Single Mother, Doing it Alone...need dating advice.

[EmmieCA83]

I live in Southern California, well known I am sure for plastic surgery and beauty. Well, I am not that. I am average. I also am a single parent who has my kids full-time. I work full-time, provide a roof over our heads, do not get child support, etc. I do struggle financially, we have a small 2 bedroom apartment...in Simi Valley, which is pricey. My kids are 5 and 8 years old. I have been single from a serious relationship for 5 years. I have dated, by using dating sites. But what problem I am running into is, all the men I date who KNOW my situation and what I am looking for (Long Term), tell me they want the same. We meet, things go great. Text for a few days, maybe go out a few more times. But always ends for the same two reasons. 1. They want to be intimate right away, before being committed. 2. They are NOT okay with me having children....even though they knew this from the beginning. I feel very hopeless. It seems really hard to find a good quality man who lives near me. I know I am ready to find love. Five years of being alone, has been tough. I enjoy it, but want that special person in my life. Any suggestions on how to meet other Christian single men?

[chosenone]

Firstly do you belong to a good vibrant church, and secondly are the dating sites that you have used specifically and only for Christians?
I was a single mum for 6 years after my first marriage of 25 years ended. In my late 40's, I met my present husband of 6 years on a Christian dating site, but I was on it for 2 years, and did meet a few other men before I found the one.It may also be that they are using the children as an excuse to end it, maybe a way of letting you down lightly if they dont feel that connection with you.

My daughters friend was a single mum of two little girls, after her husband died, and she has now married a lovely guy who she met on line and they are very happy, so it does happen. If all the guys that you meet are wanting sex, I doubt they are Christians, so look around for a proper site for Christians and not a secular site that may or may not have some who call themsleves Christians.

Also you can sometimes find holidays for Christian single parents. However, a good large lively church may be a good place. They may have singles groups as well.

[IamStefanie]

Hello Emmie,
 I would like to answer this post because I too have been a single mom of a now 11 year old son for almost 5 years myself. I mean, I dated here and there, but nothing serious and nothing real. And, like you, there were many things that didn't work out. So, I decided to let go and let GOD. And I did no searching for my current mate. He found me. "A man that finds a wife finds a good thing." The Word of God does not mention the opposite. Before my man and I met, I was living for God. Going to school, being a full time mom, working from home more. Spending time with my parents and other loved ones. I had already prayed and let God know that I'd like to be married one day (maybe a little over a year ago). But, I knew with that prayer, I had to have faith. And that faith said that if God decided to allow someone in my heart or not, He is still God and I love Him always. But my man came up to me from behind. And from far off away, he was talking to me, but I didn't hear him. So he repeated himself....and it went from there. It was cute, kind of funny even. Before I met him, I tried the dating sites too. I also thought about speed dating and other unconventional methods. But something in my spirit kept telling me those are not ways for me to get a mate. And the verse "God made woman for man" also stuck out, so I quit thinking about it so much and did what I felt God wanted me to do.

So, this is my encouragement to you: give your heart, your life to God. And if He sees fit, then He will allow the man to find you (wife) and go from there. I will say this: with the man I'm with now, we started things off quickly, but we are building a healthy relationship and we do pretty good together. But, I would have preferred to date him for a short while  and got to know him a little better before becoming intimate. I say this because emotions get in the way of practicality sometimes, and it's hard to slow that down when I feel pressured (BTW, he's older in physical age than I am, so that also plays a part in this)But the good thing is he accepted my son with me when we met. But I will admit, I feel hurt, maybe jealousy from time to time because time has to be split. And being mom and lady, I have to seek a middle ground. It's not easy, but because acceptance and more so committment are already there, then it will work.

With that said, I would advise this: Pray about it. God gives you the desires of your heart. Talk to Him and let Him take care of it. But in the meantiime, enjoy the special bond you have with your children. Because when a man comes into you life, things DO change drastically. And in the meantime, God may be working to prepare you for the changes that come with dating/marriage. May God bless you and your family

[IamStefanie]

And, I believe most people want sex, men and women. But those who are willing to wait want more than that. Those who are willing to take their time have a good ounce of self control. And just because a man or woman wants sex doesn't mean they don't love God or believe in Jesus Christ. But making a committment before the sex is smart, I'll admit that. Like I said in my first reply post, it prevents a lot of unnecessary issues. So, good for you for staying strong in your personal beliefs when you meet a man. And when the right one comes along, stay strong (hey, we are still human)!

[JohnDB]

From a devoted Christian male perspective who left the dating scene & scored well:

Us really Christian men aren't perfect but because for guys like me the sheer numbers are skewed we can be demanding & some guys take too much advantage of that. (Many more women than men).

But most guys are nervous about kids (either too much responsibility or an absentee dad appearing out of nowhere).

Then there are the financial issues like consumer debt & portability of your job skills.

Then there are the friendship issues & intimacy concerns. Us guys after figuring out we did things wrong now take a different approach than looks. We want a friend and help-mate. This is the toughest thing of all to find. A woman who will give herself to us guys in ideals & dreams and adopt them as her own instead of the ones she had is impossible to find. Part of the culture we live in. We, as singles, are on pursuit of self improvement to make ourselves more attractive but end up only self absorbed. Giving of yourself is the most attractive quality to us to begin with. Baking tasty treats for a small group bible study or being outspokenly welcoming & friendly to all really goes a long way.

Good luck. 

[EmmieCA83]

I am paid well and am with a great company. Great benefits. I only struggle cause I do everything on my own in an area that costs alot. I would move if I could to a cheaper state. My job is stable and I been there awhile. Most single parents in my area have to move back home. So I am doing well for my circumstance. I probably should of left out the struggling part. Since we never go without.

I think you are right about the kids......it is scary to date someone with them. I understand why it will be harder for me. Just didn't think 5 years later I would still be very single. I will be 29 soon.....so I know I am young and have time. I just I guess will always be hopeful to find love.

[chosenone]

Ellie, yes you have plenty of time, and dont rule out dating sites. I think its good for women and men to be proactive. If I hadnt gone on them I would almost certainly not be happily married now. Its not wrong for ladies to make that effort. MY church has no single men in their 40's/ 50's at all, and for me it was a choice to not marry again or make some effort myself.
In fact its been amazing, as I have told so many people about it, and at least 3 people have found the 'one' just from me telling them about it and going on the sites themselves, including my son who has now been happily married for a year, and my daughter who marries in 2 weeks,  so its like I have been able to help them also because of what I did. Both are with strong Christian partners.

[chosenone]

And, I believe most people want sex, men and women. But those who are willing to wait want more than that. Those who are willing to take their time have a good ounce of self control. And just because a man or woman wants sex doesn't mean they don't love God or believe in Jesus Christ. But making a committment before the sex is smart, I'll admit that. Like I said in my first reply post, it prevents a lot of unnecessary issues. So, good for you for staying strong in your personal beliefs when you meet a man. And when the right one comes along, stay strong (hey, we are still human)!

 

Of course we want sex, its normal to, but if a guy is expecting it early in dating, or at all before marriage, then thats a big indication that he isnt a godly man, who thinks nothing of disobeying God, and probably needs to be avoided as a potential marriage partner.At least it would be for me.

[chosenone]

Emmie you may meet a guy who himself has children. I know a man who has 3 children who has recently married a lady with 2. They were both widowed.
Trust God and see what He will do.
God Bless.

[EmmieCA83]

Thank you so much, Chosenone! That is really helpful great advice. I thank you all for responding. I have enjoyed reading every ones thoughts. 

[JohnDB]

As far as meeting online...I done it.

My wife is an awesome woman and I really love her to pieces.

But...I knew what it was that I was looking for and so did she....and it wasn't in the specifics of "must like eggs" or "Likes fishing"

when we first caught sight of each other online we thought that the other one was a dweeb of some sort that we would scrape off at first chance we got.

But God had other plans.

But I did some other dating on web sites and mostly it came from making online friends that I met in person. I was personable and generous and genuine...and since that is very different than most people online it stood out till I found the best of the best of wives.

Your pic is very attractive...I am wondering why you ain't beating the guys off with a stick.

Remember, you have to get out there or else the only guy you will ever meet is the pizza delivery man.

[EmmieCA83]

JohnDB - You have a valid point there. I don't get out much. Only place I go is work and then home. Plus gonna try this church in Simi called Discovery. Seems more like a church of today. Talks about biblical subjects, but with current events. I would understand that much better. My son is in private school (same one I went too). The two churches affiliated with the school are very old fashinoned. Really no kids or people under 60 that attend. I would like to be with a church with other parents and a great sunday school program. Can't wait!

[fassopony]

Stink to your guns Ellie :)

Go get involved in a younger church to meet others, great idea.

Oh, my sister is 33, got married last April.  She has three kids (single mom, a funky short term marriage then divorce, drugs, then got saved and WOW!) and she met her husband to be at church, he has four kids.

You can imagine the boatload of them rolling around town LOL!!

[fcadcock]

Wow, they must own a huge car with that many kids!  Or be clowns...

[fassopony]

I just reread my post and it says "stiNk to your guns" instead of "stiCk to your guns".

I am in no way implying that the OP has exceptionally bad gas and that is why she is driving off men in droves with a muggy cloud of death butt.