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Offline byhisgrace

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Relationship Advice
« on: Mon Jan 30, 2017 - 19:02:42 »
Hi I'm David,
Earlier this week my girlfriend of 2+ years asked to talk to me and called it quits. I don't know how to feel right now cause our relationship was/is great. Our compatibility up there on top of the chart, we have fun, love each other and individually our relationship with God is on the right track. We rarely fight or argue but during the two year span, we've had or rather she would ask to talk once every few months about our relationship. I'm the type of person who does a lot of things alone (qt/praying/many other things) and don't speak much, the quiet type. So during those talks she was not happy and upset that as two people who are in a serious relationship and both who are thinking about the future towards marriage we don't talk about our faith and lack communication in that area. She's been wanting to do marriage counseling from our church leaders and pastor, not in the tradition sense but so that we can communicate and share more openly about our faith. At first I didn't want to but evenly our young adults pastor felt compelled cause he saw us and knew that we felt serious and strongly about this relationship so he asked to marriage counseling before we even said anything to anyone. The most important thing that she values from her partner is where his faith is, how spiritual he is and how well he is in tune with God. I knew this from the start and I was confident enough to start this relationship with her so that both of us can grow stronger and more intimate with God. When she mentioned these things I would just always say "hey I'll do better, I'll communicate better and share more that's on my mine" to assure her that it will change. This same "let's talk" would arise once every couple/few months not because I wasn't sharing at all or just not owning up to my word but because it seemed like the bare minimum to her and because I'm not giving it a 100%. Don't get me wrong, I was doing more. Each time we talk there were little improvements but looking back now I can't say that I did give a 100% when I should have. I thought what I was doing and how I was approaching the situation was enough. Two years she waited and was patient with me, I understand how frustrating that can be. But I'm someone who never shares unless I'm force to, even in group settings, whether it's in small groups at church, I'm just not very good at sharing and don't prefer sharing my thoughts. So I was a little upset that she didn't take the small changes in my with that in mind. Then another one of these "let's talk" came about and she said let's talk in a week (since i was away from her half the time and she wanted give me some time to think and pray as well). Initially, you know waiting a week to tackle the problem seemed ridiculous and unfair to me because I was curious what she wanted to talk about this time cause things were going well (in my mind). During the "wait week", when texting each other she just didn't seem like herself (mind that we spoke and kept in touch 24/7 and just text whenever even if we had absolutely nothing to talk about), she just seemed like a shell of herself. So half the "wait week" we did talk but I knew something was wrong cause she's never been like this to the point where she couldn't even talk to normally, it just seemed like she was forcing herself to talk to me. So me going crazy wanted to know what was going on through text/phone but she insisted that we just talk in person when I'm back and when we're both free to talk in person. Which leads back to earlier this week when she wanted to part ways. I had time to pray and think about our relationship and through praying I was convinced that our source was the foundation on which we built/start this relationship. We both wanted to build a relationship centered around God yet we lost track of that and became caught up in the worldly/culture aspect in the relationship. So during during the other times when I said "hey things will get better cause I'll try harder to express myself and show my faith more," I wasn't lying but just taking the wrong approach and just tried to build on the wrong foundation. So on the day of the talk she just said that she's just tired and is drained of this relationship because the one thing (level of faith and the spiritual aspect) she needs she doesn't really see and change and tells me that she can't really see herself with me as a potential spouse. Of course I was devastated cause I was a point where I could really see myself with this person and to ask her to be my life partner was right here/there (I was looking at rings/houses and ready to speak to her parents' permission for marriage). I explained to her that during the "wait week" where I prayed and really thought about our relationship I believed that our foundation was the problem and she explains that yes that's true and that she's been saying let's do something about it this entire time for the past 2 years yet nothing's really been done about it. I told her that okay I get it clearly now so let's try to work this out and build a renewed foundation centered around what we wanted from the beginning cause even broken things can be a blessing if mended by God but she just said no and that she's be draining and that she is completely drained now to give me another chance. I understood her and didn't understand her because I wanted her give me another chance where the things she wanted didn't have to be squeezed/forced out of me and that they comes out naturally if our foundation is rebuilt but she said it's too late and it's been 2 years at that she can't do this anymore or have the desire to do this with me. She also mentioned that her color of faith is different from mine. She explained that her desire in this relationship was dissolving quickly and the only thing was keeping it was to think back to the beginning of the relationship and how she felt for me. I've asked multiple times and asked to let's try this again cause she is the person for me in every way and I just blew it. I asked to talk the following day and asked again and again to give me one last chance to make this relationship work so that but she said she doesn't want to and doesn't have any desire to be in a relationship with me. It's never that I didn't listen to her, it just took over and over several times for me to clearly take the right approach to this situation....but now it's too late.

I don't know what to do. I know it's my fault that it lead to this point. I couldn't see that she was so drained, that she was on her last straw. I was too slow to listen and too quick to talk and become angry when it should have been the other way around. I blame myself for losing the girl of my dreams right now. I know that God made this relationship possible from the start (that another story in itself) and that God has a reason for all these things but I don't know what to do. I can't blame anyone but myself cause I didn't give a 100%. It was too late when I, myself saw the clear picture. I don't want to lose her. I didn't know being too quiet/not sharing a lot can show my faith/spiritual level, I thought it was more character based and maybe that what she means when she says "we have a different color of faith." I don't want this to be the end of our story cause I can't see my future without her in it. She's very certain on her decision, that she doesn't want a relationship with me. Is there anything I can do? What should I do? What can I do to possibly spark that fire between us again and for her to give it shot again, one last time? I want this relationship and want to make it work, where I know the problem and where I can give all I have.

Thank you for reading my current situation and I'm apologize if it was hard to understand what I just wrote. Please let me know if I can clarify anything for you. Thank you again.

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Relationship Advice
« on: Mon Jan 30, 2017 - 19:02:42 »

Offline Rella

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Re: Relationship Advice
« Reply #1 on: Mon Jan 30, 2017 - 19:32:49 »
Hello David,

I have to say that I am somewhat confused by your post.

It is obvious that you truly want to have this girl in your life, forever.

Would you tell us how old you are.

What I am confused about is what specifically you came up short in your end of your relationship.

You indicate your faith is of centermost importance to both of you and that is excellent, but what is it your are not doing that she feels you should.

You say you are the quiet type.

You are not alone. A great many men are quiet. I have had men friends who will carry on what is supposed to be a complete conversation barely saying a dozen words.

Perhaps she needs a more outgoing person. If that is the case then it will be difficult as you most likely can never change the way you are... At least not for a long period of time or forever.

But what is it about your faith that she wants to happen when you are together?When she says you aare at different colors of you faith, what in the world does she mean about that?

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Re: Relationship Advice
« Reply #1 on: Mon Jan 30, 2017 - 19:32:49 »

Offline byhisgrace

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Re: Relationship Advice
« Reply #2 on: Mon Jan 30, 2017 - 20:37:52 »
Thank for for reading my story.

I just turned 28 and she is 26

From my time of reflecting and praying. I think the main thing was communication. I can admit that I'm not the most easiest person to communicate about what's in my head. She's been saying from time to time, she wishes I could communicate more and in depth. It's not like I don't communicate at all or something, I just answer with very few words. Also she always talked about the future and "what if" situations and I did have answers and talked but again I say very few words. For example if we're talking about marriage she would ask "when do you want to get married?" and I would just say "soon, before I'm 30" but I would not ask that question back to her because it's not like we talked about this once, I just remembered her answers and what she wanted from previous conversations, so I didn't want to repeat the same conversation. That's just an example.

Yes faith is the centerpiece in a relationship to both of us. I think it's the sharing part that I wasn't doing well. Again I keep to myself a lot and that's something I need to grow out of regarding sharing His word. We would talk here and then about the sermons and about certain religious based topics. But again my answers are very short; I'm the type to just go straight into the detail while she's the type to give the background and everything in between to the end and we both knew this about each other before we started dating. She indicated that we should share more about our faith and what we're doing to grow closer to Him. I completely agreed and this is what I wanted as well. So I started sharing my QT verses with her for about a month, but we never really talked about them. I would just send her a verse, I just thought she would bring it up and then we can talk about it. The bible does say that the male should take the lead in the spiritual aspect within the family, so I knew that I should be leading. But again I was doing this alone. I was doing QT alone, praying more alone, when she wanted to do it together and share together. I don't why or how I just missed this until it was too late. Everything should have been done together cause we are in a relationship and want the same thing and yet knowing this, I was just blinded.

Regarding my personality. Yes exactly I'm the quiet type that keeps to myself but when necessary I'll do everything I need to. It's not like it's not "in" me or I'm not doing anything, I just sit back and listen before I do anything. Again we knew this about each other before we started dating. She's more out going than me, more talkative than me, more expressive, she get emotional and I'm always calm. All these things were knew about each other and we believed it was good that each of us have things that we can learn and bounce off each other. Overall, there was not problem within our relationship.

She told me that she couldn't see my faith. She doesn't see the faith that she wants to see in her future husband. I always thought you can just see someone's faith and understand it without having to talk about it or "show" it. Nobody is a mind reader so I need to get that concept out of my mind. While reflecting, praying and through His words a community in which you share things is important for one to grow. Keeping these things by myself does nothing. So I understand.  Also I don't really understand what she means when she said "we have different colors of faith." Maybe these are the things she meant where faith is shown through sharing/talking while I assumed faith can just be seen?


Offline Rella

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Re: Relationship Advice
« Reply #3 on: Tue Jan 31, 2017 - 08:18:39 »
Thank for for reading my story.

I just turned 28 and she is 26

From my time of reflecting and praying. I think the main thing was communication. I can admit that I'm not the most easiest person to communicate about what's in my head. She's been saying from time to time, she wishes I could communicate more and in depth. It's not like I don't communicate at all or something, I just answer with very few words. Also she always talked about the future and "what if" situations and I did have answers and talked but again I say very few words. For example if we're talking about marriage she would ask "when do you want to get married?" and I would just say "soon, before I'm 30" but I would not ask that question back to her because it's not like we talked about this once, I just remembered her answers and what she wanted from previous conversations, so I didn't want to repeat the same conversation. That's just an example.

Yes faith is the centerpiece in a relationship to both of us. I think it's the sharing part that I wasn't doing well. Again I keep to myself a lot and that's something I need to grow out of regarding sharing His word. We would talk here and then about the sermons and about certain religious based topics. But again my answers are very short; I'm the type to just go straight into the detail while she's the type to give the background and everything in between to the end and we both knew this about each other before we started dating. She indicated that we should share more about our faith and what we're doing to grow closer to Him. I completely agreed and this is what I wanted as well. So I started sharing my QT verses with her for about a month, but we never really talked about them. I would just send her a verse, I just thought she would bring it up and then we can talk about it. The bible does say that the male should take the lead in the spiritual aspect within the family, so I knew that I should be leading. But again I was doing this alone. I was doing QT alone, praying more alone, when she wanted to do it together and share together. I don't why or how I just missed this until it was too late. Everything should have been done together cause we are in a relationship and want the same thing and yet knowing this, I was just blinded.

Regarding my personality. Yes exactly I'm the quiet type that keeps to myself but when necessary I'll do everything I need to. It's not like it's not "in" me or I'm not doing anything, I just sit back and listen before I do anything. Again we knew this about each other before we started dating. She's more out going than me, more talkative than me, more expressive, she get emotional and I'm always calm. All these things were knew about each other and we believed it was good that each of us have things that we can learn and bounce off each other. Overall, there was not problem within our relationship.

She told me that she couldn't see my faith. She doesn't see the faith that she wants to see in her future husband. I always thought you can just see someone's faith and understand it without having to talk about it or "show" it. Nobody is a mind reader so I need to get that concept out of my mind. While reflecting, praying and through His words a community in which you share things is important for one to grow. Keeping these things by myself does nothing. So I understand.  Also I don't really understand what she means when she said "we have different colors of faith." Maybe these are the things she meant where faith is shown through sharing/talking while I assumed faith can just be seen?

Okay... Hmmm.

I am quite a bit older then you and I can tell you from most of my life experiences that you men, quite often, are the "silent" type.  Even as something as basic as pen pals, where I might write something in response to how my day was that would resemble War and Peace in length if I had had a particularly grueling day or problem only to get
a word or teo... possibly a small paragraph in reply .

Yes, I find that very frustrating but realize that silence is not lack of interest, it just is what it is.

But your girl likely has not experienced much of that... And while she is very open with you I bet she is somehow felling that you are not interested in what she has to say, and she may also think you just do not care.

Here is a true story about my adopted niece.  She is 26 years old.. actually just turned 27. She met and was seeing a young man... booth of the same faith, and I believe they went to church together a couple of times.
Well...aside from the fact that she usually had to drive to meet him for their occasional dates, they usually were of him preparing, or ordering in, dinner at his place.

NOPE...NO sex at all involved.

In fact, they never once kissed.  And he rarely talked... They would eat, sit on the sofa and watch TV and rarely if ever would he talk..... even when he would come her and be among her family.

It finally drove her nuts and she called it quits.

So....

I do not know where you stand with this girl at this point. Is she still talking to you?

If so I would try to go the questioning route. You ask a question about anything from how her day is going, to what does she think the meaning of some verse in the Bible is .  Or ask her opinion on something. Anything that is questioning that will allow her to talk and then question back.

You can even say I do not know much about (whatever) but would be interesting to hear to talk about it. Not in those words necessary but something along those lines.

Religion is a big thing to her... I applaud her, and you for that matter, for having it first and foremost in your young lives....

BUT.... What is it that she wants to keep talking about? And that she feels you are at different colors in your faith?

WE members of Grace Centered are all about talking and learning about our Lord, but if you have looked at the variety of subject matters from Politics, and Computer Help, to Things Around the World, To relationship troubles and Forums for men and Forums for women... and the list goes on and on... So even we members of CG do not just talk about our religions, or compare our faiths, we talk a whole lot of other stuff.  That is all part of the Christian life and makes for a well rounded individual.

Not... that I have said all that I have.  Do you think there is a chance that she has met someone else? Do you think someone else might be feeding her ideas ?

And just to throw a wild card out there.

Since I know you are trying to get back with her and you have had some communications....

Why not call her, or show up somewhere that you know she will be, either at work or home and simply cut to the chase and tell her You want to marry her and You want her to pick out a date.

The worst will be you will know if she really has moved on.

Two years is a long time... long enough at your age to make a definite decision on when... She likely feels it will never happen.


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Re: Relationship Advice
« Reply #3 on: Tue Jan 31, 2017 - 08:18:39 »
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Offline byhisgrace

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Re: Relationship Advice
« Reply #4 on: Tue Jan 31, 2017 - 12:13:57 »
Thank you for replying

The part about the "lack of interest" it's just that this is how I was when we first started talking, first started dating, nothing about me changed in anyway to show that I don't have any interest or don't care about anything. I'm the exact same as when she first met me.

We haven't talked since the breakup. I'm not really sure how to ask those questions to her (like before we broke up) "how's your day going?" etc....when we were together those question were "okay" to ask and normal to ask about someone you're in a relationship with but once it's over wouldn't she question why I'm asking her or why is he bothering me?

She just wants communication, about the future, about personal struggles, our faith, sharing our thoughts, our opinions, etc...I'm still uncertain about the whole "colors of faith." Maybe she thinks I think this way and she thinks another way but I think faith is faith. We just never really talked about it in depth as a couple.

I highly doubt there is someone else in her life that she met or that someone else is feeding her ideas. The feeding her ideas part, I'm not too sure but meeting someone else I'm pretty sure that's unlikely.

Showing up and constantly calling..wouldn't that be/look like stalking? Also I don't think I can just cut to the chase a ask her to marry me when she's been frustrated and drained about this part of me, the communication aspect.


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Re: Relationship Advice
« Reply #4 on: Tue Jan 31, 2017 - 12:13:57 »



Offline chosenone

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Re: Relationship Advice
« Reply #5 on: Tue Jan 31, 2017 - 18:50:01 »
My thoughts on what you wrote for what they are worth.

She is trying to make you into a person that you are not. This will never work, because you are who you are. Many men don't share in the same way as women do. She seems to want you to be the same personality as she is.
She is wrongly seeing you being quiet and more introvert as being less spiritual.....wrong. There are many quiet people who are deeply spiritual.
 
You are blaming yourself for being yourself. No its not all your fault. Again, you are who you are, that is your personality and character.

At the ages you are, not even being engaged after 2 years is odd. If you were both sure, then surely you would have been at least engaged by now if it was right.

I think she has this picture in her head of what her 'ideal' spiritual man is, and she is trying to make you into that man. You need a woman who will love you and accept you AS YOU ARE.

From what I have read, I cant think she is the woman for you, unless you want to spend the rest of your life trying to mould yourself into what she wants you to be when that isn't who you are. That's a horrible place to be in, I know a man who had to do this and was miserable for 23 years with his ex wife, and they are now divorced.

Sadly you have to move on, accept her decision, I think she is right.