I hope you saw my other reply to you in the Mod’s section. My post called “Problem with Online Friendship” was deleted by accident somehow. Maybe it was a glitch. So I’m writing in a new post.
I actually saw your reply to me when you sent it before the thread was deleted. I had quickly read it and was blown away. It led me to do some research. There was 1 comment that did it. I wish I can remember your exact words because it just hit me like a ton of bricks and it was like something in me was so convicted! I even felt like I was going to cry (in a good way!) You said something like why would I continue to be friends with someone and ignore my own needs when I know what she is doing. Something like that. Do you remember better? Well it really hurt me to see what I was doing and I didn’t know why. That turned me to the internet to see if I could find answers. And I did get answers.
I am a Co-dependant (perhaps you even mentioned it in your note, but I could not digest it all at the time). I am this way because I was abused when throughout my childhood. I was also abandoned, as well. I could never please my father. In fact I never even got praise when I did something right. I just never got any praise, whatsoever. I was also not allowed to have feelings, and I was ridiculed for having them. I was also not allowed to stand up for myself and speak up. I didn’t get any love or validation. My parents were always fighting and never got along. Growing up the environment at home was very tense and I was afraid of my father. But get this. When we went out as a family together my Dad changed his face completely. He became a completely different person and in public we were the perfect family. He talked to me like I didn’t know him. He was so nice, but it made me hate him because he was a phony and it was scary to see what a different persona he put on in public. My Dad was actually a bully at home, he could be very cruel, but in public he was a major people pleaser and doormat. He cared so much about what other people thought of him and his family and at home he reprimand me and my sibling if we ever so dared to not go out of our way, or be perfect in front of his friends and etc. Meanwhile he never gave me any love and neglected me and made fun of me. To the day when he died, I can say I never knew him.
He never let me know him.
Wow. Major breakthrough. It’s been many years since I have forgiven him and gave him to the Lord. Since then I barely ever think of him, even in a bad way. But somehow, I have continued to act out my programming.
I wouldn’t say I have been really bad. There have been occasions in my life where I actually did break from a friend. One was an unbeliever that didn’t like I was a Christian, and another was one where when we went out she never talked to me.She also was someone that didn’t want to talk about her life, was mean to me, and I stayed with her for a very long time.
I think a lot of some of my other friendships in my life thoug,h really show that I am a co-dependant. )There was one where I was friends with a co-worker who consistently stood in front of my desk for 2 hours on a reg. basis and poured out her life to me, and the only one time I went to her for a problem I had, she kept interrupting me rudely all the time ( I have no idea why) and didnt give me the time of day).Meaning I have no boundaries and I have a need to outside love and validation. II can see now why my friendships were always ending up the same, or that I seemed to attract always the same type of people.
And you right. My online friend in this current situation is a definite energy sucker. You see it is true I go out of my way to be a martyr and do everything I can to cater to them because that is what my father did. And yes, I will do it over my own well being.
Pretty sad and possibly dangerous.
There is a part of me that is actually very happy right now, because realizing I was contributing to the problem, means I have power to correct it from happening again. I am not a victim with this new knowledge!
So I have decided 100% to set good and healthy boundaries with my online friend. I am positive I will never go back. I will only chat 1x a week with her, and there will be things I will not address anymore. Whether she likes it or not. And if she doesn’t then the relationship will just naturally fizzle.
So, Lisa, thank you! I am very glad what you shared with me! It’s life changing Praise God
I am so sorry though that I could not fully remember all you said about your friendship that you ended. I remember you were quite detailed and it makes me sad it’s gone. I do remember you saying something like you had allowed her back into your life a 2nd time, thinking she had changed when in fact she hadn’t. I remember that. If you would like to explain again, please feel free to you, but if not again, no worries, ok?
I guess I just have at least question for you ? What advice could you give me to help me to heal better? Any recommendations? Books, etc… Obviously praying about and asking for help from God and the Holy Spirit is right up there, but if there is anything else that helped you, I would love to know.
p.s. Did you ever get obsessive thoughts when you started getting stronger ? I couldn’t sleep last night because I was afraid what she’s going to think of me ?
Thanks so much Lisa. God bless you!