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Author Topic: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor  (Read 14254 times)

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Offline chosenone

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #15 on: December 14, 2011, 09:18:32 PM »
I came to this church about 90 days ago I am still married however will be divorced in about two weeks.  This pastor has tried to counsel my husband and I but my husband rage confirmed the marriage should be over.  I truly tried to save my marriage.

However, this situation gets very interesting....Please understand I am in need of GODLY answers not ridicule. 

I work very close with my pastor.  I am his right hand.  There is however an attraction and what I would call some flirting between the two of us.  My pastor has been married over 15 years and says he loves his wife and says it to the congregation.  He spends months at at time in this state and a couple of weeks at his home in another state.  However, when we are together there is something in the air and I know I feel it.  A too long of a look into each other eyes, the compliments we give each other and the awareness of when the other is not themselves.  It's almost as we both know it but we can act on it because of his position. 

This did not hit me until an episode with my husband at my pastor office which there was a very heated argument.  My husband stormed out.  I was in tears.  Then this pastor came to me and held me and said "I love you" then kissed me on the forehead.  This has had me confused since.  It was not what was said that was confusing it was how it was said it this situation.

I still spend a lot a time with this pastor.  Handling the business matter of the church.  I am tired of juggling these thoughts of what to do that is why I am bringing this to a discussion in private ::juggle:: .  I don't feel I can bring it up to anyone at my church because they see that he and I spend a lot of time together and they talk.

Should I address this pastor with my feelings?  Should I leave my position at the church?  Could I be wrong and the only one with these feelings?

He says to me all the time he can tell when I am not myself and he tries to pry it out of me.  I just cannot tell him my feelings.  I don't want to destroy the work relationship because I really enjoy working in this church and working for the LORD.

I am not a home wrecker and I understand the constitution of marriage.  I have never been in this situation in my life and I am so lost. 
I want to ask him who could he recommend as another pastor do discuss my problem without telling him that he is what we are going to discuss.  I know he will ask me what is wrong.  Please GOD help me!!
Is the pastor happily married?


 What difference does it make if he is happily married or not, the fact is that he is married, and therefore in a covenant relationship with his wife to which he made life long promises. Therefore he not free to be with any other woman.
In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

It is by Grace we have been saved though Faith and not by works so that no one can boast.

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #15 on: December 14, 2011, 09:18:32 PM »

Offline Sinead

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #16 on: December 15, 2011, 02:33:21 AM »
wow...what in the world is this pastor doing putting his arms around you and kissing you? This is sooo inappropriate and out of line!

If there has been no adultery in your marriage and if your husband is not an unbeliever doing the leaving then you should not be getting a divorce. A seperation would be permissable but not a divorce.
No wonder you didnt get anywhere in counselling with your husband - take a long look at whose been 'counselling' you!

You should resign from your position - you don't need to disclose why you are leaving because this could do more harm than good.
Sinéad~

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #16 on: December 15, 2011, 02:33:21 AM »

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #17 on: December 15, 2011, 09:04:46 AM »
wow...what in the world is this pastor doing putting his arms around you and kissing you? This is sooo inappropriate and out of line!

If there has been no adultery in your marriage and if your husband is not an unbeliever doing the leaving then you should not be getting a divorce. A seperation would be permissable but not a divorce.
No wonder you didnt get anywhere in counselling with your husband - take a long look at whose been 'counselling' you!

You should resign from your position - you don't need to disclose why you are leaving because this could do more harm than good.

Excellent advice!  The situation is very seductive.  The poster really does know what to do.  As anyone would.
Scripture states we are drawn away by our own lust to sin (lust does not necessairly mean sexual either)

It is an unfortunate truth that many pastors do have an affair with a woman in their congregation in exactly
the same way as the poster

The pastor is a wolf....he is hurting a wounded a sheep by making advances in the name of Christian 'love'

Offline chosenone

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #18 on: December 15, 2011, 09:55:13 AM »
They arent free to love though, he is married! Love between two people who are married to others is forbidden by God. Men are to Love their wives the Lord says, NOT another lady who may be after them. WE arent free to end one marriage to start another even if we do love that person. We should never allow ourselves to be in that position of getting close to another either.
In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

It is by Grace we have been saved though Faith and not by works so that no one can boast.

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #18 on: December 15, 2011, 09:55:13 AM »
Pinterest: GraceCentered.com

Offline Vianca2

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #19 on: December 21, 2011, 09:33:51 AM »
I don't understand how can anybody be atracted to a person and feel ashame at the same time.

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #19 on: December 21, 2011, 09:33:51 AM »



Offline MeMyself

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #20 on: December 21, 2011, 09:58:38 AM »
I don't understand how can anybody be atracted to a person and feel ashame at the same time.

 ??? so if your new dh was attracted to another woman he worked with, you would be fine with that and not expect him to feel shame or any loyalty to you?

God's word tells us not to covet (or desire) another persons spouse...so that is where the feeling of shame come from.  Knowing it is wrong to do so according to God.  

~~~~
God tells us to take every thought captive.  He tells us this to keep our minds from causing us to stumble.  This is a PERFECT example of why He calls us to this OP.

Take these "feelings" and thoughts of attraction captive, confess them to God, ask Him to remove them.  He will be faithful to do so...

And YES! Leave your position at the church!  I would also encourage you GREATLY to find a NEW person to give you marriage counseling, since this pastor of yours seems a bit seedy to me...and wasn't able to be objective to your dh.

« Last Edit: December 21, 2011, 10:13:13 AM by MeMyself »
~Rest is a weapon given to us by God through Jesus finished work at the cross.  The enemy hates it, because he wants you stressed and occupied.~
(*love* this quote)

Offline Vianca2

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #21 on: December 23, 2011, 08:17:55 AM »
I don't understand how can anybody be attracted to a person and feel ashame at the same time.

 ??? so if your new dh was attracted to another woman he worked with, you would be fine with that and not expect him to feel shame or any loyalty to you?

God's word tells us not to covet (or desire) another persons spouse...so that is where the feeling of shame come from.  Knowing it is wrong to do so according to God.  

~~~~
God tells us to take every thought captive.  He tells us this to keep our minds from causing us to stumble.  This is a PERFECT example of why He calls us to this OP.

Take these "feelings" and thoughts of attraction captive, confess them to God, ask Him to remove them.  He will be faithful to do so...

And YES! Leave your position at the church!  I would also encourage you GREATLY to find a NEW person to give you marriage counseling, since this pastor of yours seems a bit seedy to me...and wasn't able to be objective to your dh.


If my husband is attracted to another women.  There is nothing I can do to change that.  No matter what I do he will still be attracted to her.  I will tell you this.  If he doesn't love me any more then I don't want him to be with me.  I want a marriage not legal bondage.  I am sure God will understand.

Offline chosenone

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #22 on: December 23, 2011, 08:26:02 AM »
I don't understand how can anybody be atracted to a person and feel ashame at the same time.


 because its wrong and thats why she feels ashamed. She is attracted to a married man who isnt free to marry anyone else, or get too close to another woman. When we marry we make promises to our husband or wife to be faithful, so if anyone else comes along we are to stay away. If we start having innapropriate feelings for a man/woman who is married, or if we are married and have wrong feelings for someone else, we need to stop seeing them. We are in a covenant marriage to another and not free to persue anyone else. Adultery is a really serious thing.
In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

It is by Grace we have been saved though Faith and not by works so that no one can boast.

Offline MeMyself

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #23 on: December 23, 2011, 08:52:35 AM »
If my husband is attracted to another women.  There is nothing I can do to change that.  No matter what I do he will still be attracted to her.  I will tell you this.  If he doesn't love me any more then I don't want him to be with me.  I want a marriage not legal bondage.  I am sure God will understand.

I don't even know how to respond to this...

You seem to think that we are to be lead about by our ever changing and often selfish feelings and that God cares not for where those lead us.

That is a mistake. 
~Rest is a weapon given to us by God through Jesus finished work at the cross.  The enemy hates it, because he wants you stressed and occupied.~
(*love* this quote)

Offline Vianca2

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #24 on: December 24, 2011, 08:26:19 AM »
If my husband is attracted to another women.  There is nothing I can do to change that.  No matter what I do he will still be attracted to her.  I will tell you this.  If he doesn't love me any more then I don't want him to be with me.  I want a marriage not legal bondage.  I am sure God will understand.

I don't even know how to respond to this...

You seem to think that we are to be lead about by our ever changing and often selfish feelings and that God cares not for where those lead us.

That is a mistake. 
You did not understand what I was trying to say.  Maybe I didn't explain my self well.   I don't want to be with a man that doesn't love me.  It will not be good for him or me.  I can't and I don't want to force no one to love me.  You can't force love.

Offline MeMyself

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #25 on: December 24, 2011, 08:52:48 AM »
If my husband is attracted to another women.  There is nothing I can do to change that.  No matter what I do he will still be attracted to her.  I will tell you this.  If he doesn't love me any more then I don't want him to be with me.  I want a marriage not legal bondage.  I am sure God will understand.

I don't even know how to respond to this...

You seem to think that we are to be lead about by our ever changing and often selfish feelings and that God cares not for where those lead us.

That is a mistake. 
You did not understand what I was trying to say.  Maybe I didn't explain my self well.   I don't want to be with a man that doesn't love me.  It will not be good for him or me.  I can't and I don't want to force no one to love me.  You can't force love.

No, I understand what you are saying and I am saying it is a a wrong attitude to have towards marriage.  Marriage is about more than the squishy butterflies and hearts of romantic feeling.  It is about commitment, it is about loyalty, it is about hard work and perseverance.

It is taking sinful thoughts, wishes, fantasies, desires and feelings captive and fixing our eye on Christ so we can best keep to the promise we made to our spouse and to God who put us together.

Feelings come and then they go and if a person bails too early for no reason but the changing season of feelings, they will miss out when the feelings come back deeper, stronger, more mature and meaningful than when they first blossomed.

God hates divorce and so He limited what is just cause to *be* divorced.  He doesn't wink and nod at divorcing over being unhappy or no longer lead by feelings of "in love".

~Rest is a weapon given to us by God through Jesus finished work at the cross.  The enemy hates it, because he wants you stressed and occupied.~
(*love* this quote)

Offline Vianca2

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #26 on: December 25, 2011, 09:34:07 AM »
I came to this church about 90 days ago I am still married however will be divorced in about two weeks.  This pastor has tried to counsel my husband and I but my husband rage confirmed the marriage should be over.  I truly tried to save my marriage.

However, this situation gets very interesting....Please understand I am in need of GODLY answers not ridicule. 

I work very close with my pastor.  I am his right hand.  There is however an attraction and what I would call some flirting between the two of us.  My pastor has been married over 15 years and says he loves his wife and says it to the congregation.  He spends months at at time in this state and a couple of weeks at his home in another state.  However, when we are together there is something in the air and I know I feel it.  A too long of a look into each other eyes, the compliments we give each other and the awareness of when the other is not themselves.  It's almost as we both know it but we can act on it because of his position. 

This did not hit me until an episode with my husband at my pastor office which there was a very heated argument.  My husband stormed out.  I was in tears.  Then this pastor came to me and held me and said "I love you" then kissed me on the forehead.  This has had me confused since.  It was not what was said that was confusing it was how it was said it this situation.

I still spend a lot a time with this pastor.  Handling the business matter of the church.  I am tired of juggling these thoughts of what to do that is why I am bringing this to a discussion in private ::juggle:: .  I don't feel I can bring it up to anyone at my church because they see that he and I spend a lot of time together and they talk.

Should I address this pastor with my feelings?  Should I leave my position at the church?  Could I be wrong and the only one with these feelings?

He says to me all the time he can tell when I am not myself and he tries to pry it out of me.  I just cannot tell him my feelings.  I don't want to destroy the work relationship because I really enjoy working in this church and working for the LORD.

I am not a home wrecker and I understand the constitution of marriage.  I have never been in this situation in my life and I am so lost. 
I want to ask him who could he recommend as another pastor do discuss my problem without telling him that he is what we are going to discuss.  I know he will ask me what is wrong.  Please GOD help me!!
Is the pastor happily married?


 What difference does it make if he is happily married or not, the fact is that he is married, and therefore in a covenant relationship with his wife to which he made life long promises. Therefore he not free to be with any other woman.
The word Covenant(legal contract) and love contradict each other.

Offline MeMyself

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #27 on: December 25, 2011, 11:47:27 AM »
I came to this church about 90 days ago I am still married however will be divorced in about two weeks.  This pastor has tried to counsel my husband and I but my husband rage confirmed the marriage should be over.  I truly tried to save my marriage.

However, this situation gets very interesting....Please understand I am in need of GODLY answers not ridicule. 

I work very close with my pastor.  I am his right hand.  There is however an attraction and what I would call some flirting between the two of us.  My pastor has been married over 15 years and says he loves his wife and says it to the congregation.  He spends months at at time in this state and a couple of weeks at his home in another state.  However, when we are together there is something in the air and I know I feel it.  A too long of a look into each other eyes, the compliments we give each other and the awareness of when the other is not themselves.  It's almost as we both know it but we can act on it because of his position. 

This did not hit me until an episode with my husband at my pastor office which there was a very heated argument.  My husband stormed out.  I was in tears.  Then this pastor came to me and held me and said "I love you" then kissed me on the forehead.  This has had me confused since.  It was not what was said that was confusing it was how it was said it this situation.

I still spend a lot a time with this pastor.  Handling the business matter of the church.  I am tired of juggling these thoughts of what to do that is why I am bringing this to a discussion in private ::juggle:: .  I don't feel I can bring it up to anyone at my church because they see that he and I spend a lot of time together and they talk.

Should I address this pastor with my feelings?  Should I leave my position at the church?  Could I be wrong and the only one with these feelings?

He says to me all the time he can tell when I am not myself and he tries to pry it out of me.  I just cannot tell him my feelings.  I don't want to destroy the work relationship because I really enjoy working in this church and working for the LORD.

I am not a home wrecker and I understand the constitution of marriage.  I have never been in this situation in my life and I am so lost. 
I want to ask him who could he recommend as another pastor do discuss my problem without telling him that he is what we are going to discuss.  I know he will ask me what is wrong.  Please GOD help me!!
Is the pastor happily married?


 What difference does it make if he is happily married or not, the fact is that he is married, and therefore in a covenant relationship with his wife to which he made life long promises. Therefore he not free to be with any other woman.
The word Covenant(legal contract) and love contradict each other.

only if you are selfish and have an entitlement mentality do they contradict each other.
~Rest is a weapon given to us by God through Jesus finished work at the cross.  The enemy hates it, because he wants you stressed and occupied.~
(*love* this quote)

Offline wife4life

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #28 on: February 20, 2012, 03:19:32 PM »
Coming at this from a different angle... ::pondering::

You cannot "indulge" in any way, and yes even talking would be indulging because it will bring you emotionally closer to him and that is dangerous.

I have been here, I have.  If you "go there" it will get heated but it will eventually pass and you will be a bad experience in his past.  Is that what you want to be?  It takes patience but you need to protect his image of you and your self respect. 

DONT GO THERE!!!!  AND GET OUT!!!  It will always be a nice memory.

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #29 on: February 24, 2012, 02:01:03 PM »
NEVER give in to you're sins. its the worst thing the eye of god.

 ::amen!::
gosd eye knows