Advice Please

[SRO]

I need advice on how to handle a situation. My husband and I have been married for 12 yrs I already had a son who was 5 and is now 17 and we had two more kids soon after we got married. My husband is quick to anger and will show it to all of us, but my son sees it a lil more.. about once every three months and when we talk about it husband says I am just sticking up for him. sometimes I intervine other times I dont, I pick my battles and to tell the truth I am scared of what my husband is capable of if it gets out of hand so I try to keep the peace. tonight my son was using my Ipad that hubby gave me over a yr ago and when my husband found out he blew up at him but yet when our other two kids have used it he doesnt blow up. I dont know what else I can say or do to end this behavior towards my son. he is a really good kid, never a problem, goes to school, has a job and bought his own car. he is truly a great teen! I have tried tellng him to calmly talk and that I gave him permission to use it but he doesnt care he wants to be made at my son . ughhh what to do?

[johndoo]

It sounds like you have tried to address the problem.
You could go to marriage counseling.  You can just say you want the marriage to be better or anything else to get him there.
You may need a pastor or elder at your church to intervene.  It is worrisome that you are concerned about him taking this too far.
This creates scenarios where everyone has to walk on eggshells - a very hard way to live.

[anx]

We are told by Jesus how to confront sin in the church.

Mathew 18 - Dealing With Sin in the Church

15 "If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

18 "Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

19 "Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them."

Talk with your husband and make it clear that this isn't OK. Anger is controlling, manipulative, and is ruining his marriage and relationships. From there, bring your husband to a pastor or marriage counseling. This needs to be addressed in a big way. Unfortunately, angry people often leave the only way to address as some big wake up call like speaking with a pastor. This is something he needed to deal with by himself a long time ago.

This needs to be brought to light and no longer hidden. Not talking with someone like a pastor about this will only continue to leave this dark corner full of sin and the hurt it is bringing. It is long past time your husband confronts this.

Try to be loving and respectful while still confronting him and his issue in this. Nothing good will come from trying to shame him or hurt him emotionally more than needs to be. Be firm that this isn't OK.

[apostle]

A suggestion: while getting another person to help you intervene is a good idea, consider carefully who you might ask.  Best choice is someone your husband already respects, or at least would listen to.  Preferably a wise friend.  The pastor is fine, IF there is an existing relationship.  Things work best if your helper is not someone your husband will blow off when challenged.  This is not about the IPad, and it may not even be about your son.  This is a marriage issue. Sometimes, a man does not really know what is abusive-- depending on how his parents treated him.  For some men, being hot-tempered is part of the model they learned.  In either case, whether the action is ignorant or malicious, a parent must be protective, and you have too long a life ahead of you to live with abusive behavior.