YOU SAID I COULD KNOCK...

[Job was a lady]

(This is a "letter" to God - not a provocation of any sort, so please, don't feel offended.
And please, do NOT read this if you are at all prone to doubt or sadness.
Also, I don't think I'll be back, so there is no need to reply - unless you're God, of course. :)


I have been knocking for seven months now, even after you took from me, one by one, every single source of my modest happiness on Earth.
Without notice you took out the sole light of my life, my reason for doing and being.
You were deaf to my prayers, even though I prayed as you told us to.
In a single sweeping gesture, you also took from me the basic sustenance for me to grieve in peace. Instead, you thought it would be profitable for me to add a new burden on my already broken back.
And yet, the more you oppressed me, the more I kept praying and counting on your help – BLINDLY counting on your providence.
But you just kept taking away from me and destroying everything that I had built over many years. Every single work I ever started was dedicated to you – surely you must have known that? I said so, quite openly. I always asked for your assistance and guidance. Every single thought I had was a prayer. When I walked down the street, when I shopped for groceries, when I stood admiring the majestic beauty of nature, when I hummed to music, when I worked... You were always WITH me.
Weren't you?

Ever since you allowed the world to start hitting me, ever since you turned your back on me, things have been going from bad to worse. And, most extraordinarily, you chose to take away from me – from us – even the one thing I was sure could never be taken away by anyone: our family's togetherness and pure love. No thief could ever take that from us, I thought.

And I was right. No thief could do that – but you chose to destroy even THAT.

I was shocked; and I could not understand what was happening. After all, it's not like you were punishing a petulant child who isn't grateful for what she's got: surely you heard all the beats of my grateful heart over the years? Every joy I had I dedicated to you; I only turned to you when I was happy and grateful; on the few occasions that I asked for your help when I was in great trouble you didn't seem to have heard me at all.

And yet, I kept praying and singing your praises. And I kept smiling, even though my life was crumbling inside and out. I never complained to anyone; I didn't want to spread misery or fear. I didn't want anyone's confidence in you wane because of my Job-like calvary.

But after taking out the life of my life, the only earthly joy of my heart, you took away even the possibility of comfort, of grieving in peace; you took away my meagre fortune, my sustenance, and my reputation, which I had so painstakingly built over the years, by which you effectively took away my future. There is very little left – only debts and heartache – and the prospect of living destitute in a joyless world, in effective slavery.

Most of all, by your relentless deafness to my pleas you not only broke my own strength, but also my ability to pray to you.

So, was I no good to you while I was successful and striving for happiness and singing your praises?
Would I be of more use to you as a pauper? As a homeless, hungry wretch, cleaning toilets for a pittance? As the laughing stock of everyone who has the time and the inclination to kick somebody who is down?

If that is so, I am sure YOU know the reasons. But I don't. And forgive me for not embracing your mysteriously devised »plan«. You should know that it won't make me a better person; I already was that »better person«. And apparently that wasn't good enough for you.

Yes, I have been weak.
Is there no place for the weak on your Earth?

And I have been far from perfect.
But so are other people. At least I was always aware of my mistakes and regretted them.

But I was also many other things: joyful, humble, grateful, hopeful. Compassionate. And generous - that too. (Do you remember my giving, God? Have you, mighty accountant, figured out why all those to whom I had lent money, when I had very little of it myself, ignored my reminder that, after more than a year,  I'd like my money back – because I needed to pay my bills? Don't you, the All-knowing, know that I have nobody to turn to?)

All my life I walked in grateful confidence.

Did that displease you?
Was that not the prayer that you wanted to hear?

Is »please, don't hit me« the prayer that you would prefer?

If such were the case, then you wouldn't be much better – or much more -  than a medieval potentate who has to be curried for favours and whose  moods are to be feared.
Or like those Chinese deities that are supposedly jealous of man's happiness, so humans have to hide it from them.

If such were the case, you would be no God at all.

Once upon a time, I was afraid that I might die in my sleep because of the pain that would cause to my loved ones.
Today, that seems to be my only escape.
So, here's your chance, dear God. Tonight is the night. Do that thing you promised to do: open the door. Listen to my dying heart and grant me THE miracle – or else go pour some more fragrant oil into the vials of the »wicked« ones, the ones that don't want to know your face, who may even spit on your name - who never think of you at all, but live happy and fulfilled in heir ignorance of you; who sleep peacefully in their comfortable beds, anticipating nothing but another fruitful day and then a weekend with their loved ones – while I fear going to sleep because there is a good probability that I might wake up. Wake up... to yet another pile of bills that cannot be paid, to yet another 20 hours of hunger and heartache, of wondering: what did I do? WHAT, in God's name, did I ever do to anyone, except bring them joy and comfort and, yes, very palpable help? As for my many ill deeds, I have repented for them so often and so bitterly in the past – if you were listening, surely you should know that.
Do that miracle – or go add some more bliss to those who never think about you – or about other people – because they have no use for your paradise: they have their own paradise, right here and now.

Is this an ultimatum?

You tell me, Almighty.
You may live outside Time, but I don't, because you yourself placed me within Time.
You allow the bill collectors and the bank – and my empty stomach, which  is such a wonderful complement to a heart broken by long months of grief and deceived hopes – to persecute me pitilessly, without any regard for my sadness and loneliness and, yes, poverty; now I can actually speak of poverty. I don't have the money to buy even a lottery ticket.

You didn't care to preserve and protect a happy, grateful heart who considered herself RICH because she walked bathed in your Light and Grace – or so she thought.
Finish me off, then.
But, considering my recent past experience with your favours, even that might be too much to ask from you. Perhaps all the good pious people, sitting pretty in their comfy chairs, who IN YOUR NAME promise nothing but brimstone to those who take their own life, are right, after all. Perhaps you would like me to do that, so that you can have yet more fun with me, from here to eternity.

Or perhaps there is no YOU.
Not here, not in eternity.

[Charles Sloan]

(This is a "letter" to God - not a provocation of any sort, so please, don't feel offended.
And please, do NOT read this if you are at all prone to doubt or sadness.
Also, I don't think I'll be back, so there is no need to reply - unless you're God, of course. :)

Don't worry, I don't expect it to be around long enough to trouble anyone.

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

...I will show you the truth of what I am saying. For I have not finished defending God!  I will give you many illustrations of the righteousness of my Creator.  I am telling you the honest truth, for I am a man of well-rounded knowledge.

"God is mighty, yet he does not despise anyone! He is mighty in both power and understanding. 6 He does not let the wicked live but gives justice to the afflicted.  His eyes never leave the innocent, but he establishes and exalts them with kings forever.  If troubles come upon them and they are enslaved and afflicted, he takes the trouble to show them the reason. He shows them their sins, for they have behaved proudly.  He gets their attention and says they must turn away from evil.

"If they listen and obey God, then they will be blessed with prosperity throughout their lives. All their years will be pleasant. But if they refuse to listen to him, they will perish in battle and die from lack of understanding. For the godless are full of resentment. Even when he punishes them, they refuse to cry out to him for help. They die young after wasting their lives in immoral living. But by means of their suffering, he rescues those who suffer. For he gets their attention through adversity.

"God has led you away from danger, giving you freedom. You have prospered in a wide and pleasant valley. But you are too obsessed with judgment on the godless. Don't worry, justice will be upheld. But watch out, or you may be seduced with wealth. Don't let yourself be bribed into sin. Could all your wealth and mighty efforts keep you from distress? Do not long for the cover of night, for that is when people will be destroyed.  Be on guard! Turn back from evil, for it was to prevent you from getting into a life of evil that God sent this suffering.

"Look, God is all-powerful. Who is a teacher like him? No one can tell him what to do. No one can say to him, `You have done wrong.' Instead, glorify his mighty works, singing songs of praise. Everyone has seen these things, but only from a distance.

"Look, God is exalted beyond what we can understand. His years are without number. He draws up the water vapor and then distills it into rain. The rain pours down from the clouds, and everyone benefits from it. Can anyone really understand the spreading of the clouds and the thunder that rolls forth from heaven? See how he spreads the lightning around him and how it lights up the depths of the sea. By his mighty acts he governs the people, giving them food in abundance. He fills his hands with lightning bolts. He hurls each at its target. The thunder announces his presence; the storm announces his indignant anger.

"My heart pounds as I think of this. It leaps within me. Listen carefully to the thunder of God's voice as it rolls from his mouth. It rolls across the heavens, and his lightning flashes out in every direction. Then comes the roaring of the thunder-the tremendous voice of his majesty. He does not restrain the thunder when he speaks. God's voice is glorious in the thunder. We cannot comprehend the greatness of his power.

"He directs the snow to fall on the earth and tells the rain to pour down. Everyone stops working at such a time so they can recognize his power. The wild animals hide in the rocks or in their dens. The stormy wind comes from its chamber, and the driving winds bring the cold. God's breath sends the ice, freezing wide expanses of water. He loads the clouds with moisture, and they flash with his lightning. The clouds turn around and around under his direction. They do whatever he commands throughout the earth. He causes things to happen on earth, either as a punishment or as a sign of his unfailing love.

"Listen, stop and consider the wonderful miracles of God! Do you know how God controls the storm and causes the lightning to flash forth from his clouds? Do you understand how he balances the clouds with wonderful perfection and skill? When you are sweltering in your clothes and the south wind dies down and everything is still, he makes the skies reflect the heat like a giant mirror. Can you do that?

"You think you know so much, so teach the rest of us what to say to God. We are too ignorant to make our own arguments. Should God be told that I want to speak? Can we speak when we are confused? We cannot look at the sun, for it shines brightly in the sky when the wind clears away the cloudsGolden splendor comes from the mountain of God. He is clothed in dazzling splendor. We cannot imagine the power of the Almighty, yet he is so just and merciful that he does not oppress us. No wonder people everywhere fear him. People who are truly wise show him reverence."

[janine]

(It could be construed as a threat to commit suicide, and as such wouldn't be appropriate to leave posted.  However, I will leave it here until we get some kind of consensus.)

I haven't anything great and grand to say.  You wouldn't listen anyway, you're too full of pain right now.

Sounds like you're contemplating suicide.  Counseling can be had for free.

Perhaps right now while you're not feeling in touch with God, others could be praying for you.  So, it's good you posted that, if only because we are some prayin' fools here and will lift you up in prayer.

One thing about my life that keeps me grounded is, if I lost everything -- and I do mean everything -- if God allowed Satan to carve my life down the way Job's was -- I do at least know how to walk out into the swamps and marshes around me and find food.

And I'm too bloody-minded stubborn to give up on God when I can't "feel" Him.  Heaven knows, I am not always perfectly faithfully in tune with Him -- He cannot always feel me.

Sounds to me like you did everything under your own power, before the Big Disaster hit.  I don't dare to tell you what God has or has not, will or won't do in your life -- But if only because I know who Job is, I know that God has chosen to allow the pain and even the evil in this world to shape some of His best souls.

You are, quite possibly, under construction.

[Rev3:15-19]

You need people (real people) to comfort you...God can comfort, but he comforts through his people more often than not.  Seek out a Christian Counselor or non-denominational Christian church office and talk with a non-denominational Christian pastor or Christian counselor.  You cannot make it through this life alone...I will pray for comfort and healing and deliverance...my heart goes out to you job was a lady.

[janine]

I hope s/he finds some people who will be Jesus to her.  Him.  Whatever.

[Robert Pate]

Been there, have gone through that, God deals with us as his children.  What is the full story?  Are you reaping the whirlwind because you made some bad choices?  Jesus said, "Fox's have holes but the Son of man has nowhere to lay his head."  Things change, but you must persevere through what you are going through. Do we deserve anything better than what our Lord had?  The Lord chastises every son or daughter he receives. Stay faithful, things will get better.

[david johnson]

hi, job.  how can i help you?

dj

[seekr]

I could have written that myself...today in fact. I have felt the same anguish, but never gave up hope. I still wonder how I will make it another day sometimes...BUT, God still reigns. He did those things to change me and to draw me closer to Him. I may not even feel His presence, most times, but the fire that He has used to burn up the chaff in my life is worth it. If the things in this world can even come close to the love God has prepared for me, then I would have no hope. It's funny but this thing you wrote touched me because I was feeling some of that myself and you have helped me see God clearer and want to change my momentary tantrum.

"Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. 36Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. 37They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— 38the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.

39These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised. 40God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect."


None of them received what God had promised. they got their prayers answered when they went home and received a greater resurrection. Now that is faith indeed. To see beyond what is in front of us.

[Serenity432001]

Welcome Lady job,

I'd just like to thank you for your honest sharing.  I, like seekr, could have written something very similar to this and I feel your pain.  God is so awesome that He can handle our feelings about Him.  Not only can He handle them, but He welcomes them and wants us to be honest with Him and ourselves about what's really going on so I think you've made a very important first step and I also believe that God hears and heard your prayer.   Like Job sometimes we have to let Him know that we really don't care for His plan for us and that if it were left up to us we would have done things oh so different but like Job hopefully I can get to the place where I can say, Yet I trust you still and not my will but Thine be done.  I do hope you'll drop back in and keep us posted.  God loves you and so do I!

Lisa P

[Dennis]

I do not know what else to do.  So I am praying for this person.  I encourage you all to do the same.

[JERRY C]

simply,

[marc]

I'm familiar with despair.  Right now, I'm just anxious, depressed and worried.  I put something up on my blog yesterday that I took down this morning because it sounded too depressing and self-pitying.

Yet what I wrote wasn't close to this level of despair.

I don't have any answers.  Sometimes it's tough to keep going without seeing any hope. 

Just because we don't see any hope doesn't mean tha hope isn't there.  I've went more than a decade wandering in more gloom than sunshine, but now I'm starting to see a little clearing. 

It's only a little clearing, but I'll keep going.

Tolstoy said "God sees the truth, but waits".  I've learned the truth of this, but I don't understand why.  He suggested that perhaps in our pain we finally find something that is of greater worth than what we desired.  I don't know.

[Brandonspopo]

Leave it there. God sent he/r here for a reason. Pray that s/he comes back. Most of all pray for her soul.
Rick

[janine]

hi, job.  how can i help you?

dj

*Ahem*

"dj" stands for "David Johnson", not "Daddy of Jesus"!

[Serenity432001]

I see what you're saying Janine BUT I also love what dj wrote.  We aren't God but sometimes there might be something we can do to help and asking that very simple question, imo, showed a very compassionate non-judgemental soul.

[JERRY C]

Miss Job,

I have been thinking about you and praying.  maybe you are still checking back on this post.
Tuesday, on the ride home from work, with pain in my heart, I thanked God that I could feel the pain; it reminded me that I am alive, spiritually.  The numb heart of a castaway is a distessing situation.  Maybe He uses the pain to bless his special ones?  Maybe it is sort of like being in special ops or something?  Maybe it is just that life can be the pits; but, I choose to believe that He is behind the scenes, short-leashing the Snake, for the good of His child.  I am skeptical that words will help here, but they can be a conduit for his Spirit.

just thinking about you. 

[zoonance]

I have been there.  Can't imagine anybody who never has been. (unless they have not experienced life long enough - sometimes all you have left is a little faith, hanging on by fingernails.  It don't take much to wonder in those times if it simply will power and wishful thinking that drives us on)  In fact, I don't believe anybody that says they never will.  "Why have you forsaken me?" rings familiar along with a host of heroes of the faith who wrote their own version of the letter to God.