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Offline tapioka

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should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?
« on: April 07, 2012, 09:57:53 PM »

What's your take?



this is my situation and the reaon I'm asking... Incase you have any words of wisdom!

I have been dating someone for about a month. I kept trying to end it with him (5 or 6 times...) because  I kind of have a crush on someone else.  Each time I ended it he was able to talk me out of if, reminding me that I like and don't want to give him up. I said I would take it slow with him. He has already said he loves and and wants to marry me, but I don't feel that way. Last time I tried to break it off he kissed me and I just fell right back, even though I'm not 100% sure about him.

I have waited a long time to get into a relationship (this is my first relationship), and I always thought it would be more mutual. The problem is that he has given me his heart and will do anything for me, so I feel kind of trapped. He takes the tiniest thing I do as a declaration that I love him, while I am just being nice and trying to reciprocate a little. I'm anm not being too responsive to his overly-loving nature though, so I feel as though I am severing this relationship with a blunt object.

I have always said that I didn't want to have sex before marriage, and he doesn't feel as strongly about that, but said that he would wait for me. However, I feel pressured by him and last night we did have sex. He kind of forced it on me the first time. We did it again after though because neither of us wanted to admit that that had just happened.

We are both Christians but I always pictured myslef with someone who could encourage me spiritually. he might be able to do that, though not the the extent I'd hoped; it seems as though we are both a little lost right now. i dont know him well enough to know just how deep his fait is. He doesn't feel guilty about the sex because he is convinced that we will get married.

I don't know if I love this man, but should I stay with him now that we had sex? He is a amazing person and I don't want to hurt him more, so should I leave so as not to make it worse?
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Online fcadcock

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Re: should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2012, 11:29:50 PM »
From what you have written, it sounds as if you were pressured into a sexual relationship that you did not want.  If that is truly the case, run to the nearest exit.

You say that you aren't 100% sure about him, but you've tried to break up with him 5 or 6 times already?  Are you sure you aren't sure about him?  That sounds pretty sure to me...

And to top it all off, if someone told me they were sure we would get married after a month, I would be thinking about tazing them on my way out the door.  Yeah, I could, maybe, fall in love that fast, but if I did, I'd at least have the sense to hold my tongue for a while as not to scare the lady off.

Personally, my advice is to break it off.  You don't owe him your life simply because he coerced you into making a mistake. 
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Offline chosenone

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Re: should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2012, 11:35:33 PM »
tapioka, you sound as of you are still very young, but if you are a believer then why are you with a guy who pressures you to have sex after 4 weeks?You barely know each other after such a short time.
This is NOT a godly young man. You both know that God forbids sex outside marriage, and he clearly isnt respecting you or your beliefs in that matter. How can he know after a few weeks that you will get married? Even if you did, sex is still out till the marriage has taken place.
You clearly dont feel the same about him, so you need to end it now and ask God to forgive you for what you have done. Also you need to do some serious thinking before you go out with anyone else, and even then make sure it is with a godly guy with high moral values and a real relationship with Jesus.
Do you realise that you have just has sex with another womans future husband, and he has just had sex with another mans future wife? Do you want your future husband to have sex with several other women before he meets you?

I think you know what you need to do and that this guy isnt right for you.You say that you have tried to break it off, so why havent you? All you need to do is to tell him once and for all that it is over and that you want no more contact with him.


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Offline IamStefanie

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Re: should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?
« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2012, 08:37:32 AM »
Question: Should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?

Stefanie's answer: If you do not desire a relationship with this person and you don't feel in your heart that its right, then....NO!!!!

Repent and move on and do you best to not make the same mistake again (because these are other people's lives and souls we are dealing with here...I've been there one too many times and it HURTS!)
« Last Edit: April 23, 2012, 03:59:53 PM by IamStefanie »
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Offline DaveW

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Re: should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2012, 07:14:18 AM »
Absolutely not.  Especially if it was forced.

You need to talk to someone about this.  Your parents, your pastor, his pastor (if he attends another congregation).

There is this "one flesh" connection that happens when a couple has sex. Paul says it even happens with going to a prostitute.

Sever that tie. Break it off NOW.
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Re: should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2012, 07:14:18 AM »


graciemay

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Re: should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?
« Reply #5 on: April 23, 2012, 02:08:05 PM »
The answer to your question is no, you should no stay with someone because you had sex with them.

And as someone else wrote, from what you've written, you seem pretty sure you don't want to be with him. If that's how you feel then you shouldn't be with him. And that's OK. My advice is to break it off.



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Offline Jade Kross

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Re: should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2012, 09:28:00 AM »
I don't see very much biblical guidance in all this advice.  We are led away of our own lusts and enticed.  There was enough encouragement from her because there was never enough discouragement, it sounds like. She's saying "no, I don't want" while her actions say otherwise. He was acting on that indecision, thinking she just needed further persuasion and convincing of his love for her, thinking that would help her decide.

Questions.  Does he still want to marry you after you had sex?  Do you still not love him after consummating with him? And what sort of physical signals were you sending out to him? Could he interpret them as "convince me, I'm not sure what I want?" If so, this is a very cruel thing to just say sever the ties. You have yoked with him, have become one flesh with him.  I don't mean to sound harsh, but what you have done is serious. It is to him for sure. In the Old Testament, you would marry, no if's ands or buts, it was that serious back then. Why isn't it now? Not so sure, but maybe it should be, maybe the law was so strict back then to KEEP people from acting so carelessly.  And how exactly did he force you? You were saying stop? I would definitely need more details to know what exactly to advise.
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Offline LoveToBeCatholic

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Re: should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?
« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2012, 12:08:30 AM »
You should leave.  In fact since you have had sex it is more likely you will fall into sin with him again which means you should leave quicker.
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Offline sesantek

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Re: should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2012, 08:45:16 PM »
I love your initial determination not to get involved in sex before marriage. Though you have eventually lost it but all the same I still love your determination.

The truth of the matter is that you were never meant to be involved with this guy in the first place. Let us look at it:

1. You don't want sex, he wanted it.
2. You both had sex, you were sad but he was not.

The bible says can two walk together except they agree (Amos 3:3). Probably this guy is not a christian.

You should disengage from him to come back to God - your salvation is more important than him or any relationship. You. Need to be strong about this; tell him to leave you for now so that you can settle with your God. Get the help of a trusted christian woman if need be.

God bless you.
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Offline Truthlady5

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Re: should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?
« Reply #9 on: February 24, 2013, 01:06:15 PM »
Quote from: tapioka on April 07, 2012, 09:57:53 PM

What's your take?



this is my situation and the reaon I'm asking... Incase you have any words of wisdom!

I have been dating someone for about a month. I kept trying to end it with him (5 or 6 times...) because  I kind of have a crush on someone else.  Each time I ended it he was able to talk me out of if, reminding me that I like and don't want to give him up. I said I would take it slow with him. He has already said he loves and and wants to marry me, but I don't feel that way. Last time I tried to break it off he kissed me and I just fell right back, even though I'm not 100% sure about him.

I have waited a long time to get into a relationship (this is my first relationship), and I always thought it would be more mutual. The problem is that he has given me his heart and will do anything for me, so I feel kind of trapped. He takes the tiniest thing I do as a declaration that I love him, while I am just being nice and trying to reciprocate a little. I'm anm not being too responsive to his overly-loving nature though, so I feel as though I am severing this relationship with a blunt object.

I have always said that I didn't want to have sex before marriage, and he doesn't feel as strongly about that, but said that he would wait for me. However, I feel pressured by him and last night we did have sex. He kind of forced it on me the first time. We did it again after though because neither of us wanted to admit that that had just happened.

We are both Christians but I always pictured myslef with someone who could encourage me spiritually. he might be able to do that, though not the the extent I'd hoped; it seems as though we are both a little lost right now. i dont know him well enough to know just how deep his fait is. He doesn't feel guilty about the sex because he is convinced that we will get married.

I don't know if I love this man, but should I stay with him now that we had sex? He is a amazing person and I don't want to hurt him more, so should I leave so as not to make it worse?

A woman should not stay with a man or marry him just because she had sex with that man.  I  was in a similar friendship years ago, the man like me and ask me to marry him, but I was not ready for that. He was a Christian, I was not following in the Lords way as I should, so we had sex.  I didn't want to marry him, and just wanted to keep a Friendship, he only accepted to continue to be friends, because he thought we would later marry. That was 16 years ago, I am much older and our friendship drifted apart over the Years, because he wanted a Wife.
 ::frown::
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Offline TJW

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Re: should you stay with someone because you had sex with them?
« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2013, 01:09:44 PM »
My dear young sister, nothing creates more marriages that never should have happened than premarital sex.

The people get "addicted" to each other, and they marry, only to learn that the incompatibilities, the character issues, the "red flags", all get
brighter, louder, and harder after the marriage.

Quote
He is a amazing person and I don't want to hurt him more, so should I leave so as not to make it worse?

Yes.   It's clear to me from what you say that you recognize that he's not "the one".

Unfortunately, relationships sometimes end badly.  They end worse after sex.  But, I want to assure you of something.  This "bad end" is like a toothache.
The pain will be more intense, briefly, as the tooth is yanked out.  But then, healing can begin, because the rottenness is gone.

Don't settle for someone you don't want just because you don't want to hurt them.  You are correct, in that you will hurt him far worse by marrying him and being disappointed in him than you will by simply ending the relationship. 

A man is "made" to want deeply to be his wife's "hero", he wants to be her "best" choice.  You will not, in the long term, be able to hide the fact that he isn't yours.


« Last Edit: March 24, 2013, 01:18:48 PM by TJW »
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