There is a "Celebrate Recovery" for those who have embraced and gotten help for their addictions, but there is no place for the rejected and devastated wives to gather and comfort each other. Perhaps it's the shame? Either way, that is how I find myself here...
I have been married 16 years now to a man who has only been wonderful when he has been caught. He has never willingly confessed anything to me. He is a liar. I have had to discover every hurtful detail of his betrayal. It started with pornographic magazines. When I told him that wasn't going to be acceptable, he just hid them and I would find them. He has ordered pornographic movies and when that didn't work, he then graduated to online porn; which I also discovered. When I told him that wasn't going to be okay either, he just hid it more. I have found emails where he tells strangers to meet him at bars and what he will be wearing and "If she likes what she sees" then to approach him. But, of course, he says he had no intention to meet that person-probably just more lies I accepted to make this marriage work. That was 11 years into a very rocky marriage. He told me he found God and everything would be different. I believed him.
Our marriage has been very rocky ever since. Five years later, we have been to counseling many times, but like I tell him, counseling only works if you put their advice into practice. Yes, you should communicate with your spouse, but if you choose to never do that, what good is counseling? He separates himself from me. He does not give his heart to me. He holds me at arms length; never letting me in to his heart. Eventually, our sexual relationship all but died. He says he's just getting old. He's only 40!!! I get suspicious. Internet history is clear. My lying spouse has gotten savvy. I change computer parameters, still clean. He's become VERY savvy.
One miraculous day he accidentally prints the screen he is on and by some other miracle my brother happens to be visiting and finds the printout and hides it to give to me. What I find is more devastating than the last. He has graduated to web cam sex. He is now pleasuring himself while watching live people online either pleasure themselves or couples that are actually having sex. All while I'm down the hall wondering why my husband never tries to have sex with me. When confronted, he tried to lie. I've already been down this road and I have learned to be savvy too. He confesses, it's been going on for the last year and a half. Surprise!!!
I am crushed, devastated, hurt, broken hearted, angry, resentful, and feel like I could bleed hate. So many very unGodly emotions! I am starting to hate myself now because I am so out of sync with God's will for me to love and forgive. It's only been 4 weeks, but I have no idea what I am supposed to do. What am I supposed to feel? How can I forgive when I haven't even stopped crying!?!?! I can't even embrace what I really feel because I'm busy trying to raise three kids and a full time job! But don't worry, he's REALLY found God this time so it's all going to be okay! Just ask my husband! He tells me God wants us together! And to me, all I can think is, then God must hate me because why does God want me to be so hurt and betrayed???
Please, somebody help me!! This pain is so unbearable!!! My husband wants to talk recovery and restoration and I can't even be in the same room with him without feeling like my heart has been ripped from my chest!!!!!!