Need Advice: I dont like him that way, should I?

[nicky234]

I am 26 years old. I do not have a lot of people to turn to when it comes to relationship advice. Frankly, I feel like the responses I get from most Christians are way too redundant and religious... "Keep waiting, the right guy will come around." "you'll know it when it happens" blah blah blah. (sorry for the cynicism)

I have been in a lot of broken relationships. I was molested in my early adolescent years and family dysfunction surrounds me. I moved away from home about several years ago to attend Bible college, and later on to work in full time ministry. I am hundreds of miles away from home. Bitter sweet... away from the drama, but I still miss my family.

A few years ago, I was reacquainted with an old friend from church. This is the guy that I have known since I was 12. He lives back home. and he has expressed interest in me. He is a great guy... saved, smart, educated... and called to ministry. We have a lot in common -- and he has expressed how he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. My parents and his parents think its a wonderful thing.

The problem? I'm not attracted to him. I see him as a friend, and anything more sickens me to the core.

In a lot of ways I see him as immature and not able to relate to my problems. Maybe I am too proud and have placed unrealistic expectations... or maybe these feelings merit some thought.

He asked me out almost a year ago, and I have been giving him one excuse after the other. Either my past hurts, my continuous family dysfunction, or my work/position in ministry keeps me too busy to pursue this long-distance relationship with him. I haven't completely told him off -- because (1) I'm not sure I want to... and (2) I don't really know how to do it in a nice way.

I feel horrible -- In some respects, I feel like I have been playing him. and I do not want to do that. I am just not ready to move forward.
That is an excuse he does not want to accept. He just wants me to give him a shot. And I do not really want to go there...

Bottom line... He likes me. I like him as a friend, nothing more.
I have no emotions or feelings for him. There is no physical attraction. I feel like he is a dork. I hate even more admitting to this, but he is intellectually, socially, and emotionally... very awkward. I kind of feel like its the case with Urkel and Laura from Family Matters.

What should I do?
Tell him to move on?
Give in and try out a relationship?
Keep waiting it out until....?

[chosenone]

From what you have said tell him that it will never happen and that you just dont see him that way. Just becuase he and his parents and your parents think it is a 'good idea' doesnt mean that God wants you to be with a guy who you actually find  quite a turn off. It is you that would have to see him, look at him, kiss him, cuddle him and of course after marriage have sex with him. If that thought sickens you then dont even go there, he isnt for you. That seems crystal clear form your post.
There has to be some chemistry and some attraction for it to work.  Just because he is a nice man doesnt mean that he is the one for you. Be firm, tell him that there will never be anything in it and move on. it is fairer for him and for yourself also.

  It isnt a question of 'should' you seee him in that way, becuase the fact is that you dont and that is fine.

[Luna]

I would just tell him in the nicest way possible, that I'm not interested in him that way...

[Thankfulldad]

4
I feel horrible -- In some respects, I feel like I have been playing him. and I do not want to do that. I am just not ready to move forward.
That is an excuse he does not want to accept. He just wants me to give him a shot. And I do not really want to go there...

Bottom line... He likes me. I like him as a friend, nothing more.4

Let him know now...it will save you and him a lot of pain down the road.

Then, go to counseling regarding your family disfunction; this needs to be brought into the light so that you can heal. 

[nicky234]

thank you all. great advice. the hard part is putting it into play.

chosenone...
you put it plain and simple. my desires are the ones that matter.
 
but my heart has lead me wrong before. ever like someone one day and not the next? I guess I have to learn to trust myself.
im used to sacrifices. being the bigger person.  ill do what it takes to do what I think is right and honorable in Gods sight, but my weakness is hurting others. I hate rejectiion. giving it and receiving it. not a fun job.

"Let him know now...it will save you and him a lot of pain down the road."

makes sense. but I really value his friendship. and I know to a degree it will effect my parents relationship with his family. I've fought hard to keep peace in what's left of my family.
its  the topic of all of my conversations with God. and I've been slowly gaining ground... I don't want to screw things up because im rude and selfish.
I don't know how to tell him in a nice way.
my nice way hasn't worked so far. I know how to be mean, but I don't want to do that :(

"Then, go to counseling regarding your family disfunction; this needs to be brought into the light so that you can heal. "

hmm... amazing how u picked up on that.
I've been considering it for some time now. which is partly why im posting here.
I work in full time ministry and... im not sure who to turn to. sad, I know... but I would rather seehelp from an outsiders perspective. if that makes sense?
do u know any affordable... or free counseling services out there?

[JohnnO]

If the thought of him as more than a friend sickens you, then obviously he's not right for you.

Let him know immediately.

This is a time to be ruthless and let him know that there is no hope of you ever being attracted to him as more than a friend. Some guys will grab onto the smallest shred of hope and pine away, or worse, try to win you over.

The quick and total cut is the kindest of them all. Make sure he knows that while you value his friendship, there is no chance of a romantic future with him.

Also let him know that you want to remain his friend but understand if he can't remain friends with you.  Waving something in front of someone's face that they can never have is also cruel unless they want it that way. So make sure if you are going to remina friends that both parties know the entire truthful score.

[tennman]

Yep, be honest now. Leading him on hurts him doubly because he'll start to emotionally invest because he thinks you feel the same way about him. Tell him you think he's a nice person but you don't have romantic interest in him right now. Tell him that you're sorry and that you hope the two of you can still be friends. And then still be his friend. Don't just stop talking to him but don't ever let it get to a point where it appears romantic.

And it amazes me how some people, not just Christians, think the right guy or girl will fall in their lap with no effort or planning of any kind. Like a person to have a relationship with where you're compatible enough to make it the rest of your life will just appear one day. Thing in life that are worthwhile often take planning and purposefulness.

[IamStefanie]

Hi Nicky,
 I've been in this position myself and it sounds like our circstumstances have some similarities. I too met a guy almost two years ago. He's 10 years older than me and is different from any guy that I know at this point in my life. He is saved, goes to church, honest, works hard, very kind and patient. He treated me like a lady. But I was so NOT attracted to him. As far as his outer appearance goes, he was ok - I could stand to look at him :). But I just did not feel anything for him. And I knew I couldn't force myself to. I actually met him while I was with my ex in 07 (who, by the way, was not saved, although we went to church together he wasn't going by himself, did not treat my like a lady - verbally abusive, and did not work) but I did not actually go on a date with him until I broke up with my ex. We stopped talking a little while afterwards because he was just too awkward but then we kept running into each other so we exchanged numbers again. At this point, we went on a lovely date - church, lunch, and movies. And even in between lunch and movies, we talked about the bible! LOL. It was so cool though. I enjoyed myself. But I just did not feel that attraction with him. It was like going out with a really nice male friend. So, as we retired back to our homes, I called him maybe a day later and informed him that while I like his ways or whatnot, I do not feel any attraction toward him and I do not want to lead him on. So he says ok and we move on. However, 2 or 3 days later, he send me a text message and asks 'would you like to be my baby and be sweet for me???' WOW!!! I was shocked. I'm like dude what are you talking about?? Didn't we not just talk about this on Friday??? So, when he played that card, I told him that I was not cool or comfortable with this and we should not talk anymore. He was really hurt but I knew I could not attempt to be his friend if he wanted more for me and I hope the best for him and that he finds someone who wants him like he wants them....
So I my ultimate advice to you is to be honest with him and let it go. If he wants me from you that what you can give him, let him go and find that lady who is on mutual terms with him.

God bless you
Stefanie

[yesult]

Give in and 'try out' the relationship and you'll probably just get unhappier and unhappier, cause him pain, and compound all your feelings of being ungrateful when 'God' has provided such a 'nice' man.

Run.

If the thought of having sex with him grosses you out. Seriously. Run.

It's not fair to him or you to keep the thing going. He deserves someone who thinks he's the biggest stud in the universe and the man of their dreams.

[pray for her]

i'm in the exact opposite position...

i prayed for a woman to come..
i didn't care what she looked like or anything
i just trusted god after years of looking for my own "type"

i got the vision
trusted the spirit
sat down
forgot about it
and within the hour she knocked on my door...

that was five years ago
it was intimidating, she's 10 years younger than me,  and i backed off\
 
two other girlfriends later and now we're even closer
she's a jew,

god keeps reminding me that she's the one and to believe, wait, and just obey him...

BUT
she has expressed that she'll never feel that way for me and reminds me that it will always mean more to me than her....
but little means much to her and so on....
the more i pray,  the closer to god i feel, the more peace i receive and the closer me her become...

so my advice would be to pray, obey, live in faith, and in all seriousness don't listen to the world's advice...
if you're not "sexually attracted" to someone whom you're not married to then i would consider that a blessing...

attractions grow and die and vary...

think about it...

[babe]

Well, now.  I really hate that awkward position of invoking God's guidance as reason to persist with someone who just doesn't like you that way.  I guess I learned the hard way on that one.  Nowadays when I feel an attack of positive certainty coming on, I quickly check my bearings. . . . why am I wanting this??

Sounds like maybe asking for a sign, or at least a certainty.  You could find someone who's a match on all of your "must" points tomorrow.  A year from now you might have driven him to drink with your honey-do lists.

Follow peace instead of certainty.  Be friend enough to understand and move along easily if it's not something the other wants.    If you treat others with understanding and goodwill freely given, one of these days there'll be someone who does that for you, too.  Then maybe you can both look at the idea of a future together, and maybe you will be able to have peace along your way too.

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

Whether you should or not...if you don't, then you don't.

[TracyLove]

It sounds to me like you need better socialization skills to meet someone who you find more captivating.  People from dysfunctional families have learned the kind of social skills they need to survive within their family.  These skills don't work with others.  Only dating church friends can be extremely limiting and works for very few people.  Be more open minded and date outside your denominational boundaries.  Deal with any baggage you have from being molested.  You may be going in to relationships with a negative image of sex and poor social skills.

-Tracy Love

[comfy]

So, Nicky, you're in full-time ministry and don't know who to turn to.

Well, if this guy isn't someone you know you can turn to . . . I'd say he is not functioning as your "head" whom God has you knowing you can trust to help you. We do have Ephesians 5:23 > "For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body." So, if he is not growing with you in a relationship in which God is making Him your head whom you trust . . . then I would say whether or not he is attractive to you is a *decoy* issue to get your attention away from what really matters.

And I would think it is good to make sure we have people who we trust for love and support and good example and correction . . . before we go into a full-time ministry. Like in marriage, we need to have the oneness and trust we need with the right people, before we go into ministry. So . . . here you are a full-time person but you do not have people who you have first gotten into trust with so you would have them "there for you", now < am I correct to day this?

And you don't trust your family members who are saying they think it would be a good idea for you to marry him? This not having ones you trust is adding up, in this picture.

Well, Nicky . . . I have been here. God can take care of this, very sweetly and beautifully, more than you can know, now. While we're at it >

"I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem,
 By the gazelles or by the does of the field,
 Do not stir up nor awaken love
 Until it pleases." (Song of Solomon 3:5)

In case t > h > i > s >  is legitimate > I'll offer my experience. I have been in various churches and involved with lots of different Christians. But I have kept on finding I was not staying with any person or church. What to do? I offered myself to God to make me genuine and honest in His love so I could have the sense and obedience to detect and get together with whoever He knows are the for-real Jesus people where I am. And as I have kept trusting God to do this with me . . . to *corrrect* me, of course, how I could never figure out, myself, to change myself, Nicky   > I have been discovering a church and people who are examples to me of how to relate in love, plus they draw me out to help them > the really right ones, I would say, do not ever treat me like I am less than they are.

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

And they even use my writing and speaking on the word, right in their services! And they can effectively correct me. This is very important . . . to be with people who can actually correct you in ways that you discover you so needed so you can find out better how to love and minister.

And if you get with a *family* of real Jesus people, you have a variety of love friends who all are fulfilling, better than so many *isolated* married couples are trying to be fulfilled but are failing > God will do better than that, in a variety of relationships . . . so you can minister this > if you are not enjoying this with God and people and spreading this to others, then what are you ministering???

So, God will bring us to better than all that we have been looking for. The Bible is full of this  

And, most of all > I am finding that I *first* need to submit to God, for how He will have me become with Him. And stay this way in all my relating, and this will help make sure I can't connect with the wrong people. By being how God is pleased to have me be, I am a "magnet" attracting to the others who are also in "the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." (in 1 Peter 3:4) "And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful." (Colossians 3:15) Stay with how God's peace rules you, and do not let any relating take you elsewhere. And I stay the way I want to be in a marriage, meaning being beautiful in His love's "gentle and quiet spirit" so pleasing to Him . . . so that I can get with a lady who is like this . . . in case God has her for me   If this is how you want to be, then I'd say become with God the way you will want to be in marriage so you are ready for whoever God will bring to share with you in this. And do not let anybody or anything change you from this.

[khelzy09]

to be fair, tell him what you feel about him
that you love him as a friend only and not more than that..
and the nice way to tell him is just to talk to him and let him realize that it won't worked between you two and give him time to move on..
and i believe there are no other ways of telling him about it without hurting him..