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Author Topic: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor  (Read 18886 times)

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Offline Tohaveacleanheart

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I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« on: Mon Sep 19, 2011 - 13:13:02 »
I came to this church about 90 days ago I am still married however will be divorced in about two weeks.  This pastor has tried to counsel my husband and I but my husband rage confirmed the marriage should be over.  I truly tried to save my marriage.

However, this situation gets very interesting....Please understand I am in need of GODLY answers not ridicule. 

I work very close with my pastor.  I am his right hand.  There is however an attraction and what I would call some flirting between the two of us.  My pastor has been married over 15 years and says he loves his wife and says it to the congregation.  He spends months at at time in this state and a couple of weeks at his home in another state.  However, when we are together there is something in the air and I know I feel it.  A too long of a look into each other eyes, the compliments we give each other and the awareness of when the other is not themselves.  It's almost as we both know it but we can act on it because of his position. 

This did not hit me until an episode with my husband at my pastor office which there was a very heated argument.  My husband stormed out.  I was in tears.  Then this pastor came to me and held me and said "I love you" then kissed me on the forehead.  This has had me confused since.  It was not what was said that was confusing it was how it was said it this situation.

I still spend a lot a time with this pastor.  Handling the business matter of the church.  I am tired of juggling these thoughts of what to do that is why I am bringing this to a discussion in private ::juggle:: .  I don't feel I can bring it up to anyone at my church because they see that he and I spend a lot of time together and they talk.

Should I address this pastor with my feelings?  Should I leave my position at the church?  Could I be wrong and the only one with these feelings?

He says to me all the time he can tell when I am not myself and he tries to pry it out of me.  I just cannot tell him my feelings.  I don't want to destroy the work relationship because I really enjoy working in this church and working for the LORD.

I am not a home wrecker and I understand the constitution of marriage.  I have never been in this situation in my life and I am so lost. 
I want to ask him who could he recommend as another pastor do discuss my problem without telling him that he is what we are going to discuss.  I know he will ask me what is wrong.  Please GOD help me!!

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I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« on: Mon Sep 19, 2011 - 13:13:02 »

Offline Supplanter

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #1 on: Mon Sep 19, 2011 - 19:34:23 »
Run, honey, run. You are in an extremely vulnerable position. Divorce, even if it has been coming for awhile leaves you empty and looking for love. I know it feels like a double loss because you are losing your support, your church, your pastor, and your husband, but you will lose so much more if you don't flee from this.

Please realize that you could be vastly misinterpreting your pastors attempts at offering affection.being in a marriage with a raging husband, it would be very easy to misinterpret your pastors compassion to you. I'm not saying that is necessarily the case, pastors struggle as much as other men  but I am saying that you need to consider it as we are all needy for love and it is easy to become attracted to someone who treats us with kindness especially after we have been mistreated.

Either way, you need to get some distance from this man and take some time to heal with God.

So sorry you have to go through this.I hope my words came out as gentle as I meant them to be.you will get through this and things will get better. 

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #1 on: Mon Sep 19, 2011 - 19:34:23 »

Offline Kindle

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #2 on: Sun Sep 25, 2011 - 16:35:03 »
Hey,  ::smile::
Supplanter gave some very good advice.  The only thing I can add is that this sort of attraction happens quite often in counselling situations.  There is just something in human nature...  the technical word for it is "transference."  This is why there are strong rules in place to prevent counselors from taking advantage. It would be so easy for them to do so,. But yes, even they can become weak against temptation. I hope this understanding helps, that what your experiencing is a normal reaction.. feelings are triggered in a counselling sitution which otherwise would not occur.
Yes.. run.  Distance will help to clear the cobwebs. You can appreciate what your pastor has said and done to help you.  But do not let it go beyond that.. and "take some time to heal with God."  

...unanswered questions.  I think your pastor would understand if you took a sabatical.  I don't think telling him is a good idea, really.  Talk to God instead.. 
I had a small brush with this once, as much as I dearly love my husband.  It was a time of turmoil for us.  It was less difficult situation for me, I think,  because he was a professional secular counselor. I knew him only from our sessions.  His wife came in during one visit, and I saw that mutual affection which ... well...   I was glad to know at that moment that it was simply transferance in action.  Whew!
« Last Edit: Sun Sep 25, 2011 - 16:52:19 by Kindle »

Offline GodWithUs777

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #3 on: Wed Oct 12, 2011 - 11:56:08 »
I would tell your pastor, be honest with him, tell him why you need to leave.   My pastor told me this about a situation I was in, "bringing darkness out into the light will cause the darkness to go away".  You see, darkness can not survive the light.  I would also leave the job for a while at least.  And you are not the first, nor will you be the last to have feelings for a pastor.

Blessings.

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #3 on: Wed Oct 12, 2011 - 11:56:08 »
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Offline GodWithUs777

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #4 on: Wed Oct 12, 2011 - 11:57:21 »
Matthew 18:9

And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #4 on: Wed Oct 12, 2011 - 11:57:21 »



Offline Supplanter

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #5 on: Thu Oct 13, 2011 - 08:10:56 »
I fail to see how telling the pastor is edifying to anyone in the situation. This man is married. If he has feelings for this woman then God can convict him of it. However, her professing she has feelings toward him in a private discussion could very well plant seeds that don't need to be planted if their is mutual affection especially given the vulnerable state that this lady is in, whereas saying nothing and leaving keeps everyone's dignity and reputation in tact and prevents further instigation of something that would not be right any way.

If telling in some way practical benefits the pastor and/or his wife then fine but I can't see how it would. When would it ever be appropriate to disclose your attraction to a married man? I find that confession to that man is often just a way to test a hope that he will feel the same way and somehow find "permission" to commit the sin you've been thinking about anyway.

Offline GodWithUs777

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #6 on: Thu Oct 13, 2011 - 09:00:32 »
I fail to see how telling the pastor is edifying to anyone in the situation. This man is married. If he has feelings for this woman then God can convict him of it. However, her professing she has feelings toward him in a private discussion could very well plant seeds that don't need to be planted if their is mutual affection especially given the vulnerable state that this lady is in, whereas saying nothing and leaving keeps everyone's dignity and reputation in tact and prevents further instigation of something that would not be right any way.

If telling in some way practical benefits the pastor and/or his wife then fine but I can't see how it would. When would it ever be appropriate to disclose your attraction to a married man? I find that confession to that man is often just a way to test a hope that he will feel the same way and somehow find "permission" to commit the sin you've been thinking about anyway.

Assuming we all agree that Adultery in your heart is a sin.....

Matthew 5:27-28    “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

Confessing Sin......

James 5:16  Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

Prov 28:13 (NIV) He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

Acts 19:18 (NIV) Many of those who believed now came and openly confessed their evil deeds.

Mat 10:26-27 (NIV) "There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the housetops."

Mark 4:22 (Jer) "For there is nothing hidden but it must be disclosed, nothing kept secret except to be brought to light."

Lev. 5:5 - "he shall confess that in which he has sinned"

Numb. 5:7 - "he shall confess his sins..., make restitution..."

Prov. 28:13 - "he who confesses and forsakes his transgressions will find compassion."

Acts 19:18 - "many kept coming and confessing and disclosing their practices."

I John 1:9 - "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins."

Ps. 38:18 - "I confess my iniquity"


Some of you may argue that there's no need to confess your sins to the person of whom you have sinned against....but in order to be forgiven, the person has to know. 
I don't believe confessing this sin of lust will plants seeds of sin, if this was the case, why would the bible stress confession.  Wouldn't it say somewhere that "if we confess our sins of lust we will plant seeds of adultery"??
« Last Edit: Thu Oct 13, 2011 - 09:07:48 by GodWithUs777 »

Offline Supplanter

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #7 on: Thu Oct 13, 2011 - 12:46:30 »
I agree with the scripture but nowhere in scripture does it indicate she needs to confess those sins to the pastor involved in this as he is only involved in her mind and not in an action against himself. If I am jealous of my sister in Christ, but do not act in such a way as to portray my jealousy is it better for me to tell her that I am jealous of her and I'm going to do something about or just do something about it by repenting and and getting my heart in the right place and treat her well.


She could confess to a close female friend or even just confess to Christ. Yes, sin is  in  the mind (the intent of the heart is the sin). However, she has not wronged this man in her attraction to him as she has not acted on it. And let's keep in mind that attraction is not adultery and there is more to this than lust. She needs healing, not to have to be even more humiliated by confessing an affection to a married man she can never have anyway.

Just my thoughts. I know we differ, but I see where you are coming from as well.

Offline ela

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #8 on: Sun Oct 16, 2011 - 02:21:23 »
I agree with Supplanter. IF the Pastor was intentionally enticing her, then he would be deliberately involved...which would mean that he should be confronted. However, IF he had a pure heart, then it would just be an extra burden.


What I would also suggest is to look underneath/the root...meaning, that NO sin or behavior that we do comes out of a void. I am not just gonna wake up one morning and go eenie-meenie-minnie-mo and pick a sin out of the air. There are underlying reasons why we do anything.

This behavior/feelings could be out of a deep thirst for admiration because of how you had been treated in your past. Or a need for a Godly man to see you as important. Or Or Or Or Or.....spend time in prayer and ask God to show you what is at the root. I think this is more of a deep healing issue then a deep sin one. Feelings exist to tell us something needs attention...like the lights on the dash of your car. Sin would be if you acted on the feelings in a way that would hurt the Pastor. Have you?? God wants to heal and THIS may be what needed to happen to bring out somethings that needed attention in your heart and mind.

DO not feel ashamed for taking in the caring attitude of your Pastor. Adultery in your heart would mean that you actively (in your heart/mind) interrupt his marriage, the friendship and intentionally intice and think about having sex with him and do not care about him and his wife.

One time I had gained a lot of weight...and I was married to, who is now my ex, a few years ago. I was feeling like...well...YUCK! One day I went into the healthfood store and had usually avoided men, however, I needed to use the restroom and the one who had the key was the fella behind the register...and was he gorgeous!! I stood by the magazines for a while trying to get up the courage. Well, finally I was forced to! I went up to him and he turned around and looked right at me in the eyes and talked to me and treated me like a lady....very gentle and kind. There was NO pretense in his eyes at all...I could tell that he authentically was not thinking badly about me.

Anyway, I knew, as I walked out to the car, that God had given me a gift that day. I was flyin'!!That, in fact, was the day I started eating better and walking regularly

Feeling s are NOT bad....it is missing the mark if we intentionally cross the line and hurt the other person(s).

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #9 on: Thu Oct 20, 2011 - 13:33:56 »
Your pastor should not better than to work, so close with a woman. 

Offline lovie dovie

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #10 on: Fri Oct 21, 2011 - 11:19:09 »
 I would suggest run as would supplanter have advised. I believe there are some things better left unsaid.Revealing your feelings to the pastor will not help and will make him more vulnerable for an illicit affair with you.Confess your sins to God and start fresh with Him.

Offline chosenone

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #11 on: Fri Oct 21, 2011 - 11:48:35 »
I fail to see how telling the pastor is edifying to anyone in the situation. This man is married. If he has feelings for this woman then God can convict him of it. However, her professing she has feelings toward him in a private discussion could very well plant seeds that don't need to be planted if their is mutual affection especially given the vulnerable state that this lady is in, whereas saying nothing and leaving keeps everyone's dignity and reputation in tact and prevents further instigation of something that would not be right any way.

If telling in some way practical benefits the pastor and/or his wife then fine but I can't see how it would. When would it ever be appropriate to disclose your attraction to a married man? I find that confession to that man is often just a way to test a hope that he will feel the same way and somehow find "permission" to commit the sin you've been thinking about anyway.


I totally agree with this. Dont ever tell him, goodness knows what will happen if you do. You need to leave that position asap, no explanations needed and keep right away from him(even if it means leaving that church). You havent been there long so you can easily change to another one. Confess to God and that is enough. If you need to confess to anyone else let it be a close female friend who can hold you accountable. It is ALWAYS wrong for a female to have counselling with a man, or to spend lots of time alone with him. He should NEVER have held you or kissed you, that was so wrong.
 
Any sort of flirting or spending time alone together is a no no, and all married people need clear boundaries with the opposite sex which neither of you have. He needs to spend more time with his wife. Honestly, you are both playing with fire and if you arent careful you will be responsible for another marriage break up. Many women are apparently attracted to their pastors, and this is a very dangerous situation. Also dont allow yourself to think about him once you have left that job, dont day dream or fantasise, and take every thought captive.
You are vulnerable right now and Satan will take advantage of that.You have a clear choice to choose the right way or the wrong one, please chose life.
God Bless
« Last Edit: Fri Oct 21, 2011 - 12:48:31 by chosenone »

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #12 on: Sat Dec 10, 2011 - 05:53:05 »
I agree that you should leave this position and put yourself out of 'harm's reach'.  I also wouldn't confess to the pastor, because in the event that he too is 'feeling' something, this will give him licence to simply give into it.    Do not involve him in this matter at all - confess to a female friend or other pastor and then get a structure in place that simply stops you being alone with him.

It is very unwise of him to work so closely with a vulnerable woman anyway - let alone to bring emotion into your counselling session by kissing you on the forehead.  It sounds like he has crossed a few boundaries himself already!

If you do not want to bring complet destruction on yourself, his marriage, the church and many other things, you have to walk away.  Leave the situation alone completely and move on with your life.  He is married, he is not yours, to even think about.   

It will be VERY difficult, of course it will, but if you don't, the repercussions could literally shake your life to the core and cause devastation even for the next generation too.   It's just not worth it. 

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #13 on: Tue Dec 13, 2011 - 11:03:58 »
Be like Joseph and flee from the temptation

And do NOT 'confess' to your pastor

Sorry this happened

Offline Lavender

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #14 on: Wed Dec 14, 2011 - 22:12:11 »
I agree that you should leave this position and put yourself out of 'harm's reach'.  I also wouldn't confess to the pastor, because in the event that he too is 'feeling' something, this will give him licence to simply give into it.    Do not involve him in this matter at all - confess to a female friend or other pastor and then get a structure in place that simply stops you being alone with him.

It is very unwise of him to work so closely with a vulnerable woman anyway - let alone to bring emotion into your counselling session by kissing you on the forehead.  It sounds like he has crossed a few boundaries himself already!

If you do not want to bring complet destruction on yourself, his marriage, the church and many other things, you have to walk away.  Leave the situation alone completely and move on with your life.  He is married, he is not yours, to even think about.   

It will be VERY difficult, of course it will, but if you don't, the repercussions could literally shake your life to the core and cause devastation even for the next generation too.   It's just not worth it. 


That is sound advice, happypromises.   Manna to you.

Offline chosenone

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #15 on: Wed Dec 14, 2011 - 22:18:32 »
I came to this church about 90 days ago I am still married however will be divorced in about two weeks.  This pastor has tried to counsel my husband and I but my husband rage confirmed the marriage should be over.  I truly tried to save my marriage.

However, this situation gets very interesting....Please understand I am in need of GODLY answers not ridicule. 

I work very close with my pastor.  I am his right hand.  There is however an attraction and what I would call some flirting between the two of us.  My pastor has been married over 15 years and says he loves his wife and says it to the congregation.  He spends months at at time in this state and a couple of weeks at his home in another state.  However, when we are together there is something in the air and I know I feel it.  A too long of a look into each other eyes, the compliments we give each other and the awareness of when the other is not themselves.  It's almost as we both know it but we can act on it because of his position. 

This did not hit me until an episode with my husband at my pastor office which there was a very heated argument.  My husband stormed out.  I was in tears.  Then this pastor came to me and held me and said "I love you" then kissed me on the forehead.  This has had me confused since.  It was not what was said that was confusing it was how it was said it this situation.

I still spend a lot a time with this pastor.  Handling the business matter of the church.  I am tired of juggling these thoughts of what to do that is why I am bringing this to a discussion in private ::juggle:: .  I don't feel I can bring it up to anyone at my church because they see that he and I spend a lot of time together and they talk.

Should I address this pastor with my feelings?  Should I leave my position at the church?  Could I be wrong and the only one with these feelings?

He says to me all the time he can tell when I am not myself and he tries to pry it out of me.  I just cannot tell him my feelings.  I don't want to destroy the work relationship because I really enjoy working in this church and working for the LORD.

I am not a home wrecker and I understand the constitution of marriage.  I have never been in this situation in my life and I am so lost. 
I want to ask him who could he recommend as another pastor do discuss my problem without telling him that he is what we are going to discuss.  I know he will ask me what is wrong.  Please GOD help me!!
Is the pastor happily married?


 What difference does it make if he is happily married or not, the fact is that he is married, and therefore in a covenant relationship with his wife to which he made life long promises. Therefore he not free to be with any other woman.

Offline Sinead

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #16 on: Thu Dec 15, 2011 - 03:33:21 »
wow...what in the world is this pastor doing putting his arms around you and kissing you? This is sooo inappropriate and out of line!

If there has been no adultery in your marriage and if your husband is not an unbeliever doing the leaving then you should not be getting a divorce. A seperation would be permissable but not a divorce.
No wonder you didnt get anywhere in counselling with your husband - take a long look at whose been 'counselling' you!

You should resign from your position - you don't need to disclose why you are leaving because this could do more harm than good.

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #17 on: Thu Dec 15, 2011 - 10:04:46 »
wow...what in the world is this pastor doing putting his arms around you and kissing you? This is sooo inappropriate and out of line!

If there has been no adultery in your marriage and if your husband is not an unbeliever doing the leaving then you should not be getting a divorce. A seperation would be permissable but not a divorce.
No wonder you didnt get anywhere in counselling with your husband - take a long look at whose been 'counselling' you!

You should resign from your position - you don't need to disclose why you are leaving because this could do more harm than good.

Excellent advice!  The situation is very seductive.  The poster really does know what to do.  As anyone would.
Scripture states we are drawn away by our own lust to sin (lust does not necessairly mean sexual either)

It is an unfortunate truth that many pastors do have an affair with a woman in their congregation in exactly
the same way as the poster

The pastor is a wolf....he is hurting a wounded a sheep by making advances in the name of Christian 'love'

Offline chosenone

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #18 on: Thu Dec 15, 2011 - 10:55:13 »
They arent free to love though, he is married! Love between two people who are married to others is forbidden by God. Men are to Love their wives the Lord says, NOT another lady who may be after them. WE arent free to end one marriage to start another even if we do love that person. We should never allow ourselves to be in that position of getting close to another either.

Offline Vianca2

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #19 on: Wed Dec 21, 2011 - 10:33:51 »
I don't understand how can anybody be atracted to a person and feel ashame at the same time.

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #20 on: Wed Dec 21, 2011 - 10:58:38 »
I don't understand how can anybody be atracted to a person and feel ashame at the same time.

 ??? so if your new dh was attracted to another woman he worked with, you would be fine with that and not expect him to feel shame or any loyalty to you?

God's word tells us not to covet (or desire) another persons spouse...so that is where the feeling of shame come from.  Knowing it is wrong to do so according to God.  

~~~~
God tells us to take every thought captive.  He tells us this to keep our minds from causing us to stumble.  This is a PERFECT example of why He calls us to this OP.

Take these "feelings" and thoughts of attraction captive, confess them to God, ask Him to remove them.  He will be faithful to do so...

And YES! Leave your position at the church!  I would also encourage you GREATLY to find a NEW person to give you marriage counseling, since this pastor of yours seems a bit seedy to me...and wasn't able to be objective to your dh.

« Last Edit: Wed Dec 21, 2011 - 11:13:13 by MeMyself »

Offline Vianca2

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #21 on: Fri Dec 23, 2011 - 09:17:55 »
I don't understand how can anybody be attracted to a person and feel ashame at the same time.

 ??? so if your new dh was attracted to another woman he worked with, you would be fine with that and not expect him to feel shame or any loyalty to you?

God's word tells us not to covet (or desire) another persons spouse...so that is where the feeling of shame come from.  Knowing it is wrong to do so according to God.  

~~~~
God tells us to take every thought captive.  He tells us this to keep our minds from causing us to stumble.  This is a PERFECT example of why He calls us to this OP.

Take these "feelings" and thoughts of attraction captive, confess them to God, ask Him to remove them.  He will be faithful to do so...

And YES! Leave your position at the church!  I would also encourage you GREATLY to find a NEW person to give you marriage counseling, since this pastor of yours seems a bit seedy to me...and wasn't able to be objective to your dh.


If my husband is attracted to another women.  There is nothing I can do to change that.  No matter what I do he will still be attracted to her.  I will tell you this.  If he doesn't love me any more then I don't want him to be with me.  I want a marriage not legal bondage.  I am sure God will understand.

Offline chosenone

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #22 on: Fri Dec 23, 2011 - 09:26:02 »
I don't understand how can anybody be atracted to a person and feel ashame at the same time.


 because its wrong and thats why she feels ashamed. She is attracted to a married man who isnt free to marry anyone else, or get too close to another woman. When we marry we make promises to our husband or wife to be faithful, so if anyone else comes along we are to stay away. If we start having innapropriate feelings for a man/woman who is married, or if we are married and have wrong feelings for someone else, we need to stop seeing them. We are in a covenant marriage to another and not free to persue anyone else. Adultery is a really serious thing.

Offline MeMyself

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #23 on: Fri Dec 23, 2011 - 09:52:35 »
If my husband is attracted to another women.  There is nothing I can do to change that.  No matter what I do he will still be attracted to her.  I will tell you this.  If he doesn't love me any more then I don't want him to be with me.  I want a marriage not legal bondage.  I am sure God will understand.

I don't even know how to respond to this...

You seem to think that we are to be lead about by our ever changing and often selfish feelings and that God cares not for where those lead us.

That is a mistake. 

Offline Vianca2

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #24 on: Sat Dec 24, 2011 - 09:26:19 »
If my husband is attracted to another women.  There is nothing I can do to change that.  No matter what I do he will still be attracted to her.  I will tell you this.  If he doesn't love me any more then I don't want him to be with me.  I want a marriage not legal bondage.  I am sure God will understand.

I don't even know how to respond to this...

You seem to think that we are to be lead about by our ever changing and often selfish feelings and that God cares not for where those lead us.

That is a mistake. 
You did not understand what I was trying to say.  Maybe I didn't explain my self well.   I don't want to be with a man that doesn't love me.  It will not be good for him or me.  I can't and I don't want to force no one to love me.  You can't force love.

Offline MeMyself

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #25 on: Sat Dec 24, 2011 - 09:52:48 »
If my husband is attracted to another women.  There is nothing I can do to change that.  No matter what I do he will still be attracted to her.  I will tell you this.  If he doesn't love me any more then I don't want him to be with me.  I want a marriage not legal bondage.  I am sure God will understand.

I don't even know how to respond to this...

You seem to think that we are to be lead about by our ever changing and often selfish feelings and that God cares not for where those lead us.

That is a mistake. 
You did not understand what I was trying to say.  Maybe I didn't explain my self well.   I don't want to be with a man that doesn't love me.  It will not be good for him or me.  I can't and I don't want to force no one to love me.  You can't force love.

No, I understand what you are saying and I am saying it is a a wrong attitude to have towards marriage.  Marriage is about more than the squishy butterflies and hearts of romantic feeling.  It is about commitment, it is about loyalty, it is about hard work and perseverance.

It is taking sinful thoughts, wishes, fantasies, desires and feelings captive and fixing our eye on Christ so we can best keep to the promise we made to our spouse and to God who put us together.

Feelings come and then they go and if a person bails too early for no reason but the changing season of feelings, they will miss out when the feelings come back deeper, stronger, more mature and meaningful than when they first blossomed.

God hates divorce and so He limited what is just cause to *be* divorced.  He doesn't wink and nod at divorcing over being unhappy or no longer lead by feelings of "in love".


Offline Vianca2

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #26 on: Sun Dec 25, 2011 - 10:34:07 »
I came to this church about 90 days ago I am still married however will be divorced in about two weeks.  This pastor has tried to counsel my husband and I but my husband rage confirmed the marriage should be over.  I truly tried to save my marriage.

However, this situation gets very interesting....Please understand I am in need of GODLY answers not ridicule. 

I work very close with my pastor.  I am his right hand.  There is however an attraction and what I would call some flirting between the two of us.  My pastor has been married over 15 years and says he loves his wife and says it to the congregation.  He spends months at at time in this state and a couple of weeks at his home in another state.  However, when we are together there is something in the air and I know I feel it.  A too long of a look into each other eyes, the compliments we give each other and the awareness of when the other is not themselves.  It's almost as we both know it but we can act on it because of his position. 

This did not hit me until an episode with my husband at my pastor office which there was a very heated argument.  My husband stormed out.  I was in tears.  Then this pastor came to me and held me and said "I love you" then kissed me on the forehead.  This has had me confused since.  It was not what was said that was confusing it was how it was said it this situation.

I still spend a lot a time with this pastor.  Handling the business matter of the church.  I am tired of juggling these thoughts of what to do that is why I am bringing this to a discussion in private ::juggle:: .  I don't feel I can bring it up to anyone at my church because they see that he and I spend a lot of time together and they talk.

Should I address this pastor with my feelings?  Should I leave my position at the church?  Could I be wrong and the only one with these feelings?

He says to me all the time he can tell when I am not myself and he tries to pry it out of me.  I just cannot tell him my feelings.  I don't want to destroy the work relationship because I really enjoy working in this church and working for the LORD.

I am not a home wrecker and I understand the constitution of marriage.  I have never been in this situation in my life and I am so lost. 
I want to ask him who could he recommend as another pastor do discuss my problem without telling him that he is what we are going to discuss.  I know he will ask me what is wrong.  Please GOD help me!!
Is the pastor happily married?


 What difference does it make if he is happily married or not, the fact is that he is married, and therefore in a covenant relationship with his wife to which he made life long promises. Therefore he not free to be with any other woman.
The word Covenant(legal contract) and love contradict each other.

Offline MeMyself

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #27 on: Sun Dec 25, 2011 - 12:47:27 »
I came to this church about 90 days ago I am still married however will be divorced in about two weeks.  This pastor has tried to counsel my husband and I but my husband rage confirmed the marriage should be over.  I truly tried to save my marriage.

However, this situation gets very interesting....Please understand I am in need of GODLY answers not ridicule. 

I work very close with my pastor.  I am his right hand.  There is however an attraction and what I would call some flirting between the two of us.  My pastor has been married over 15 years and says he loves his wife and says it to the congregation.  He spends months at at time in this state and a couple of weeks at his home in another state.  However, when we are together there is something in the air and I know I feel it.  A too long of a look into each other eyes, the compliments we give each other and the awareness of when the other is not themselves.  It's almost as we both know it but we can act on it because of his position. 

This did not hit me until an episode with my husband at my pastor office which there was a very heated argument.  My husband stormed out.  I was in tears.  Then this pastor came to me and held me and said "I love you" then kissed me on the forehead.  This has had me confused since.  It was not what was said that was confusing it was how it was said it this situation.

I still spend a lot a time with this pastor.  Handling the business matter of the church.  I am tired of juggling these thoughts of what to do that is why I am bringing this to a discussion in private ::juggle:: .  I don't feel I can bring it up to anyone at my church because they see that he and I spend a lot of time together and they talk.

Should I address this pastor with my feelings?  Should I leave my position at the church?  Could I be wrong and the only one with these feelings?

He says to me all the time he can tell when I am not myself and he tries to pry it out of me.  I just cannot tell him my feelings.  I don't want to destroy the work relationship because I really enjoy working in this church and working for the LORD.

I am not a home wrecker and I understand the constitution of marriage.  I have never been in this situation in my life and I am so lost. 
I want to ask him who could he recommend as another pastor do discuss my problem without telling him that he is what we are going to discuss.  I know he will ask me what is wrong.  Please GOD help me!!
Is the pastor happily married?


 What difference does it make if he is happily married or not, the fact is that he is married, and therefore in a covenant relationship with his wife to which he made life long promises. Therefore he not free to be with any other woman.
The word Covenant(legal contract) and love contradict each other.

only if you are selfish and have an entitlement mentality do they contradict each other.

Offline wife4life

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #28 on: Mon Feb 20, 2012 - 16:19:32 »
Coming at this from a different angle... ::pondering::

You cannot "indulge" in any way, and yes even talking would be indulging because it will bring you emotionally closer to him and that is dangerous.

I have been here, I have.  If you "go there" it will get heated but it will eventually pass and you will be a bad experience in his past.  Is that what you want to be?  It takes patience but you need to protect his image of you and your self respect. 

DONT GO THERE!!!!  AND GET OUT!!!  It will always be a nice memory.

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #29 on: Fri Feb 24, 2012 - 15:01:03 »
NEVER give in to you're sins. its the worst thing the eye of god.

 ::amen!::
gosd eye knows

Offline kensington

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #30 on: Sat Feb 25, 2012 - 16:03:44 »
I don't understand how can anybody be attracted to a person and feel ashame at the same time.

 ??? so if your new dh was attracted to another woman he worked with, you would be fine with that and not expect him to feel shame or any loyalty to you?

God's word tells us not to covet (or desire) another persons spouse...so that is where the feeling of shame come from.  Knowing it is wrong to do so according to God.  

~~~~
God tells us to take every thought captive.  He tells us this to keep our minds from causing us to stumble.  This is a PERFECT example of why He calls us to this OP.

Take these "feelings" and thoughts of attraction captive, confess them to God, ask Him to remove them.  He will be faithful to do so...

And YES! Leave your position at the church!  I would also encourage you GREATLY to find a NEW person to give you marriage counseling, since this pastor of yours seems a bit seedy to me...and wasn't able to be objective to your dh.


If my husband is attracted to another women.  There is nothing I can do to change that.  No matter what I do he will still be attracted to her.  I will tell you this.  If he doesn't love me any more then I don't want him to be with me.  I want a marriage not legal bondage.  I am sure God will understand.

Then you need to read the Word of God and see the truth about what God does and does not understand and what he will and will not tolerate in his children. He actually divorced the nation of Israel once.

Offline janine

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Re: I feel so down and ashame I am attracted to a married pastor
« Reply #31 on: Sat Mar 03, 2012 - 04:23:29 »
Feelings come and feelings go.  They are the icing on life's cake, but they are not the cake itself.

A woman is worth so much more than creepy shameful illicit leftover attention from a married man.  Run away!  Run away!