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Offline Elis

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Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« on: November 25, 2011, 03:19:39 PM »
Hi,
My husband has big problem…
During sex he wants to look at me in order to ejaculate. He once told me that before marrying me he was addicted to pornography but since becoming a christian he has stopped looking at porn.
The thing is that I now feel that I have become his substitution for porn. He says that he loves looking at me and that brings him great satisfaction.
I feel disgusted by this and don’t want to show myself to him anymore.
He is able to perform normal sex and he even loves giving me oral sex. But none of this matters for me anymore. I don’t want to have sex with him because I can’t stand him looking at me.
He says that I’m wrong and that men are aroused through their eyes. He says that this is hurting him badly because he doesn’t want to look at other women or think about other women (because he is a christian).
I feel like I have married a person with sexual problems and that he doesn’t even know it.
For example: Once I agreed to use my hands in order for him to have an ejaculation but he said that he also wanted to look at me otherwise he must fantasize and he doesn’t want to do that.
I can’t stand his sexual problems and don’t really know what to do. He is a great and loving husband but this issue is destroying our marriage.
Please help…
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Offline chosenone

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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2011, 03:44:17 PM »
Elis do you mean that he wants to look at you while he masturbates, or during foreplay and actual intercourse.? If it is the latter, then I would think he is normal. Most men want to see their wives body during sex, and he is right. that men are aroused by the female body.  However if he is often just wanting to masturbate while he looks at you, that is slightly different for you and I can understand why that may trouble you. 

He has done very well by stopping the porn though, so give him credit for that, and far better that he thinks about you and looks at you, than all the other images that he has got in his brain.
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Offline Maria

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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2011, 04:07:45 PM »
Elis, I think it is normal, too. And also would appreciate your husband giving up watching porn and being open about it with you. The think is he should not force you to do what he wants, if he does it is understandable you feel pressured.
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Offline anx

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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2011, 04:33:06 PM »
I think you guys need to come to an agreement on this that works for you both. Something that doesn't make you uncomfortable and something that works for him. What he is doing isn't dirty or wrong. Being stared at during sex would be uncomfortable too.

However, if you both sit on opposite sides of this it will only fester like it has.

Do not let this issue kill a Christian marriage. There are a few good Christian books on sex issues (sheet music) that I would suggest you read. This is absolutely something you both need to give on and a solution exists. Find that.

You have let this issue divide you and nothing good has come of it. If needed do a few sessions with a counselor or pastor. If this is your only issue, a few sessions might be all you need.

Blessings
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Online JohnDB

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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2011, 08:22:07 PM »
I'm sorry,
I don't see the problem with your husband except with you. He seems from your description to behaving normally. You on the other hand aren't.

When you married him you gave all of yourself including your body to him in the same way as Christ gave his body. You should be delighted with your husband's desire for you but instead you are repulsed? That seems rather self centered and mean to me at least. 

Try to be more giving and loving towards your husband as well as extending him some grace in his desire for you.
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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2011, 08:22:07 PM »


Offline johndoo

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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2011, 03:31:59 PM »
Please consider seeing a sex therapist
ASSECT.org
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Online DaveW

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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2011, 06:25:49 AM »
I would like to suggest an on line recource and discussion forums geared precicely to sexual issues in Christian marriages:  www.themarriagebed.com.

The listowners are Paul and Lori Byerly and I have known them online for over a decade. They are honest strong believers with a LOT of wisdom.

Tell them DaveW sent you.
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happypromises

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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #7 on: December 11, 2011, 08:04:48 AM »
Afraid I agree with the others....the fact that he is telling you he wants only YOU, but wants to look at you....WOW!   That's amazing, especially coming from a man who has struggled with a porn addiction as he has. 

Sis, be thankful!  There is nothing weird or abnormal about this at all....he needs to be able to see you!   Most men do!  :)
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Offline epiphanius

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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #8 on: December 12, 2011, 07:45:58 AM »
Quote from: happypromises on December 11, 2011, 08:04:48 AM
Sis, be thankful!  There is nothing weird or abnormal about this at all....he needs to be able to see you!   Most men do!  :)

HP and others:

In fairness to our sister Elis, I think we have to distinguish among different kinds of "looks."

There is a look of love that can be one of the most wonderful experiences, and there is also a lustful look that seems to say, "I am sucking you in but shutting you out." This latter is a weird experience and makes one feel creepy and want to get away. I suspect that this is what Elis is trying to describe.

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Offline yungmumma

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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2012, 10:19:54 AM »
Quote from: Elis on November 25, 2011, 03:19:39 PM
Hi,
My husband has big problem…
During sex he wants to look at me in order to ejaculate. He once told me that before marrying me he was addicted to pornography but since becoming a christian he has stopped looking at porn.
The thing is that I now feel that I have become his substitution for porn. He says that he loves looking at me and that brings him great satisfaction.
I feel disgusted by this and don’t want to show myself to him anymore.
He is able to perform normal sex and he even loves giving me oral sex. But none of this matters for me anymore. I don’t want to have sex with him because I can’t stand him looking at me.
He says that I’m wrong and that men are aroused through their eyes. He says that this is hurting him badly because he doesn’t want to look at other women or think about other women (because he is a christian).
I feel like I have married a person with sexual problems and that he doesn’t even know it.
For example: Once I agreed to use my hands in order for him to have an ejaculation but he said that he also wanted to look at me otherwise he must fantasize and he doesn’t want to do that.
I can’t stand his sexual problems and don’t really know what to do. He is a great and loving husband but this issue is destroying our marriage.
Please help…



Ellis, my husband does this too, and the look that he gives me in the process makes me feel more like a piece of meat than a loved and wanted wife. I personally have had many partners (previous to finding Jesus, having grown up only knowing that God exists but nothing of what God wishes for us) and i know the difference between looks of love and looks of lust. Have you tried to tell him how it makes you feel? he likely doesnt realize what hes doing, or denying it because he doesnt know how to change it.

Remember, communication is key in a marriage. Communication between spouses and communication with the Lord! Perhaps you should try praying on it together and separately. If you have a hard time with that, remember that God already knows the situation more intimately than either of you, because he knows your hearts!

I pray that you can both come to at least an understanding, and a solution that you both can be happy (and fruitful) with

 ::amen!::
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Offline JohnDB70X7

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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2012, 08:20:58 PM »
While I have expressed my point elsewhere on this board that there is a difference between true love making and just sex to release tension build up... sex is the earthier side of us... and why there won't be sex or the need for it in heaven. Don't be too down on yourself about this but do not be down on your husband either. I know of about a billion women who wished their husband craved them like he appears to crave you.

If I am missing the point, I must say it was hard to understand your post other than to say you expect him to look at you with loving eyes each and every time or the show's over... 
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Offline Deborah4God

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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #11 on: March 04, 2012, 03:13:46 PM »
Elis maybe you could explain a bit more? If my husband didn't want to look at me while we had sex I'd think it was weird. I think you have something more in mind though! If you could explain exactly what is making you uncomfortable that'd help.
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Offline scullions

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Re: Please help! My relationship is falling apart.
« Reply #12 on: May 04, 2012, 07:36:15 AM »
i have the opposite problem a celibate wife ,discuss it with him, these are difficult times stress life is taking up all our time
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