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Offline grace215

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Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 15:57:53 »
Hello all,
I wanted to post this question in a forum like this because I’m hoping to get some good opinions and maybe Bible verses to back up answers.  I’m in a relationship with a great guy……very attractive.  I’ve known him for about 13 years now and dating for about 1 year.  It bothers me that he is overly friendly.  I think that some woman (and men) may take his friendliness the wrong way (as flirting).  I have mentioned it to him but it’s like he can’t help it or maybe he thinks that I’m just insecure.  I honestly don’t know what it is.  I just know that he will hold a 20 minute conversation with a female stranger while I’m there and it makes me feel some kind of way.  Am I wrong for feeling this way?  How is he when I’m not there?  I wonder if I should move on to someone a little less “friendly

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Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 15:57:53 »

Offline tennman

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #1 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 18:31:47 »
That's really hard to say since I haven't seen him in "action." Maybe he's just a talker. Is he playful and joking around with these girls? That's usually flirting. It does sound a bit odd. I'm wondering if you can easily say that you can move on...why are you with him? I mean, if it's that simple.

I wouldn't be in a serious relationship with someone that I could just move on from. It'd need to be intense and I'd have to be really passionate about them. Not able to just move on.

You know? Is that how you feel?

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #1 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 18:31:47 »

Offline grace215

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #2 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 23:07:14 »
Thank you for your reply.  He is definitely a talker.  Sometimes I could sit the phone down and he'd never know (of course I never tried it though).  My thing is, since he's attractive and on top of that really extra friendly, women may get the wrong idea.  I know I would especially single women.  He seems naive in this area and I try to tell him how single women sometimes think when you're in their face, smiling with your big white teeth and giving them soooo much attention.  It doesn't matter what you're talking about.  If you show so much attention to the opposite sex, someone is bound to take it the wrong way. 

It would be very difficult to leave him but I've thought about it because I feel terrible when he does this and it seems like he'll never change this.  If it's me that needs to change, I need to know how.  Other than this overly friendly issue, he's a really good man.

Offline grace215

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #3 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 23:09:47 »
Also, he'll laugh with them but not really joking around.  Nothing that says he's obviously flirting. I just think it's too much attention. 

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #3 on: Tue Mar 06, 2012 - 23:09:47 »
Pinterest: GraceCentered.com

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #4 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 03:20:49 »
Hmmm this is hard, because where does friendliness end and flirting begin? Does he do this with men as much as women or is it mainly women? I have to say that if he was talking to another lady for 20 mins and ignoring me, I wouldnt feel happy either, and I do think that you are right about what the other women may think. If you dont like and it and it makes you feel uncomfortable then I would think and pray hard about whether he is the right guy. It may be that he is enjoying this female attention rather too much and wont give it up without a fight.
Also if you have told him how it makes you feel, and he wont change anything, what does that say about his love for you?
Red flags here, waving high.

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #4 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 03:20:49 »



Offline grace215

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #5 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 09:01:38 »
Yes, he does this with men and women.  He normally will say that it's because of my bad experiences in the past why I feel this way.  That may contribute however, I know how women think sometimes. I don't think he knows.  He thinks that everyone has a pure heart. 

He was talking to a baker at the grocery store for 20 minutes.....total stranger.  It really really upset me.  I feel like "why do you have to connect with so many women"?  Maybe that's why he's 40 and never been married.  Sometimes I'm tempted to show him how it feels but I don't think that's right and he might still not get it.

He's calmed it down a little but I know that when I'm not around, he's mister talkative.  I know this because he tells me stories.  "Oh I was talking to this young lady about this.....talking to this nice young lady about that.....blah blah blah."  I don't want to keep complaining about it. 

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #6 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 11:04:33 »
If he knows that it upsets you why does he even tell you things like "I was talking to this nice young lady...."
Has he ever had a serious relationship before? Few men in the church get to 40 without being married, there are SO many women around to each man, and if he is so good looking, why wasnt he snapped up long ago I am wondering.

Offline grace215

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #7 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 14:41:51 »
I don't know why he tells me stuff sometimes. I think he's just used to these types of conversations in his relationship....maybe that's the reason he never really had relationships that lasted.  Not many women want to hear too much of that type of stuff.  It's like he's praising these women.....but not in a "i want to get with her" kind of way but just really admiring the "nice young ladies that he meets".  Honestly, I think this is why he was never married PLUS he's very very picky and has some feminine ways (and one of his close friends has feminine ways which could make you wonder but I've flat out asked him if he ever questioned his sexuality and he said "no".)  Some women aren't willing to take that chance.  I feel like I really know him and I believe him.  Also, he felt like women in the past were rushing him to marriage.  I think he's just scared of change personally.

He's dated plenty of women i'm sure but there's quite a few things that he does that would turn a woman off.  If he had not been such a good friend to me, if we didn't have such a positive history then once I found these things out, I would have moved on to the next.  BUT we were friends for a while, lost touch and now we're dating.  So I don't want to just leave my good friend alone. It would break his heart and mine.  I'm really trying to work with him (because he has a lot of good qualities) and also trying to see if maybe I should make some changes.  Idk though. 

Offline JohnDB

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #8 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 16:24:25 »
OK. Well I can tell you from a total extrovert point of view that these other women don't stand a chance of leading him astray. Most likely his morals will never allow him to cheat.

But you can & should make him understand that when he is with you those conversations are disrespectful towards you. And then watch the change in his behavior.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #9 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 16:41:55 »
Grace he is 40, do you think he may have committment issues? If he has been out with many women, maybe there are things that have made them think twice(or 3 or 4 times). Be very careful, there do seem to be several things that you arent sure about. You can still be friends even if he isnt the man who you think its right for you to marry. I dont know how old you are, but ask God to make it clear if this guy is the one for you.

graciemay

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #10 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 20:03:41 »
If he is doing this with men AND women, then it sounds like he's just very outgoing. It's hard to discern not knowing him.

You mentioned that he is naive about how his actions may be interpreted. Maybe...but at 40 I question that. I would be more inclined to believe he just doesn't think it's a big deal.   

Maybe he is talking to you about his conversations as a way to share his day? It could be that simple.  

Another conversation needs to happen where you make him understand your position. Make him really hear you. Don't let him dismiss how you feel by brushing it off as issues from your past. Then see  what happens.

The bottom line is, you feel the way you feel. And he should respect that.  
« Last Edit: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 20:11:57 by graciemay »

Offline grace215

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #11 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 21:59:44 »
chosenone: I am 36 with children from previous relationships.  That's one of the reasons why I'm trying to be more patient with him b/c it will be a huge responsibility for any man to take on.  I will pray.  I've also thought about fasting too.  I think he's afraid to take such a big step....even if I didn't have kids.  He seems like he's afraid of change.

graciemay: You're right he doesn't think it's a big deal.  He's sharing his day but I guess I get irritated b/c i know how friendly he probably was with the ladies so I'm just normally stuck on how did they take the conversation. My mom suggested talking to him again and letting him know how serious this is for me.  So I guess I need to do that.

Thank you all for the input.  Just posting on here has made me feel a little better.

Offline grace215

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #12 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 22:03:24 »
Thank you JohnDB.  He is definitely an extrovert and I'm somewhat the opposite.  Anyway, I don't think that he would cheat on me (otherwise he would've been cut off).  I will talk to him again.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #13 on: Wed Mar 07, 2012 - 23:11:30 »
Grace, the fact that you have children makes is even more important that you make sure he is the one who God wants for you.
Does he give them time? Has he got a good relationship with them? Does he make an effort to get to know them?  As you know if you do ever marry, he will be taking them on as well as you. After going out for a year does he ever mention marriage? You are 36 and 40 so not so young any more, and after a year I am sure that you are thinking about marriage.(I certainly would be!)
I married my husband when we were in our late 40's, my 3 kids were older than yours, aged 19, 23 and 25, but I knew that he would treat them in the same way as his kids, aged 18 and 21, and he does. As far as he is concerned they are his and they love and respect him a lot.
I pray that you make the right decision and that God will make it clear what to do.

Offline DaveW

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #14 on: Thu Mar 08, 2012 - 10:54:13 »
Grace - let me tell you about my step dad (of blessed memory).

He and my mom married when I was 11.  He was an outgoing friendly sort who was very clear on his morals (almost to being a prude).

But when we went out to eat, he would always 'flirt' with the waitresses. Or at least it looked that way to me. (I have an absolute disdain for flirting) It actually embarressed me at times. But my mom  seemed ok that he was talking so personally to girls young enough to be his own kids. (he was 11 years older than she)

That continued most of his life. He never even hinted of cheating and my mom knew that so she was ok with it.

That is just the way some people relate. It is a part of who they are. If you get married to this guy do not expect that to change.

Offline stevehut

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #15 on: Thu Mar 08, 2012 - 11:02:17 »
Grace, no one in here can answer your question, and no one in here should try.

You say you both love the Lord. I hope that means you both are active in church, and in the SAME church. The only people qualified to answer this question are mature believers who know you both and have seen him in action.

Offline shols

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #16 on: Fri Mar 09, 2012 - 03:17:02 »
i think u should just calm down and try 2 study him... i feel that's his nature.at least he does it to your face,not at your absence.be more flexible, and accept him for who he is ...but you could also encourage him to be less friendly with the opposite sex...

Offline grace215

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #17 on: Sat Mar 10, 2012 - 14:56:30 »
Thank you all.

Chosenone - yes, he loves my kids.  My baby is 2 and he's the only dad that she knows.  He's awesome to my kids!  He asked a few times to take my oldest son out bowling or something but it never happened.  I'm sure it would if I followed up.  Yes, he will discuss marraige with me when i bring it up. Or sometimes he'll say things like "I want my wife to do this or that....." or "I want my household to be this way or that way".  So I guess that counts.

Stevehut - I agree that no one can tell me what to do but I really needed some opinions and support right now.

We both attend church regularly but not the same church.  His church is far away and I have 5 kids to get ready on Sun. morning, he's extremely punctual and I don't think that would go over to well yet.  I'm not driving or else I would visit more. 

happypromises

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #18 on: Sun Mar 11, 2012 - 18:15:28 »
Grace
My then-boyfriend used to be VERY friendly with waitresses and other women....and because he has these really intense eyes, I could see them melting under his 'spell'.  It used to drive me nuts!   I would drop hints, but he wouldn't get it.  In the end, I had to isolate what it was I was 'feeling'.  I realised that when he did this, I felt invisible, like I didn't matter to him anymore - so that's what I told him, when he got engrossed in these chats, I felt completely invisible.    It was very easily fixed - he just started including me in the conversation too - so he would say something really deliberate like 'My girlfriend says that I...' and sort of point in my direction.   That made me feel included, but it also gave the women a very clear signal, that he was 'taken'.

And  now, onto the slightly meatier part - I thought it was interesting you mentioned his 'feminine' ways.   Not to scare ya, but my other half struggles with sexuality issues and I ignored a lot of stuff like this in the beginning of the relationship.  I just thought, 'he is with me, he is obviously sexually attracted to me, so therefore he can't be.' 

Wrong.    Ok, to be fair, he isn't 'gay' but he has wrestled with his sexuality and got himself into some addictive behaviours that have nearly killed our relationship.    The fact that you have asked him, tells me that this may bother you a little, on some level.   Don't ignore your instinct on this.   You don't have to give in to fear either....but don't stick your head in the sand either.  It may turn out to be completely nothing at all....but always best to find out now.   ::lookaround::

graciemay

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #19 on: Tue Mar 13, 2012 - 20:29:13 »
Whatever the outcome, I hope it brings you peace and happiness.  ::smile::

Offline catherine26

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #20 on: Sun Mar 18, 2012 - 02:32:39 »
Hi, Grace 215:

First, I like the name you are using.  Second, if your gut tells you something is wrong or suspect, then something is wrong or suspect, I believe.
If I were dating this guy and didn't have an answer by this time and I couldn't glean one, I would really start thinking about moving on.  The man is supposed to "Love the woman like Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her" and it doesn't sound like he is doing this with you, and especially after you have tried to talk with him about your concerns.  To me, if he really cared about you, he would make an effort to not only explain what is going on, but would say that he would try to change, and if he couldn't, be willing to discuss this as a couple wth a Christian counselor or pastor.
Good luck and God bless you in your "search for the truth."

Catherine26

Offline wolflet7

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #21 on: Sun Apr 08, 2012 - 10:00:59 »
Personally, it sounds like your boyfriend is really friendly.  But in a good way.  I highly doubt your boyfriend will "drop you and move on" to another girl.  I've been reading this book written by two Christians called How to Deal with Annoying People.  It talks about the four social styles; Analyst, Driver, Amiable, and Expressive.  It sounds like your boyfriend is definitely an Expressive social style.  He is very talkative and values his relationships a lot and loves to make small talk.  It appears as if your boyfriend is a very social person, much like myself.  I have recently gotten out of a relationship and although I am not looking for another girlfriend ANYTIME soon, I love to make small talk with people, even girls.  I hope this helps, more to post after church!

Offline wolflet7

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #22 on: Mon Apr 09, 2012 - 21:13:43 »
As you could probably tell, I'm also an "Expressive" type of personality.  People like me and your boyfriend absolutely love social interaction of any kind.  Expressives tend to get bored easily and love making new connections, so maybe that's what he's doing.

If I were you, I would pray about it.  Ask the Lord to lead you into action or not.  Hope this helps!

Offline FollowHisGrace

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #23 on: Tue Apr 10, 2012 - 09:31:42 »
Like some of the others have said, I would study not just what he says but what he does.  Sometimes body language can tell a whole story.

Here's a question, however.  Is this man a Christian?  If so, does his expressive nature ever lead to an opportunity to witness?  I participate on another Christian site.  When I first came across this site, I remember thinking that the man running it was quite a flirt.  Wow, he's slick! I thought.  Then, after a bit of direct (cautious) dealings with him, I realized that what I mistook for flirting was genuine Christian love and concern for those he came in contact with.  He has reached so many people for Christ because of his openness.

I guess I should clarify that it was NOT a dating site!  It was a Bible Study site!  I am quite happily married!  I was participating in Bible studies   ::eek::!

Offline stevehut

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #24 on: Fri Apr 13, 2012 - 17:23:21 »
No one who doesn't know both of them well, should attempt to advise them on this question.

If they can't agree even on a common church to attend, they shouldn't be together.

Offline fcadcock

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #25 on: Sat Apr 14, 2012 - 18:44:38 »
No one who doesn't know both of them well, should attempt to advise them on this question.

If they can't agree even on a common church to attend, they shouldn't be together.

Didn't you just do what you said you shouldn't do in the previous sentence?

Offline stevehut

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #26 on: Sat Apr 14, 2012 - 22:53:02 »
Didn't you just do what you said you shouldn't do in the previous sentence?

Nope. I responded to new information.

If they can't agree on a religion, that makes the answer easy.

Offline psalm22

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Re: Is my boyfriend too friendly or is it just me?
« Reply #27 on: Thu May 17, 2012 - 18:55:22 »
Grace,

      I am a very outgoing and expressive person and by some standards, a flirt.  In the past I have been a bit oblivious to other peoples reactions.  As I have grown I am much more in tune with perceiving others reactions from what they say to body language etc.  There have been some times in the past that I have gotten some awkward and uncomfortable responses and now I am much more careful but by no means less friendly or outgoing.  I would not get along with someone that did not like that or wanted me to change it.
      The only aside I will make is that if he is with you and completely disengages from you to talk with others I can see how that would be an issue.  When I am with someone, wife, friend or associate, I am no less outgoing but I always introduce and include those that I am with.  If the folks I am with wish to excuse themselves from a conversation they usually do.  If you find he acts like you are wallpaper when he is making nice I would say something like "Hey honey,  I have always loved your friendly and outgoing nature.  I have noticed lately that when we are tog eather and you strike up a new conversation, you neither introduce me or include me in the discussion.  That makes me feel isolated and unimportant.  I don't want you to stop being friendly, I just want you to include me.
      While I think we can gather his personality type or communication style, I wonder what yours is.  If you are shy and reserved I can understand how you may be polar opposites.  One thing that you keep saying really bothers me though.  You keep mentioning that you know how women think or that some women may see it as opportunity.  Neither you, nor he can controll how others react or what they get up to.  Just by sheer probability we all will run across people that are attracted to us and some that do not share our convictions or moral code.  What is important is how we respond.
       If you love this man, or anyone for that matter,  you love him.  You must love others for the total package.  You cannot love someone in spite of their faults or the things you think they need to change.  You must love someone FOR their faults...and all the good stuff to. 
        If you trust him and believe that he honors you and would not be unfaithful then I suggest that you learn to love it.  I would also suggest you take some time to be introspective and be honest with yourself about the insecurities you may have.

        I am engaged to a very beautiful and very outgoing lady.  She is the type of person that turns heads and lights up a room.  She is never at a loss for attention and will engage nearly anyone.  I know there are people that get the wrong ideas and there are people who's intentions are not as pure as I would like.  I have seen and know of plenty of times she has to rebuff the advances of others and she always does so with kindness and grace.  I know I have two choices.  I can love her for who she is and trust her love for me to always do the right thing.  On the other hand,  I could try and change her.  If she were less outgoing and friendly then it would reduce, but not eliminate those with other than honerable interest in her.  I will always choose the first.  I know that trying to get her to be something or someone she is not would only result in building frustration and resentment.

       I cannot tell you if you are right for each other.  I can say, based on what you have said, that if either of you requires a drastic change in personality to be a fit for each other than it is unlikely to work and you may not be the one to decide that first.




















































 

     
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