Thank you for your support. I filed a police report and they called me few times to check on me. I am afraid this may go the wrong way. I do not want him to go to jail or lose his job. That will add more damage to our life. The police told him to stay away from us but that is not a restraining order. I am taking baby steps for now.
I did not speak to a divorce lawyer. I do not understand much theology but legal divorce does not end a marriage in the Orthodox Church. It is a canon law. I have been divorced twice, but this is my first Christian marriage. Separation also has spiritual consequences such as excommunication.
There is so much mental illness in this marriage. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and my husband has always been short-tempered but considering we had so much intimacy together, I did not think much about it. I did not see this coming. Maybe because I often confuse sex with love. Husband shows remorse, says sorry, tells me he loves me, promise not to hit me again, but that did not work the first and second time. He made a hole in the wall before. He has a mental problem but I did not know early in this marriage. He is bipolar and suffers from intermittent explosive disorder. This is also the reason his ex left him. He does not take any medication and refuses to go counselling. My daughter is four. He never hits her but may happen in the future. I am also worried about his relationship with God. He abandoned the church immediately after his priest confronted him. If he does not come to church and does not get medical help, I have no desire to reconcile with him.
I have a mother in Russia. I do not expect anything from her. I do not think many of you understood when I said I am extremely poor. I come from a past of abuse and was on endless search for belonging and safety my entire life. I am 32 had only 3 relationships. What is not normal is the fact I married all of them and with no time in between. I am very insecure woman. That is not going to change easily. Please do not judge me or be angry with me if I tell you about my past. First, Mom lives in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere in a one bedroom flat. very Harsh living conditions. I started working with Chinese modeling agency abroad at age 15. Was pretty tough, paid a little bit of money, overworked, and later in life I moved to London worked at clubs & casinos for years, I am also ex-escort, been sexually harassed few times, many times I returned home in tears. That was my life until I married my second.
I am very devastated but my husband is the only reason I am still breathing now. I have no job to continue living separately. I am looking for a job in sales this time.