Author Topic: Men - married...but still "burning"  (Read 16026 times)

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Offline Husbandseekinghelp

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Men - married...but still "burning"
« on: January 28, 2011, 10:16:19 AM »
The Bible says that it is "Better to marry than to burn"

The text has to do, of course, with the sexual needs of a man or woman.

I'm curious how many men out there are, like myself, married...but still burning. 

I think my wife would tell you I am a thoughtful husband.  I buy her gifts, help around the house, work long hours so that she can be home with the kids, plan special trips, etc.  I love her.  But she has never had a "sex drive."  Never.  We were not active before marriage.  It wasn't until after we were married that I discovered, and my wife admits, she really has no "physical" attraction to men.  She cannot have an orgasm, never has, and once saw a specialist about this.  They couldn't help.

For these reasons sex just has no interest to her.  She knows I need it, but frankly it is not high on her priority list.  I feel guilty - terribly guilty - about initiating romance since it really does nothing for her. 

At this point I have just resigned to accept this as God's will.  It is hard, and I struggle with things like lust and burning.

But I am just curious if there are others out there, men or women, who can sympathise with this situation.  Or maybe have a similar trial.  Of course, if someone had any advice, I would not mind it.  But frankly I have come to grips with the fact that this is how things are. 
"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." C.S. Lewis

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2011, 10:53:21 AM »
I think you're doing good to come to grips with it.

i was in a marriage for 17 years like that. I don't think it is wrong to approach the subject and try to fix it, but i think it hurt my marriage to focus on such things. I believe we are to give thanks in all circumstances and make the best of the situation we find ourselves in.

it used to strike me as strange why God would match people together with different sex drives.But then it seems that in all relationships there will be those few people who tend to push our buttons. God uses our mates, people and difficult situations to shape our character.

i think marriage is like anything else that God gives us in life. Marriage will never be perfect and until we christians come to grips with that, our divorce rates are going to be as high as the world's.

If you make a big issue out of it you could become unmarried like me and i can tell you that i'm having zero sex right now, no hand holding, back rubs, nada. At least you have an intimate friend and partner. Don't take that for granted.

peace.







Offline chosenone

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2011, 12:35:13 PM »
It must be very hard, and actually your wife is disobeying God. The Bible does not say to withhold sex if we don't feel like it, or if we don't have much of a sex drive, it says not to withhold sex, full stop.
All the Christian books about men and women and marriage, say how very important sex is for a marriage and especially for a man.
Even if she cant have an orgasm, and that may or may not be the case, she can still enjoy sex because you are being close and intimate and because she is giving you pleasure.
What she is doing is opening the door to temptation. While I can never condone affairs, in fact I hate them with a passion,it must be more difficult to resist if you aren't having sex in your marriage.
I get quite annoyed when I hear of cases like yours, as its just so selfish and wrong in my opinion for a spouse to act like and say "well I don't want it or need it, so you can have it" Where is the giving as well as taking? Where is the putting your spouses needs first? Where is the desire to obey Gods teaching on this issue? If I were you I would get some good Christian counselling about this.
In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

It is by Grace we have been saved though Faith and not by works so that no one can boast.

Offline phoebe

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2011, 08:46:42 AM »
It must be very hard, and actually your wife is disobeying God. The Bible does not say to withhold sex if we don't feel like it, or if we don't have much of a sex drive, it says not to withhold sex, full stop.
All the Christian books about men and women and marriage, say how very important sex is for a marriage and especially for a man.
Even if she cant have an orgasm, and that may or may not be the case, she can still enjoy sex because you are being close and intimate and because she is giving you pleasure.
What she is doing is opening the door to temptation. While I can never condone affairs, in fact I hate them with a passion,it must be more difficult to resist if you aren't having sex in your marriage.
I get quite annoyed when I hear of cases like yours, as its just so selfish and wrong in my opinion for a spouse to act like and say "well I don't want it or need it, so you can have it" Where is the giving as well as taking? Where is the putting your spouses needs first? Where is the desire to obey Gods teaching on this issue? If I were you I would get some good Christian counselling about this.

First, God does not say that is a sin not to have sex with your husband.

Second, you need to learn to walk a million miles in the shoes of other people before saying what they should or should not do and what you would or would not do because, frankly, you don't know until your own feet are in them.

"IMO"

I have one Head, and one Head only-Jesus Christ

Offline Thankfulldad

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2011, 08:51:24 AM »
It must be very hard, and actually your wife is disobeying God. The Bible does not say to withhold sex if we don't feel like it, or if we don't have much of a sex drive, it says not to withhold sex, full stop.
All the Christian books about men and women and marriage, say how very important sex is for a marriage and especially for a man.
Even if she cant have an orgasm, and that may or may not be the case, she can still enjoy sex because you are being close and intimate and because she is giving you pleasure.
What she is doing is opening the door to temptation. While I can never condone affairs, in fact I hate them with a passion,it must be more difficult to resist if you aren't having sex in your marriage.
I get quite annoyed when I hear of cases like yours, as its just so selfish and wrong in my opinion for a spouse to act like and say "well I don't want it or need it, so you can have it" Where is the giving as well as taking? Where is the putting your spouses needs first? Where is the desire to obey Gods teaching on this issue? If I were you I would get some good Christian counselling about this.

First, God does not say that is a sin not to have sex with your husband.

Second, you need to learn to walk a million miles in the shoes of other people before saying what they should or should not do and what you would or would not do because, frankly, you don't know until your own feet are in them.

The wife's body is not her own...it is her husbands; and the husbands body is not his own...it is the wife's.  We are not to deprive one another...except for fasting and prayer, so that satan will not enter in...
I am what I am because of God's grace....

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2011, 08:51:24 AM »



Offline phoebe

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2011, 09:07:54 AM »
Weary of this lie being perpetuated by Christians.

Does one also read that passage to say that every man MUST be married, MUST have his own wife?  Because it does say "... each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband." 

"But this I say by way of concession, not of command."

Not a command.  Not a sin.  A good idea, if possible.  But not something to beat a woman absent of libido with guilt.  The man is not the only one with "authority".  The wife has equal "authority" over her husband's body, too.  She has the right to say, "I can't do this."  "It doesn't feel good."  When a woman leaves intercourse feeling resentment, anger, or deep hurt--both physically and emotionally--she has the right to say "I'm sorry, no." 


I love that this man respects his wife and doesn't force himself.  Says more about him than it does about her.  He wasn't asking for us to browbeat his wife into sexual submission.  He was asking for a compassionate ear of someone dealing with same issues.  But beat the wife is what he got.


"IMO"

I have one Head, and one Head only-Jesus Christ

Offline phoebe

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2011, 09:08:55 AM »
BTW, "fulfill his duty" was a reference to sex for the purpose of producing a legal heir.  That's all.
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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2011, 09:19:35 AM »
Husband:

That you love your wife enough to still respect her and to be seeking a "common" solution to the problem says much for you and your Walk with God IMO.  I am no expert, and would hesitate to offer any advice that might confuse/confound you.  The ONLY advice I would offer has been mentioned before I believe.  Still, were I you, I would seek "Christian counseling" for you and your wife.  Who knows?  Maybe she is feeling the stress of this situation as well and wishes to resolve it in the best way possible for the both of you and for the sake of your love and marriage.  Counseling is good, Christian counseling is far, far better IMO only.

God bless you and your wife...........

 ::prayinghard:: ::prayinghard::

Offline Thankfulldad

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2011, 09:43:20 AM »
BTW, "fulfill his duty" was a reference to sex for the purpose of producing a legal heir.  That's all.

When a man or a women is deprived of sex in a loving Christian relatioinship...the door is opened for satan to enter in and destroy.
I am what I am because of God's grace....

Offline Thankfulldad

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2011, 09:49:50 AM »
I love that this man respects his wife and doesn't force himself.  Says more about him than it does about her.  He wasn't asking for us to browbeat his wife into sexual submission.  He was asking for a compassionate ear of someone dealing with same issues.  But beat the wife is what he got.

I dealt with this same issure for 23 years of marraige...did everything from withhold for months at a time, to prayer...to long conversations with her expressing my need.  I got to the point where I would want to put my fist through the wall laying there in bed holding my emotions in.  I never forced myself...ever; I respected her and loved her, but in the end...she left and looking back...sin entered in through satan's schemes.

He needs to get to the root of the problem...not sweep it under a rug; he will end up lusting after other women, porn will creep in....satan will have a hay day!
I am what I am because of God's grace....

Offline chosenone

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2011, 11:31:06 AM »
It must be very hard, and actually your wife is disobeying God. The Bible does not say to withhold sex if we don't feel like it, or if we don't have much of a sex drive, it says not to withhold sex, full stop.
All the Christian books about men and women and marriage, say how very important sex is for a marriage and especially for a man.
Even if she cant have an orgasm, and that may or may not be the case, she can still enjoy sex because you are being close and intimate and because she is giving you pleasure.
What she is doing is opening the door to temptation. While I can never condone affairs, in fact I hate them with a passion,it must be more difficult to resist if you aren't having sex in your marriage.
I get quite annoyed when I hear of cases like yours, as its just so selfish and wrong in my opinion for a spouse to act like and say "well I don't want it or need it, so you can have it" Where is the giving as well as taking? Where is the putting your spouses needs first? Where is the desire to obey Gods teaching on this issue? If I were you I would get some good Christian counselling about this.

First, God does not say that is a sin not to have sex with your husband.

Second, you need to learn to walk a million miles in the shoes of other people before saying what they should or should not do and what you would or would not do because, frankly, you don't know until your own feet are in them.




 So what does do not withhold sex from each other mean then?????If He says to do something are we just to ignore it?I get fed up with people (men and women) who use sex as a controlling thing, or just cant be bothered to think of their spouse in this area. I hear it time and time again and it is wrong. It is wrong for either spouse to deprive the other of sex, whatever you may like to think. I am not talking about where there is serious abuse or similar, but in a marriage were one is just ignoring the needs of the other.  Also you have no idea what shoes I have walked in in my life, so please dont judge whether I am, or am not, allowed to say what the Bible says about a matter.
In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

It is by Grace we have been saved though Faith and not by works so that no one can boast.

Offline chosenone

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2011, 11:36:19 AM »
I love that this man respects his wife and doesn't force himself.  Says more about him than it does about her.  He wasn't asking for us to browbeat his wife into sexual submission.  He was asking for a compassionate ear of someone dealing with same issues.  But beat the wife is what he got.

I dealt with this same issure for 23 years of marraige...did everything from withhold for months at a time, to prayer...to long conversations with her expressing my need.  I got to the point where I would want to put my fist through the wall laying there in bed holding my emotions in.  I never forced myself...ever; I respected her and loved her, but in the end...she left and looking back...sin entered in through satan's schemes.

He needs to get to the root of the problem...not sweep it under a rug; he will end up lusting after other women, porn will creep in....satan will have a hay day!
 

 You are right. I know a lady who more or less threw her husband out of her bedroom once her children were born.All she wanted were children(sons actually) and he had served his purpose it seems. They lived like this for 20 more years till they divorced and then years later she said that she thought her husband had had an affair. I mean, was she actually surprised????What did she expect with 20 years of no sex? God says things for a reason.
In Him I live and move and have my being.

My determined purpose is that I may know Him - that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly."

It is by Grace we have been saved though Faith and not by works so that no one can boast.

Offline phoebe

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2011, 12:36:01 PM »
BTW, "fulfill his duty" was a reference to sex for the purpose of producing a legal heir.  That's all.

When a man or a women is deprived of sex in a loving Christian relatioinship...the door is opened for satan to enter in and destroy.

Of course.  That's logical.  That does not make it a command.  That does not mean that not having sex is a sin.  One would have to put all sorts of disclaimers on it.  How often, what kind, what if..?

In our culture, having intercourse is neither a command nor a right.  What was a right in a marriage--to the people to whom Paul was speaking--was food, shelter, and marital rights, i.e., sex for the purpose of and resulting in a legal heir.  There was no right to sex for the sake of sex.  That's what it's been twisted to.  But it ain't so.  We can't always take verbatim what was being said to one people and applying it to another.  The Bible is not all a book of rules-to-live-by. 
 
Instead of teaching about "rights" we should be teaching about what it means to live as one.
"IMO"

I have one Head, and one Head only-Jesus Christ

Offline phoebe

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #13 on: January 29, 2011, 12:41:07 PM »
It must be very hard, and actually your wife is disobeying God. The Bible does not say to withhold sex if we don't feel like it, or if we don't have much of a sex drive, it says not to withhold sex, full stop.
All the Christian books about men and women and marriage, say how very important sex is for a marriage and especially for a man.
Even if she cant have an orgasm, and that may or may not be the case, she can still enjoy sex because you are being close and intimate and because she is giving you pleasure.
What she is doing is opening the door to temptation. While I can never condone affairs, in fact I hate them with a passion,it must be more difficult to resist if you aren't having sex in your marriage.
I get quite annoyed when I hear of cases like yours, as its just so selfish and wrong in my opinion for a spouse to act like and say "well I don't want it or need it, so you can have it" Where is the giving as well as taking? Where is the putting your spouses needs first? Where is the desire to obey Gods teaching on this issue? If I were you I would get some good Christian counselling about this.

First, God does not say that is a sin not to have sex with your husband.

Second, you need to learn to walk a million miles in the shoes of other people before saying what they should or should not do and what you would or would not do because, frankly, you don't know until your own feet are in them.




 So what does do not withhold sex from each other mean then?????If He says to do something are we just to ignore it?I get fed up with people (men and women) who use sex as a controlling thing, or just cant be bothered to think of their spouse in this area. I hear it time and time again and it is wrong. It is wrong for either spouse to deprive the other of sex, whatever you may like to think. I am not talking about where there is serious abuse or similar, but in a marriage were one is just ignoring the needs of the other.  Also you have no idea what shoes I have walked in in my life, so please dont judge whether I am, or am not, allowed to say what the Bible says about a matter.

Your focus is on the wrong part of the verse.  You are so hung up on "do not withhold" that you miss the intent of the passage, to whom it was being written, the purpose behind the words.  All you can think of is "have sex, have sex, have more sex".  Geez.

I know that you have said on this forum that this is not an issue you have dealt with.  Lucky you.  Just don't throw stones at those who have these holey shoes.  It hurts when they step on your stones.
"IMO"

I have one Head, and one Head only-Jesus Christ

Offline phoebe

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Re: Men - married...but still "burning"
« Reply #14 on: January 29, 2011, 12:43:14 PM »
I love that this man respects his wife and doesn't force himself.  Says more about him than it does about her.  He wasn't asking for us to browbeat his wife into sexual submission.  He was asking for a compassionate ear of someone dealing with same issues.  But beat the wife is what he got.

I dealt with this same issure for 23 years of marraige...did everything from withhold for months at a time, to prayer...to long conversations with her expressing my need.  I got to the point where I would want to put my fist through the wall laying there in bed holding my emotions in.  I never forced myself...ever; I respected her and loved her, but in the end...she left and looking back...sin entered in through satan's schemes.

He needs to get to the root of the problem...not sweep it under a rug; he will end up lusting after other women, porn will creep in....satan will have a hay day!

I think I have more faith in men than men have in themselves.  I believe they can resist sin, that they can choose to do right.  God is faithful, even to sex-deprived men in the 21st century. 

"IMO"

I have one Head, and one Head only-Jesus Christ