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Offline marie69

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My step daughter judges me
« on: Sun Jan 17, 2010 - 15:02:30 »
I have a wonderful blended family. My husband & I have been married for 4 years and my husband is 10 years older than me. I have two young children (one is 10 and the other is 8) and 3 stepdaughters that are all grown, married and have kids of their own. I became a grandmother at a young age and I love it. Only one of my stepdaughters live close to my husband and me. We do alot together with her family and over the past 4 years, her and I have become very close. I am a cradle Catholic and really enjoy my Christianity. My stepdaughter grew up in a church but like a lot of young people these days, strayed away for several years. In the past few years, her and her husband have been attending a non-denominational church that they have become very active in. Her Christianity is in full bloom and her heart is so big and loving. My problem is that recently my stepdaughter has begun to point out everything I do that she feels is not a Christian behavior. This greatly offends me. She has even said things like "God has put it on my heart to tell you this." I do believe that God works through others every day. I am a sinner. I am also a Christian who asks for forgiveness for my transgressions on a daily basis. God speaks to my heart frequently. But she is constantly interjecting into our conversations her thoughts of how I could be a better person. I get very defensive at these times because I feel she is judging me. It has caused quite a rift in our relationship lately and I don't know what to do. I have talked to my husband but he is in the middle. My SD and I are both grown and he loves us both very much. I have tried to tread lightly with her because I do not want to make the cut any deeper. If I tell that I don't appreciate being judged, I'm afraid she'll really think I'm not a good Christian. I can no longer share my deepest feelings with her like I used to because I am constantly afraid of looking bad to her. She has a child of her own now and will compare how she is raising her child in a more Christian environment than I am raising mine. Both of us take our children to church on a regular basis. She is a very sweet person and gets her feelings hurt easily. So I don't know how to compassionately approach this with her without causing conflict. Please help!

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My step daughter judges me
« on: Sun Jan 17, 2010 - 15:02:30 »

Offline chosenone

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #1 on: Thu Jan 21, 2010 - 22:12:47 »
Could you have a quiet talk with her and say what you have said here? Its not really up to her to judge you at all and she shouldnt be doing it, but unless you speak to her she may not realise how much this is hurting you.
I think it is  a shame that your husband cant speak to her about it.I really think he should. He isnt takng sides, but just being a good husband. If my kids were doing this to my husband I would definately speak to them.
 
I too am in a second marriage and my three children have a really good step dad while I have little contact with his two boys, They are both in their 20's and I find it hard to bite my toungue beause of the way they behave and how they treat their dad, and if I ever say anythng I get told that I am not their mum. Its good that you have been close to your step daughter, but maybe if she doesnt stop after you and your husband speak to her then you may need to keep more of a distance.

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #1 on: Thu Jan 21, 2010 - 22:12:47 »

Offline marie69

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #2 on: Fri Jan 22, 2010 - 10:01:09 »
Thanks so much for the advice. Sometimes I wish I was one of those that could just speak my mind right then & avoid all the analyzing and anguishing over situations. I just can't stand the thought of hurting someone's feelings or thinking that I've said something that offended someone. You would think I would have outgrown that by now!
My husband did ask me what I would have said had it been one of my own children that said those things. I would have told them, "You'd better make sure your life is perfect before you go telling someone else how to run theirs." In fact, I have told mine that when they have talked about other kids at school. It's different with a grown stepdaughter though. I know the talk is coming because she has to have sensed that I'm different around her.

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #2 on: Fri Jan 22, 2010 - 10:01:09 »

Offline Mere Nick

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #3 on: Fri Jan 22, 2010 - 10:33:57 »
Her Christianity is in full bloom and her heart is so big and loving. My problem is that recently my stepdaughter has begun to point out everything I do that she feels is not a Christian behavior. This greatly offends me. She has even said things like "God has put it on my heart to tell you this."

Yes, it gets very frustrating when someone is saying God wants them to be a jerk, especially when it is someone close to you that you have to put up with instead of just walking off.

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #3 on: Fri Jan 22, 2010 - 10:33:57 »

Offline HannahT

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #4 on: Wed Jan 27, 2010 - 13:39:25 »
Quote
If I tell that I don't appreciate being judged, I'm afraid she'll really think I'm not a good Christian. I can no longer share my deepest feelings with her like I used to because I am constantly afraid of looking bad to her. She has a child of her own now and will compare how she is raising her child in a more Christian environment than I am raising mine. Both of us take our children to church on a regular basis. She is a very sweet person and gets her feelings hurt easily. So I don't know how to compassionately approach this with her without causing conflict.

You can start by stating that God that has placed this on your heart to tell her this... because it may help her to relate.  Its called mirroring.  Of course don't do this if you don't feel God is calling you, but it seems he could be from what you have said!

Don't worry about hurting her feelings, because that is NOT your intent.  You really don't have any control over that anyway. 

Start out by complimenting her on something, and then just go into the meat and potatoes of your issue.  Remind her that as Christians we are to show Grace towards others, and you hope she receives this with grace since that is your intention.

There really isn't appropriate for her to be telling you that she is raising her children 'more christian' (whatever that is), and pointing out things you could be doing 'more christian'.  Its just not needed, and YES that would be different if she felt you lacked tact and integrity or what have you.  Doing this different isn't sinful - its because we are all custom in God's eyes and how he made us.  YES of course a matter of opinion as well!

Its okay to approach this, and she should take it as it was intended.  You can't hand out opinions like she is doing, without being able to receive it as well.

Sounds like she may just be a bit over zealous!  She may learn that being faithful to God's word is awesome and as it should be.  She also needs to respect and accept people and their differences as well.  lol going overboard in youth I think comes with the program it seems!

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #4 on: Wed Jan 27, 2010 - 13:39:25 »



Offline kensington

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #5 on: Thu Jan 28, 2010 - 19:45:25 »
If the things she is pointing out are sinful behaviors, hand her a bible and ask her to show you.  It's just that simple...  ask her to show you in God's word what she is seeing and thinking.

If it is behaviors contrary to the word and she can show you, be open to being taught and being repentant.  Lets face it, there is sin.  And yes, there is sin in the church. If a brother or sister can bring that to us with sincere hope to correct us and show us in the LORD'S word it's true, we need to be ready to receive that and learn from it.

It's not whether or not your church allows it or her church forbids it... get into the word with her and find out what GOD says about it.  Keeping in mind.. "Titus 2". 

Offline walker starr

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #6 on: Thu Jan 28, 2010 - 21:19:59 »



   What Kensington just stated is the definitive answer then I would add that the only
   judging that is to be done will be done by JESUS at a time that HE deems appropriate.
   GOD bless.

Offline tuturt

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #7 on: Mon Mar 08, 2010 - 23:39:20 »
All it'll take is stating in general conversation that the Holy Spirit can do more in a few seconds than us humans can do in our human efforts - no matter how sincere.  He's well able.

Offline marie69

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #8 on: Tue Mar 09, 2010 - 21:40:21 »
I thank all of you for the advice. So many things have happened in the short time since I posted the topic. Because of some recent difficult times in our family, my relationship with my stepdaughter has grown in such a great way! I prayed so much about this and prayed for the right things to say to her. But before the conversation could even come up, we were hit with the difficult situation with another family that we are both very close too. We spent a lot of time together praying about the situation and really opening up our hearts to each other. I really feel like this helped her to see that I am truly devoted to our Lord and Savior. As of now, our relationship has reached a new level. We are very comfortable together now and have started spending a lot of time together again.
Thanks again and God bless all of you!

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Re: My step daughter judges me
« Reply #8 on: Tue Mar 09, 2010 - 21:40:21 »

 

     
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