goes to the Hornets games here. Kansas City and Dallas for football and baseball. Oh yeah, Las Vegas for NASCAR and basketball. Likes OU football, baseball and basketball. I like all those sports, but I don't see the need to go to all those places. He's going to the Fiesta Bowl Jan 1st. Well, he's leaving Friday the 29th and coming back Wednesday the 3rd. They're also going to Las Vegas. No interest to me. I like soccer, but he doesn't. He's really a nice, sweet, kind guy. He's been divorced for 12 years. Says he started dating again 2 years ago when his son left for college. He tells me I should start living for me since I have been a mom since I was 16. He says I keep sitting at home like my 18 year old is going to show up at my door any minute to come back home and it's not going to happen. I do believe he has that part of me figured out. I do keep thinking my son will come back home, but I know he won't, he didn't like my rules. David wants me to go on a cruise. He wants me to go away for a weekend, separate rooms, no "hanky-panky" (he called it that!!) to someplace in Arkansas. He wants me to go to some expensive spa here and have all kinds of stuff done to me. That's just not me.
Yes, I do not like his smoking. My friend who I agreed to do this challenge for says she likes me not being alone now. She hopes something happens between David and me. She says she has slipped 3 times and had 1 cigarette each time since December 1st. for that part of this challenge, I am very thankful she is doing so good. I told David my friend is trying to quit and he said that's the only bad thing he can't get a grip on. He says he likes to have a cigarette once in awhile, especially after a good (I almost freaked out here!!!) meal. He says he smokes about 1 pack, but sometimes 2 packs a week. That's not really that bad. But, deep down, I don't want to even deal with 1 cigarette a week from someone. I feel like I'm being really shallow here. I'm not a great catch like it seems like I think I am. At night, when I'm trying to do my Bible study, all of a sudden, something will pop into my thoughts about how I should be thankful I even have someone who is so nice even showing an interest in me. This guy is just plain nice. That's why I'm not doing anything that I really want to. I really want to tell him I'm not interested, but I made a pledge I cannot say those words again until March 1st!!!
I was pm'd by someone about my situation. I told them I'd get back to them when I got all my thoughts together. I wonder when that will be? March 1st?
Janine, I should have listened to my mom. She didn't approve of either person I married.
Chemistry-hmmm, I've never had a problem with chemistry. I don't let anything even begin to happen if I don't think there's some chemistry going on or willing to see if there could be. Though, I have been just friends with someone and then the more I got to know them and be around them, then there'd be feelings that weren't there before that were there later. But I've never started dating someone where there was no chemistry or hopes of chemistry.
Oh well, I've got some searching to do. Goodnight!!

[janine]

Goodness, girly!  If David is so very interested in 100% innocent, totally hanky-panky-free outings, tell him I'll go with him!

[msbradley]

Janine, I wish things were that easy!! He does comment once in awhile that he can't last forever (not doing anything), but he doesn't mind waiting. Or, "just wait, the right time will come." Or, yesterday it was "One of these days that'll be us" and as I looked up at the TV, 2 people were waking up in bed.
I tell him I'm not going to do anything. He acts like I finish that with a silent "right now".
I told him about my challenge from my friend that I can't say "I'm not interested" or tell anyone "no" until March 1st. I asked if he thought I was just playing games and he said he could see where I have trust issues with men, but he doesn't think I'm playing games, but that I'm afraid to commit to something that might want me back. He always says "I've got nothin' but time." He has told me he has seen nothing from me that he doesn't like or can't stand. He says he wishes I didn't feel I have to wear a wig. He says he sees I have insecurities, and can tell I have depended on others to make me feel important. He says trust isn't supposed to be a "given", that I trust people up front, just so they can break that trust, then I can justify walking away from them and don't have to worry about being dumped by them and this makes me be in control and not get hurt (as bad). He asked me tonight if he'd quit smoking completely, would that get us anywhere quicker. I felt really pressured. I told him I'd love for him not to smoke, but I'm not holding out or putting out based on whether he smokes or not. Tonight, I told him that 3 weeks ago I didn't even know who he was and here we are talking about sex. He said if he has gone to bed with someone he was dating, it never took 3 weeks. I told him I will never go to bed with anyone I'm "dating". I even told him he is insulting me by acting like he doesn't believe me.
I came home. Was home for about 2 minutes when I heard some loud music, to find my 18 year old son had just pulled up in my driveway. Well, needless to say, it wasn't a "Hallmark" moment. I was honest with everything I said, though. I think he was, too.
This is the first time I have seen him since August 13th, and I've been hurting, but I didn't realize how much. I couldn't just be superficial and cheery with "how are you doing?" and fake cheesy smiles. I asked questions, from my heart, and I spoke from my heart, they just weren't "happy" heartfelt words. He wouldn't or couldn't look me in my eyes. I have to just let him go away. He is exactly like his father and I can't take it anymore.
Hmmm, can we tell I'm not doing too great tonight? Sorry.

[starla]

Janine, I wish things were that easy!! He does comment once in awhile that he can't last forever (not doing anything), but he doesn't mind waiting. Or, "just wait, the right time will come." Or, yesterday it was "One of these days that'll be us" and as I looked up at the TV, 2 people were waking up in bed.
I tell him I'm not going to do anything. He acts like I finish that with a silent "right now".
I told him about my challenge from my friend that I can't say "I'm not interested" or tell anyone "no" until March 1st. I asked if he thought I was just playing games and he said he could see where I have trust issues with men, but he doesn't think I'm playing games, but that I'm afraid to commit to something that might want me back. He always says "I've got nothin' but time." He has told me he has seen nothing from me that he doesn't like or can't stand. He says he wishes I didn't feel I have to wear a wig. He says he sees I have insecurities, and can tell I have depended on others to make me feel important. He says trust isn't supposed to be a "given", that I trust people up front, just so they can break that trust, then I can justify walking away from them and don't have to worry about being dumped by them and this makes me be in control and not get hurt (as bad). He asked me tonight if he'd quit smoking completely, would that get us anywhere quicker. I felt really pressured. I told him I'd love for him not to smoke, but I'm not holding out or putting out based on whether he smokes or not. Tonight, I told him that 3 weeks ago I didn't even know who he was and here we are talking about sex. He said if he has gone to bed with someone he was dating, it never took 3 weeks. I told him I will never go to bed with anyone I'm "dating". I even told him he is insulting me by acting like he doesn't believe me.
I came home. Was home for about 2 minutes when I heard some loud music, to find my 18 year old son had just pulled up in my driveway. Well, needless to say, it wasn't a "Hallmark" moment. I was honest with everything I said, though. I think he was, too.
This is the first time I have seen him since August 13th, and I've been hurting, but I didn't realize how much. I couldn't just be superficial and cheery with "how are you doing?" and fake cheesy smiles. I asked questions, from my heart, and I spoke from my heart, they just weren't "happy" heartfelt words. He wouldn't or couldn't look me in my eyes. I have to just let him go away. He is exactly like his father and I can't take it anymore.
Hmmm, can we tell I'm not doing too great tonight? Sorry.

Sorry to read that you and your son cannot get along.What is with the friction between you and your son,if you don't mind me asking?

[Serenity432001]

God bless you msbradley.   I so feel your pain with your son.  I've been to hell and back with mine and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do was to set boundaries with him.  You'll be in my prayers about your son and your dating situation.  Dating in this day and age can be so tough.  Back in the 90's I think most guys I went out with had a 3 date rule--if you didn't sleep with them by the third date something was wrong with you--I can imagine how it must be today.  It is tough to find someone these days that also wants to wait till marriage.  Again, you are in my prayers

Lisa P

[msbradley]

Thanks Lisa. I think I'm going to tell my friend I just can't do this. I will give her encouragement to help her quit smoking, but I'm just not interested in dating around. Hmmm, I didn't say dating, I said dating around. I think that proves I think this challenge is degrading. If I want to say 'no", for whatever reason, I should be able to say it!!!
Starla, as for my son...like my daughter has told me a million times, he has always been more than I could handle all by myself. He didn't respect me and wouldn't obey my rules. I'd tell him he couldn't do this or that and he did it anyway. Constantly threw it in my face that I couldn't stop or control him. He'd ask to borrow my car, when I'd say no and explain why, he still walked out the door and took off in it. We'd be home, then he'd be gone. He wouldn't ask or even tell me he was leaving.
I asked what was different about the rules here than at his father's and he said "none, really". I said "yes, there is, you obey him and wouldn't obey me" He says it's better there. "More structure. Someone is always home." (His step-mother). I asked if his dad knew he drinks and he said yes!!!!!!!!!
Said his dad lets him drink at home, just doesn't want him to drive when he's been drinking!!!!!!!!! It just makes me sick!! I was speechless (after I said "oh my gosh" in disgust!!! I asked why he came to my house to have sex with some girl and make me have to clean it up and he just said "I don't know". I said, it was just another way for him to show me he disrespects me. I asked if he gets his Social Security money ($520 a month because his dad turned 62 last year and started getting SS). He said yes, he gets the money and that's how he was able to buy his car. I asked if he knows I'm going to have to pay over $400 a month child support for him and he said his dad has told him any money I pay will be given to my son!!!!!!!!!!! Proof my ex doesn't need my money to help support him. This boy, is going to be handed around $1000 a month!!!! I think the whole thing is totally irresponsible!!!!!!! It just makes me sick.
Hmmm, I'm beginning to see why I woke up at 3:50, with only 3.5 hours of sleep...

[Serenity432001]

Boy, your scenerio with your son sounds so familiar.  Mine ended up in detention since he would not mind me and it was the one time I was actually glad that his biological father was not in his life or I would not have been able to do what I had to do as hard as it was I still think better than dealing with an ex--my heart goes out to you but I know nothing is too big for God and He will see you through!  Many blessings

[msbradley]

Serenity, you honestly don't know how much you and your replies mean to me. I am so grateful to be here just because of people like you and Starla.
I called my son 4 times today to just get his voice mail. My daughter told me she was afraid my son had come over to visit me and all I did was gripe to him. I understood what she meant. Like he sat here going "and here goes Mom, gripe, gripe, gripe, gripe." I really wasn't griping. I was honestly speaking from my heart, trying to reach his. I have first hand experience knowing there are people who don't have a conscience. My ex doesn't. There is some chromosome messed up or missing in my ex and my son seems to be like him. Well, finally around 6 pm my son called to tell me he just got out of the emergency room from having a bad carwreck today. In April he had back surgery having 2 disks fused together. He said they did x-rays and his back is OK. He said he hit his head on the window and a knee on the ...something. I talked with him the whole time my ex's wife was in Wal-Mart getting his prescriptions filled. I miss him tremendously. I have been in this boy's life everyday of his life except for the past 4 months. His father has only chosen to do the bare minimum-every other weekend, every other holiday and 2 weeks in June and 2 in August. $100 a month, no more, no matter the need or the situation. I wish him dead. Don't bother telling me that isn't right. I am aware of that. You can pray for me, I do. I was better for about 10 years, but those feelings have surfaced again. This horrible man has been in my life since I was 18. You better believe I WAS HARD on my daughter when she was a teenager about her responsibilities to have good character and morals. Only once did she have a scary yucky boyfriend. All the others were super nice, caring, gentle young men. Her husband is a very good husband and daddy. I love and respect him very much for the way he treats my precious girls (my daughter and her 1 year old daughter).
Well, for the dating part...my friend who lives by Ft Worth called me this morning and we had an hour long talk. I told her everything I could remember and everything I am feeling and going through with my 18 year old. She is my "earthly, talking" rock. I know God sent her to me and she says she feels the same, and neither of us can figure out what the other sees in the other. Well, I saw David unexpectedly tonight. We had no plans since I always have to work on Friday nights. After I talked with my son (for about 45 minutes), I called David. We met for dinner and I told him there is just too much going on that I need to pay attention to and don't have time to be throwing dating in the middle of it. He said he isn't letting me go. He wants to do Christmas with me tomorrow, since he is going out of town Sunday morning and won't be back until Tuesday and then leaves early Thursday for Las Vegas and Arizona and won't be back until the 2nd or 3rd, I forgot when... He says I only have to put up with him for one more day (tomorrow) and then he'll be gone for a week and a half and that will have given me time to go through all my emotions and situations. He said "you're worth fighting you for". I thought that was really cute. I was crying and that made me crylaugh!! He said I'm expecting him to want to run away from me because I have a life just like everyone else that has things happen in it that I wish wouldn't and don't know how to handle. He and my friend did remind me I'm going through this for a reason. He told me to stop looking for the reason and just deal with stuff as it comes.
Please pray for my son and his injuries and his heart and relationship with me. I miss him.

[spurly]

Msbradley, I'm sorry to hear about Dalen.  Hopefully one day the light will go on - that is my prayer anyway.  Take it slow this week and just catch your breath.

[msbradley]

Kevin, please keep him in your prayers. It hurts so much.

[janine]

msbradley, you are right to not let a man, no matter how well-intentioned he seems, no matter how much you wish you had someone to lean on -- you are right to not let him set the two of you up as... sheesh, what would you call it?  Friends with bedroom privileges? Booty buddies!?

Can you remind us how old your son is?  And whether or not he has diagnosed mental/emotional difficulties?

[msbradley]

Janine, my son just turned 18 Sunday. Diagnosed? Last month, I did receive a bill for a psych visit for my son, but I don't know the reason for or the outcome of the visit. Diagnosed? By me, yes, by a prof, I don't know. His father and I divorced when he was 1. All his life he has believed attention for bad behavior is good because, after all, it is still attention. He totally disrespects me. I used to be very intelligent, but he knows he is way smarter than I, so I am stupid. I asked him tonight if he really thought he would ever pull back his fist and hit his dad or his dad's wife in the jaw like he has me and he said they don't ever make him mad like I did. I tried to explain to him it is because he respects them and not me. One time he jumped up and punched me in the jaw just because I was trying to get him to get up and go to school.

I just realized it's after 1:30. I've been up since 3:50. So, if I stay up for another 2 hours and 15 minutes, it will be like the good ol' days in my 20's...nahhhhh!!

[janine]

This computer has GOT to be wrong.  It says it's almost 3:30 a.m.!!!

Might it have helped to hold the boy responsible?  Like, to have called the law on him?

[sassi]

The question: "How to find a spouse God's Way?"

I would love to hear some advice on courtship and the way it should be.

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. - Matthew 6:33-34

i'd say this verse is something that everyone who is in a relationship or wants to be in a relationship needs to apply first and foremost in their lives. The important thing to do is to make sure our lives are in line with what the Lord wants and be willing to allow Him to have His way in our lives. We need to be constantly growing closer to Him so His desire become our own.