I need help, never been through this before.

[seasonofgrey]

Hi,

Im 27 and I've been through relationships before, had a first love and have even been married (for a very brief time) just to give the jist of how in my opinion although subject to change, would say I'm somwhat mature in veiwing and dealing with relationships. Ill stay on topic but i have to add that ive been very dearly hurt by the church in my early 20's, in turn influenced me away from the christian life. I'm just now inching towards being involved in a church and taking small steps with caution. As you can imagine, during that time, i have been involved in a couple of relationships that were not Godly and I am now writing about my last one.
  I met a man (37) and slowly fell in love with him. And deep down inside I grew such a strong attachment to him. I knew he beleived in God, but it wasnt explicitly Jesus Christ. Which was my fault. I shouldv'e have been rock solid about that rule, but I let it slip this time. I wont add any unnessecary information about the love story unless if asked; i'd be happy to extend. Anyways we started dating and it lasted for about 3 weeks- a month. I was surounded by freinds and family, and had a unique, romantic atmosphere in the midst of us. One reason why it feels so strong as of a first love. he then broke up with me. And I cant explain it, but this experience of losing him could thoroughly redefine the word devastated. Im wont bibble babble about how special he was to me, becuase you already know that. He was. This happened last year in may (2011) The thing that gets me is, know ing myself. How on earth could I still feel so strongly about him and visualize spiritually a fresh wound in my soul from this destroyed love when it was ONLY 3 weeks?? I dont understand it. Now I will tell you I love Jesus. And my prayers have consisted of "Lord, please take away my love for (blank), it's hurting me and I cant do this anymore, I dont want to love him anymore if its not your will for me to love him, so Lord, take away the love I have for him in my heart completely." Thats how serious I am about Jesus and how much this love hurt me. I am accompanied with feelings of vast emptiness, deadness, loss, and numbness. There is a huge hole in my soul form this. It is now February 8th, 2012 and it hasnt changed. Why does God allow this love in my heart to remain? I wish It would go away. If I could be with him, that would be great. But I can't stand having these desires and longings for his love and not being quenched. Always desiring and never have these needs met is like a prison. I try very hard to keep busy and stay happy very day, but at the end of the day when im all alone. The deepest parts of my heart and soul surface through and I cant mask it. I end up complaining to God about my lonliness and other negative emotions. But honestly, I just want to be happy again. And not have an unfullfilled love that is so strong. Im desperate and want this to go away. Please pray for me and help me with thoughtfull mature wisdom and advice. keeping in mind I have been very hurt by Christians in the past. Thankyou.

[Janice]

I'm not so sure that God will take away any love you have for your ex, and wonder if praying that God would help you to redefine your love. God's nature is love, and we are called to love one another, so asking God to take away love would seem improbable, imo. But maybe consider asking God to remove any romantic inclination you have towards your ex. Pray for his salvation. Pray for a godly love that says "his interests are more important to me than my own interests." His best interest is salvation, and romantically, his best interest might be someone else.

It is not unusual that residual feelings linger for a long time after a first love, particularly when you did not desire to end the relationship. You gave your heart to him, and that is a huge deal for a woman. Give yourself permission to grieve as you need, and then give yourself permission to move on when you are ready. And in the meantime, pray God's best for your ex.

As for being deeply hurt by the church - I, too, was very deeply hurt. If my faith were not already firm in Christ, I would likely have been so turned off by the Christian faith that I would have pursued other gods. But when I prayed and prayed, and listened to God for an answer, he revealed that the body is made up of many parts, and Jesus alone is the head. I don't know about you, but when I look at my physical body, I see some parts I really don't like a whole lot, and I have a few parts that actually hurt when they are not used properly. So when I think about the Body of believers, there are also a few I don't like a whole lot (does not stop me loving them, though), and a few parts that hurt, but they are very few parts. The people who hurt you are people, not the whole church. It was only a small part of the Body that hurt you, not the whole Body. I know it takes time to build trust again after being hurt, and that is okay. It is you guarding your heart so the same situation will be less likely to be repeated. But pray for those who hurt you. Pray that the ministry of reconciliation will be lived out and demonstrated in your relationships with them, if that is a possibility.

Many blessings to you as you work out these deep matters in your heart.

[seasonofgrey]

I know there are different types of love you can have for people. Of course I aim for aggape love for all people but the love I had for him was so deep. It was beyond just romantic love, you see, we worked together and it was just me and him and i was helping him with his business and it felt like the place of work was our home. It was very similar to a husband and wife team. Its hard to explain the depth of love I had for him. He was a bit older and treated me like a daughter. I never had much family love or support so I soaked up this kind of treatment to the very last drop. I loved him so deepy. Thats why I pray to God that He will take away my deep love for him. And I do pray for his wellbeing and salvation. But the more I pray for him it can be dangerous becuase it just spawns on my deep love for him. So ive rested in that area for now.

[Tazgirl]

I know how you feel with the connection. You felt loved and that you belonged and you probably felt freein a way and ssecure/
I believe that God is not going to take the way you feel about him because He wishes for you to leave and learn.
Maybe  ask God  to help steer you in the right direction and help you heal as well as help you with better choices and help you love again.
Maybe its kind of the same prayer but in a way differemt
remember the saying " what doesnt kill you makes you stronger".
I had my first daughter with an ex.. After him I gotten lonely after the break up and often told my mother " it was me,  or I would find love again" I was about to give up when gillandro came  around. I was cautious at first because he was my ex bf but wow talk about a 360(not all men are like  that) not to mention  He treated my first born like his own(not many do that) I questioned god myself  and esp when I had to go to court to keep her I prayed often(im tired forgot the term for that type of  trial).

[seasonofgrey]

Tazgirl- did you get back together with your ex?

[ByHisGrace07]

I appreciate your being so open and your desire for sound advice. So I will be completely honest here. Although, you mentioned loving God more, it is clear this person consumes more of your thoughts and heart than God. Remember God does love you, but He will not compete w/something or someone, who you've allowed to become an idol in your life.

You say, you've asked God to remove this obstacle from your life. But it is so evident that at some level you still entertain yourself w/ideas of this person. So in essence in your mind you begin by setting yourself up for a melt down, which later overwhelms you emotionally and spiritually, because your then struck w/the convictions you've ignored to begin w/.

Its almost like buying yourself a forbidden desert, taking it home and asking God to remove the obstacle. You set yourself up!

You comfort yourself w/ideas him, then reality hits you and you ask God, "WHY?".

Sounds like a vicious cycle your subjecting yourself to.

I would suggest evaluating your thoughts. Try pinpointing what triggers you to think about this person and change that. Get in the Word of God and meditate on it. Seek God beforehand and lay hold of the amour of God. Rather, than running to God after the melt down.

In prayer, ask God to change your heart in the matter and to fill you w/His desires for your life. Rather, than asking Him to change your situation.

[EJ]

"... He was a bit older and treated me like a daughter. I never had much family love or support so I soaked up this kind of treatment to the very last drop..."

  Substitute father maybe--since you received little family love and support.   And losing what you thought you were finally receiving--mistaking it for romantic love--was a double whammy of heartwrenching pain.  Loss of romantic love along with human father type love and attention...?   

Letting go of the need for romantic love's return might hasten your realising that  God & jesus Christ are the fulfillment of what your heart needs.  Not praying that God will remove that romantic love need & its pain.         

[janine]

There are actual physical manifestations when one "falls in love".  Measurable differences in hormones and brain chemistry and stuff.

That phenomenon is a separate thing from one's decision to love.  It's separate from one's commitments, covenants and loyalties.

Of course it's fabulous when you enter a season of experiencing both together.  Longtime married couples go through that stuff in cycles, the "falling in love".

It doesn't hurt to ask God to change or take away something you're suffering through.  Paul did.  But, we have to be prepared to accept whatever answer we get from the Lord, as Paul did.  It might be that the Lord will allow you to walk through your pain and confusion all the way through from beginning to end.  More things to learn that way, maybe.

[diligent57]

Hello,

Please meditate on the following scriptures. I really feel your pain. I've been there.

Matthew 22:37
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.


1 Corinthians 6:12
All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.

Isaiah 26:3
Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.


Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

Psalm 119:165
Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them.

Revelation 12:11
And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.



Matthew 6:33
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

[IamStefanie]

Hi seasonofgrey,
 If I may offer any encouragement, first, I want to say, I have been there. The circumstances were different, but there was a man that I just could not get over. I actually broke up with him, but my mind and heart would want him. I can't say if the degree was the same, but I can say that it took me a while to get over him. And part of my healing was to pray for this man and his own safety, love and salvation. Then, I had to quit talking about him in EVERY prayer. I had to show God how much I loved HIM. And since God had allowed for me and this man to separate, then I had to pray for him and move on with my life with GOD. Because see, the man had left. But God is still there! So I believed for me, God wanted my attention. And by faith in God, and in time, the desires for my ex diminished.

So, if I may offer advice, focus on God's love, not the love you have for this man. The love you have for this man is indeed valid. But see, I believe, God allowed you two to separate for His divine reason. So cling to Him as you did to your ex. I believe that by your faith and over time, you will experience healing.