Author Topic: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)  (Read 15602 times)

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Offline Zarina

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Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« on: April 29, 2011, 09:07:02 AM »
My husband and I truly have found a rare kind of love, and have a wonderful marriage. I knew from the start that he had slept with three other girls, and while I was the wait-for-marriage sort I accepted him. I knew it was not my place to judge, and I loved him so much that my deep morals and beliefs on sex did not affect how I felt about him. I admit, we fell into sexual sin ourselves, and while I know our first experiences are tainted due to it being premarital and thus sinful, I loathe to taint it further with analyzing, but I believe I honestly slept with him initially not only because loved him but also because I did not want those girls to have a part of him that I did not.

Stupid and immature, I realize now that I am older and wiser. My husband was/is so reassuring with me, and tells me he did not know what it meant to make love until we came together, and that he felt like a virgin with me. He considers me his very best friend, and as such has made the mistake of being a little too open with me regarding two of his past partners (the third I know nothing about), that left me not feeling reassured but insecure. Not because I believed his words to be false, but because suddenly I was imagining this or that between him and those girls, and comparing myself to them (I'm more curvy vs the more polished pretty stick figure thing those two girls had going for them).

It was a hard battle, but I overcame the insecurity. I understand the place he was at when he made those choices; struggling in his faith, and to fit in. Always moving around as his dad took new calls as a minister, thus always being the new kid who had to prove himself. He admitted when I broached the topic of not feeling like "his type" (regarding the whole more curvy thing) that I was exactly his type, that he had been in it for the chase and going for the girls that in his old circle has been the most sought after (i.e. getting the girls the other guys wanted) when he had been with those girls. He hadn't even found his first girlfriend all that attractive. He regrets how shallow he was then.

We are working to strengthen our relationship with God, so I have been reading a lot more in the Bible and also reading a lot more Christian literature. It has been wonderful for us, but also hurtful for me. I am having all my previous beliefs about sex (a sacred bond meant only for husband and wife, a covenant not to be entered into lightly, and so forth) come to the surface, and I also have this deep hurt that I waited for him but he didn't wait for me. He doesn't have the "excuse" of not knowing better. He was a Christian, grew up in church since his family is deeply religious and his dad is a minister. It now bothers me that he doesn't seem to hold sex in the same light I do (although he was never casual about it, he was in a relationship with his past partners when he slept with them). He doesn't seem to think our bond is any less special because of his past, and he has said that what he has with me is completely new to him, and that he loves me so much and was so desperate for love in his younger years that he sought it from the wrong places--those girls.

I believe him, but I also believe in what God designed sex to be. I thought that his past was just that, the past, but I feel like it's not, almost like it (or rather those girls) are standing between us and the bond God wanted us to have. Not the one we do. I don't know how to talk to him about this because I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to make problems in our marriage when we are so happy. But when I fall into this mindset, this insecurity, or whatever I am not happy. I don't want to make him feel like I don't accept him. I love him, but I am deeply hurt by this, and I feel like it's my fault. I should have known how ingrained this was in me. It's not my place to forgive what God has already forgiven. I would rather suffer with this than hurt him...so I am trying to overcome this. For him the past is the past, and he's caught onto my being upset since last night and wanted to know what is wrong, so he can fix it. How can he fix the past?

What are your opinions on sex, past partners, and so forth? I suppose I am seeking comfort, advice, anything :\

P.S. Then I have also thought about people who have been married more than once due to biblical divorce or death of a spouse, and I think maybe his past doesn't really affect the bond God wanted us to have because are we to think that people who have been married more than once, and thus have had more than one sexual partner, have a diminished sexual bond, intimacy, relationship with their new spouse? Not that the girls my husband has slept with could be considered on the same plane as a spouse, but I am sure you all get what I am saying.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2011, 09:31:10 AM by Zarina »

Offline Debrah

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2011, 08:52:38 PM »
hi Zarina, seems to me you have a great man, focus on his positives and do not focus on his past mistakes.

God has a great future planed for the both of you, but you will not be able to fully enter into it if you don't break free from the past. God wants you to leave the past behind you and focus on your future together. God sets us free from our past sins, try to see your husband as God seems Him, forgiven, and a man trying to move forward.

God bless

Offline EJ

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2011, 04:47:45 PM »
Only you can let go of your husband's sexual past.  What matter is it?  It's gone.  Overwith, period.  Sure you can let his premarital sexual intercouurse come to mind, stress over it....such can come so easily to our minds, haunt us, but why?  What benefit is there in letting those thoughts take a hold of us?  What matter if his sexual experiences were whoopy-do at the time back then.  They can't have been more satisfying to him than what he feels in making love to you, his wife whom he has CHOSEN as the woman he wants and needs.   

If for no other reason, don't let Satan get his jollies over you having doubt over your husband's desire for you....you are a child of GOD!, perfect in every way. 

Your husband being open with you about his past he did perhaps to be honest with you, I don't know.  Be proud you waited to have sexual intercourse with your husband, even though he did not wait to be marrried.  That's his cross, forgive him.  We all have commited sins over which we sorrow.  Thank God He forgives us.
 
Again, know that you have favor in God's sight.

God bless.
 ::prayinghard::
           

Offline Nathanael

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #3 on: May 02, 2011, 07:57:58 AM »
Excuse my post here...I am out of bounds, but wanted to respond. Hi Zarina, I can relate to your confusion and hurt. I struggle with thoughts about this area. I am seperated 2 1/2 years and had to accept my ex-wife had abandoned all thoughts of reconciliation, my divorce is alomost complete.

I have been seeing a lovely and caring woman for almost six months. I recently found out that this very special person I am dating very seriously (marriage is being planned and we are very happy together) has had at least two relationships with men in the last 3 years. Both involved sexual intimacy even though she is a christian with a genuine love of God. Its very like the background of your husband. She was very lost after her own divorce and sought comfort, she wanted what we all need, to be loved and valued, especially after the pain of how her marriage was. Just like your husband, she assures me that nothing she has shared with anyone else means anything like the close bond she feels with me and the depth of love we share.

But..! I was hit quite hard when I found out about these two men. I was disappointed that any future sexual intimacy we share in marriage is never going to be 'territory' that belongs to me alone. I accept of course her married past, but the fact that she has given herself to guys who were not committed to her in marriage...its like a cheapening of that which you eloquently described as a deep part of that unique sacred bond. Sexual intimacy is the expression of a very deep and personal bond, that is Gods design. When our spouse has given so intimately of themselves to another on a casual basis (outside of marriage it is casual, even if a long period of dating) it jars with our spirit and our soul pretty badly. The more emotionally sensitive we are and the more reverance we have about the nature and purpose of sex the worse that jarring is. People feel its impact to a greater or lesser degree.

So what do we do about it ? In my case I have to work through this issue emotionally and decide if I can trust her to be totally devoted to me alone for the rest of her life and that I can accept her past. I can either do that, or call it a day and seek out someone who has not comitted fornication, or be alone all my days and give up on marriage. For you, well you already married him and so you now need to come to terms with marrying someone with this past. Its emotional impact is real and one of the things God wants to protect us from, hence the strict design for sex within marriage to one person for life. This fallen world throws all kinds of things at us, including your situation.

Take on board the things your husband has said in regard to his regrets and his love for you. Remember that when he broke the promise to wait for you he did not know the wonderful love you share existed. Remember that since he met you he built a solid brick wall around your special bond, to the exclusion of all others. Let that be your inspiration, and throw its light on those shadows of the past that try to plague your precious togetherness.

I am trying to take on all that my girlfriend has said in relation to this, her regret and wishes to change her past if she could, and also the reality of Gods grace. She needs that, and so do I, so does your husband and yourself. We all fail, if not in the area of sex then its something else. We MUST be big on grace and small on condemnation, as you so rightly recognise.

However, that does not fully cover the emotional fallout of marrying someone with a past.

Offline EJ

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2011, 12:12:46 PM »
If there is no thoroughly letting go of someone's past (repented of) fornication, there can be no becoming truely one with him/her.  In could even be that the one not letting go is that they are allowing their injured ego/pride that they won't be the 'first' & only one to get in the way.

Not letting go may also be felt by the ex-fornicator and cause them to be unable to freely respond sexually when married to the one who can't see the ex-fornicater as being made clean and new, by God's forgiveness. 

 
 
 
 
 

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2011, 12:12:46 PM »



Offline chosenone

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2011, 02:21:39 AM »
zarina
I am one of those you mentioned at the end of your post who is married to a man who was married before, as was I. We both had long first marriages(23 and 25 years) and I admit that I did initially struggle with the fact that he had had sex many many times with his first wife(especially as she is thin like a skeleton, and I am average size), even though he had never had sex outside marriage. It took time but now we have been married for 6 years this year, I rarely even think about it.

If he had slept with women he hadn't been married, to I am sure I too would have struggled, but as in your case, my husband and I have something that neither of us had before. Our marriage is so happy and blessed, and we have both come alive since we met.

The past is in the past and as long as he has totally repented to God and you, then do try not to think about it. Also that you have both repented for the sex before marriage, because if you think about it honestly,YOU did exactly the same as HE did with the other women, with HIM, so you cant really judge him in that way. After all, if you had broken up with him for whatever reason, you wouldn't have been a virgin for the man you eventually married.


In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

It is by Grace we have been saved though Faith and not by works so that no one can boast.

Offline HannahT

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2011, 06:07:17 AM »
Zarina:

What I would love for you to do first is THANK the Lord for this rare and wonderful marriage you have!  This is truly a gift, and keep in mind that it takes two humans that work at this to make it so.  God would be in the center of that relationship as you know as well.

You have someone that loves you, and is dedicated to you alone.  We humans always fall short, and being a pastor's kid doesn't change that fact.  Most of the time?  We know better, and we go there anyway.  True?!

Dear Heart - it sounds like he has settled this with God.  God has wiped his slate clean in this area, and he has turned his life around.  God gave him a very special 'apple of his eye' which is you. You could have been his reward after he truly - in his heart - repented of his sin, asked for forgiveness, and turned from his sin to walk as God would have him walk.

Please don't compare yourself to him this way.  Its okay I guess to have a small sense of regret, and no doubt he has it as well.  Don't let that regret ruin what you have.  Remember Satan loves to take those weak spots, and make them look BIGGER than they are.  He has field day with this type of thing.


In your youth - and in this area - you had a stronger will.  You need to concentrate on WHO this man is today.  Don't listen to lies about how he doesn't measure up due to things that happened when he was young and immature. 

Your bond is very special right now, and its more important that you realize this - first and foremost - and fight to keep it that way.  His past shouldn't be allowed to tear at this - ask the Lord for strength.  You know he wouldn't wish this either.  Tell Satan to get OUT of your head!

All of us have made mistakes, and none of us are perfect.  We are humans here!  lol!  Don't give those women of the past you place on his pedestal he has reserved ONLY for you!  Honor the man you married, and the man he is today.

God may be watching to see your test of strength and faith.  He maybe waiting for you to ask him - to show you - how to leave this in the past.  Remember Cain and Abel?  Sin was waiting at the door, and wanting own take over the brother.  God told him to FIGHT IT, and he failed.  He gave in to the sin, and allowed his hate to take over and killed his brother.  Don't allow his past to take over, and ruin what you have.

God has blessed you with your relationship, and he wishes you to enjoy it.  He gave you a life partner to deal with life's ups and downs.

No.  He can't fix the past.  He can have a partner that accepts him as he is today - warts and all - and loves him despite them.  We all have sin after all.  Don't allow Satan to tell you to use his sin as some measure stick to minimize the pure gift of love you both have.

Believe me - one of these days?  This will be the least of your worries!  Now go and lay a big kiss on him, and give him a big HUGGER as well!  I mean you do love that Gift that God has given you!  REMIND the both of you right NOW!

Offline Zarina

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2011, 10:12:36 AM »
Thank you all for your kind words, sharing of experiences, and support :) After posting this, I did manage to talk some to my husband and it was very healing and refreshing. I feel much more secure, and now have it all straightened out. Such as the fact I thought I didn't know about his first (I attributed that story to the second since he never mentioned her by name). I realized then that I was letting the mystery and confusion of it be prey to my imagination. When all the answers were had, it was like the insecurity vanished. I may have future bouts, but I feel so relieved right now, and am putting it to God. I feared above all else during these insecure times that I would destroy what we have, which is truly such a rare and beautiful thing--we have people tell us they are happy for us, some even that they envy us, because they see it for themselves. I knew my resentment and insecurity could be more damaging than his past, and I am so thankful that I have a handle on it. I realized that they have nothing, they have taken nothing from me. They had a piece of him while I got the best of him.

Offline zonarayne4christ

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2011, 03:08:54 PM »
I agree with this. Focus on your new lives together in the NOW and leave the past to God.

Offline aelk1986

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2011, 09:29:54 PM »
Some of us are married to non-Christians who became Christians. I can tell you right now that my Husband had MANY partners in his life. How have I handled it????  This is my second marriage and my sex life is Soooooooooo much better than my first one. I can tell you one thing, guys do like curvy girls way more than stick girls!!!  Your husband is not lying to you at all.  The sex he is having with you is the best sex he ever has had because when he is done and is hugging you up he is not lying there feeling guilty for commiting fornication like he always did each and every time he had sex with the other women.  He also has ask God to forgive him of his sin and take away the feeling that went with those experiences so they would not enter into his marriage.
Now it is your turn to forgive and forget.  It is your turn to ask God to take all of the images and feelings from your mind and ask God to forgive you for not loving your husband unconditionally.  You need to stop dwelling on all of this because this is just Satan trying to put a wedge between you and your husband.  When you married him you accepted him as he was and should have forgiven him already, push all of this aside and learn to love him fully again.
Live, Love, Laugh, each and every day- Praise the Lord!! :-)  Psalm 63:3-4 "Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; I will lift up my hands and call on your name."

Offline 1wayforme

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2011, 01:28:48 AM »
Remember something else, men are visual and women are emotional. And God designed us that way for His purposes. We hold onto more and FEEL more deeply than most men do. A great book to read and think about is called "Laugh your way to a better marriage". It has awesome insights into the male mind and very helpful information.

Offline Bitter Sweet

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #11 on: July 20, 2011, 05:34:49 AM »
Dear Zarina, I know what your husband means when he says he felt like a virgin when he came to be with you. My husband was conceived on my first birthday and he was born 9 months later, he was my first love. I left him and became a prostitute, I was with thousands of men for many years, I just wanted someone to love me. I gave more to those men than they ever could give to me.

I met my husband online, I told him about my past and how I stopped being a prostitute over a year before we met. We married the same week we met in person. He never once brought up my past against me, he was with a prostitute one time too. He is in essence my savior, it was for him that I quit a year before we met, I was searching for God and found him. I wished I had only been with him, in my heart we were always together.

We were married for 6 years and we recently divorced, not because we wanted to be separated but we wanted to ensure that we would stay together forever. We are together still, in fact our bond is stronger in divorce than it was in marriage.

Matthew 22:30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.
Galatians 4:16 Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?

Offline chosenone

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #12 on: July 27, 2011, 03:13:46 PM »
Dear Zarina, I know what your husband means when he says he felt like a virgin when he came to be with you. My husband was conceived on my first birthday and he was born 9 months later, he was my first love. I left him and became a prostitute, I was with thousands of men for many years, I just wanted someone to love me. I gave more to those men than they ever could give to me.

I met my husband online, I told him about my past and how I stopped being a prostitute over a year before we met. We married the same week we met in person. He never once brought up my past against me, he was with a prostitute one time too. He is in essence my savior, it was for him that I quit a year before we met, I was searching for God and found him. I wished I had only been with him, in my heart we were always together.

We were married for 6 years and we recently divorced, not because we wanted to be separated but we wanted to ensure that we would stay together forever. We are together still, in fact our bond is stronger in divorce than it was in marriage.

Matthew 22:30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.



  This is totally bizarre.
In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

It is by Grace we have been saved though Faith and not by works so that no one can boast.

Offline MrsC

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #13 on: July 27, 2011, 08:08:33 PM »

Quote from: Bitter Sweet on July 20, 2011, 07:34:49 AM
He is in essence my savior, it was for him that I quit a year before we met, I was searching for God and found him.

Bitter Sweet,
Some things that you say I find curious.  How is it that you quit for him a year before you met him?  More importantly, I have to say I am concerned for your salvation.  Do you still see this man as your savior?

Peace and Love
Isaiah 40:31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Wednesday

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Re: Husband's Sexual Past (kinda long)
« Reply #14 on: July 27, 2011, 09:29:46 PM »
Dear Zarina, I know what your husband means when he says he felt like a virgin when he came to be with you. My husband was conceived on my first birthday and he was born 9 months later, he was my first love. I left him and became a prostitute, I was with thousands of men for many years, I just wanted someone to love me. I gave more to those men than they ever could give to me.

I met my husband online, I told him about my past and how I stopped being a prostitute over a year before we met. We married the same week we met in person. He never once brought up my past against me, he was with a prostitute one time too. He is in essence my savior, it was for him that I quit a year before we met, I was searching for God and found him. I wished I had only been with him, in my heart we were always together.

We were married for 6 years and we recently divorced, not because we wanted to be separated but we wanted to ensure that we would stay together forever. We are together still, in fact our bond is stronger in divorce than it was in marriage.

Matthew 22:30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.



  This is totally bizarre.

::lookaround::....um....not really......it happens all the time, it's an American thing, quite natural actually!   ::whistle::