Author Topic: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!  (Read 5065 times)

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Offline NannyGoat

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Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« on: Sun May 06, 2012 - 12:29:07 »
There is a "Celebrate Recovery" for those who have embraced and gotten help for their addictions, but there is no place for the rejected and devastated wives to gather and comfort each other.  Perhaps it's the shame?  Either way, that is how I find myself here...

I have been married 16 years now to a man who has only been wonderful when he has been caught.  He has never willingly confessed anything to me.  He is a liar.  I have had to discover every hurtful detail of his betrayal.  It started with pornographic magazines.  When I told him that wasn't going to be acceptable, he just hid them and I would find them.  He has ordered pornographic movies and when that didn't work, he then graduated to online porn; which I also discovered.  When I told him that wasn't going to be okay either, he just hid it more.  I have found emails where he tells strangers to meet him at bars and what he will be wearing and "If she likes what she sees" then to approach him.  But, of course, he says he had no intention to meet that person-probably just more lies I accepted to make this marriage work.  That was 11 years into a very rocky marriage.  He told me he found God and everything would be different.  I believed him.

Our marriage has been very rocky ever since.  Five years later, we have been to counseling many times, but like I tell him, counseling only works if you put their advice into practice.  Yes, you should communicate with your spouse, but if you choose to never do that, what good is counseling?  He separates himself from me.  He does not give his heart to me.  He holds me at arms length; never letting me in to his heart.  Eventually, our sexual relationship all but died.  He says he's just getting old.  He's only 40!!!  I get suspicious.  Internet history is clear.  My lying spouse has gotten savvy.  I change computer parameters, still clean.  He's become VERY savvy. 

One miraculous day he accidentally prints the screen he is on and by some other miracle my brother happens to be visiting and finds the printout and hides it to give to me.  What I find is more devastating than the last.  He has graduated to web cam sex.  He is now pleasuring himself while watching live people online either pleasure themselves or couples that are actually having sex.  All while I'm down the hall wondering why my husband never tries to have sex with me.  When confronted, he tried to lie.  I've already been down this road and I have learned to be savvy too.  He confesses, it's been going on for the last year and a half.  Surprise!!!

I am crushed, devastated, hurt, broken hearted, angry, resentful, and feel like I could bleed hate.  So many very unGodly emotions!  I am starting to hate myself now because I am so out of sync with God's will for me to love and forgive.  It's only been 4 weeks, but I have no idea what I am supposed to do.  What am I supposed to feel?  How can I forgive when I haven't even stopped crying!?!?!  I can't even embrace what I really feel because I'm busy trying to raise three kids and a full time job!  But don't worry, he's REALLY found God this time so it's all going to be okay!  Just ask my husband! He tells me God wants us together!  And to me, all I can think is, then God must hate me because why does God want me to be so hurt and betrayed???

Please, somebody help me!!  This pain is so unbearable!!!  My husband wants to talk recovery and restoration and I can't even be in the same room with him without feeling like my heart has been ripped from my chest!!!!!!

Offline chosenone

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #1 on: Sun May 06, 2012 - 13:54:04 »
Nanny goat
I feel for you in your pain. If I were you I would separate and give yourself time to think and pray about what to do. Maybe give yourself a time, say 6 months, and get help for yourself. Ask him to leave, because you have the children. The thing is that he is always sorry when you find out, but the rest of the time he does it and lies and hides and deceives. You cant carry on living like this.
Only God knows if he will ever stop and that's why you need His clear guidance. Don't even think of forgiving at this time, that can come later. Your hurt is far too raw and new.  You need time to recover and think clearly about your future. He has no right to expect anything of you at this time, he has blown it time and time again and has destroyed your trust.
The word that is given as a reason for divorce is ''pornea', which means different types of sexual immorality. If these latest sexual sins arent sexual immorality I don't know what is. Not saying that you should divorce, but it is one option that you need to think and pray about after 16 years of betrayal. Many men don't stop until their think they will loose their family. Maybe he will actually stop this time if you act on this and stop enabling it.

Offline lover.like.You

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #2 on: Sun May 06, 2012 - 15:22:12 »
Yur not the only one. This sounds kind of outrageous but at this point, a good separation may give him a kick in the butt. does he know that you know? If so have you talked to him bout counseling?

Offline NannyGoat

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #3 on: Sun May 06, 2012 - 18:42:25 »
We have separated. I asked him to leave after finding the webcam porn. We have talked about it and He is getting counseling, joined a church group, and is doing all the reading. Everything he should have done the last time. I am glad he's getting help but like chosenone said, I need to stop enabling his behavior by repeatedly letting him back into the relationship undeserved.  I like the six months to heal. I have a hard time allowing myself that freedom, but I need the time to think honestly about my real needs-not what he tells me I need. He is still telling me what I need to do to heal! Half the time I know he's right but want to reject it simply because it came from him!! Not good, I know.   ::doh::

I start counseling this week, but it is with his counselor; who is awesome but I'm not sure if his approach will be my needs or trying to get me to understand my hubby. Most resources are aimed at understanding why men do what they do. I understand why, I have walked this journey for YEARS!!! I am ready to understand and help ME! Selfish though that may be, somebody has to start caring about ME!!

Offline lover.like.You

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #4 on: Sun May 06, 2012 - 19:51:29 »
Wish it was that easy for me . Got young very young kids.

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #4 on: Sun May 06, 2012 - 19:51:29 »



Offline NannyGoat

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #5 on: Sun May 06, 2012 - 21:25:33 »
lover.like.you, I feel you.  That's how 5 years of hurt and betrayal became 16 years.  So, I truly feel you.  My kids are still at home, but I think they are better off in a peaceful household with no yelling and no pornography.  I stayed many years for fear of taking care of the little ones alone, for fear of being able to support them, and for fear of being alone.  So, in that way, I am grateful now that I am able to separate from this situation, but believe me when I say, it is by no means easy.  In the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if THIS is the time that everything could have a real chance; and if I walk away, I lose out.

I am grateful today that chosenone mentioned the 6 months.  I feel better already knowing that I can give myself the time to explore my feelings-that just never occurred to me.   ::clappingoverhead::

happypromises

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #6 on: Fri May 25, 2012 - 11:57:16 »
Hey Nanny
I completely know your pain - and have only just gotten back together with my other half after a 6 month seperation.   If I could do it over, I would say, 'do not make this easy for him'.   He absolutely has to know that if he does not get this sorted, you are NOT having him back.   When faced with the reality that he may lose his wife, family, home and everything he loves, that might give him the jolt to realise just how pointless this all is.    

The biggest thing I can say to you is that you are NOT alone, there are hundreds of thousands of Christian marriages in the same situation - it's just that so few people talk about.  We are very blessed because our church talks about it openly - in fact, in the church video notices, they even put up a number where people can send a confidential text if they struggle with porn!   And that is because it is JUST as common in the church as it is out of it.   So hang in there, despite the heartbreak, I 100% believe that God can restore the brokenness of this situation.  Of course, your husband has to want to do it too....and so much is dependent on his will.  But, keep yourself apart for as long as it takes, for you to know that he is serious and has been seriously abstinent for the longest time!     And read everything you can get your hands on, to keep your spirits up - there is also a web discussion forum for Christian women (can't recall the actual URL) but if you search for wives in the battle forum, you will find it.

You're not alone sis - hang in there!  God can make a way, where there seems to be NO way!  
« Last Edit: Sat May 26, 2012 - 06:28:28 by happypromises »

Offline kensington

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #7 on: Sat May 26, 2012 - 00:16:40 »
We have separated. I asked him to leave after finding the webcam porn. We have talked about it and He is getting counseling, joined a church group, and is doing all the reading. Everything he should have done the last time. I am glad he's getting help but like chosenone said, I need to stop enabling his behavior by repeatedly letting him back into the relationship undeserved.  I like the six months to heal. I have a hard time allowing myself that freedom, but I need the time to think honestly about my real needs-not what he tells me I need. He is still telling me what I need to do to heal! Half the time I know he's right but want to reject it simply because it came from him!! Not good, I know.   ::doh::

I start counseling this week, but it is with his counselor; who is awesome but I'm not sure if his approach will be my needs or trying to get me to understand my hubby. Most resources are aimed at understanding why men do what they do. I understand why, I have walked this journey for YEARS!!! I am ready to understand and help ME! Selfish though that may be, somebody has to start caring about ME!!

Separation is about the only thing you could do. Frankly, I would have filed for divorce by now. So, be encouraged, you are filled with more faith than you realize.

I would not help him in any way. I would back way out of his life and refuse to have any talk of any kind of a relationship until he has completed his recovery and walked a LONG while without porn and had a good walk that you could really see with the LORD. You are better off alone that in that kind of torture. 

I said a prayer for you. Be strong, keep the faith. Maybe start a support group of your own. Find ladies in your church who will faithfully pray for you to pray you through. If you have a hobby, stay busy. Stay in church, but not the same one as he, get deep into some good bible studies. Like Beth Moore. She has some I believe will touch you, and help you in this situation.

God Bless.

Offline lover.like.You

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #8 on: Sat May 26, 2012 - 01:16:52 »
Get marriage counseling. It has helped my husband and I alot.

Offline warrior816

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #9 on: Sun Dec 28, 2014 - 11:12:00 »
You're not alone dear. I'm a WoPA myself. My hubby is a currently on GreatnessAhead therapy and was addicted to porn since he was in highschool. It got worse when he lost his job back in 2012. For two years I've been leaving him and getting back, it was devastating, shattering- every negative thing that left me super
scarred. He also made promises that he'd seek help and all that but never did. The only time he realized what he's gonna lost was when my mom told him that I've actually spoken to a lawyer about divorce. We talked, decided to help each other and right now he's really trying. Intimacy is getting better, slowly but surely. It's still difficult as while he's recovering, I've lost myself and absolutely need healing. But I need to move forward. Hun your support is all useless if he can't be firm on his decision to seek hellp. He's been using the name of God for you to believe his lies. Talk to him. Be honest. Support him if he wants to go on counseling. Do everything but within a certain time frame. After the time you've set, it's about time to think about leaving him. Best of luck.

Offline Tiny Sparrow

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #10 on: Sun Dec 28, 2014 - 11:23:06 »
Um, this is a 2012 original post.   ::idea::

Offline standingstrong

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #11 on: Mon Aug 10, 2015 - 15:39:50 »
Hi there, coming from a fresh revelation that my husband of 10 years has been to prostitutes on countless occasions please can you let me know if your husband has been set free or delivered from this?

Thank you
Jolene

Offline chosenone

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Re: Husband's porn addiction destroyed our marriage. HELP!!
« Reply #12 on: Tue Aug 11, 2015 - 22:00:08 »
standingstrong, I am so sorry, you must be devastated.

 

     
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