My husband and I truly have found a rare kind of love, and have a wonderful marriage. I knew from the start that he had slept with three other girls, and while I was the wait-for-marriage sort I accepted him. I knew it was not my place to judge, and I loved him so much that my deep morals and beliefs on sex did not affect how I felt about him. I admit, we fell into sexual sin ourselves, and while I know our first experiences are tainted due to it being premarital and thus sinful, I loathe to taint it further with analyzing, but I believe I honestly slept with him initially not only because loved him but also because I did not want those girls to have a part of him that I did not.
Stupid and immature, I realize now that I am older and wiser. My husband was/is so reassuring with me, and tells me he did not know what it meant to make love until we came together, and that he felt like a virgin with me. He considers me his very best friend, and as such has made the mistake of being a little too open with me regarding two of his past partners (the third I know nothing about), that left me not feeling reassured but insecure. Not because I believed his words to be false, but because suddenly I was imagining this or that between him and those girls, and comparing myself to them (I'm more curvy vs the more polished pretty stick figure thing those two girls had going for them).
It was a hard battle, but I overcame the insecurity. I understand the place he was at when he made those choices; struggling in his faith, and to fit in. Always moving around as his dad took new calls as a minister, thus always being the new kid who had to prove himself. He admitted when I broached the topic of not feeling like "his type" (regarding the whole more curvy thing) that I was exactly his type, that he had been in it for the chase and going for the girls that in his old circle has been the most sought after (i.e. getting the girls the other guys wanted) when he had been with those girls. He hadn't even found his first girlfriend all that attractive. He regrets how shallow he was then.
We are working to strengthen our relationship with God, so I have been reading a lot more in the Bible and also reading a lot more Christian literature. It has been wonderful for us, but also hurtful for me. I am having all my previous beliefs about sex (a sacred bond meant only for husband and wife, a covenant not to be entered into lightly, and so forth) come to the surface, and I also have this deep hurt that I waited for him but he didn't wait for me. He doesn't have the "excuse" of not knowing better. He was a Christian, grew up in church since his family is deeply religious and his dad is a minister. It now bothers me that he doesn't seem to hold sex in the same light I do (although he was never casual about it, he was in a relationship with his past partners when he slept with them). He doesn't seem to think our bond is any less special because of his past, and he has said that what he has with me is completely new to him, and that he loves me so much and was so desperate for love in his younger years that he sought it from the wrong places--those girls.
I believe him, but I also believe in what God designed sex to be. I thought that his past was just that, the past, but I feel like it's not, almost like it (or rather those girls) are standing between us and the bond God wanted us to have. Not the one we do. I don't know how to talk to him about this because I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to make problems in our marriage when we are so happy. But when I fall into this mindset, this insecurity, or whatever I am not happy. I don't want to make him feel like I don't accept him. I love him, but I am deeply hurt by this, and I feel like it's my fault. I should have known how ingrained this was in me. It's not my place to forgive what God has already forgiven. I would rather suffer with this than hurt him...so I am trying to overcome this. For him the past is the past, and he's caught onto my being upset since last night and wanted to know what is wrong, so he can fix it. How can he fix the past?
What are your opinions on sex, past partners, and so forth? I suppose I am seeking comfort, advice, anything :\
P.S. Then I have also thought about people who have been married more than once due to biblical divorce or death of a spouse, and I think maybe his past doesn't really affect the bond God wanted us to have because are we to think that people who have been married more than once, and thus have had more than one sexual partner, have a diminished sexual bond, intimacy, relationship with their new spouse? Not that the girls my husband has slept with could be considered on the same plane as a spouse, but I am sure you all get what I am saying.