Author Topic: Up close and Personal  (Read 3561 times)

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Offline Maddie

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Up close and Personal
« on: Thu Jan 27, 2011 - 08:37:08 »
For some reason I am thinking about this today...

My history is:

I was molested for several years by oldest brother from appx. age 7-13
Raped by high school student at age 16yrs.
Dated one guy at age 18 for 1 1/2 yrs.  sexually active for 1 yr.
Hospitalized for depression prior to meeting my husband
Married at age 24, to my husband of 18yrs.

Became pregnant on honeymoon, and dealt with a bartholin gland problem for 16 years.  That is where the gland that makes the lubricant for intercourse became blocked, and awfully painful which resulted in incision and drainages, during all three pregnancies, with the last needed 3  i&d while I was pregnant.

After pregnancy, there was always a bulge, but not painful, so I tolerated it.  Just about two years ago, I decided to get it taken care of.  It was one of those things I decided to do to end up with that all my life.

In my 18yrs of marriage I have had one definite vaginal orgasm.  Two maybe within the past 6 yrs that were very faint.  I can orgasm when I dream and it's usually a dream with another woman.  I can through masturbation, or even with toys when I am alone.  I don't own any toys now, and I only masturbate once in a blue moon.  Neither of these work when I am with my husband.

My husband and I enjoy our times together, and we have been pretty satisfied with the frequency in our marriage.  Perhaps 3-4 times a week, with the most totaling 15 times a month.  We do have fun, and I do enjoy my times with him very much.  I have been creative in the bedroom, I find ways to make it fun and different, all good clean fun, and we have tried it in as many different places as possible, in and outside of our bedroom, and in nature.  Yet, I do not orgasm.  Oral does give great pleasure and some orgasm.  I know he finds me attractive, he is always kissing and hugging me.

In the past we both thought that if we tried it with another partner, perhaps it would be different.  He was curious to see if he could make another reach that point, and I curious to see if another can make me reach that point.  Just thoughts nothing we acted on.

Last summer I participated in an adulterous act with long time friend who was living in my house for 5 weeks.  It did not happen the way I thought it would.  He could not maintain an erection, and there was nothing good or fun about it.

Now I know it was wrong, I did it, and I have paid the price for that.  I know that part of the problem was that he talked to me, and was sympathetic towards my situation where my husband works very long hours, travels a lot, and have done so for all of our married life.  A little FYI, I had told my husband about the flirting that was going on between this friend and I, but he went away on his two night camping trip anyway.

My husband forgave me on the spot after I made the confession, and he asked me for his forgiveness for not protecting me.  Our sexual activity only suffered a five day lapse.  Even when I was dealing with the sin, grieving and weeping over it, he would take me in his arms and make love to me.  Now for some reason, perhaps due to stress we are under with our teen son, work, financial struggles, ???? we are now experiencing a very low sex drive and it is averaging about once a week.  Not much kissing and hugging anymore.  I know my husband is not cheating on me, you would have to know him like I do.  Plus he comes home, worn out and dirty and smelly, and I can't imagine him having sex with another in that condition.  I can hear someone laughing at me...

We have always average a date, once every 6 months.  I am in desperate need of some time without the children, but that is not so easy to come by cause of his time restraints.  I am getting to the point where I am becoming so dissatisfied with my life.  I still feel like a failure for not being able to orgasm with my husband, for failing as a mom, and as a wife.

I hate to say it, but I always felt it was sex that was keeping us together.  It was the only good thing in my life.  Even without orgasm.  Now that it is disappearing, I get so frustrated with my husband for not taking time to spend with me. 

I come back to this every so often.  How can I change this situation of no orgasm?  How can I change things so that my husband will devote some time into our relationship, and not into every thing else?  Am I such a failure that he doesn't want to?

He has quit our counseling and I am at a dead end, it was my hope that somehow I might have gotten him to see what is important.  I am so confused about these things in my life.

I think I will need to seek counseling by myself, for myself.  I NEED HELP,  but where in the world can I go for counseling that will be no charge?  My church where we were going, is no charge, but I won't go to my church without him.  I feel like I need another place if I am going by myself.  I don't ever want to talk about these personal things with someone who knows him.  I have always been so afraid of harming him and his image among the people at church.

I don't know if I am making sense.  Everything seems so tangled with each other.  Can someone please give me a word of advice?  I need some encouragement. 

Offline chosenone

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Re: Up close and Personal
« Reply #1 on: Thu Jan 27, 2011 - 12:47:59 »
AS far as I am aware, many women cant have an orgasm though intercourse alone. If you are one of these then use other means with your husband. There are many ways of bring on an orgasm, why does it matter if it isnt through actual intercourse? Dont let it become a big issue. You both need to stop imagining sex with someone else, that is asking for trouble.

Offline fassopony

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Re: Up close and Personal
« Reply #2 on: Thu Jan 27, 2011 - 13:56:18 »
Can you talk to another maybe older woman in your church or group of friends?  I know that sounds silly but they have been there and many are very candid, KWIM?

I am single so currently have no sex life but before being saved, well, I was just like any other heathen female so yes, I have had sex ;)

I don't really feel like I know where the boundaries are in discussing this sort of thing with you so I will keep this really quick and bare bones, okay?  There is a lot more to fun sex than the missionary position, move around, take your time, do what feels good, figure things out for yourselves.  Tell your hubbie just to lay back and let you figure it out?  Great sex doesn't look like the movies, all pretty and posed.

Hope that helped  ::smile::

Offline EJ

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Re: Up close and Personal
« Reply #3 on: Thu Jan 27, 2011 - 16:48:09 »
Perhaps the sexual molestation you were put through has festered within you subconsciously all these years causing you to subconsciously feel sexual intercourse is wrong, therefore, to have pleasure from it is subconsciously a no-no, and so prevents orgasm.  Dreams of orgasm come about innocently--no conscious/awake act of sexual intercourse, so no shame, or guilt, for having had an orgasm.

Marriage takes away the 'wrongness', but does not heal the subconscious effect on you from the molestation.

I don't know, but psychiactric therapy might help you with this.  And in turn help your husband and marriage.

God bless.   ::smile::

Offline Maddie

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Re: Up close and Personal
« Reply #4 on: Thu Jan 27, 2011 - 21:28:31 »
I would think it has affected me, sometimes I have flashbacks.  Not frequently though.

There was a time when I would fret over this orgasm thing so badly.  I wanted to have one as a gift to my husband.  Really not for me.  I enjoy our times together, but I used to worry that he didn't feel adequate because he felt he couldn't help me to accomplish this.  I always told him, that it wasn't him.

We don't fantasize about other partners, but once we did talk about it.

I did say that we are creative in the bedroom and outside the bedroom.  I did learn that from a radio program I heard many years ago.  My husband still remembers what I did that night to make it special.  We don't prefer toys, and we don't watch adult movies.  We just have a great time, just the two of us.

I think a lot of times he wants to know if I had an "o" we call it, but the answer is usually no.  I think he is secretly disappointed.  If I could only do this for him.  Sometimes it feels as if that special something is missing. 

I've made a lot of progress over the years.  It may not sound like it, but I have.  There are things that I have done intentionally to get over some inhibition in the area of sex.  Getting the bartholin gland taken care of was a big step to do something for myself.  I do regret taking so long to have the surgery, but I am happy now that I did.

I love my husband, God sent him to me, when I needed to be loved the most in my life, he came along and did just that.