Question on Dating: When to discuss topic of future children

[Horigan]

I hope this is the right place for this question, sorry if it isn't.

I've got a question about dating, specifically when it is appropriate to discuss the issue of possible future children.


First off, let me establish some things: I and my girlfriend both believe that there is only one purpose of dating, and that is to evaluate whether or not the other person might be your life partner. Dating can be fun among other things, but the purpose of dating is not to have fun. There really should be no such thing as "casual dating." Dating is serious, which is why you should probably get to know the other person as friends before you ever start dating them.

About me: I am 20 years old, college student, working over 30 hours a week in a job in my degree field (Graphic Design to be precise). Will graduate next spring and begin working 40 hours a week at the same job, making decent money with very good job security considering my age and experience level (not to mention current economy.) I've grown up in a Christian household, homeschooled with my older brother (about 3 years older), with good Christian parents.

About her: My girlfriend is 19, attends the same college I do. Her father is a pastor. Her family lives in another state, she is in my town for college. She is studying to become an Elementary Teacher (particularly 5th grade if possible). She will graduate in 2 years. She has one sibling, a little sister (3 years younger).

About us: We met last fall when we started attending the same church. We became friends almost right away, but remained just friends until last month. Almost exactly 1 month ago, we started dating. Because of our views on dating and the way we knew each other for months beforehand, we have been "serious" about each other from the start, despite the short time of our dating. Neither of us have dated anyone seriously before, we have both had previous relationships in high school but nothing serious or even really dating at all.




The (potential) issue is, based on comments she's made when we've been around other people's children, I know she does not intend to ever be a mother. For myself, I know that someday I want to be a father. Within the next 5 years? probably not, but within 10 or something like that probably so. I have not explicitly told her this, but I have said I like children and implied I'm not of the same mind as her.

The reason I say she doesn't want to be a mother, is for example we see a child throwing a temper tantrum, she has said things like "That's why I don't want one of my own." This has actually happened on two occasions so far, and in both cases it wasn't an appropriate time or place for us to discuss it, it was just done as a semi-random comment. (The most recent time her parents and younger sister were sitting right next to us so certainly wasn't gonna discuss it then! Though she made the comment quietly enough I don't think any of them heard her say it to me.)

Obviously if we ever do decide to marry each other, this is not something we can have both ways. It is an issue that will have to be discussed and decided ahead of time. Actually doing the discussing doesn't really worry me, if we are meant for each other then there will be a solution and God will help us find it.

What concerns me is appropriate timing. On one hand, serious or no, after just a few weeks talking about issues like future children seems a bit hasty. On the other hand, having identified a potential source of conflict down the road, it seems wrong to keep it hidden. To add to the complications, she has now left town for the summer, and I will likely see her only a few times over the next 3 months until she comes back for the 2009-2010 school year, and this isn't something I think we should discuss over the phone obviously.




So... should I try to bring this up next time I see her, probably sometime in the next few weeks or month? (I'm thinking... almost this isn't the best option, given the separation the summer brings)

Should I bring it up early in the Fall once she gets back, either in August or maybe in September (depending how quickly we readjust to a new semester and seeing each other regularly again.)

Or should I wait and see how the relationship progresses, and only bring it up if we get to the point I am considering proposing? (Probably late next year at the earliest given where we are in life and minimum time I believe a couple should date)

Or even, wait until after that when it inevitably comes up in premarital counseling? (this seems almost certainly too late to me)



Thoughts, advice? Thanks in advance for any help

[Tantor]

If you cannot be frank in the way you talk to her now.. you never will.

Discuss it.. if you cannot deal with the thought of not having kids then move on.

But on a side note, as a Christian, children should be a last resort on your desire list.  Our children are those we bring into the church.. not those we give birth to.. the more we get involved in our own personal family lives the less time we have for the Lords work.

Think of it this way.. it will take 18 years of your time to raise a kid.. tons of time and money for 1 soul who may or may not end up being a christian.  Now add up all that time and look at your rate of return if you spent the same amount of time spreading the Gospel.

And don't take my word for it.. take the Apostle Paul's word on it.

[chosenone]

I find it quite strange that after knowing her for such a long time (even if most of it was as friends)that you cannot just come out and ask a question such as "do you want to have kids one day?" or "can you see yourself having kids one day?"That is a very non committal question, where you are not even asking her that question in case you guys marry, but just if she ever gets married to anyone.I woud say that is is a vital thing to know before you get any more involved as otherwise you are just wasting your time, but you dont have to make a big thing of it.

If she says no,then you wil have to decide whether she is the one for you. I know for myself I always wanted kids so a man who didnt wouldnt have been someone who I ever considered as a future husband.

My son and his girlfriend knew from the start that the were right for each other and they spoke about kids on one of the first dates. One year later they are closer than ever and will get engaged soon and probably marry later  next year.They are a few years older than you however.

yes, ask her, but dont make a  big thing of it, just ask casually. 

[yesult]

I disagree on 'the apostles paul' comment. If staying single was Gods best will for all christians then marriage would be a flawed institution that was best for everybody to avoid. Which means humanity would cease to exist.

Paul recommended that christians stay single in one passage of scripture, that if you check the context, was in a time of persecution when christians were being murdered, thrown in prison and losing everything they had. Paul also recommended to those christians who were married 'to live as though they were not'.

Marriage is Gods divine plan for most people and so is having children.

I have to admit that I kind of find it a bit odd that you two are seriously dating and yet you can't bring up the subject of children either. However this is a really, really important issue.

I don't think anyone can really give any foolproof advice here, but if I were you I'd just bite the bullet. The more emotionally you are involved with her the harder it's going to be to break up down the track.

If she doesn't want children and you do - you really need to sort that out now, before the relationship gets any deeper.

[sopranette]

I agree with chosenone.  A month is long enough for the question to come up.  Simply ask her if she would ever like to have children of her own one day.  If she thinks temper tantrums are all you get from having children, either she's joking or hasn't been around children enough to know differently (and she's a future school teacher??). 

love,

sopranette

[fanuvmxpx]

Yeah just ask. If you want kids and she's "not sure" or "doesn't want them", time to move on.

[wolflet7]

I kind of agree with chosenone.  The question will have to come up sooner or later.  I, however, would not leave her this summer on a bad note.  The relationship has lasted this long with the mentions of children, hasn't it?  I'm pretty sure it can go further, especially if you don't have plans for marrying her in the next couple months (which you better not!).  If the relationship has gone fine with the few mentions, then it can go on and you can discuss the topic when you feel the time is right.  Trust in God for strength and He will help you!