Needing some perspective

[lilyofthevalley]

Hi...I'm really new here, so I hope it's ok for me to post this...

Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this. I really, really appreciate it.

I'm really confused right now. I've been dating a Christian man for the last fourteen months. I really believed he was a good Christian and a good man, honest and trustworthy. He alwas spoke a lot about how commited and honest he was and how he never said "I love you" to anyone unless he was totally commited to them, and once he had made that commitment to a girl, he would never stop loving them unless they cheated on him (which I never did... I never even looked at anyone else, and he knew this.) He has been telling me for months that he loved me, that I was the one for him, and I loved him with all my heart. He had even made a public declaration of his love and comittment to me, saying in front of a lot of people that he would be "always and forever mine" and that he "would never let go of his love for me"...We had been seriously discussing marriage for at least six months, and less than three weeks ago he was telling me again how I was the one for him, how much he loved me,and how happy and excited he was about our future together.

 We had our disagreements, like any other couple, and something that I had a hard time dealing with was the fact that he got very angry whenever I had a different opinion than he did, even about something as simple and relatively unimportant as a tv show. I was trying hard to be patient and to work with him to resolve that issue through compromise.

Last week, seemingly out of nowhere, he wanted to break up. We hadn't had a fight, it just happened. I was hurt and bewildered, but I didn't try to hold on to him or anything; I said if that was the way he felt, then I agreed that it was probably best if we didn't stay together. I tried to be calm and reasonable, but I was heartbroken.
He asked if we could still be friends, and I agreed. He seemed to feel no emotion about it at all, and never said he was sorry it didn't work out or anything remotely kind or comforting...he never even said a word in return. He just said "I don't love you anymore." I accepted that, but I spoke straight from my heart and told him that I still loved him, and I asked him how he could say all those things so recently and then so suddenly not mean them. I asked him if he ever meant those things at all, and he wouldn't answer for a while, then said he meant them when he said them, but he didn't consider himself bound by them. He said, "Let this be a lesson to you not to believe everything you're told." I was so hurt and heartbroken, and I couldn't help crying, but I told him that he was still my brother in Christ, and I still cared about him and would be his friend if he wanted me to, and I prayed with him and asked God to bless him and bring him happiness and watch over him, and I said goodbye to him as kindly as I could and told him that even though I was very, very hurt I wished him all the best. He sat like a stone through it all, watched me cry, and said literally nothing...he didn't pray for me or say even one kind word. He was just so cold... After I prayed, I asked him if he wanted to say anything to me and he said, "No. I don't know who you are and you don't know me. Goodbye." As he leaving, he turned around and said, "What you just did wasn't normal. That's why I can't be with you." I asked him how it wasn't normal, and he wouldn't answer.

He showed absolutely no sign of any emotion at any point, no kindness, no concern, just...nothing. I accept that the relationship is over, but I'm still just completely heartbroken, confused, bewildered, and in shock. I know that God can get me through this, that He is always with me, no matter what any man does, and I trust in Him with all my heart, but I'm in so much pain that I feel physically ill. Today he called me up and told me that less than one week after breaking up with me he put his profile up on an online dating service to look for someone else. I asked him why he felt the need to tell me that, and he said he was "trying to just be my friend."

I don't understand how a Christian and a supposedly "honest and trustworthy man" (his words about himself) could think it's ok to treat someone that way. I know I was good to him during our relationship, because I sat there many times and listened to him tell his friends how caring and giving I was to him...I feel lied to, deceived, betrayed, and humiliated. Can someone please, please help me to get some perspective on what happened? Am I overreacting, or was I treated unfairly and unkindly? Fourteen months and he's looking for someone new in less than a week? What did I do at the end of our relationship that "wasn't normal"? I tried to handle it as I felt a Christian should, to be kind to him even though he hurt me badly and not to lash out at him in hurt and anger. I feel like I can never trust a man again, and like I'm too "not normal" for anyone to want to be in a realtionship with me again anyway...My self esteem has really suffered from this.  I could really use some perspective on this whole thing from other brothers and sisters in Christ.

I'm sorry this is so long, and again, thank you so very much to anyone who reads it or replies.



 

[chosenone]

YOu may not want to hear this but I think that from what you have said you are definately better apart from this man. I think he has some SERIOUS issues, and if you had married him I would have feared for you in that marriage.
Someone who has to keep saying that they are honest and trustworthy usually isnt. If a man IS honest and trustworthy he doesnt need to keep saying it.
Yes I do think that he acted appallingly towards you and as for him ringing you to say that he has gone on an online dating site one week after he left, that is just downright cruel and mean. The only reason I can think he did that is to hurt you.  I pity for any girl who he may meet there.If I were you I would have nothing to do with him anymore if that is what he thinks being a friend is.

It sounds as if you acted in a very kind and forgiving way, credit to you, not sure if I could have kept so composed  in your position.
To say that this will teach you not to trust what everyone says is weird, to say that you dont know him and he doesnt know you is also very strange after all that time.
My advice? Keep away from him, have nothing more to do with him, and Pray that God will find you a man who is acually honest and trustworthy, and not one that just says he is, but actually isnt.

When he said that you are 'not normal' I think he was refering to the godly way that you reacted when he told you. he was probably expecting you to get angry and lash out to him and instead you turned the other cheek and were forgiving. THAT is probably what he meant, not that you yourself are not normal. You sound like a very lovely normal lady to me, and a very godly one as well.
There are some good men out there, but he isnt one of them from what you have said. Also Please dont let him stop you from trusting anyone else. It may take time but trust can grow with the right person. 
 My first husband hurt me and my kids very very badly, but God has found me a very godly, honest and very trustworthy man who I am now married to  and I have learnt to trust him and others again. It can happen and will happen I am sure.
God Bless

[MrQuietGuy]

Well said, Choosenone. I agree 100%.

You know what they say about what to do when you fall off a horse. Get up and get right back on. If you don't your fear of horses will grow and grow until you will never be able to get back on.

Lilyofthevalley, as much as you hurt now, I think you should try to pull yourself out of it by dating other men. You may not feel like it, but if you don't your fear of men will grow to the point where you will never be able to overcome it.

Us guys are not all like him.

Tom M.

[fanuvmxpx]

If he said that you praying to God wasn't normal and that was one reason why he was leaving you then he is not a born-again Christian. Plain and simple. You are better off without him.

Bad company corrupts good morals, so I would re-consider his friendship as well.

[wolflet7]

In the decently long post, you never mentioned your love for him.  I'm not doubting at all that you loved the man, but I think he might have felt too giving by declaring his love for you and not receiving the same declaration/statement back in return.  I don't know if you told him that you loved him when you two started dating either.

That's theory one...or theory two is...

God told him to break up with you.  From the conversation that you two had when he was breaking up with you, the words he told you that were along the lines of, "Let this be a lesson to you not to believe everything you're told" really stood out and it looks like that was a sign from God, telling you something. 


I really hope I'm not right about those two theories and I really hope you will find someone new that will love you ten times as more as he did and stick to it until the end.  I am really sorry for your loss.  God works in many ways.  I will be praying for you Sister lily. 

[chosenone]

wllflet7
I think that if hed loved and her and God HAD told him to break up with her, he would have done it in a loving and compassionate way and not such a cruel and cold way.ALSO he would have been very upset himself and definately woudlnt have gone on a dating site a few days later.

I think she has had a very narrow escape myself, and God will have a good man for her who she CAN trust this time.

[lilyofthevalley]

Thank you very much to everyone who's taken the time to read and reply to my post. Your words have been so helpful to me at this time... God bless you all for your kindness.

Chosenone, thank you so very much for your wise and kind words. I can't tell you how much you've helped me to begin to come to terms with what happened. Although I am still hurting, I'm beginning to see that I probably did have a narrow escape from a life with someone who may not have been all that he seemed to be. I am so thankful to God for protecting me from being joined in marriage to someone who was not right for me. I believe the pain I am feeling now may very well be sparing me from feeling even greater pain later on...I have decided, after reading your words and praying about it, not to have any more personal contact with this man, only to pray for him, and also for whatever girl he may become attached to next...I have a feeling she may need those prayers one day. I am so glad to hear that God has blessed you with a happy marriage to a good and loving man; it gives me hope that He may one day bless me, too, in a similar way. I shall continue to pray for that...(Oh, and although it is very kind of you to give me credit for reacting to this man in asomewhat calm manner, I must give all the credit for that to God - I had to pray so hard for Him to help me not to speak in anger or say anything hurtful.) Thank you again and God bless you.

MrQuietGuy, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I think you are probably right about being open to dating others; if God does send a good and trustworthy man my way, I don't want to let fear and mistrust get in the way...And thank you for showing me that there are good and kind Christian men out there. I needed that reminder. Bless you. 

Fanuvmxpx, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and advice with me. What you said really made me think, because I realized that I had only ever actually heard him pray to God once in all that time. I don't know whether that means he is not truly a born-again Christian or not, but perhaps it may have been an indication of something that I should have paid a bit more attention to and investigated a little further.

Wolflet7, thank you for sharing your theories. I certainly wish to always be open to learning anything that God may be trying teach me, even through such a painful and distressing experience as this one. I did genuinely love this man, and I told him that every single day that we were together as more than just friends. You are right; I probably should have made that clearer in my post.  Thank you very much for your kind wishes and your prayers; they are very much appreciated indeed.

*I hope answering everyone in one post was ok; I'm still really new to forum posting.

[chosenone]

Thank you very much to everyone who's taken the time to read and reply to my post. Your words have been so helpful to me at this time... God bless you all for your kindness.

Chosenone, thank you so very much for your wise and kind words. I can't tell you how much you've helped me to begin to come to terms with what happened. Although I am still hurting, I'm beginning to see that I probably did have a narrow escape from a life with someone who may not have been all that he seemed to be. I am so thankful to God for protecting me from being joined in marriage to someone who was not right for me. I believe the pain I am feeling now may very well be sparing me from feeling even greater pain later on...I have decided, after reading your words and praying about it, not to have any more personal contact with this man, only to pray for him, and also for whatever girl he may become attached to next...I have a feeling she may need those prayers one day. I am so glad to hear that God has blessed you with a happy marriage to a good and loving man; it gives me hope that He may one day bless me, too, in a similar way. I shall continue to pray for that...(Oh, and although it is very kind of you to give me credit for reacting to this man in asomewhat calm manner, I must give all the credit for that to God - I had to pray so hard for Him to help me not to speak in anger or say anything hurtful.) Thank you again and God bless you.

MrQuietGuy, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I think you are probably right about being open to dating others; if God does send a good and trustworthy man my way, I don't want to let fear and mistrust get in the way...And thank you for showing me that there are good and kind Christian men out there. I needed that reminder. Bless you. 

Fanuvmxpx, thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and advice with me. What you said really made me think, because I realized that I had only ever actually heard him pray to God once in all that time. I don't know whether that means he is not truly a born-again Christian or not, but perhaps it may have been an indication of something that I should have paid a bit more attention to and investigated a little further.

Wolflet7, thank you for sharing your theories. I certainly wish to always be open to learning anything that God may be trying teach me, even through such a painful and distressing experience as this one. I did genuinely love this man, and I told him that every single day that we were together as more than just friends. You are right; I probably should have made that clearer in my post.  Thank you very much for your kind wishes and your prayers; they are very much appreciated indeed.

*I hope answering everyone in one post was ok; I'm still really new to forum posting.

 

Of course answering everyone in one post was OK. it was very kind to answer us all individually, as many dont do this, so well done and I hope that you stay here and benefit from this forum, Thank YOU for listening to what we said, and I am glad that you have broken contact with this man, as I dont want him to hurt you any more than he already has. You need to be able to grieve for him and that is better if you dont have any contact I feel. Well done also for realising that God has indeed protected you from more pain further on, and once you are married things are MUCH harder to deal with if you realise to late that you have made a bad mistake. 
I am sure that God has a very special man for you, and you will look back on this with gratitude for what happened even though it is obviously hard now.
God Bless

[kensington]

He meant not Normal... because you did not beg and cry and  throw a fit over him leaving you.. Which is probably what this narcissistic man wanted. He wanted you to fall at his feet and beg...  Kick him GONE...  I wouldn't even take his calls, forgive him before the LORD and cut him loose.  Tell him, "you are in my past, and I want you to stay there"... this guy cannot be good for you.  He has no sense of the word "Commitment" or Honor or any of the things he wanted you to believe he was.  My first thought is that he has HIDDEN sins and your commitment to GOD brought to light that he was not in your league... so he ran.  Good riddance.

[MrQuietGuy]

Thank you liliofthevalley for responding to each of us. It really makes me feel good because your responses were so positive. I think you will do just fine and will be a better person for it in the end.

I believe God throws a curve at us from time to time, not as a test, but as a way for us to learn from experience something that we cannot learn in any other way. You are coming through this with flying colors, and I think God is smiling down on you.

Tom M.

[chosenone]

Thank you liliofthevalley for responding to each of us. It really makes me feel good because your responses were so positive. I think you will do just fine and will be a better person for it in the end.

I believe God throws a curve at us from time to time, not as a test, but as a way for us to learn from experience something that we cannot learn in any other way. You are coming through this with flying colors, and I think God is smiling down on you.

Tom M.

 

[Memucan]

          lilyofthevalley,

                               What a precious jewel you are, truly a ruby in your husbands crown. Wait upon the Lord and He will give you the man of HIS desire. That man that has you for a wife,he will know he has obtained the favor of Yah.

                                                                            Sincerely,

                                                                            Memucan

[wolflet7]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to every one of us who posted.  That must have taken a lot of time to reply to all of our posts and I applaud you for your kindness 

Lily, I do not know how old you are, but I'm sure you have a good lifetime ahead of you.  My uncle used to date girls a lot.  One time, he dated a girl for 2 1/2 years (maybe not that long, but still pretty long) and he had no intention of marrying.  He loved that girl a lot, but my grandpa told him that he should let her go if he has no intention of marriage for her.  It was really hard for him because he didn't know if there was anybody out there for him other than her, who he wouldn't marry.  He broke up with her, as my grandpa told him to, and ironically, he got married to a girl thousands of times better than his recent girlfriend the summer my grandpa died.  He was 30 when he got married, so I don't know if this applies to you as much or not, but I would probably consider asking your mother, father, or any other relatives that are married about the subject and any lessons they have learned from their dating experiences.  I found out that my Youth Pastor had sexual relations with a girl in his Youth Group when he was around my age, yet he has a VERY understanding wife and great kids now. 

[Kiara]

I’m quite new here also after being inactive after a long time. I was supposed to make a post but when I read this I figure that we have the same situation. I am also in need of others perspective. I am currently broken hearted, and it was also because of a man who spoke about how he wants to be committed to me and already sees me as his wife. I loved him because I was confident of his relationship with the Lord. He’s in the music ministry and he was a future pastor. I got confident and believed that he was the man I wanted to follow. But there were some things about him that didn’t seem right and I felt like it was already a warning.
We broke up because we felt like were spending too much time with our selves and was already forgetting our devotions with the Lord. And a sad part is I’ve been physically open with him and got too intimate during our relationship which has cause my pain to be more hurtful. Our relationship only lasted 4 months and ive been friends with him for a year. I was happy we broke up because I though we agreed to make our relationship right and reconcile with the Lord again and pray for each other. To also wait for our right time. And he’s become more nicer to me ever since that made my hope grew more.

But a week later I found out that he has a new girlfriend, I found out before he told me. He said he was about to tell me but he feared that I’ll get hurt. He tried to explain, he said he suddenly fell for that girl and he’s been friends with her for many years now before me. I knew about it when we were together but he  told me that I am the one he wanted and they were just friends…

I couldn’t do much because I am seeing him everyday at work. But I could not deny that I was really hurt. I prayed everything about it to God. I wanted to handle it soo much as a believer would.  I tried not to be angry and still agree to be friends with him. It was really hard.

I believe that he’s not the one for me,  and God also saved me . Anyway I’m still 23.. I do feel like it’s a little early. And I very thankful to the Lord for letting me learn this. Its just hard because I really must restore my fellowship with the guy coz I cant heal not unless I forgive. And I’m seeing him every week days… ~_~  I just feel like I know how youre going through it all Lily. And I’m blessed with the replys ive read. (Even if its not for me exactly xD)

SO SORRY FOR THE LONG REPLY! >_<

[chosenone]

I’m quite new here also after being inactive after a long time. I was supposed to make a post but when I read this I figure that we have the same situation. I am also in need of others perspective. I am currently broken hearted, and it was also because of a man who spoke about how he wants to be committed to me and already sees me as his wife. I loved him because I was confident of his relationship with the Lord. He’s in the music ministry and he was a future pastor. I got confident and believed that he was the man I wanted to follow. But there were some things about him that didn’t seem right and I felt like it was already a warning.
We broke up because we felt like were spending too much time with our selves and was already forgetting our devotions with the Lord. And a sad part is I’ve been physically open with him and got too intimate during our relationship which has cause my pain to be more hurtful. Our relationship only lasted 4 months and ive been friends with him for a year. I was happy we broke up because I though we agreed to make our relationship right and reconcile with the Lord again and pray for each other. To also wait for our right time. And he’s become more nicer to me ever since that made my hope grew more.

But a week later I found out that he has a new girlfriend, I found out before he told me. He said he was about to tell me but he feared that I’ll get hurt. He tried to explain, he said he suddenly fell for that girl and he’s been friends with her for many years now before me. I knew about it when we were together but he  told me that I am the one he wanted and they were just friends…

I couldn’t do much because I am seeing him everyday at work. But I could not deny that I was really hurt. I prayed everything about it to God. I wanted to handle it soo much as a believer would.  I tried not to be angry and still agree to be friends with him. It was really hard.

I believe that he’s not the one for me,  and God also saved me . Anyway I’m still 23.. I do feel like it’s a little early. And I very thankful to the Lord for letting me learn this. Its just hard because I really must restore my fellowship with the guy coz I cant heal not unless I forgive. And I’m seeing him every week days… ~_~  I just feel like I know how youre going through it all Lily. And I’m blessed with the replys ive read. (Even if its not for me exactly xD)

SO SORRY FOR THE LONG REPLY! >_<

 Forgiving someone doesnt neccessarily mean that we have to have a relationship with them. Of course it is hard for you if you work with him but if you didnt, there is no reason why you would have to see him at all, and it may be sensible not to. Is there anyway that you could work somewhere else? its just that if you have been hurt it may take longer to heal if we keep seeing the other person, and I dont feel that you have to be freinds with him, that is asking a lot of you. So yes,forgve him but you dont have to be all friendly as if nothing has happened in my opinion.