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Offline MeMyself

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Grandparents roles and boundaries
« on: Fri Mar 16, 2018 - 08:43:16 »
So...dh and I just learned that we will soon be grandparents.  ::clappingoverhead::

I am so looking forward to loving the new little person God is crafting and also getting to watch my child morph into becoming a parent. ::inlove::

Someone said something in another thread about stepping in and putting a stop to something his children were teaching their kids and I am wondering what the consensus of this board is? *Is* there biblical backing for this practice? Should we as grandparents be stepping in when and if we don't agree with every teaching our kids may be teaching their kids?

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Grandparents roles and boundaries
« on: Fri Mar 16, 2018 - 08:43:16 »

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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #1 on: Fri Mar 16, 2018 - 09:30:35 »
Congratulations! Grandbabies are so special. You'll be a fantastic grandmother.

About grandparents roles and boundaries - it depends on your family dynamics. I raised one grandson and was like a mom to him, so that was different. OTOH, I have 3 other grands  - totally different dynamics there.

My advice is that unless it's a life or death matter, (which is rare), let your children come to you for advice about their babies, but never push it on them without them asking - which is so hard. Try to remember when your own children were young and how you would have felt if your parents or inlaws usurped/undermined your authority as a parent. They'll be more likely to come to you for advice if they feel you respect their roles as parents.

However, if you have a strong patriarch or matriarch in the family and everyone is cool with it and expect that type of leadership - that's totally different.

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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #1 on: Fri Mar 16, 2018 - 09:30:35 »

Offline MeMyself

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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #2 on: Fri Mar 16, 2018 - 10:09:54 »
Congratulations! Grandbabies are so special. You'll be a fantastic grandmother.
Thank you!!  ::smile::

Quote
About grandparents roles and boundaries - it depends on your family dynamics. I raised one grandson and was like a mom to him, so that was different. OTOH, I have 3 other grands  - totally different dynamics there.

My advice is that unless it's a life or death matter, (which is rare), let your children come to you for advice about their babies, but never push it on them without them asking - which is so hard. Try to remember when your own children were young and how you would have felt if your parents or inlaws usurped/undermined your authority as a parent. They'll be more likely to come to you for advice if they feel you respect their roles as parents.

However, if you have a strong patriarch or matriarch in the family and everyone is cool with it and expect that type of leadership - that's totally different.

Underlined portion is my conviction as well... ::nodding::

I am wondering if there are biblical principles or guidelines that call to us about how we specifically should be conducting ourselves as the GP's as our kids are doing their dardest to raise up their own kids?

I suspect that both set of my dh and my parents would have *loved* to run our show...but I couldn't reconcile that with my own responsibilities before God.  Dh and I felt very strongly that He had entrusted *us* to do the job, heavy lifting, etc of this generation of child rearing, and so we had to put down some boundaries for ourselves so as not to give into the pressure to abdicate our roles in their lives.





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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #2 on: Fri Mar 16, 2018 - 10:09:54 »

Offline grams

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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #3 on: Fri Mar 16, 2018 - 10:15:02 »

I now live  with my son and his  wife and there  8  children...........

And  I keep sticking my mouth into things  I should not !     When I seen the  grandchildren doing some thing they
should not be doing.........  My  son and daughter in law  have both told me they will take care of the problem
don't  worry  about it............  and I  try, but  I keep doing it........
It was different  when  we  just  visited, but being here  is a big difference !


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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #3 on: Fri Mar 16, 2018 - 10:15:02 »

Offline MeMyself

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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #4 on: Fri Mar 16, 2018 - 10:28:55 »
I now live  with my son and his  wife and there  8  children...........

And  I keep sticking my mouth into things  I should not !     When I seen the  grandchildren doing some thing they
should not be doing.........  My  son and daughter in law  have both told me they will take care of the problem
don't  worry  about it............  and I  try, but  I keep doing it........
It was different  when  we  just  visited, but being here  is a big difference !

 ::hug::  That would be hard, grams!

I guess I don't struggle *quite* as much because I have worked with young children for a loooong time.  When they were in my primary care, my rules.  When their mamas and daddies came...I was benched and the rest of the game was on them to coach and guide.

(My husband, who is an actual coach, has a hard time with this...even though he *hates* being bleacher quarterbacked.haha!)

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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #4 on: Fri Mar 16, 2018 - 10:28:55 »



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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #5 on: Fri Mar 16, 2018 - 17:36:18 »
Its a wonderful thing and I bet you are so excited:-)

I believe that grandparents should never interfere with how their children are raising their own children. Obviously if there is a very dysfunctional family with abuse or drugs etc then that's different, but otherwise no. We should always support them in front of the children even if we disagree with what they are doing. All adults in their family need to show a united front.

I am not sure about Biblical principles though. I see it as our role to encourage the parents and support them and let them make their own mistakes. Grandparents are there for loving, cuddles, kisses and giving quality time attention:-)
« Last Edit: Fri Mar 16, 2018 - 17:43:33 by chosenone »

Offline grams

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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #6 on: Thu Apr 19, 2018 - 09:41:08 »

That  was all  good to do , hug and kiss them........... when visiting...

But now living with them  ,  its impossible.....   I love my  daughter in law, she is good , nice..

I guess to nice and over looks  a lot, so I do  keep sticking my nose into things, when she is

not around....... my son  is  very strict   and  when he is around  it gets taken care of...

I guess  my D.I.L  .......  got away with a lot of things growing up and is doing the same. ???
to  her children....     and  I still need to keep my self  out  of it........ but  its impossible
most of the time......   

Offline MeMyself

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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #7 on: Thu Apr 19, 2018 - 09:46:17 »
That  was all  good to do , hug and kiss them........... when visiting...

But now living with them  ,  its impossible.....   I love my  daughter in law, she is good , nice..

I guess to nice and over looks  a lot, so I do  keep sticking my nose into things, when she is

not around....... my son  is  very strict   and  when he is around  it gets taken care of...

I guess  my D.I.L  .......  got away with a lot of things growing up and is doing the same. ???
to  her children....     and  I still need to keep my self  out  of it........ but  its impossible
most of the time......

Maybe not though...maybe her upbringing was stifling and harsh and so she tends to make up for that by running the other way?

Some people just aren't bothered as much by kids doing and acting like kids...*I* personally, can't handle the constant chaos of out of control behaviors, but I have dear friends who just didn't seem bothered by it.

Just like I'd never have dreamed of parenting my friends kids, I hope I will offer my own grown up kids, who are learning to be parents the same grace...I KNOW it will be hard to keep my lip zipped, but I am determined! haha

Offline grams

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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #8 on: Sun Apr 22, 2018 - 08:36:59 »


It  was  very easy to be quiet  when visiting, but living with the is a big

difference.........  You cant  believe  how much stuff is  lying around when

they take things out and leave them..... and you need to walk around so
much,  and living out here in the  farm area,  they  leave the mud and
dirt on the shoes and feet, [ yep, they walk around with out shoes and
sock on some of them]  so my bed room get it  by my walking in it
in the rest of the house, and  children come in to my room to us the B.R.
a few times a day.......

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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #8 on: Sun Apr 22, 2018 - 08:36:59 »

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Re: Grandparents roles and boundaries
« Reply #9 on: Sun Apr 22, 2018 - 08:54:55 »

It  was  very easy to be quiet  when visiting, but living with the is a big

difference.........  You cant  believe  how much stuff is  lying around when

they take things out and leave them..... and you need to walk around so
much,  and living out here in the  farm area,  they  leave the mud and
dirt on the shoes and feet, [ yep, they walk around with out shoes and
sock on some of them]  so my bed room get it  by my walking in it
in the rest of the house, and  children come in to my room to us the B.R.
a few times a day.......

Differences in what is important to her and what is important to you is all...it would make living together very difficult, but she isn't bad or lazy or anything like that...she just has different priorities.

My DIL is a scary rule maker! I do the best I can to abide by her rules at her house and hope she will be forgiving if I don't keep things as tidy as she'd like when I am there helping with the baby...

My priorities are relationships, hers are things that I just don't get all worked up about...but I respect her, she me and we do our best to love each other even when we have to grit our teeth through it! haha!