No she has not lied to me, ever.
The "vibe" I said that I got was that she wasn't relying on a Matthew 19:9 grounds as much as I thought. It wasn't that she gave me wrong information. And that's why I'm despairing over what damage this has caused between us.
There isn't much of a change of information. The only thing that stirred up in my mind was which grounds she was personally claiming over this. I was/am fine with the "cheated" idea because it's very credible.
But the point of tension was that I hadn't been viewing it as 1 Corinthians 7:15 case because he wasn't unopposed to living with her per se, as (and I'm unclear on this up to this point by now) he may have brought her with him back to the US where he would plunge into his horrible lifestyle. And indeed she would have been unsafe. She had told him the marriage would be over if he went back to the states, away from her in NZ where she was safe.
In 1 Corinthians 7:13, it says, "if he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him." The situation seems like a "yes and no" to this and this is where I'm trying to be at peace with it: "yes" he would have consented to live with her, but only in a place where she would be in horrible danger and he has proven incorrigible . . . so "no," while she was trying to bear with him in a place that was at least safe for her.
At the end of the day, I told her many times, I remained at peace with her grounds with divorce on Matt 19:9. Theologically, I am seeing so many people try and justify divorce for just about any reason in all this (and some who even declare all divorce and remarriage as wrong). Theologies are all over the place. My mind has just wrestled with seeing it QUITE the way she is as far as her grounds are concerned from a theological perspective. Again, some people want to justify divorce and remarriage theologically for virtually any reason in response to feelings for a case rather than principle whereas both of us believe in VERY limited reasons for it. So, my mind had not jumped through the hoops quite to see it her way.
I am deeply troubled by how much harm this has caused. I had even tried to keep my mouth shut over this, but I'm grieved that it has caused such dischord. Please pray for us, but especially her.
Cally you are a good man who wants to do the right thing. I agree with you about the difference between so many Christians on this subject and that makes it hard for those who want to do the right thing. I always say that if you ask 20 Christians what they think God says about divorce and remarriage they will give 20 different answers. I have listened to a lot of teaching on it and also read a lot a of Christian books, as well as many other Christians thoughts and beliefs.
As you know we are both previously divorced after long first marriages so its something important to us.
For what its worth, here are the things I think I have learnt.
1)Divorce and therefore remarriage are permitted for certain Biblical reasons. These seem to be sexual sins and abandonment.
2) There are many grey areas such as when someone is abused that are sometimes hard to decide on. I find it hard to see how God would ever want a spouse or children to stay with an abusive, drug addicted, drunk, especially one who isn't prepared to make any effort to change.
3) I cant see anywhere in the Bible that says a divorce doesn't end a marriage.
2) the innocent spouse is free to remarry.
4)Our past is forgiven if we are His.
5)God loves to give us fresh starts and new beginnings.
If you have no peace right now then just wait. From what she has said her ex almost certainly cheated anyway and he certainly acted dreadfully. He also wasn't a Christian. There is no hurry is there, and it may be best if you can visit each other more in person to get to know each other more deeply.
Also have you talked to any mature Christians in your church? Pastors? Of course they will have their own thoughts on this subject and in the end you will need to make that decision, but it may help if they can pray with you.
I do find it hard to think that God would condemn anyone in her position to a lifetime without marriage for making that mistake when she was 20.