Author Topic: is pornography grounds for divorce  (Read 47351 times)

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Offline phoebe

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Re: is pornography grounds for divorce
« Reply #350 on: Fri Jun 05, 2009 - 22:29:08 »
Advised? By whom? I never told anyone while we were still married. It was my shame to have such an unfaithful husband. The only one who knew was my family doctor, the one he went to when he got gonorrhea-three months into our marriage. This would happen two more times during the next seven years. Once was with one of my nurses while I was in the hospital fighting for my life following an auto-motorcycle accident on April Fool's Day, 1977.

No one knew about his unfaithfulness until three years after the divorce. And even now, 29 years after, small bits of all the rest are still coming out. I buried it so deep, it was even hard for God to dig out. It was a very painful process.

People who think that small bits of porn are harmless are listening to the (wrong, satan) voice in their head, not the (right, Spirit) one in their heart. It destroys marriages, it destroys people. I am content and at peace now. But my ex-husband is not, never has been, and probably never will be.

Choices. It's all about the choices we make in our relationship/walk with God.

I should add that it was understood that marriage meant forever-no-matter-what in my fellowship and in my family.

  I thought that you said that people in your church told you that you had to put up with his behaviour, that is what I was referring to.

No. I was taught to tolerate forgive and forgive and forgive whatever he did, that divorce was an unforgivable sin. Maybe that's what you were thinking. But I never spoke with anyone about his behavior until several years after the divorce.

Offline Blondie

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Re: is pornography grounds for divorce
« Reply #351 on: Sat Jun 06, 2009 - 02:17:08 »
You seem to have been caught in the middle Phoebe. The word has always said that we ought not to put our spouses away except in the case of immorality, fornication or whatever. Pornea the actual greek word. One never dwells on divorce and goes for keeps as that is God's will. When things go wrong as in your case then that scripture becomes particularly important, but we also need to be led by God's spirit and not use the word in a legalistic way as it is spirit and life.

We are meant to forgive but didn't Jesus say if your brother sins against you rebuke him and if he repents forgive him? I take it that He is talking about relationship here.
« Last Edit: Sat Jun 06, 2009 - 04:29:44 by Blondie »

Offline phoebe

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Re: is pornography grounds for divorce
« Reply #352 on: Sat Jun 06, 2009 - 10:00:46 »
What you know in your head and what you know in your heart are often in conflict with each other. I knew that adultery was "biblical grounds" for divorce. But the shame of this kind of life was more than I could bear to bring to the light of day. Humiliating for me, embarrassing for him. And he was still my husband, and I vowed to be his support. I thought I was doing the right, godly thing. Wifely "submission" was the rule of all good Baptist marriages at his church. I was very submissive. Should I have left him at the first Playboy? How about after the 12th? Magazines. Calendars, Movies. Which one crossed the line? I didn't know, either. He had already crossed that line before we were married. I just didn't know. Like all good addicts, he kept it well-hidden. Even after we were married, under lock and key. Several years passed before he ventured on to people I knew or brought home the STD again. I thought it was "contained", "corralled". I thought it was "manageable".

My mother-in-law brought me a book while I was still in the hospital-in traction, a Tim & Beverly LaHaye book on marriage with a chapter marked on satisfying a husband when you are incapacitated. Geez. Did she know he was having threesomes with one of my nurses and her husband??? Did everyone know but me??

Pornography is an addiction. And it isn't just "his" addiction. Eventually he will draw her into it, as that is one of his fantasies. And then it becomes "her" addiction, too.

Offline zoonance

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Re: is pornography grounds for divorce
« Reply #353 on: Sat Jun 06, 2009 - 13:17:58 »
Those of you who dont think that longterm and constant porn use is sexual immorality, and there fore isnt grounds for divorce, what would they advise a woman whose life is in tatters becuase of that (and like my friend who may also need to protect their children from it also), what it their advice?
. Stay in a deplorable situation? Or seperate but have to stay joined to the man forever?


I wouldn't claim that longterm, chronic pornography is not grounds for divorce.  It is distructive and a substitute for the proper sexual relationship - clearly a sign of marital disfunction. 

 However, if "lusting after a woman in the heart" is the same as adultery in the strictest since, then lusting in the heart is grounds for divorce.  If I have sexual intercourse with another woman, one time, then I am guilty and my wife has grounds for divorce.  She doesn't have to divorce me, but clearly the covenant has been broken.  (Certainly, rape and other sexual encounters would not qualify in terms of the physical act itself - thus, it isn't just about the act)

If during an R rated film, I happen across a love scene (ie.  Sandra Bullock, Katherine Zeta Jones, and a number of other ladies that I would find hard to ignore - potentially no pun intended) and an adulterous thought occures - then strictly speaking, my wife would just then have grounds for divorce.   

Offline phoebe

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Re: is pornography grounds for divorce
« Reply #354 on: Sat Jun 06, 2009 - 15:14:56 »
Those of you who dont think that longterm and constant porn use is sexual immorality, and there fore isnt grounds for divorce, what would they advise a woman whose life is in tatters becuase of that (and like my friend who may also need to protect their children from it also), what it their advice?
. Stay in a deplorable situation? Or seperate but have to stay joined to the man forever?


I wouldn't claim that longterm, chronic pornography is not grounds for divorce.  It is distructive and a substitute for the proper sexual relationship - clearly a sign of marital disfunction. 

 However, if "lusting after a woman in the heart" is the same as adultery in the strictest since, then lusting in the heart is grounds for divorce.  If I have sexual intercourse with another woman, one time, then I am guilty and my wife has grounds for divorce.  She doesn't have to divorce me, but clearly the covenant has been broken.  (Certainly, rape and other sexual encounters would not qualify in terms of the physical act itself - thus, it isn't just about the act)

If during an R rated film, I happen across a love scene (ie.  Sandra Bullock, Katherine Zeta Jones, and a number of other ladies that I would find hard to ignore - potentially no pun intended) and an adulterous thought occures - then strictly speaking, my wife would just then have grounds for divorce.   

Yes, strictly speaking. Under Law. What if she also has an adulterous thought during the same movie, same scene? Do you consider it a "draw"? Does one nullify the other? No. In a healthy marriage, love and forgiveness is the "law".

Who defines what is "longterm" and "chronic"? There's no BCV for it. We define it. We draw the line. The individuals in the midst of the mess. That's why God gives us all these shades of grace-gray. We have choices to make. We choose what is forgivable to us, which broken vow we can't live with, and what breaks our hearts/spirits beyond repair. 7x7, 7x70, is there a limit? and if so, what? We want a number. But the answer isn't a number. It's a choice. Living under grace is harder than living under law. We want God to draw that stationary line for us. But with grace, He keeps moving it. That's why we can't give this woman a definitive answer to her question. She has to decide for herself. Her answer will not match my answer. Or your answer.

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Re: is pornography grounds for divorce
« Reply #354 on: Sat Jun 06, 2009 - 15:14:56 »



Offline chosenone

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Re: is pornography grounds for divorce
« Reply #355 on: Sat Jun 06, 2009 - 15:49:30 »
I agree phoebe that we cannot say what is right for each women,  I do think though that a woman whose husband is into long term unrepentant porn use needs to be aware that she can leave and even divorce if she feels that she can take it no more. Every case is different, and as in cases where one spouse is unfaithful, one spouse will be able to have them back and another will never be able to trust them again. Each person is different and each marriage is different.

I feel personally that I would not be able to stay with a man who was into porn and wasnt prepared to stop. I know myself and I know that I couldnt take it. I also knowl that I could never trust a man again who was unfaithful to me with another women. Some can and I admire them but we are all different.

Offline Blondie

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Re: is pornography grounds for divorce
« Reply #356 on: Sun Jun 07, 2009 - 02:22:16 »
If during an R rated film, I happen across a love scene (ie.  Sandra Bullock, Katherine Zeta Jones, and a number of other ladies that I would find hard to ignore - potentially no pun intended) and an adulterous thought occures - then strictly speaking, my wife would just then have grounds for divorce[/glow][/font].  
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That is a bit rediculous Zoonance and is in danger of scuppering the genuine argument that is being made here. Having a lustful thought is not grounds for divorce. Many men battle with these thoughts. The main point of the argument is long term unrepentant pornography and all it leads to. If we get a lustful thought, and we will, we can fight it. If we give way everytime and feed it how long will it take before we get a desire for pornography and start entertaining that? We are talking here about unrepentant pornography that will be affecting the intimacy in a marriage.

Phoebe you have felt the full brunt of this and your experience could be invaluable in certain situations. There must be thousands of women in that position who think they have to put up with it in the name of submission. I think it is great that the subject is being aired out in the open. I think your words about us wanting a definite line are full of wisdom. Legalism is not the answer, (although giving ourselves rules on a personal level can help us). We are not under the law because we walk by the spirit and if we walk in the spirit we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh, in this case pornography.



« Last Edit: Sun Jun 07, 2009 - 02:35:48 by Blondie »

Offline chosenone

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Re: is pornography grounds for divorce
« Reply #357 on: Sun Jun 07, 2009 - 07:34:14 »
Those of you who dont think that longterm and constant porn use is sexual immorality, and there fore isnt grounds for divorce, what would they advise a woman whose life is in tatters becuase of that (and like my friend who may also need to protect their children from it also), what it their advice?
. Stay in a deplorable situation? Or seperate but have to stay joined to the man forever?


I wouldn't claim that longterm, chronic pornography is not grounds for divorce.  It is distructive and a substitute for the proper sexual relationship - clearly a sign of marital disfunction. 

 However, if "lusting after a woman in the heart" is the same as adultery in the strictest since, then lusting in the heart is grounds for divorce.  If I have sexual intercourse with another woman, one time, then I am guilty and my wife has grounds for divorce.  She doesn't have to divorce me, but clearly the covenant has been broken.  (Certainly, rape and other sexual encounters would not qualify in terms of the physical act itself - thus, it isn't just about the act)

If during an R rated film, I happen across a love scene (ie.  Sandra Bullock, Katherine Zeta Jones, and a number of other ladies that I would find hard to ignore - potentially no pun intended) and an adulterous thought occures - then strictly speaking, my wife would just then have grounds for divorce.   

  Maybe steer clear of r rated films? If anything come son the tv that my husband thinks he shouldnt be looking at, whether it be on a programe or on adverts, he closes his eyes. We also never watch a film with any sexual content. He has always been strict about that long before we met and married 4 years ago. that is one of the things that I LOVE about him.

Offline Bon Voyage

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Re: is pornography grounds for divorce
« Reply #358 on: Sun Jun 07, 2009 - 10:52:22 »
I believe this topic has been exhausted so it will be locked for now.