I don't really need advice. I don't need feedback. All I really need is a place online to put this so that it's out there somewhere. But feel free to reply if you want.
A few years ago I was asked by a close friend to help with the music at his wedding and help clean up afterwards. This is a friend who, looking back, only ever seems to call on me when he needs something. But that's not important. What is important is that at the rehearsal before the wedding I met the maid of honor. I remember the second I first saw her clearly. She wasn't the prettiest girl in the room, she wasn't anyone I would have thought I would ever date, but the second I saw her my heart felt that pull that only people who have felt it will understand. I didn't know anything about her, but I knew I wanted to.
We talked that night, and the following night after the wedding we went out with the group of people who were in the wedding. It wasn't until about a week after the wedding that I got the courage to even ask my friend's new wife for her number. I just knew she wasn't interested, but I had to take my shot. Less than a week later we went out for the first time.
During all of this time she had mentioned a daughter which didn't bother me. I like being around kids. But she also mentioned a medical issue that had left her unable to have any more children. At the time, I wasn't worried about that. I was too far in love with this girl I had just met to think of anything other than how wonderful she was.
And boy was she wonderful. I've never been in a relationship that was so easy, so comfortable, or so effortless. Nothing mattered to us. I loved her no matter what, and she loved me no matter what. I've never felt anything quite like the love I felt from her. I don't think there is anything quite like the love I felt from her. It was complete, unconditional, and unwavering.
This went on for about 6 months or so until I started thinking about marriage. We were living together as a family by then and she and I had been talking about getting married. That's when that little voice in my head started to speak to me. Quietly at first, but as we got more and more serious about marriage, the thoughts got louder and harder to ignore. I want children of my own. I've already been a step father once for a woman who wouldn't have my child; do I really want to marry someone who no matter what they want, is physically incapable of having them?
I didn't do the smart thing next. As intelligent as I am, I never do the smart thing when it involves talking about my feelings. I guess it's just kinda my thing...
Instead of talking about it, I ran. I ended things and ran. No warning shot, I just packed up and moved. Yup, I'm an a**hat.
A few months later, we started to talk again. She was mad. I didn't blame her. Still don't. While we were talking, we admitted that our feelings hadn't changed. I never stopped loving that woman even for a second, and being the angel that she is, she had continued to love me even after I walked out. We agreed to try again, slowly, and with communication this time. And the second time, at least she knew what my problem was. We couldn't do anything about it, but at least we could talk about it openly. Again, I moved back in and life went on as normal.
That fall, her grandfather passed away and I went with her to the funeral. Actually, I sat outside of the funeral with her daughter while everyone else was in the church. The funeral was on the coast and her entire family spent the week down there together. I had met her parents, and some of her other family members before. Her sister had stayed with us for a while after a medical scare, and her brother was around. But I really liked her family. They weren't rich. Not even well into the middle class. They weren't all well educated, though none of them were dumb. They were just great people. And they accepted me, warts and all.
Guess what I did next.
If you guessed "run," give yourself a pat on the back as you've guessed correctly. Just after we got back we started having trouble with her daughter. She's incredibly cute, and she's as sweet as she can be, but she has a case of ADHD that'll just leave you gasping. It was getting too much for me to handle and that voice came back into my head telling me that I didn't want to be stuck dealing with someone else's kid and never have one of my own.
We didn't talk for a while after that one. I actually thought I had lost her completely. Yeah, I deserved to have lost her, but that doesn't mean that I wanted it to happen. It was months before we spoke again. I had just met someone else, she had just moved to a different city a couple of hours away, and we started to chat from time to time. We still loved each other and we both knew it. But that voice had never gone away. I knew better, so I kept seeing the girl I had met a few weeks before. That went well, even though the whole time I was with her I knew it wasn't who I actually wished I could have been with.
In the year that I dated the new girl, Samantha (first girl) met someone else, and they seem to be happy together. We talked a few times that year about just ditching the others and getting back together, but it never happened. It just never seemed to be the right time for one of us.
I ended up breaking up with that other girl. Partially because I still hope that Samantha and I will wind up together, and partially because I'm just the guy who runs. But now Sam and I talk every day. We haven't seen each other in nearly 6 months, but we find time to talk almost nightly while we're both on the computer. It's not romantic, we aren't telling each other how much we miss each other's touch. Just friendly chatter.
I don't want to be the cause of her and her boyfriend breaking up. I figure I've ended enough of her relationships for a life time with the two I ran out on. I don't even know that a third chance would be any different than the first two. I mean it's not like the problem that made me run earlier has magically fixed itself. She still can't have another child. But you know what, not a bit of that matters to me.
I sat down to write this just so that I could get my feelings out. I didn't even know what those feelings really were. I write to discover, and what I've discovered tonight is that I still love Sam just as much as I did the very first second I laid eyes on her. I love her as much as I did the night we spent on the back porch with her family at the beach drinking and making fun of the penguin she has tattooed on her ankle. No. I love her more than that because I now fully realize just how great she is. I never once felt the need to lie to her or hide a part of me from her. I knew she would love me anyway.
The saddest part of all of this is that even if I wanted to; and trust me, I do; I'll never be able to ask her to take me back again. I couldn't do it to her. I couldn't ask her to risk a third walk out by me when I get scared again. I won't. But I'll always wish I could.