Author Topic: Marriage Falling Apart  (Read 1181 times)

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Offline Feeling Unloved

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Marriage Falling Apart
« on: August 08, 2011, 05:01:25 PM »
My husband and I have been together for almost 8 years.  We have been married 4 years come October.  We have two boys, 6 and 5, whom we just adopted.

I have known about my husband's porn addiction since we have been together.  I have always confronted him with it, of course he agreed to stop, but he didn't.  I never understood the addiction to porn until recently when I confronted my husband again about his addiction.  I told him, it is either me and porn... he chose me and is now in counceling.  He has been in counceling since March 2011.

Things of course seemed to be changing.  He was doing everything to make me happy, going out of his way to make me happy.  It seems in the last month or two things haven't been consistent and seem to be changing for the worse.  He swears to me that he isn't looking or masterbating, but our sex life is pretty much nonexistant.  He doesn't show me he loves me or cares about me or that I'm special to him.  He keeps saying he will do things for me ie. encourage me, tell me I'm beautiful, bring me home gifts, but he is full of nothing but broken promises.  His councelor told him he is inconsistant, which he is, but it seems to me that he just doesn't want to try anymore.

He says he needs to feel respect from me, but I don't respect him for what he has done and the hurt he continues to put me through.  I feel so unwanted, so unloved, so taken for granted, yet he wants me to show him respect?

How can I show him respect if he continues to treat me this way?  I know that our trust and respect has been broken, and I know that it takes time to get it back, but how is he suppose to get it back and I'm suppose to give it to him, if he doesn't work on our marriage and continues to make me feel unimportant?

Anyone else going through the same thing?

Offline GodWithUs777

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Re: Marriage Falling Apart
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2011, 06:05:13 PM »
First I want to say I'm sorry that you are going through this, and second I want to commend your husband for admitting his sin and trying to change.  Those are big steps.  As for his addiction, maybe you could go to a few meetings for people who are married to people with addictions.  There you can learn about addiction and recovery, and about relapsing and getting back on the wagon. 

The enemy is always near, ready to tempt us with whatever our weak human nature desires.  In the case, pornography.  Even if your husband relapses, are you prepared to forgive him and continue to support him through this?  Maybe he feels no respect from you because you are suspicious of him, or maybe he doesn't respect you because you gave him a choice between you and his means of escape.  If I were you, I would not make accusations of him without any evidence. 

Try to focus on the good things about him, the things you love about him.  Focus on the ways or reasons you can respect him...and your respect for him will grow.  Men need to feel honored by their wives, as it says in the bible "Wives honor you husbands" and women need to feel loved "Husbands love your wives" so they go hand in hand.  Pray about it, and pray for him.  Respect him and he will love you.  If he does go back to porn, and continually goes back to it, then this is a form of adultery and will damage the marriage.  You may need to get more people (pastor, minister, family) involved.  Anyway, both of you need to change, you need to forgive him for his past hurts, and he needs to stop hurting you.
Hope any of this helps.


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Re: Marriage Falling Apart
« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2012, 10:00:59 AM »
Oh, I'm so sorry that I have only just seen this thread - I wonder if you are still around?

Ok, I know quite a lot about the effects of porn on a relationship and I have to say that it's GREAT that your husband is in counselling - that is the best way forward.    But at some point, you will need to join him on that journey and go into counselling with him, so that you can start to heal as a couple.  You probably won't heal, without that...or not easily, anyway!

The lack of sex could be down to a few different things - it could be that he fears disappointing you, or fears getting too close again after hurting you so badly....or of course, it could be because he is still looking at porn.   I would (personally) tend to go for the positive thinking route and believe him when he says he is no longer doing it - but, see if you can get in with his counsellor and take it from there.  That will help you a lot!

I hope you are doing ok!

Offline sesantek

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Re: Marriage Falling Apart
« Reply #3 on: May 24, 2012, 10:44:00 AM »
I feel for your marriage. I believe the first form of counselling he needs is to become born again. If he was born again and has backsliden, he must rededicate his life. Other form of counselling can follow.

He tries his best to please you but he won't be able to get it done on a regular basis if he is not connected to Christ. Please don't feel dejected. Stand strong behind him and fight in the place of prayer. Make it look as if it is the biggest spiritual fight you will fight all your life. Fight in prayer for your hubby, your home, your adopted children, your future.

God hears prayer and this is the reason why you are a christian - to use God's powers to win battles.