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Author Topic: Should I report it ?  (Read 1390 times)

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Offline KarlaGrace

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Should I report it ?
« on: Thu May 10, 2018 - 21:53:47 »
My 'separated' husband beat me badly last night and broke my wrist. I did not report it because I want to save this marriage, but I am very terrified of him now. Happened twice already....I am not sure if I should allow him to see his daughter again. 

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Should I report it ?
« on: Thu May 10, 2018 - 21:53:47 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #1 on: Fri May 11, 2018 - 00:27:42 »
Good grief, of course you should report it. Go to the police and also get legal advise asap. Is there somewhere you can go for safety? A family member? Someone from your church?  A women's refuge? No she is not safe with him, you both need help. Get a restraining order. Do NOT let him into the house, change the locks.
There is no marriage worth saving. He is a violent abuser and isn't to be trusted. You must think of the child. Even if he never hits her, she will be greatly damaged seeing this awful abuse. Do you want her to think that its ok for a woman to be beaten up? One day he may kill you or turn on her and what then? 

Please act now. 
« Last Edit: Fri May 11, 2018 - 04:42:25 by chosenone »

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #1 on: Fri May 11, 2018 - 00:27:42 »

Offline grams

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #2 on: Fri May 11, 2018 - 08:40:29 »


Oh   Yes,  report this!!!!!!!!!!!

MAY  BE THEY WILL HELP  HIM !!!    HE NEEDS  { help}  VERY MUCH....


Offline MeMyself

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #3 on: Fri May 11, 2018 - 09:38:34 »
My 'separated' husband beat me badly last night and broke my wrist. I did not report it because I want to save this marriage, but I am very terrified of him now. Happened twice already....I am not sure if I should allow him to see his daughter again.

Report it.

Sometimes, we need to show our daughters that women have as much worth and value as our sons, fathers, brothers and husbands.

Also, sometimes people need to hit rock bottom, feel the consequences of their actions, before they realize they need to repent and call on God to change them.

You can't change your husband by being a punching bag...
Only God can change him...
I say, remove yourself from between them and let God have him without you there to distract him.
Ps. protect your daughter!  He has proven himself to be unsafe with you, who are fully grown...what might he do to someone small and immature?

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #3 on: Fri May 11, 2018 - 09:38:34 »
Pinterest: GraceCentered.com

Offline KarlaGrace

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #4 on: Sat May 12, 2018 - 01:16:08 »
No family members here, not even close friends. I am Russian. We met online and married him 2 weeks after I arrived in the US. I regret it now… I am extremely poor and dependent on him. He knows this. Modelling is all I knew for living but I gave up after becoming a Christian.

I go to a Greek orthodox church and spoke to a priest many times who knows what is happening, but he kept saying work on the marriage, forgive him, there are no biblical grounds for divorce. Divorce is a horrible sin…etc…

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #4 on: Sat May 12, 2018 - 01:16:08 »



Offline MeMyself

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #5 on: Sat May 12, 2018 - 10:04:46 »
No family members here, not even close friends. I am Russian. We met online and married him 2 weeks after I arrived in the US. I regret it now… I am extremely poor and dependent on him. He knows this. Modelling is all I knew for living but I gave up after becoming a Christian.

I go to a Greek orthodox church and spoke to a priest many times who knows what is happening, but he kept saying work on the marriage, forgive him, there are no biblical grounds for divorce. Divorce is a horrible sin…etc…

Divorce in this case is not the horrible sin..the fact that your husband, who has promised to love, honor and cherish you is beating you IS!  It infuriates me that you are being counseled this way.  You are not going to fix this, you can't.  You can only protect yourself and teach your daughter that women are valuable human beings and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. 

How old is the child?

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #6 on: Sat May 12, 2018 - 10:27:54 »
No family members here, not even close friends. I am Russian. We met online and married him 2 weeks after I arrived in the US. I regret it now… I am extremely poor and dependent on him. He knows this. Modelling is all I knew for living but I gave up after becoming a Christian.

I go to a Greek orthodox church and spoke to a priest many times who knows what is happening, but he kept saying work on the marriage, forgive him, there are no biblical grounds for divorce. Divorce is a horrible sin…etc…

As others have said, you must report this.

Next you need to talk to the police to see about a PFA. That is protection from abuse.

Then start calling divorce lawyers and talk to them about fees. Someone likely will take your case without you necessarily shelling out a lot of money.
A proper divorced attorney will see to it you get child support money and also alimony in many cases.

It is not only you and your well being that you need to be concerned with it is also that of your child. No child should be raised in a home and have to witness these things or be abused themselves.

Your husband will not change... you would be living a life of slavery to abide by never doing or saying another things that would have him come at you again.
That is impossible...

God never intended anyone to have to live under threats.

You say you have no family here.  What about friends? I can assure you that a good friend can be worth many family members.

You are from Russia.  Do you have family back there? Could you move back there?


Offline grams

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #7 on: Sat May 12, 2018 - 18:31:49 »
And  may  be  try  a different  religion ?   Some are more  into  trying to help and be  a friend.
I know they all try to help ,  some will do it now  not tomorrow  or next week.

I pray you will find some one to help you to know were to go ..........  Blessing to you ! 

Offline chosenone

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #8 on: Sun May 13, 2018 - 14:03:34 »
Your priest is very wrong. His advise is appalling.
At this stage its not about divorce anyway, its about you getting yourself and your child away from this violent abusive man.
Please go to the police and report him and ask them about a womans refuge. Have you get any friends or family who can lend you the money for your fare back to Russia?

By the way, don't tell him anything about any plans to leave. The woman's refuge will be able to help you and give advise. When he is at work, pack some things for yourself and your daughter and  go. Dont let him know whjere you are, but you must go to the police.

This is why its such a bad idea  to marry a man you hardly knew and from another country.   
« Last Edit: Sun May 13, 2018 - 14:06:26 by chosenone »

Offline Alan

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #9 on: Sat May 19, 2018 - 22:30:16 »
Guys, while your advice is good, please respect the rules of the women's forum.

(this post will self destruct)

Offline Johnb

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #10 on: Fri May 25, 2018 - 18:14:02 »
Sorry I clicked on her profile and did not notice it was the women's forum.  My bad I apologize     

Offline KarlaGrace

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #11 on: Fri Jun 01, 2018 - 07:43:07 »
Thank you for your support. I filed a police report and they called me few times to check on me. I am afraid this may go the wrong way. I do not want him to go to jail or lose his job. That will add more damage to our life. The police told him to stay away from us but that is not a restraining order. I am taking baby steps for now.

I did not speak to a divorce lawyer. I do not understand much theology but legal divorce does not end a marriage in the Orthodox Church. It is a canon law. I have been divorced twice, but this is my first Christian marriage. Separation also has spiritual consequences such as excommunication.

There is so much mental illness in this marriage. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and my husband has always been short-tempered but considering we had so much intimacy together, I did not think much about it. I did not see this coming. Maybe because I often confuse sex with love. Husband shows remorse, says sorry, tells me he loves me, promise not to hit me again, but that did not work the first and second time. He made a hole in the wall before. He has a mental problem but I did not know early in this marriage. He is bipolar and suffers from intermittent explosive disorder. This is also the reason his ex left him. He does not take any medication and refuses to go counselling. My daughter is four. He never hits her but may happen in the future. I am also worried about his relationship with God. He abandoned the church immediately after his priest confronted him. If he does not come to church and does not get medical help, I have no desire to reconcile with him.

I have a mother in Russia. I do not expect anything from her. I do not think many of you understood when I said I am extremely poor. I come from a past of abuse and was on endless search for belonging and safety my entire life. I am 32 had only 3 relationships. What is not normal is the fact I married all of them and with no time in between. I am very insecure woman. That is not going to change easily. Please do not judge me or be angry with me if I tell you about my past. First, Mom lives in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere in a one bedroom flat. very Harsh living conditions. I started working with Chinese modeling agency abroad at age 15. Was pretty tough, paid a little bit of money, overworked, and later in life I moved to London worked at clubs & casinos for years, I am also ex-escort, been sexually harassed few times, many times I returned home in tears. That was my life until I married my second.

I am very devastated but  my husband is the only reason I am still breathing now. I have no job to continue living separately. I am looking for a job in sales this time.

Offline MeMyself

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #12 on: Fri Jun 01, 2018 - 10:15:22 »
I am very devastated but  my husband is the only reason I am still breathing now.

This is too much pressure for any one human being to shoulder.  Its not fair to him and its not fair to you.  I wanted to weep when I read it. I've so been there...and it is not a firm foundation on which to build your sanity.  Please, dear one, step away from that thinking, so that you can find real hope and reason to live in Christ!

Do you have a church you are attending with a womens ministry? I hope so...I encourage you to take advantage of a woman who is gentle and kind and can take you under her wing to teach you to walk with God and find your rest and healing from Him.  You have much hardship in your life, much that weighs you down...God isn't mad at you, He isn't holding sins against you.  1 John 1:9 *promises* us that if we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness!  Psalm 103:12-13 tells us, "12as far as the east is from the west,so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him"!  This is glorious news! Look what the KJB says in Hebrews 8:12 "For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more."!!!  God is waiting on high to have compassion on you! (Isaiah 30:18) You are not defeated and you are not alone! He is with you!! You can make choices to freedom...that sounds harsh right now, but I don't mean for it to.  I hope you are able to find someone in your town that can aid and assist you, come alongside you and counsel you...and I hope you will be brave and strong and be willing to take the baby steps to the freedom God desires for your life. ::hug:: ::hug:: ::hug:: ::hug::

Are you on medication for your BPD?

Offline InHisPalm

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #13 on: Sat Jun 02, 2018 - 20:30:31 »
Hi Karla,

Baby steps are steps. Unfortunately many women and children die each year, christian or not, by someone who had previously physically abused them. This is a warning sign that he had already crossed boundaries and it may very well escalate to a fatal situation without the proper support and protections, first and foremost God's and then the resources God established in society for women and children to protect them such as shelters. My post is stern because it is reality for some. It is a scary situation. If you want to care for him, do it by not giving him the opportunity to escalate it further by seeking a restraining order, shelter, community supports that will help you even if you cannot afford it. Think of you and your daughter first, as you are doing.

If you would like me to help you find those in your area I am more than happy to research it and give you information that you can use right away. Divorce is legal by law, doesn't matter what church someone goes to. God does not expect you to suffer this. We all have a past. Regardless of your past you did nothing to deserve this. Right now you and your daughter comes before your husband. You are not responsible for what he did to you, you are responsible for what you do to protect yourself and your daughter. No one else can make that decision for you. Hoping it goes away doesn't work. I'd rather you and your daughter be alive tomorrow. I know people that didn't make it. I'm sorry but that is the reality. Praying for you and here if you need help finding resources.

What state are you in?
« Last Edit: Sat Jun 02, 2018 - 20:40:12 by InHisPalm »

Offline KarlaGrace

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #14 on: Thu Jul 05, 2018 - 08:46:23 »
Hello. I have good news. I got a job. I can pay the rent for now. This is not easy for me working and taking care of my daughter alone. My husband came to Church the other day. I pray for him every day. We talked a bit. He cried and said the same things the first time he hit me "I am sorry. This would never happen again. I love you. Please do not leave me." He is getting professional therapeutic help and wants to attend couples therapy. I told him I forgive him but still want some space --- maybe 3 months before going to therapy together. I hope this will save our marriage otherwise; I am considering a permanent separation.

MeMyself,

Thank you for your kindness. There is no male or female. We are all one in Christ. There is a women's group in my church but we do not call it women's ministry. They meet two times every month. I rarely attend because they meet so early in the morning.

Yes, I take meds for my BPD and depression. It does not cure it but they stop the panic attacks and the suicidal thoughts. Meds do help and I regularly see a therapist. I know my illness is a factor why I have troubles in relationships. Sadly, there is a stigma about people with BPD and many people demonize it. That is why I have this guilt about my past. I have “Quiet” BPD.

InHisPalm,

Thank you for your valuable advice. I will make sure this will not happen again.

Only an ecclesiastical divorce ends your marriage in Christianity. You can divorce legally but you are still married according to God. If we do not listen to the church, we are no different from the pagans and tax collectors according to the word of God. Of course, it does matter which church you attend. I want my children to have genuine baptism and chrismation and the true faith, which is a tradition that derives from the Apostles and their successors. The Saints and all holy fathers suffered and died to protect and preserve The Orthodox Church.

I was reading this booklet about Saint Filothei who was married to an abusive husband and it encouraged me a lot. Sometimes we should endure suffering and give our spouse a chance to repent and come to their senses.

Offline MeMyself

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #15 on: Thu Jul 05, 2018 - 09:47:51 »
MeMyself,

Thank you for your kindness. There is no male or female. We are all one in Christ.

But, that doesn't mean its the wisest course to bond with a man during this trial you are in.  Sometimes,  a woman just needs another woman to stand in the gap with us and help us. 

Quote
There is a women's group in my church but we do not call it women's ministry. They meet two times every month. I rarely attend because they meet so early in the morning.

Yes, I take meds for my BPD and depression. It does not cure it but they stop the panic attacks and the suicidal thoughts. Meds do help and I regularly see a therapist. I know my illness is a factor why I have troubles in relationships. Sadly, there is a stigma about people with BPD and many people demonize it. That is why I have this guilt about my past. I have “Quiet” BPD.

Yes, Im afraid you are right.  We do still demonize mental health issues and that is terribly sad.  I am sorry you have experienced this.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Should I report it ?
« Reply #16 on: Thu Jul 05, 2018 - 10:49:00 »
Hello. I have good news. I got a job. I can pay the rent for now. This is not easy for me working and taking care of my daughter alone. My husband came to Church the other day. I pray for him every day. We talked a bit. He cried and said the same things the first time he hit me "I am sorry. This would never happen again. I love you. Please do not leave me." He is getting professional therapeutic help and wants to attend couples therapy. I told him I forgive him but still want some space --- maybe 3 months before going to therapy together. I hope this will save our marriage otherwise; I am considering a permanent separation.

MeMyself,

Thank you for your kindness. There is no male or female. We are all one in Christ. There is a women's group in my church but we do not call it women's ministry. They meet two times every month. I rarely attend because they meet so early in the morning.

Yes, I take meds for my BPD and depression. It does not cure it but they stop the panic attacks and the suicidal thoughts. Meds do help and I regularly see a therapist. I know my illness is a factor why I have troubles in relationships. Sadly, there is a stigma about people with BPD and many people demonize it. That is why I have this guilt about my past. I have “Quiet” BPD.

InHisPalm,

Thank you for your valuable advice. I will make sure this will not happen again.

Only an ecclesiastical divorce ends your marriage in Christianity. You can divorce legally but you are still married according to God. If we do not listen to the church, we are no different from the pagans and tax collectors according to the word of God. Of course, it does matter which church you attend. I want my children to have genuine baptism and chrismation and the true faith, which is a tradition that derives from the Apostles and their successors. The Saints and all holy fathers suffered and died to protect and preserve The Orthodox Church.

I was reading this booklet about Saint Filothei who was married to an abusive husband and it encouraged me a lot. Sometimes we should endure suffering and give our spouse a chance to repent and come to their senses.
 

Thats not so, if you are legally divorced then your marriage is over. You do not need the churches approval. 

I would be VERY careful about any attempt to live with this abuser again. As you know abusers make promises all the time, but they rarely keep them.  I would give it longer than 3 months, maybe a year of him regularly getting help and going to church before you make any attempt to get back with him.  No, we should not ever put ourselves or our children in harms way.

He is a very very violent man, and God will often lead a battered wife to end that marriage. Imagine if he killed you and your child was left with him 24/7? You must protect her.   

I think you are very foolish not to report this awful attack, this man is dangerous and may hurt your child or someone else next time, and then it will be partly your responsibility.

Dont fall for his lies.
« Last Edit: Thu Jul 05, 2018 - 10:55:17 by chosenone »