For some reason I am thinking about this today...
My history is:
I was molested for several years by oldest brother from appx. age 7-13
Raped by high school student at age 16yrs.
Dated one guy at age 18 for 1 1/2 yrs. sexually active for 1 yr.
Hospitalized for depression prior to meeting my husband
Married at age 24, to my husband of 18yrs.
Became pregnant on honeymoon, and dealt with a bartholin gland problem for 16 years. That is where the gland that makes the lubricant for intercourse became blocked, and awfully painful which resulted in incision and drainages, during all three pregnancies, with the last needed 3 i&d while I was pregnant.
After pregnancy, there was always a bulge, but not painful, so I tolerated it. Just about two years ago, I decided to get it taken care of. It was one of those things I decided to do to end up with that all my life.
In my 18yrs of marriage I have had one definite vaginal orgasm. Two maybe within the past 6 yrs that were very faint. I can orgasm when I dream and it's usually a dream with another woman. I can through masturbation, or even with toys when I am alone. I don't own any toys now, and I only masturbate once in a blue moon. Neither of these work when I am with my husband.
My husband and I enjoy our times together, and we have been pretty satisfied with the frequency in our marriage. Perhaps 3-4 times a week, with the most totaling 15 times a month. We do have fun, and I do enjoy my times with him very much. I have been creative in the bedroom, I find ways to make it fun and different, all good clean fun, and we have tried it in as many different places as possible, in and outside of our bedroom, and in nature. Yet, I do not orgasm. Oral does give great pleasure and some orgasm. I know he finds me attractive, he is always kissing and hugging me.
In the past we both thought that if we tried it with another partner, perhaps it would be different. He was curious to see if he could make another reach that point, and I curious to see if another can make me reach that point. Just thoughts nothing we acted on.
Last summer I participated in an adulterous act with long time friend who was living in my house for 5 weeks. It did not happen the way I thought it would. He could not maintain an erection, and there was nothing good or fun about it.
Now I know it was wrong, I did it, and I have paid the price for that. I know that part of the problem was that he talked to me, and was sympathetic towards my situation where my husband works very long hours, travels a lot, and have done so for all of our married life. A little FYI, I had told my husband about the flirting that was going on between this friend and I, but he went away on his two night camping trip anyway.
My husband forgave me on the spot after I made the confession, and he asked me for his forgiveness for not protecting me. Our sexual activity only suffered a five day lapse. Even when I was dealing with the sin, grieving and weeping over it, he would take me in his arms and make love to me. Now for some reason, perhaps due to stress we are under with our teen son, work, financial struggles,
? we are now experiencing a very low sex drive and it is averaging about once a week. Not much kissing and hugging anymore. I know my husband is not cheating on me, you would have to know him like I do. Plus he comes home, worn out and dirty and smelly, and I can't imagine him having sex with another in that condition. I can hear someone laughing at me...
We have always average a date, once every 6 months. I am in desperate need of some time without the children, but that is not so easy to come by cause of his time restraints. I am getting to the point where I am becoming so dissatisfied with my life. I still feel like a failure for not being able to orgasm with my husband, for failing as a mom, and as a wife.
I hate to say it, but I always felt it was sex that was keeping us together. It was the only good thing in my life. Even without orgasm. Now that it is disappearing, I get so frustrated with my husband for not taking time to spend with me.
I come back to this every so often. How can I change this situation of no orgasm? How can I change things so that my husband will devote some time into our relationship, and not into every thing else? Am I such a failure that he doesn't want to?
He has quit our counseling and I am at a dead end, it was my hope that somehow I might have gotten him to see what is important. I am so confused about these things in my life.
I think I will need to seek counseling by myself, for myself. I NEED HELP, but where in the world can I go for counseling that will be no charge? My church where we were going, is no charge, but I won't go to my church without him. I feel like I need another place if I am going by myself. I don't ever want to talk about these personal things with someone who knows him. I have always been so afraid of harming him and his image among the people at church.
I don't know if I am making sense. Everything seems so tangled with each other. Can someone please give me a word of advice? I need some encouragement.