Author Topic: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix  (Read 7372 times)

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Offline Thepast2

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sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« on: June 28, 2011, 11:21:49 AM »
Let me preface by saying that I truly love God and so does my fiance.  Our relationship was founded on our common faith and has been what has sustained us til now. We got engaged a couple of months agoand i can honestly say that I know that God brought us together and that he is the guy God handpicked for me.  I prayed for years (as did he) and I've finally found him. 

I know that sex before marriage is wrong. I truly believed in waiting til marriage....my fiance and I were both virgins, until we had sex the other day.  It wasn't planned or premeditated and up until then we had specific boundaries that we didnt want to cross and we followed them.  THe thing is, we are currently long distance due to some cirumstances outside of our control and idk what, but apparently the not seeing eachother for a long time really ignited something in both of us. And the night we finally saw eachother, it just happened and neither of us did anything to stop it. 

I am a very sexual person.  I've known that since I was probably 11 or so, and actually struggled with pornography through middle shcool, but thankfully have not dealt with that issue in over 10 years thank God, but its still a struggle sometimes to keep my mind pure. 

But now I'm just not sure how to keep ourselves from letting it happen again.  I've heard that once you do it once, it's very difficult to not do it again, and our wedding isn't until next May, unfortunately.  We both regret what happened, but honestly, my mind keeps going back to it, and I am just trying to find ways to get back to another state of mind. 

I know that God forgives, but it still hurts so much that I broke a promise to myself and God, something that I really wanted to keep until marriage. 

Offline chosenone

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2011, 03:24:32 PM »
The way you can make sure this never happens again, is to never to spend any time alone together,  except in a public place. So don't go to each others homes unless there are other people there, and if there aren't, then always see each other outside.  I know it is hard, my son recently got married and he is 33, and they were together for 2 1/2 years and engaged for 16 months before they were able to marry.He said it was very hard at times. My daughter is also like you, engaged, and not getting married till next April, the same thing.
 I don't see why it will be harder now, because you are now aware of the dangers,and can avoid doing the same thing again.
Also stay away from any sort of sexual touching at all till marriage. Just stick to holding hands or maybe a kiss, but stop there.
In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

It is by Grace we have been saved though Faith and not by works so that no one can boast.

Offline EJ

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #2 on: June 30, 2011, 02:04:39 PM »
Pray to God(I AM) for forgiveness through Christ Jesus, forgive yourself and your fiance through Christ Jesus, and follow closenone's advice.   ::hug::

Offline Supplanter

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2011, 08:26:03 AM »
I'm sorry but I think it is necessary for an engaged couple to spend time alone together and they are adults, not teenagers. They need to be able to work on their relationship and address issues that others don't necessarily need to be privy to.

You are in love, getting married, and it is natural and good to have a sexual desire for this person. My advice, scale down the wedding, and go ahead and get married. I think it is biblically advised that if you can't control your passions then the solution is indeed to get married to the one you are promised to. 

Apart from that, if you don't want it to happen again then you need to delve deeper to the root of the issue with God. Sin starts in the mind, so it isn't about the rules and regulations we subject ourselves to to try and prevent it. Human rules for restraining sensual desire are ineffective, so you have to let God transform from the inside out.

And definitely don't dwell on guilt over it. After all, you are going to marry this man and I think you will find that in the grand scheme of things, if you forgive yourselves and each other that you will go on to have a happy, God-centered marriage. However, guilt can easily rip apart a relationship as it also involves eventually resenting the other person.   
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Offline chosenone

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2011, 10:32:56 AM »
You can be alone together without being 'alone together', if you see what I mean. This person was asking how they can avoid having sex again, so meeting together in public places, and going out for dates instead of staying in, seems sensible.There are so many places to go together where you can talk and have privacy, but wont be tempted sexually because there are people around.
In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

It is by Grace we have been saved though Faith and not by works so that no one can boast.

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2011, 10:32:56 AM »



Offline V65Magna1

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2011, 10:15:53 AM »
What is keeping you from being married right now. It is obvious that God never intended us to be able to resist the one we love for very long. That is the way human sexuality is. If you are waiting for the public wedding, you can still get married legally at the courthouse and Christ does honor that marriage. I would suggest that you are both wasting time that you could be together in a married relationship. If you both believe that Jesus Christ would be pleased with your marriage, then, by all means, get married now. The marriage bed is undefiled in all, period. Stop torturing yourself, and don't think you would be more spiritual or pleasing in God's sight if you had the ability to resist one another. That's pure foolishness. Why are you waiting anyway?

Offline V65Magna1

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2011, 11:01:13 AM »
I would like to add some comments in defense of my last post. Although I have not changed my opinion about your question, I do not want it to be ONLY my opinion. I began to think of the Apostle Paul's writing on this subject. If I were you I would think about taking his advice, for he said, "I think also that I have the Spirit of God". 1 Cor. 7:40
 1 Cor. 7 states, " Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.   
 2 Nevertheless to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
7 For I would that all men were even as I myself am. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one in this manner and another in that.   
 8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I.   
 9 But if they cannot contain themselves, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn."

It is pretty obvious that you do not have the gift Paul mentions here and you have also already made a commitment to one another to get married. Paul's advice here is clear to you both; "9 But if they cannot contain themselves, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn."
 You have not mentioned why you are not getting married. I would say that if it is for others, that is the wrong reason. YOU will choose your partner and when it is expedient for you to be married. Gen. 2   24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh."



happypromises

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #7 on: April 10, 2012, 11:49:41 AM »
I don't see why they should move their marriage forward - why not learn the art of self control and then  continue to enjoy looking forward to the 'big day', which is next month?!!   There's nothing wrong with wanting your fiancee and positively looking forward to your wedding night, enjoy and savour it....just keep yer hands off!   ::smile::

Just keep telling yourself that you will wreck that wedding night if you indulge again....it'll feel samey and wrong! And then do your best to commit it to God!   Hang in there!  You can do it! 

Offline IamStefanie

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2012, 09:14:02 PM »
I agree with Supplanter on this one. Well, this post is almost a year old and May 2012 is right around the corner, so I wonder what this couple is up to. But just for conversational purposes, I don't see why this in love couple would wait almost a year later to get married after they have already engaged in sex. HOWEVER, if this couple really does not WANT to have any more sex and wanted to wait until the next year to marry, then chosenone's advice seems the most sensible. If I have had pre-marital sex with the person who I am in love with, yet, I don't want to do it anymore until my wedding which is not until the NEXT year, then being around him alone and in an intimate setting will not help me keep my goal....but again, my first thought would be, lets just get married now since that is what we are doing anyway....

Offline Absolom

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #9 on: April 23, 2012, 10:28:24 PM »
Forgive yourself, for one. You are human. You did a human thing with someone you wanted to do it with, and holding yourself hostage with idealisms that almost no one in the religion itself follows will only serve to further erode your confidence. What does the legal contract of marriage have to do with anything if God himself is the one who picked this person to be with you? If that is your belief then you have always been married to this person and always will be. If that is your belief then no man-made tradition can get in the way of that nor should societal attitudes of people who ARE NOT YOU matter in any shape fashion or form when it comes to what you do with your soul-mate. Having sex is following a biological urge - something that the good lord himself programmed deep into the consciousness of nearly every living thing.

Offline chosenone

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #10 on: April 24, 2012, 08:43:22 PM »
Forgive yourself, for one. You are human. You did a human thing with someone you wanted to do it with, and holding yourself hostage with idealisms that almost no one in the religion itself follows will only serve to further erode your confidence. What does the legal contract of marriage have to do with anything if God himself is the one who picked this person to be with you? If that is your belief then you have always been married to this person and always will be. If that is your belief then no man-made tradition can get in the way of that nor should societal attitudes of people who ARE NOT YOU matter in any shape fashion or form when it comes to what you do with your soul-mate. Having sex is following a biological urge - something that the good lord himself programmed deep into the consciousness of nearly every living thing.


 However he clearly puts a fence round sex and says that it is for marriage only. Also you are very mistaken when you say that almost no one who is a Christian follows this teaching. Not sure where you get this from, but I know countless couples, many of them young couples, who waited till marriage for sex. Its what God wants whether we do what he wants or not.
In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

It is by Grace we have been saved though Faith and not by works so that no one can boast.

Offline Lavender

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2012, 01:06:05 AM »
Hello, Absolom  -    Are you male or female?    ???
You teach others how to treat you by what you tolerate.

                                         <:))))><

Offline chosenone

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #12 on: April 25, 2012, 01:43:32 AM »
Hello, Absolom  -    Are you male or female?    ???
 
Good point lavender. After all, wasnt he the guy that raped his sister?

Also do you believe that we are to live following the Bibles teaching?
« Last Edit: April 25, 2012, 01:53:31 AM by chosenone »
In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

It is by Grace we have been saved though Faith and not by works so that no one can boast.

Offline Lavender

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #13 on: April 25, 2012, 11:32:47 PM »
Hello, Absolom  -    Are you male or female?    ???
 
Good point lavender. After all, wasnt he the guy that raped his sister?

Also do you believe that we are to live following the Bibles teaching?


Well, this is the womens forum and that name, Absolom, is a male name, yes?
You teach others how to treat you by what you tolerate.

                                         <:))))><

Offline MeMyself

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Re: sexual mistakes with fiance...how to fix
« Reply #14 on: April 26, 2012, 07:13:43 AM »
Forgive yourself, for one. You are human. You did a human thing with someone you wanted to do it with, and holding yourself hostage with idealisms that almost no one in the religion itself follows will only serve to further erode your confidence. What does the legal contract of marriage have to do with anything if God himself is the one who picked this person to be with you? If that is your belief then you have always been married to this person and always will be. If that is your belief then no man-made tradition can get in the way of that nor should societal attitudes of people who ARE NOT YOU matter in any shape fashion or form when it comes to what you do with your soul-mate. Having sex is following a biological urge - something that the good lord himself programmed deep into the consciousness of nearly every living thing.


 However he clearly puts a fence round sex and says that it is for marriage only.

 ::amen!:: and to add, Absolom there are many that honor God's wish and kept sex within the boundaries of marriage, but even if there are some who don't (even MANY who don't) WHO CARES???  Just because man doesn't act in holy obedient ways doesn't mean God's ways should be dismissed!  GOD has boundaries and guidelines He wants us to follow for our own GOOD!
~Rest is a weapon given to us by God through Jesus finished work at the cross.  The enemy hates it, because he wants you stressed and occupied.~
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