GCM Home | Bible Search | Rules | Donate | Bookstore | RSS | Facebook | Twitter

Author Topic: I really need some advise please  (Read 8137 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline tryingishard

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 139
  • Manna: 0
    • View Profile
I really need some advise please
« on: March 21, 2012, 05:59:39 PM »
We have a daughter that will be 20 here in May. She has always been a great child, never into any trouble, did well in school and so on. After she finished high school she went on immediatley to medical assisting school. Then half way through she met a guy and then she started going down a different road. Not right away but as they grew closer she focused more on him than schooling and work. She finished school but has yet to find a job and mainly because she isn't trying. They are planning on getting married next summer. That's all she's focused on. She did her first attempt at her certification test because she's out late, working and just not studying and she failed.

From the beginning, since she's been out of school my husband and I have really struggled with what we allow her to do ect. With the advise of some other Christians, we were told that after 18 they shouldn't have a curfew but to be respectful of us by letting us know her plans and times she plans on being home ect. So that's what we've done.

My husband and I are not agreeing on alot of stuff with all of this. After she failed her test he's been on her alot. We discussed giving her a curfew until she passes this test. She tries pushing it every day. He's on her about wasting gas ect. He will discuss something with me and we'll talk about it and whenever I give him my opinion and what I think he just goes on and tells her what HE thinks which then causes arguments with all of us, he gets mad at me because I'm not being supportive of what he's told her (and I don't do this in front of her), but he's not being supportive of mine either. Basically neither of us know what to do.
She sure wants our money to pay for her food, shelter and big thing wedding.

  That's another problem, the wedding, we really like her boyfriend but they are not financially set, at all, he doesn't even have $100 to fix his car. We have tried sitting with her going through all the bills they have and will have once they marry and compared it to what they make now and they barely have enough, pretty much if something happens, such as car breaks down, they wouldn't have the means to fix it, that's also going by what my daughter makes now, she works retail and her hours can change from one week to the next.
  We feel that until she focuses on passing her test, finding a job (a more stable one at least) that we wont help pay for the wedding until we feel they are ready, but I don't know if that's wrong or not.
Plus this curfew, should we give her one? she will stay out at his house (he lives with his parents and they are Christians, not that that means anything here ) until 12:30, he has to be at work at 8:00 AM, I think it's rude during the week to stay at someones house after 10:00, his parent both work too, she says they don't care. They stay at his house more because that's our rules at our house, during the week no later than 10:30 and weekends midnight.
I'm just so confused and this is causing stress on us too and we don't need this, we have been through enough in the last 5 years.
 Please help. thanks

Christian Forums and Message Board

I really need some advise please
« on: March 21, 2012, 05:59:39 PM »

Offline Seriousseeker

  • 60 Years In Christ
  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 697
  • Manna: 37
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: I really need some advise please
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2012, 10:01:24 PM »
This is fairly common in our society today.  Children are growing up in a very permissive world with loose and unrealistic standards.  Their expectations are without understanding and appreciation of real world conditions.  They aren't getting that kind of counsel along the way in growing up.

I would suggest you invite your daughter to sit with you in private without any interruptions (maybe outside the home), and depending on her age, speak with her in a pleasant and non-threatening manner about some realities of life.  This would include what you have already said about finances, the boy friend's career readiness (or lack thereof), your necessary home requirements, the whole picture of maturity to face the world, etc.  You might preface this by speaking of your intention to only advise her, since she is old enough (presumably) to go out into the world and manage.  

If she has any confidence in you and will listen, you should let her know you are speaking only in love for her, and don't want to interfere, but help her be realistic.  If she is a "know it all" type, then you will just have to say that you are here to help her solve problems, but not try to live her life for her;  and again make it clear your home must maintain standards which includes her while she is there.

Feel free to write me personally if you would like to see more personal considerations on this.

- Seriousseeker
« Last Edit: March 24, 2012, 12:56:22 AM by Seriousseeker »

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: I really need some advise please
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2012, 10:01:24 PM »

Offline FollowHisGrace

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 116
  • Manna: 16
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: I really need some advise please
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2012, 10:30:35 AM »
I'm not speaking from the perspective of a parent of a young adult (mine are still little), but having been on the other side.

I had moved away from home at the age of 21 (married by 23), and did a lot of growing up fast.  Now, at the age of 37, I can look back on things and have a bit of respect for what I put my parents through and learn from what I did.  But isn't hind-sight always 20/20?

I do stand by the saying, "Live under my roof/Live by my rules".  She should respect any boundaries that you and your husband set, but how do you get a 20 year old, blinded by love, to understand that?  Does she have a strong spiritual base?  Maybe use some scripture to back it up.  There is plenty in the Bible about respecting our parents, even into our adulthood.  Also, I'd let her know that all of this comes out of caring for her, rather than wanting control of her.  Even with young children, I think parents have a tendency to utter "because I said so", rather than explain the why.  And, as much as this is hard for a parent to do, let her know that if she doesn't like it, she does have the option of moving out.  While she may not be financially ready, it will be a "learning experience" and sometimes we do need to learn from our mistakes (I certainly did).  Just keep in mind that she may return a little disheartened, but maybe a little wiser.

I think it's important to speak to her as you would another adult.  By society standards, she would be considered an adult, now.  This was one of the biggest factors for me, when I moved out at such a young age.  I'd be treated as an adult all day long, while I was working but as soon as I got home, it was as if I were 15 again.  And the reverse of that is, if she is considered an adult, she should also be expected to act like one.

As for the wedding, she's "expecting" you to pay for it?  Maybe put some of the onus on them.  My parents were not financially set to pay for a wedding and my husband and I had to pay for much of ours.  It taught me the value of budgeting and looking at what I really needed and what I just wanted.  Plus, we did wait to get married until we had some time to save.

I'm not saying that all of this (or any) will work.  It is just some things I learned from my experience on the other side of the fence!

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: I really need some advise please
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2012, 10:30:35 AM »

Offline Seriousseeker

  • 60 Years In Christ
  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 697
  • Manna: 37
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: I really need some advise please
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2012, 05:06:52 PM »
Your experience was a true learning thing, FollowHisGrace.  Parents need to help kids learn to live in the real world, but often just let them grow up and fail when they move out.  The "school of hard knocks" can be brutal, but it will help one learn, if they don't rebel and go wild.

I would like to see schools do better about preparing kids for living, as well as for a career.  They need very practical lessons on parenting, budgeting, realistic jobs (not just talk about college), and how to get along and cooperate with people --not how to get one up on others, etc.  Parents ought to be teaching these values, but alas the school could make up the difference.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: I really need some advise please
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2012, 05:06:52 PM »

Offline hwyangel

  • Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 43
  • Manna: 1
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: I really need some advise please
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2012, 08:46:33 PM »
I agree with FollowHisGrace. Your house, your rules. But I would also like to add that as an adult,  do you get to stay out late? Not show up for work or school or otherwise shirk your responsibilities?   It is fair to expect her to act like an adult if she wants to be treated like one.

Christian Forums and Message Board

Re: I really need some advise please
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2012, 08:46:33 PM »



Offline Carolyn Grace

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 8
  • Manna: 1
  • Gender: Female
    • View Profile
Re: I really need some advise please
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2012, 03:03:30 PM »
Trying is hard-
and YES trying is hard-but perserverance will win EVery time!!
First- do NOT say anything to her unless you are sure your husband will back you up-I have been down that road.

Right now she is in LOVE and it is not easy to break thru that as a parent.therefore, pray Jer 29:11 over her bed everyday, touch her bed as you pray. The Word of God is powerful-speak it out. Many times we don't SEE the answer to out prayers and we THINK nothing has happened but if you read the book of Daniel angels were sent immediatley to help him BUT it took time to get thru the evil spirits around him.
I have been through MUCH with my children and my husband,so much so that The Holy Spirit directed me to write a book about it
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-passion-and-the-power-carolyn-grace/1111383603?ean=9780983778509

If only more Christians really understood how pOWERFUL the spoken Word of God is!
Don't give up-God has your back and FAITH please HIM!!